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Mach40,

Here's the thing...

It's very possible, perhaps probable, your W is perfectly happy with the way things stand, meaning having birthdays and holidays with the family and enjoying some companionship/friend talks every 4-5 days but not living together or having physical intimacy and being able to explore other options. On this board it's often referred to as "cake eating" in that the spouse leaving gets to have their cake (family, holidays, friendship) and eat it too (dating others). IF she feels this way, she has no incentive or motivation to change anything. It's working for her.

Not to put words in their mouths, but...

What LH19 is saying is that in order to change that dynamic and have potential for an R/intimate relationship it's likely that your W has to see what she's losing and decide she doesn't want to. In other words, there may be no impetus for her to come back if she doesn't feel she's losing you.

What CWarrior is saying that IF you put her to a decision, you're risking the bird in the hand (family birthdays /Holidays, friendship...etc.) for two in the bush (family holidays PLUS intimate relationship) that if you risk that it might be more likely you'll lose the former than gain the latter.

Does that make sense?

Based on what I've read, your dynamic is different than the typical story we see her of WS/WAS with an active affair and LBS depurate to bring them back so you MAY have a better chance than most here to have a discussion and get her back...but there are no guarantees. It is a risk. And you have to be the one to decide whether to continue the status que (and risk she doesn't find someone else and eventually comes back) or take bond action (ask her to R and risk her declining and you walking way). Either way you risk something. Unfortunately it's not a math equation and there is no exact formula with a "correct" answer.

Originally Posted by Mach40
I am still attached to her in many ways, more so than when we were married.
The point of detachment and self-differentiation is to get to a place where you're happy and having a great life whether you're with her or not. You should be working towards those goals because A) it's healthy, B) it will help you emotionally if a D goes through or she starts dating another man, and C) it makes you more attractive to W or other women (if you decide to date). Work on yourself and your GAL so you're happy with your life regardless of whether W decides to rejoin it or not. If she does come back, great, if she doesn't you're happy anyway.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Well put, BL42.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Well put, BL42.
I second it BL42

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Mach40 Offline OP
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Thnx BL42. Very well written. I have allot to think about and allot to digest.
I have to prioritize myself, kids then her.
Everyones advice is well taken.
If there is a what would you do, can you say it too?.


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Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Mach40
I am still attached to her in many ways, more so than when we were married.
The point of detachment and self-differentiation is to get to a place where you're happy and having a great life whether you're with her or not. You should be working towards those goals because A) it's healthy, B) it will help you emotionally if a D goes through or she starts dating another man, and C) it makes you more attractive to W or other women (if you decide to date). Work on yourself and your GAL so you're happy with your life regardless of whether W decides to rejoin it or not. If she does come back, great, if she doesn't you're happy anyway.

This. Wise words here by BL!


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She needs to know I am not waiting, am GAL, and whatever she does is her decision, not to be influenced by me..
I need to back off on helping her out in anyway, unless it directly involves the kids.
When I talk to her, dont act like I need her, dont rehash the past etc etc. So much good advice to take in.
I am going to write a list of things to do and not to do..
Its a delicate situation to me.
On a side note: I just went out and had my early dinner, working on losing weight with 2 meals a day vice 3, and I was very surprised how much I am missing out in a simple restaurant.. Women are flirtatious, and it felt good conversing..
I eat in at home allot, especially due to high cost of living lately, so this was nice. Italy will be a whole new chapter, looking forward to it.


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Originally Posted by LH19
[quote=Mach40] I was watching an episode of "Parenthood" and there was a woman talking to her mother in regards to reconciling with her husband. She said she couldn't see herself getting over what he did. Her mother said "you know what the most important thing about marriage is?" woman said "no" the mother said "forgiveness" without it you are sure to fail.

Some people can't forgive. I am dating a woman right now who has said "when she is done there is no going back". I could see the conviction in her voice and eyes that she means it. You have to figure out if your STBXW can forgive. Since it seems she is not dating anyone and has shown positive signs towards you then a IMO a talk is warranted.

Im curious LH, where do you stand on forgiveness? Does the fact that the person you are dating now is seemingly not forgiving bother you?

I’m a very forgiving person, too forgiving I’ve been told. My STBXW is very unforgiving, I find it very unattractive. I wonder if being unforgiving is correlated to being a WAS/WS? Ironically, my STBXW said that I couldn’t just forgive her for some of the sh!tty things she did.


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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by LH19
[quote=Mach40] I was watching an episode of "Parenthood" and there was a woman talking to her mother in regards to reconciling with her husband. She said she couldn't see herself getting over what he did. Her mother said "you know what the most important thing about marriage is?" woman said "no" the mother said "forgiveness" without it you are sure to fail.

Some people can't forgive. I am dating a woman right now who has said "when she is done there is no going back". I could see the conviction in her voice and eyes that she means it. You have to figure out if your STBXW can forgive. Since it seems she is not dating anyone and has shown positive signs towards you then a IMO a talk is warranted.

Im curious LH, where do you stand on forgiveness? Does the fact that the person you are dating now is seemingly not forgiving bother you?

I’m a very forgiving person, too forgiving I’ve been told. My STBXW is very unforgiving, I find it very unattractive. I wonder if being unforgiving is correlated to being a WAS/WS? Ironically, my STBXW said that I couldn’t just forgive her for some of the sh!tty things she did.

I have a different take on forgiveness then the mantra around here. Right now I do not forgive my exw for what she did to myself, my kids, family and friends. Maybe I will someday. But I’m not angry or bitter. I just need her to be a good mom and stay out of my life. Now if she apologized for what she did especially to my kids I may change my stance.

As for the girl I’m dating, truthfully I don’t know her stance on if she forgives her ex. Just that he cheated and when he did that she was done. No turning back. That I respect and is also my stance moving forward.

Your comments about your stbxw saying you won’t be able to forgive IMO is LBS script because right now she’s not interested in coming back.

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Originally Posted by LH19
But I’m not angry or bitter.

Forgiveness or otherwise, I think this should be the goal for all LBS.

Originally Posted by LH19
As for the girl I’m dating, truthfully I don’t know her stance on if she forgives her ex. Just that he cheated and when he did that she was done. No turning back. That I respect and is also my stance moving forward.

Sounds like a good start, good luck with it. Respect is important.

Originally Posted by LH19
Your comments about your stbxw saying you won’t be able to forgive IMO is LBS script because right now she’s not interested in coming back.

Script or whatever, I honestly don't give a sh!t. I know who I am. I've moved on from what she did, I no longer feel angry or bitter. I won't forget it, but like you, happy to keep it strictly business. She's still angry and I just meet it with politeness, cordiality. Seems to be doing the trick, we sort out the necessary things and she doesn't bother me too much besides that.

I was at a picnic on Sunday with my two good mates and their fiancées. We just sat and hung and drank by the harbour for 6 hours and realised what a great time I was having and how I never would have been able to have done that with STBXW. I just felt happy and free. As an aside one of the guys is getting married next year and I can already see the signs in his fiancée that not great things are down the road. I want to sit him down and tell him what I now know but not sure that he'll listen or believe it could happen to him.

Sorry for the hijack Mach, BL really nailed it with his post. You're getting great advice, but in the end only you know what the right choice is for you.


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No worries on the hijack.
Great advice indeed.
I also need to pay more atrention to what she says.
I have texts from her when speaks of where she is in her life.
I do honestly feel I am her friend now, plan b, and she is eating cake due to me being there for her, allot.


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