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Originally Posted by Mach40
Not on her radar and plan B.. Sounds correct. I know she will never admit it. But, if she truly had no intention of getting back together with me, keeping me in her reach is not a nice thing to do.
How is she keeping you in her reach?
Originally Posted by Mach40
I am sure its quite common though..
Originally Posted by Mach40
She needs to be upfront, explain her intentions, if they are foreseeable future, and then let me decide.
Actually she doesn't have to do anything. You don't control her.
Originally Posted by Mach40
She may just not have any physical or mental attraction, but is sacrificing keeping me around for the kids and grand kids.
What do you mean keeping you around?

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Originally Posted by Mach40
if she truly had no intention of getting back together with me, keeping me in her reach is not a nice thing to do.
It may not be "nice", but if that really is her mindset and you think about it logically it could be very much in her interests to do so. Why discard the comfort of Plan B before Plan A is in place, especially if Plan B is willing to play along?

Originally Posted by Mach40
She needs to be upfront, explain her intentions, if they are foreseeable future, and then let me decide.
Originally Posted by LH19
Actually she doesn't have to do anything. You don't control her.
^Right. She doesn't NEED to do anything. In fact, if the current situation is to her liking she has no motivation to do so. She can do what she wants and you can't control it. However, you can act accordingly and she can not control how you respond.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Is online dating hard for women in their early 50s? Probably harder than in their 30s. The women I know are still flooded with messages, even more than us 40s men. In your favor, maybe only 15% of their matches are stable and securely attached, and maybe they only fancy and are fancied back by 20% of those. It requires persistence to find a good partner and not just easy sex.
I hope this information was helpful to you Mach.
Yes it was helpful. Feel Like I am in Vegas Gambling, lol
Originally Posted by CWarrior
While the "High Risk, High Reward" plan of breaking off friendly contact with your ex is oft suggested, in your situation, I'll make the rare suggestion to consider what YOU stand to lose. You see your kids every Thanksgiving and Christmas, and they see both their parents--without choosing a home, without attending two events. You have a friend you talk to every 4-5 days who's known you for 30yrs.

So to translate CWs is asking are you ok with the friend zone?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Most who discard these birds in the hand do not win that bird in the bush.
Huh?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
So be judicious about what you're willing to give up. Maybe you don't want to give up the upcoming shared holidays with your kids. Big holidays are only a half-dozen days per year. Even if 3 years from now it may include her BF, and 5 years from now it may include your GF. Maybe you are okay with giving up chatting every 4-5 days. Maybe that would even help to detach and find your own way.
I don't know Mach how does dinner with the BF sound to you?
I wont do it,
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I have a relationship with my XW that I value. You do you.
CW is a WAS and just now has a relationship with his spouse after 10 years. You can revisit this friendship in 7 years.
Well, i will be retired then... lol. Kind of depressing how humans are, but when the good is good, its great


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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mach40
Not on her radar and plan B.. Sounds correct. I know she will never admit it. But, if she truly had no intention of getting back together with me, keeping me in her reach is not a nice thing to do.
How is she keeping you in her reach?
Well, calling me, asking to do Holidays/B Days and sometimes helping with the animals when they get ill ( going to Vet with her to make decisions as they are our pets, at her home) They are family
Originally Posted by Mach40
I am sure its quite common though..
Originally Posted by Mach40
She needs to be upfront, explain her intentions, if they are foreseeable future, and then let me decide.
Actually she doesn't have to do anything. You don't control her.
True, but it would be nice if she just said what needs to be said. She probably knows if she did I would not take it well and isolate from everyone. Men close things off quickly.
Originally Posted by Mach40
She may just not have any physical or mental attraction, but is sacrificing keeping me around for the kids and grand kids.
What do you mean keeping you around?
She knows that I am very important to the kids and grand kids.. We all get along great. She may be keeping the peace, friendship going , which is sacrificing her wanting to be free 100% of me.


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Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Mach40
if she truly had no intention of getting back together with me, keeping me in her reach is not a nice thing to do.
It may not be "nice", but if that really is her mindset and you think about it logically it could be very much in her interests to do so. Why discard the comfort of Plan B before Plan A is in place, especially if Plan B is willing to play along?
Damn that hurts. Reality it is..

Originally Posted by Mach40
She needs to be upfront, explain her intentions, if they are foreseeable future, and then let me decide.
Originally Posted by LH19
Actually she doesn't have to do anything. You don't control her.
^Right. She doesn't NEED to do anything. In fact, if the current situation is to her liking she has no motivation to do so. She can do what she wants and you can't control it. However, you can act accordingly and she can not control how you respond.
I could go get a divorce, and that would set many wheels in motion...
Eventually I may have to do that, to be free myself. I am still attached to her in many ways, more so than when we were married. More focused. I was getting this way before she left.. I was really starting to see her and care/love her more..
So, I have to do a weigh and close on this.


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What I am seeing through this thread is.
Stay back, keep 4 to 5 day conversations, dont be too available, dont divorce, detach basically not go dark..
I think the girls will keep in contact with me and continue to see me. They are grown up, working and raising family. I am very supportive of all of that. Some of it financial, but they are my kids and grand kids..
I will re read this thread over and over. Sometimes I miss the true meaning of things.
Being a deployed out to sea Sailor ( SUbmarine guy), I am used to being out of sight out of mind for many months.. I am good with patience.
I will be traveling to Italy in a couple weeks. Very much looking forward to that. Problem I have is, I have a tendency to buy for everyone, even wife.. I may need to scale that down big time.


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Who is telling you to to keep the 4-5 day conversations?

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Originally Posted by LH19
Who is telling you to to keep the 4-5 day conversations?
No one, it was a time frame I talk to her. It was a comment early on that you would talk to a friend every four or five days for some time. Thats all, and I took it as a positive, as I would still talk to her, in that sense.


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Originally Posted by LH19
CW is a WAS and just now has a relationship with his spouse after 10 years.
Trigger warning -- LH often brings up I once wore a WAS hat (I've left and been left). My son was hospitalized as a result of my XW. For me, that was an exit condition. For some, "Til Death Do Us Part" has no exceptions. There are a wide range of people on this board.

Originally Posted by LH19
I don't know Mach how does dinner with the BF sound to you? You can revisit this friendship in 7 years.
Mach can also revisit "dinner with BF" if and when it actually comes up. His wife is currently offering holiday dinners with just her, him, and the kids. There is only a small chance discarding (or preserving) the routine wins her back. A key question is how important is it to him and his kids? It's been years. Take the time to think through what's working for you and what's not. It's obvious you probably want to achieve more detachment than you have now given you've been waiting for years and she's finally dating.

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Originally Posted by Mach40
Originally Posted by LH19
Who is telling you to to keep the 4-5 day conversations?
No one, it was a time frame I talk to her. It was a comment early on that you would talk to a friend every four or five days for some time. Thats all, and I took it as a positive, as I would still talk to her, in that sense.
So again the 4-5 day conversations are fine as long as you keep them up when she gets a BF. If not then these convos are purely manipulation.

Last edited by LH19; 10/06/21 05:09 PM.
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