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BL42 #2924627 10/10/21 08:39 AM
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LH, WF and BL, thanks for contributing.

Firstly, I recognise that I am definitely jaded and cynical now. I agree, I have no idea what their future holds and I will take your advice not to talk to my friend about it. I guess I'm just in the space now where I want to use what I have gone through to help others avoid having to go through the same thing. Of course, I can do that by raising my son the right way.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Being beyond wanting to get back with your ex isn't the end all be all of healing after a D.

Agreed, and I do recognise this and will persevere with my process, but appreciate the reminder.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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OB, are you in counseling? Jaded and cynical is no way to live! I went through a jaded and cynical point in my life in my mid 20s. It became a very lonely time for me. I had always had more friends than I had time to spend with. But being jaded, cynical, bitter, even a bit angry and push people away from you. I think of the scene in When Harry Met Sally when Harry goes off on their friends (that are starting a new R together) and Sally after he bumps into his exWife with her AP, now husband. Nobody wants to be around that guy! So don't be that guy.

Are you in IC?


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Hey Steve, yep I am in fortnightly IC. Perhaps you misunderstood, I am jaded and cynical about M, not about life in general or even relationships. More about what people who were once everything can do to each other. It is hard not to be seeing what goes on in the people's lives on this board. I am actually really upbeat and positive about life.

Interestingly, I have being saying that I am fortunate that STBXW hasn't introduced my S to OM yet. Well this afternoon I got an email saying that she is planning to introduce S to OM and his son, just for playdates. She has offered for me to meet OM. Just after BD she made me promise that each of us had veto power over someone meeting S5. I guess her offering for me to meet OM is a way of downplaying this promise. "see you met him now I can introduce him to S5 and I wasn't lying last year". I don't want to meet him, it will achieve nothing. Thoughts

She also mentioned looking to buy a place and moving me off the family health insurance (covered by her work).

I won't lie it initially knocked me for 6. I knew it was coming sooner or later, but it hurt. I'm trying to be honest as to why. It's not that I thought we had a chance still, its more that I'm scared that my S like him and his son (I know that's selfish, but its still raw, like 2 hours old raw). On a positive, my emotional control and regulation worked well. I took time to pause and get control, didn't react and felt better after about 15 minutes. I have responded to the email saying that there were things that I would prefer to discuss over the phone.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Perhaps you misunderstood, I am jaded and cynical about M, not about life in general or even relationships.
Can you explain why?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Just after BD she made me promise that each of us had veto power over someone meeting S5.
I am sorry Bent but this made me laugh. Can you think of any promises she has broken in the past?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I guess her offering for me to meet OM is a way of downplaying this promise. "see you met him now I can introduce him to S5 and I wasn't lying last year".
Bent do you truly believe she gives any thought in her promise to you?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I don't want to meet him, it will achieve nothing. Thoughts
Then don't. It gives some people comfort knowing that met someone who spends times with their kids.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
She also mentioned looking to buy a place and moving me off the family health insurance (covered by her work).
Welcome to the world of divorce my friend.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I won't lie it initially knocked me for 6. I knew it was coming sooner or later, but it hurt.
Of course it did. You're human. There will be many more. First time you see them together. First time son brings up OM. First family trip together. This could possibly go on for the rest of your life if you don't move forward.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I'm trying to be honest as to why.
Because you are human. You had a family you and a life you were comfortable with. Maybe it wasn't great but it was predictable. Now you don't know what the future holds and your lizard brain doesn't like it so you are anxious. This will change with time.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
It's not that I thought we had a chance still, its more that I'm scared that my S like him and his son (I know that's selfish, but its still raw, like 2 hours old raw).
It's normal Bent. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. It won't change his relationship with you.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
On a positive, my emotional control and regulation worked well. I took time to pause and get control, didn't react and felt better after about 15 minutes. I have responded to the email saying that there were things that I would prefer to discuss over the phone.
This is good.

Bent everything your feeling is normal. The one thing I would point out is that you really need to forget about any pinky swears your STBXW made to you. From here on in she will do what's best for her and you will learn that she really doesn't give a $hit about your feelings anymore.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by OB
I don't want to meet him, it will achieve nothing. Thoughts
Agreed. My XW once brought an OM when picking up the kids and asked if I wanted to meet him. I said no. His door clicked open as I walked away. No idea what he looked like—fat, thin, tall, short, young, old which is probably best. He knows where I live and probably knows what I look like. Not my circus unless my kids indicate abuse.

I do know he was into fishing. I know what my kids saw and wanted to share with me.

Originally Posted by OB
I'm scared that my S like him and his son (I know that's selfish, but its still raw, like 2 hours old raw).
It’s very posible. My son learned about fishing from that OM. Friends and stepparents can add to, be neutral, or subtract from your kids’ lives. More often the first two. They don’t replace you unless you allow your relationship with the kids to breakdown.



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OB, I love the responding rather than reacting! A principle that I don't think gets enough play. Very important

As far a ls S not meeting OM. You realize that as the goes by this becomes less and less realistic. Though most affairs do not end in a long term R, some do. You have to be ready to face that. The promise she made on this was likely to keep the peace. Promises that are impossible to keep aren't real promises. If you were to meet a new great woman a year from now, do you want the ExW having veto power over you introducing her to your son? Of course not. But you made that promise too!

Likely you initiated the promise as a way to control something that you cannot control. This is why so much advice is against these kinds of behaviors because it can set you back when what you tried to control is inevitably not controllable.

I know it stinks. I know your wish your could change it. But you can't control it.

Oh, and congrats on the honesty around this! Shows great self awareness. Many LBSs try to rationalize why they think something like this is black and white. Being honest about your feelings around this will allow you to deal with them. It's broach it with your IC in your next session.


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LH19 #2924932 10/13/21 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Perhaps you misunderstood, I am jaded and cynical about M, not about life in general or even relationships.
Can you explain why?

Let me think about that one.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Just after BD she made me promise that each of us had veto power over someone meeting S5.
Originally Posted by LH19
I am sorry Bent but this made me laugh. Can you think of any promises she has broken in the past?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I guess her offering for me to meet OM is a way of downplaying this promise. "see you met him now I can introduce him to S5 and I wasn't lying last year".
Originally Posted by LH19
Bent do you truly believe she gives any thought in her promise to you?
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Likely you initiated the promise as a way to control something that you cannot control.

No it was STBXW who initiated this promise and that neither of us would let someone else come in and ruin our (post-separation) family. Of course I agreed because I didn't want to D, I think she enacted these promises because she wasn't confident that she would find anyone and didn't want me moving on before her. Her excuse for breaking the promise is that I had my sister stay at my place earlier this year with S5 there and she hates my sister, hence the agreement is void.

Regardless, you are right. I need to let these promises go. Even if she was honourable, it is unrealistic to hold on to these notions. Holding on to them is not useful.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I don't want to meet him, it will achieve nothing. Thoughts

Originally Posted by LH19
Then don't. It gives some people comfort knowing that met someone who spends times with their kids.

The question is do I think that as a Dad it is best to meet him. Do I trust STBXW's judgement of him? To be honest, I don't want to go and meet him with the slightest feeling that it is to either give him a piece of my mind or somehow get one over him.

Originally Posted by LH19
Of course it did. You're human. There will be many more. First time you see them together. First time son brings up OM. First family trip together. This could possibly go on for the rest of your life if you don't move forward.

You are right. I am a bit disappointed in myself because I had made such good progress. I knew this day was coming. The way she put it, as playdates with all four of them is what surprised me. Like an instant family. I know it is out of my control and not my concern, it just all seems so fast. I had just always assumed they wouldn't last. Last year we bought a place and renovated the kitchen, this year she sees a forever future with someone else. It is surreal how fast life can change.


Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I'm trying to be honest as to why.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I know it stinks. I know your wish your could change it. But you can't control it.

Oh, and congrats on the honesty around this! Shows great self awareness. Many LBSs try to rationalize why they think something like this is black and white. Being honest about your feelings around this will allow you to deal with them. It's broach it with your IC in your next session.

Thanks Steve, I am seeing IC this afternoon, its good timing! I am trying to be honest as to why I am feeling what I am. From a logical perspective:

- I knew this day would come sooner or later
- I knew that STBXW is a person who doesn't honour her promises and honesty is no longer important to her
- She has shown herself to be disloyal, hypocritical, selfish and unforgiving so it is not someone that I want in my life anymore than necessary anyway
- Besides doing a few shady things and saying a few nasty things (probably based on lies anyway), I don't know that OM is a bad person or that he wouldn't be good to my S

I think that my ego is hurt. She chose someone else and I don't want her in my life anymore, in reality all I should hope for is that he is kind to my S and that there is some stability for him.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Hey OB

My kids met OW as H friend literally a couple of days after he said we are done. And they really liked here. H would lie to me whether she was there and would say things like it makes no difference if its her or one of his friends, she is just company. So i had to get over the gact that this is not an area within my control pretty quickly.

Over the following 6 months my kids witnessed them holding hands and kissing and i had some very confused kids coming home. Things changed when H finally moved in with her, S7 cant wait until she goes back to love with her parents and doesn’t understand why she is always there and goes everywhere with them, he wants to spend time with H and S6 without her. S6 is ok with her actually, but does not want them to marry.

My point is things change, life is full of surprises, sometime good ones, sometimes bad ones. But ultimately, her being there has not changed my relationship with my kids. In fact its hundred times better than what it was before. Im their lighthouse, always here to guide, consistent, supportive.
Do i like her being in their lives? Well not particularly, i dont always agree with things i hear. But its difficult to adress those with H, so i teach my children to stand up for themselves and speak out.

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Her excuse for breaking the promise is that I had my sister stay at my place earlier this year with S5 there and she hates my sister, hence the agreement is void.
This sounds very reasonable. Insert LH19 eyeroll
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I don't want to meet him, it will achieve nothing. Thoughts
I agree 100%
Originally Posted by LH19
Then don't. It gives some people comfort knowing that met someone who spends times with their kids.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Do I trust STBXW's judgement of him?
Doesn't matter anyway. You can't do anything about it.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
You are right. I am a bit disappointed in myself because I had made such good progress.
Go easy on yourself.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I had just always assumed they wouldn't last.
Probably won't. 99% of all relations don't last.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I think that my ego is hurt.
Ding Ding Ding we have a winner. You think because she chose him over you that he's better then you.
Totally not true. If someone had steak for dinner every day for 20 years and was hungry and was given the option of steak or chop liver. What choice would that person make? So sick of steak the chop liver looks great to the person. We all know steak is way better then chop liver.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
She chose someone else and I don't want her in my life anymore, in reality all I should hope for is that he is kind to my S and that there is some stability for him.
Complete agreement.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Oh and i have never formally met OW, but we have come into contact, but i dont speak to her, i dont acknowledge her, as far as im concerned she is part of H life, but not mine. I see no reason to get to know her, its doesn’t achieve anything at all. If there was an issues kids would tell me and ot has happened previously, so im fairly confident that i will know if there is a problem.

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