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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mach40
One thing I forgot she did mention is she has noticed a huge change in me for the positive.
Well this is obviously a good sign but talk is cheap my friend. Her actions of being separated and filing for separation paint a different story.

When a woman's heart hardens it takes a really long time to soften if ever. 3 years is a long time.
To be fair, I filed and she agreed to the maintenance and separation agreement.. She was not pushing it.
A womens heart does take a long time, of which she has told me.. She said it is going to take an awakening of some sort.. She is just numb right now, yet we get along great, were amicable etc. Like family without living together and being physical.


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
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PS, I am not receiving any notifications that this thread is getting posts?


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
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Originally Posted by Mach40
PS, I am not receiving any notifications that this thread is getting posts?
Yeah - we are not getting any notifications about anything on the board - the function seems to be disabled.

We have complained to the administrator but they have not figured it out yet.

Sorry


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Originally Posted by Mach40
She said it is going to take an awakening of some sort
Like she may lose you forever.

Originally Posted by Mach40
She is just numb right now, yet we get along great, were amicable etc. Like family without living together and being physical.
Man if I had a nickel for every time a LBS thought this was a good thing I could retire and by my own island.

I was watching an episode of "Parenthood" and there was a woman talking to her mother in regards to reconciling with her husband. She said she couldn't see herself getting over what he did. Her mother said "you know what the most important thing about marriage is?" woman said "no" the mother said "forgiveness" without it you are sure to fail.

Some people can't forgive. I am dating a woman right now who has said "when she is done there is no going back". I could see the conviction in her voice and eyes that she means it. You have to figure out if your STBXW can forgive. Since it seems she is not dating anyone and has shown positive signs towards you then a IMO a talk is warranted.

The signs point to that she is stringing you along. The question becomes are you ok with that moving forward?


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“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mach40
She said it is going to take an awakening of some sort
Like she may lose you forever.

Originally Posted by Mach40
She is just numb right now, yet we get along great, were amicable etc. Like family without living together and being physical.
Man if I had a nickel for every time a LBS thought this was a good thing I could retire and by my own island.

I was watching an episode of "Parenthood" and there was a woman talking to her mother in regards to reconciling with her husband. She said she couldn't see herself getting over what he did. Her mother said "you know what the most important thing about marriage is?" woman said "no" the mother said "forgiveness" without it you are sure to fail.

Some people can't forgive. I am dating a woman right now who has said "when she is done there is no going back". I could see the conviction in her voice and eyes that she means it. You have to figure out if your STBXW can forgive. Since it seems she is not dating anyone and has shown positive signs towards you then a IMO a talk is warranted.

The signs point to that she is stringing you along. The question becomes are you ok with that moving forward?
Forgiveness, on both sides is paramount.
And the statement about how you retire due to thinking it was a god thing, can you go into more detail?


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Hi Mach,

I agree you are currently Plan B if any plan at all.

Is online dating hard for women in their early 50s? Probably harder than in their 30s. The women I know are still flooded with messages, even more than us 40s men. In your favor, maybe only 15% of their matches are stable and securely attached, and maybe they only fancy and are fancied back by 20% of those. It requires persistence to find a good partner and not just easy sex.

While the "High Risk, High Reward" plan of breaking off friendly contact with your ex is oft suggested, in your situation, I'll make the rare suggestion to consider what YOU stand to lose. You see your kids every Thanksgiving and Christmas, and they see both their parents--without choosing a home, without attending two events. You have a friend you talk to every 4-5 days who's known you for 30yrs. Most who discard these birds in the hand do not win that bird in the bush.

So be judicious about what you're willing to give up. Maybe you don't want to give up the upcoming shared holidays with your kids. Big holidays are only a half-dozen days per year. Even if 3 years from now it may include her BF, and 5 years from now it may include your GF. Maybe you are okay with giving up chatting every 4-5 days. Maybe that would even help to detach and find your own way.

I have a relationship with my XW that I value. You do you.



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When a WS gets what they want they are typically amicable with the LBS even to the point of being friends and doing things with the family. The LBS reads this as a sign that she/he is softening and rethinking things. Then out of the blue OM/OW comes into the picture and the LBS in dumfounded.

I was on the beach one day talking to one of my BF wife. She said doesn't want to be married to or have sex with my friend anymore but she would love to be friends with him.

Look Mach you are in a tough spot. You take responsibility for your separation which is a good thing. You claim to be a changed man and have showed her your changes for three years. You have to decide when you feel you did all you can do. I am just not a big proponent of the LBS waiting around forever. Life is way too short. Only you how long to wait. I am just trying to open your eyes to the fact that if she is dating then you are not on her radar right now.


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“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Mach, hey man. Sorry you had to find this out. I am assuming that you were holding out hope that she would eventually want to piece and R? And the dating thing is ruining your hope of that? Is that what I am perceiving here?

Is her going on dates with other guys a deal-breaker? Or are you just reacting to the news? My advice would be to take some time. There is no hurry here. I know it hurts to find out that she wasn't in the same place as you, but that doesn't mean you have to move to D right now. Are you in IC? If not I highly encourage it.

If her going on dates with other guys is a deal-breaker, then by all means it is within your right to pull the plug and move forward with your own life. But again, this doesn't have to be overnight. You didn't get to this point in your MR overnight, she didn't start dating overnight, and there is no reason that you have to move to D overnight either. Take the time. Mull on it. Talk to your IC.

Mach40, how has GAL been going? Has this "doing things as a family" stunted your detachment? I see you have made a lot of self-improvements, that is awesome! I hope those were for you and not for her or to try to save the marriage.

Regardless of what happens, if you continue to do the work you are going to be awesome in the future. One of the things that struck me is how long you've been waiting. How long are you willing to wait for her? Anothe 3? 5? 10 years? Life is short. I think you've given her plenty of time to make up her mind. I think it would be a good move for Mach40 to say "I am taking control of my life back into my own hands!" and to start moving forward with your own life. If she decides to come along for the ride, fine. If not, fine. But Mach40 is moving on up!


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Not on her radar and plan B.. Sounds correct. I know she will never admit it. But, if she truly had no intention of getting back together with me, keeping me in her reach is not a nice thing to do.
I am sure its quite common though..
She needs to be upfront, explain her intentions, if they are foreseeable future, and then let me decide.
She may just not have any physical or mental attraction, but is sacrificing keeping me around for the kids and grand kids.


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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Is online dating hard for women in their early 50s? Probably harder than in their 30s. The women I know are still flooded with messages, even more than us 40s men. In your favor, maybe only 15% of their matches are stable and securely attached, and maybe they only fancy and are fancied back by 20% of those. It requires persistence to find a good partner and not just easy sex.
I hope this information was helpful to you Mach.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
While the "High Risk, High Reward" plan of breaking off friendly contact with your ex is oft suggested, in your situation, I'll make the rare suggestion to consider what YOU stand to lose. You see your kids every Thanksgiving and Christmas, and they see both their parents--without choosing a home, without attending two events. You have a friend you talk to every 4-5 days who's known you for 30yrs.

So to translate CWs is asking are you ok with the friend zone?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Most who discard these birds in the hand do not win that bird in the bush.
Huh?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
So be judicious about what you're willing to give up. Maybe you don't want to give up the upcoming shared holidays with your kids. Big holidays are only a half-dozen days per year. Even if 3 years from now it may include her BF, and 5 years from now it may include your GF. Maybe you are okay with giving up chatting every 4-5 days. Maybe that would even help to detach and find your own way.
I don't know Mach how does dinner with the BF sound to you?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I have a relationship with my XW that I value. You do you.
CW is a WAS and just now has a relationship with his spouse after 10 years. You can revisit this friendship in 7 years.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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