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Magnhild,
Originally Posted by Magnhild
I opened my separate bank account which, together with seeing an old friend the previous night and filling him in with the latest, left me raw.
I can understand why that would make you emotional, but it's good you're protecting yourself financially.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Unfortunately, as I was driving home I received a text from the W saying she was round and packing up more stuff. I made the cardinal sin of falling apart in front of her, and going against everything that I have learned on these forums. I tried to control how bereft I was feeling, but told her that although I am accepting that from her our relationship is over, I really, REALLY didn’t want this. Jeez, I was a mess, and am embarrassed at how weak I must have looked. Fuch it. I made a mistake. I will get there.
That's why we recommended not being around when she came by or better yet being proactive in packing up her stuff yourself and leaving the boxes/bags on the porch or in the garage. That said, everyone makes mistakes like this and it's over now - just work on yourself to get stronger for the future.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Since then, I have been actually really fine. Maybe I needed those last tears to seal it, and am now feeling controlled and resigned to whatever happens now.
Glad you're feeling better, but expect it's over. There will be ups and downs...key thing is that you're treading up overall.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I had conflicting thoughts of a) texting her to hope she feels better and b) not contacting her as isn’t this the consequence of leaving a marriage and not having your partner give support? It was like having the angel and devil on each shoulder. Although I will probably get slammed on here for admitting this, I do want to be compassionate with everyone, so I sent the text.
I won't "slam" you, but probably best if you hadn't. You likely hoped (at least subconsciously) she would respond or appreciate the sentiment and it would help your sitch, and then it may you feel a bit worse when your expectations weren't met. Am I right? This isn't a average co-worker. It's hard to do something like that with her without expectations.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Our mutual friends have been absolutely awesome, and even though they are supporting us both, they seem to have gravitated towards me more and more. They have been arranging lots of good fun things to do for which I am immensely grateful for.
That's great! Friends and fun activities help immensely!

Originally Posted by Magnhild
On the health front, I am continuing to be fabulous and receiving a lot of flattering remarks from people.
Also great! Keep up the momentum (don't revert)!

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I WILL be OK. It will take time, but roll with the good feelings.
Indeed!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
I won't "slam" you, but probably best if you hadn't. You likely hoped (at least subconsciously) she would respond or appreciate the sentiment and it would help your sitch, and then it may you feel a bit worse when your expectations weren't met. Am I right? This isn't a average co-worker. It's hard to do something like that with her without expectations.

Actually, she responded very positively, so I'm glad I sent the text.

My IC suggested that I really needed to hear her say that the marriage is officially over for her, rather than her just needing some space. So, yep, we did have a relationship conversation last weekend. Geez, I ended up being her emotional punchbag again and, after having felt pretty centred for a while, I was a wreck. I did my best "This is not what I want, but I accept this is how you feel" speech. Even though she tells me that she had forgiven me for whatever sins I committed in the M, she is still so, so angry at me. I really wasn't that bad! But I did a good job of validating. My IC keeps telling me we both had a part to play in the demise of our M, but I didn't tell W that.

We parted with the agreement that she would get legal advice and move things forward.

I was very surprised that she came to see me at the end of school the next day. She said she wanted to check in about work stuff (I had mentioned the mess things are at school the previous day) to see how I was. She was off to see her dysfunctional family (her words) and thinks her mother has now given up living. She is really emotional about loads of stuff - not just me.

She texted a couple of days ago to let me know she had transferred her wages out of our shared account, as a matter of courtesy, I think. I responded by telling her she really needed to sort out what she wants for the settlement of assets and she asked for the contact of the lawyer. Have heard nothing since.

Since then I realised I have been pushing her forward on the D. Manipulation? Maybe. Passive aggressive? Probably. I now feel I would like us both to wait on the D. I'm too emotional to be able to handle it, and I'm guessing that she is too. Is this why some places the couple has to be separated for a year before they divorce?

I really don't think I'm holding on to the fact that she may change her mind at some point. I would just rather go through a D when I'm not on the rollercoaster that I'm on at the moment.

On the positive front, I've been getting on with GAL and having a lot of fun times with friends. I'll be honest, however much I'm told that this M is over, I still hold on to some hope. Why is this? I'm a rational person, yet even when things are laid out in black & white, part of me still hopes.

It's so difficult to detach when we work in the same place.

Just keep being fabulous.
Just keep being fabulous.
Just keep being fabulous.

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Magnhild,
Originally Posted by Magnhild
My IC suggested that I really needed to hear her say that the marriage is officially over for her, rather than her just needing some space. So, yep, we did have a relationship conversation last weekend. Geez, I ended up being her emotional punchbag again and, after having felt pretty centred for a while, I was a wreck.
Ok, you heard it. Did that help? Try not to make it a pattern of "just need to hear it officially official one more time". As I'm sure others will mention, part of the reason for no R talks is they almost never change the situation, but more importantly because they can be a blow to you and set you back. You became a wreck because of the R talk. It set you back a bit. No worries, happens to everyone, but try to keep your head up and move forward from here.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I did my best "This is not what I want, but I accept this is how you feel" speech.
Don't think it's meant to be a speech. Just a simple statement then end it/walk away.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Even though she tells me that she had forgiven me for whatever sins I committed in the M, she is still so, so angry at me. I really wasn't that bad! But I did a good job of validating. My IC keeps telling me we both had a part to play in the demise of our M, but I didn't tell W that.
The anger is typical. My ExW was so angry at me and I couldn't understand it - she was the one having the affair. Part of it could've been things building up over a long time she never let out and part of it could be her not wanting to accept the blame for the affair and ending the marriage.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I was very surprised that she came to see me at the end of school the next day. She said she wanted to check in about work stuff (I had mentioned the mess things are at school the previous day) to see how I was.
This is starting to sound manipulative. She's divorcing you and angry and blaming you for everything...yet she stops by casually to "check in"? Don't let her play with your emotions like that. Tell her not to "stop by" and if that doesn't work tell your supervisor you need her to keep things professional.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
She was off to see her dysfunctional family (her words) and thinks her mother has now given up living. She is really emotional about loads of stuff - not just me.
My ExW cut her dad out of her life for 5 years. Now he's back in her life and watching the kids. My ExW would frequently complain about her mother and how "psycho" she was, yet leaned on her 100% to enable the affair/D. When she said those things about her family it made me and my family feel like we were closer to her. The only thing was...what was she saying to her family about us? What is your W telling her family about you? When people say bad things and complain about others to you, it's not unlikely they're doing the same behind your back.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I really don't think I'm holding on to the fact that she may change her mind at some point.
Originally Posted by Magnhild
I'll be honest, however much I'm told that this M is over, I still hold on to some hope. Why is this? I'm a rational person, yet even when things are laid out in black & white, part of me still hopes.
Are these two statements congruent?

Originally Posted by Magnhild
On the positive front, I've been getting on with GAL and having a lot of fun times with friends.

Great! Keep it up. GAL makes everything so much better.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
It's so difficult to detach when we work in the same place.
I bet. Tell her NOT to just "stop by" at work. If that doesn't work get your supervisor or HR to tell her.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Her "responding positively" isn't exactly the best thing. Did she text you about it? If not, she didn't want your compassion. And plus it's almost like you are paying attention to what she is doing in a creep way. Just forget about her and focus on you. Like R2C said, dress well, act well, be well.

She isn't your woman and you need to start acting like it, stat.

Last edited by ovrrnbw; 10/05/21 01:07 AM.

H 34
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BD 3/12/18
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It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Her "responding positively" isn't exactly the best thing. Did she text you about it? If not, she didn't want your compassion.
Yes, she texted right back to say how pleased she was to hear from me.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
And plus it's almost like you are paying attention to what she is doing in a creep way.
Creepy? Oh no!! I don't want to be creepy!

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Just forget about her and focus on you. Like R2C said, dress well, act well, be well.
Thank you. I am trying.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
She isn't your woman and you need to start acting like it, stat.
Again, trying to do my best here.

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Any updates?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thanks for checking in, Ready2Change. It's appreciated.

I am on these boards every day; reading different situations, trying to draw parallels and learning a great deal, thanks to the wisdom here.

It's still very tough. Better days, bad days...

I went away for the weekend with my tribe - the tribe that would usually include her, but hey ho. We had an amazing time in a most beautiful part of the country which I'd never been to before. Some new happy and funny memories. It was W's birthday while we we there. After a great deal of soul searching I sent her a text to say "Happy Birthday. I hope you have a great day". She replied later with a big, long text telling that me her mother has been admitted to hospital with pneumonia.

I felt so sorry. The first birthday after leaving must be tough with all her friends (remember we have a lot of mutual friends) being on a jolly without her. Her choice, I know, however, it must be hard. Then to compound it, spending the day with her very sick mother in hospital.

Not my problem anymore, but I am not heartless. Shoot me down again, but I reached out later that evening to find out how her mother was. A few texts back and forth about that with me finishing with "It must be such a worry for you all. I'm here if you need me". I know, I know. I should have kept things brief, but I do feel bad for her, however much she has chosen this.

So, not much to report.

More and more people at school are finding out. We had a "Cheese & Wine" do at school a few days ago. The amount of people that came up asking where my "lovely" wife was. I told them briefly that she'd left me and then moved the conversation on. I even had a kid today asking me "You used to wear a ring, Miss. Where is it?" Totally innocent, but still.

I see her at school as we both work there. Polite hellos. Professional hellos. It still kills me.

I am continuing with not drinking and working out. Now down 12 KGs and looking finer by the day smile We have a very intense school inspection starting tomorrow, so that has kept me busy, and takes up some headspace, which is a relief.

But I'm finding it hard to detach when I still love her so much. I'm hanging on day by day and committed to being the best possible woman I can be. I still think about her all the time, but keep those thoughts to myself. Occasionally break down, but getting stronger.

She's done, and I just need to get on with dealing with the hurt, but I still wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

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Hi Magnhild,

Originally Posted by Magnhild
A few texts back and forth about that with me finishing with "It must be such a worry for you all. I'm here if you need me". I know, I know. I should have kept things brief, but I do feel bad for her, however much she has chosen this.
Okay, aiming my nerf gun at you. She chose to be single on her birthday. -Pew- -Pew- -Pew-

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Not my problem anymore, but I am not heartless. Shoot me down again, but I reached out later that evening to find out how her mother was. "It must be such a worry for you all."
On this one, no nerf darts from me. I would do the same for a random stranger on the street, a clerk at a grocery store, a co-worker, an acquaintance, a friend, or a partner. If this is you and not done with any expectations no complaints.



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Magnhild,
Originally Posted by Magnhild
I went away for the weekend with my tribe - the tribe that would usually include her, but hey ho. We had an amazing time in a most beautiful part of the country which I'd never been to before. Some new happy and funny memories.
That's awesome! Perfect GAL. Hope you had fun with your friends.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
It was W's birthday while we we there. After a great deal of soul searching I sent her a text to say "Happy Birthday. I hope you have a great day".
Eh. You shouldn't be reaching out. It slows your detachment and gives her some relief from her actions...easing her into the situation and pain of losing the relationship.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by Magnhild
Not my problem anymore, but I am not heartless. Shoot me down again, but I reached out later that evening to find out how her mother was. "It must be such a worry for you all."
On this one, no nerf darts from me. I would do the same for a random stranger on the street, a clerk at a grocery store, a co-worker, an acquaintance, a friend, or a partner. If this is you and not done with any expectations no complaints.
Disagree w/CWarrior on this one. She is not some random stranger or casual acquaintance. She is your W who left you and break up your marriage. You should not be providing comfort to ease her burden. You wouldn't text all that to a random stranger or or store clerk. You might say something if you happened upon them by happenstance, but in this case you initiated contact out of no where.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
The amount of people that came up asking where my "lovely" wife was. I told them briefly that she'd left me and then moved the conversation on.
Seems like a good response. Tell them the high level sitch without delving into details and then move on.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I even had a kid today asking me "You used to wear a ring, Miss. Where is it?" Totally innocent, but still.
That hurts. I had a friend's friend ask me "where's your beautiful wife?" at a party this weekend. He didn't know and didn't mean any harm, but it made me twinge a bit none the less.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I see her at school as we both work there. Polite hellos. Professional hellos. It still kills me.
Hopefully she's stopped just "swinging by" to chat?

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I am continuing with not drinking and working out. Now down 12 KGs and looking finer by the day smile
Awesome!

Originally Posted by Magnhild
But I'm finding it hard to detach when I still love her so much. I'm hanging on day by day and committed to being the best possible woman I can be. I still think about her all the time, but keep those thoughts to myself. Occasionally break down, but getting stronger.
That's tough. Keep working at it. It takes time, but you'll get there.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
She's done, and I just need to get on with dealing with the hurt, but I still wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
I completely understand. Actually sleep used to provide relief but then you always wake up with the realization of the truth. It'll get better. Hang in there.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Someone: "Where is your wife?"

You: "I have no idea. How are you?" or " I don't know. How are you?" or "Not sure. How are you?"

Hopefully subject is change to the other person.


If they ask about your R with W:

"It ran it's course" or "We are not together anymore." Then ask about the other person. Make it about them and not you. Example "I like your coat, where did you get it?" can be used instead of How are you?"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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