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I agree. Don't respond.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Do not respond!

Her reaching out is at best inconsiderate to your feelings, and more likely manipulative. She is divorcing you yet feels the need to reach out so you not think ill of her? That's BS.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Then you would the follow up text several hours later:

"BTW, SON's grades are sh!t and he is giving me total attitude about it. I know we disagree on how we parent about school but I really would like him to care more about his grades. Cs and Ds for him are unacceptable to me."

I responded:

"I agree. He needs to do better than that. It's disappointing. It will be interesting to talk with him to hear what going on with school."

Not sure how I'll get graded on my response but a couple of things:

Last week I saw the two of them interact and he pays he no mind. She would ask him a question and he wouldn't answer. I have thought all along he knows something about the affair, but now hearing that people are talking about another possibility, it seems all but certain. I don't know how to help him through what I perceive as his anger. It doesn't come out around me.

Second, I feel like that text gives insight into her dealings with him and her dealings in general.

And lastly, I'm really worried about my kids. On the service they seem fine but I feel like things are happening underneath. I'm worried about my son and what I perccieve as his disdain for his mother which seems to transfer to others at times (specifically he has a real issue with feeling "disrespected" by teachers and it seems to be women more specifically). I'm worried about my daughters moral compass as her mom talks about sleeping on some guys boat and normalizes that behavior.

And then LH just made me realize that my STBEx would have been having sex with me and her ex back in college. That never went through my mind before but at this age, that seems kind of gross. It also points to the fact that she sees that as acceptable. I don't know, something new I had never thought about before (and not entirely relevant).

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Originally Posted by ScottB
"I agree. He needs to do better than that. It's disappointing. It will be interesting to talk with him to hear what going on with school."
This is a good response just make sure you follow through and try to find out what's going on.

Originally Posted by ScottB
Last week I saw the two of them interact and he pays he no mind. She would ask him a question and he wouldn't answer. I have thought all along he knows something about the affair, but now hearing that people are talking about another possibility, it seems all but certain. I don't know how to help him through what I perceive as his anger. It doesn't come out around me.
Talk to him. Find out what he knows or doesn't know. He's probably dying to get it off his chest.

Originally Posted by ScottB
Second, I feel like that text gives insight into her dealings with him and her dealings in general.
Not necessarily. She's probably just worried about his grades.

Originally Posted by ScottB
And lastly, I'm really worried about my kids. On the service they seem fine but I feel like things are happening underneath. I'm worried about my son and what I perccieve as his disdain for his mother which seems to transfer to others at times (specifically he has a real issue with feeling "disrespected" by teachers and it seems to be women more specifically).

Do you have him in therapy?

Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm worried about my daughters moral compass as her mom talks about sleeping on some guys boat and normalizes that behavior.
She tells your daughter she's sleeping on some dudes boat? In what context?

Originally Posted by ScottB
And then LH just made me realize that my STBEx would have been having sex with me and her ex back in college. That never went through my mind before but at this age, that seems kind of gross. It also points to the fact that she sees that as acceptable. I don't know, something new I had never thought about before (and not entirely relevant).
I think she may have a problem with monogamy.

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Look I get this stuff is hard, especially when it's fresh. And all of this anger of mine isn't pointed directly at you Scott but some of the newly divorced parents around here including yourself are really struggling with some things that you shouldn't be struggling with. So that being said, please know that all of the below is to address what you said, but the whole thing isn't pointed directly at you. It's also addressing in a broad sense some of the things you brought up that I see a little too much of for people who have access to the internet and search engines.

Children ignore their mothers in perfectly happy healthy 2 parent no A, no D homes. When it's the voice you hear the most it's the easiest to tune out. When it's the one telling you no the most you stop hearing the nos. When it's the one telling you when and how to do things the most inevitably it will sound like white noise. Also kids start showing open defiance and testing boundaries with there parents in their tweens. You're describing perfectly normal developmentally appropriate behavior and attributing to your own problems because it's one more thing to blame or shame exW for.

And I swear to god if another man comes on here and compares his daughter to his exW or says he's worried about her modeling her behavior after her mother because of the affair I'm going to scream. Don't project your problems with your exW's behavior on your daughter. Get your head out of your back side and stop creating imaginary future issues that don't actually and likely won't exist. You want your daughter to understand what healthy behavior is in a relationship? You model it for her. You want your daughter to know what kind of behavior is becoming of a future mate? Show her. Your daughter has 2 parents.

Keep your side of the street clean, and mind your own business. What happens in mom's house is mom's business. What happens in your house is your business. If the children aren't in harm's way or fearful they needn't share what happens in each other's household. You and exW really need to develop some much more healthy and more rigid boundaries. You are far too enmeshed at this stage in the game. Two households. Two lives. You parent side by side until you have enough time and distance from the marriage to parent cooperatively.

Next on to detachment, and control. Detachment is a process you should always be working on with your ex. It doesn't stop because you aren't trying to save the marriage any more. You can't control what exW does. You can't control what she did. You can't control how she is with the kids. You can't control what the kids think or feel about her. You can't control what behaviors, thought processes, ideals or beliefs that they will get from their mother, or you for that matter. The only thing you can do is control yourself. You be the best you, you can be. You be the best dad you can be. In the future you be the best boyfriend and maybe someday husband you can be. That's all you can do.

Children are not an extension of their parents. They are their own people, with their own thoughts, coping mechanisms, and life experiences shaping them. They won't be carbon copies of either of you. They will only be themselves. They also won't ever share the same world view as you, because the world looks different to them. Even if you do agree on many things as they age you will still never think or feel the exact same way about anything. The sooner you fully understand that and accept that the better.

I strongly, strongly suggest you take a co-parenting class. I think it would also help if you picked up a book or two or just read a few articles online about child development so you can understand better what typical and what is atypical behavior. What you should worry about, and what you need to learn to roll with the punches. Lastly, I strongly, strongly suggest you get into IC if you aren't in it already. You need the tools to separate your issues with your exW from your issues or potential issues with your children. You need some tools to process this so you aren't projecting your issues on to your kids. You're going to need some tools to parent as the kids get older that you probably haven't thought of. We should all be striving to be the best parent we are capable of. And with IC it would really help you to have an unbiased sounding board process the D and the future of co-parenting.

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Originally Posted by Scott
I agree. He needs to do better than that. It's disappointing. It will be interesting to talk with him to hear what going on with school.
Scott, it's a fine response, short and to the point--we don't always need to validate. (:

I agree with many of Wayfarer's points. She says, "Kids start showing open defiance and testing boundaries with their parents in their tweens." In another thread, an LBH asks how their daughter's day was, and he attributes the short answer of "Fine" or "Good" to parental alienation. D probably has an effect, but these aren't unusual teen behaviors. If you haven't talked to your kids much about the D, that is something worth talking about. There are good books on the topic to help you cause more ease than unease. I read one by Mr. Rogers which was appropriate for my kids' ages. Talking to him about what's going on at school is a no-brainer. Bringing up an affair they may not know about seems like extra baggage they don't need.

Originally Posted by Wayfarer
Keep your side of the street clean, and mind your own business. What happens in mom's house is mom's business. What happens in your house is your business.

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Wayfarer, I could not agree with you more.

I am a mom to a teen daughter . It’s rough at times. Is she rough at times because she is “modeling my behavior”. NO! It’s because she is a teenage girl navigating her way and becoming her own person! When she’s being a bit$h is it because I’m a bit&h? NO!!!

I have heard far too many LBH start to say as their daughter exhibit normal age appropriate ( which is not always desirable) behavior, that they are scared they are becoming their “mom” and are “afraid”
Come on now. It’s so easy to blame on the walk away spouse. But really not fair to project on to the child.

Things happen in my ex’s house that I’m not fond of sometimes. But I instead my daughter the tools to cope If she asks .

My ex boyfriend used to think his sons bad behaviors at pre school were due to something his ex wife must be doing. After my observation, it was easy to see those behaviors had nothing to do with her and due to him giving him 24/7 undivided attention . But he said his mom must not pay enough attention to him

In the beginning it’s raw and painful and people just want to blame everything on the wall away. There is only so much you can.

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I agree with Wayfarer.

One thing that I could have done better was "Date my daughter" more. Go do things with her. Show her how she should be treated by a man.



Originally Posted by ScottB
"BTW, SON's grades are sh!t and he is giving me total attitude about it. I know we disagree on how we parent about school but I really would like him to care more about his grades. Cs and Ds for him are unacceptable to me."

I responded:

"I agree. He needs to do better than that. It's disappointing. It will be interesting to talk with him to hear what going on with school."

Not sure how I'll get graded on my response but a couple of things:

Your response was fine.

This is my thought process:

"Thanks for sharing. I believe D's and F's are unacceptable. I will speak to him again. I will be restricting some of his privileges until his grades improve. I will let you know what the outcome is."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Wayfarer, I could not agree with you more.

I am a mom to a teen daughter . It’s rough at times. Is she rough at times because she is “modeling my behavior”. NO! It’s because she is a teenage girl navigating her way and becoming her own person! When she’s being a bit$h is it because I’m a bit&h? NO!!!

I have heard far too many LBH start to say as their daughter exhibit normal age appropriate ( which is not always desirable) behavior, that they are scared they are becoming their “mom” and are “afraid”
Come on now. It’s so easy to blame on the walk away spouse. But really not fair to project on to the child.
I'm a mom to a 19 year old and a bonus parent to a 17 year old. I had my daughter as a teen. I was a nanny for a long time. I worked in courts for a decade almost exclusively in juvenile justice. I think it's safe to say anyone who's had to raise a teenage girl truly understands the concept of loving detachment....lol.

However, I've noticed people who aren't around kids much outside of their own kids don't generally get that defiance is normal. And it's actually a desired trait. It means your kid won't just drink the kool-aid or jump off the bridge. But humans by nature are either conflict adverse, or incapable of not engaging. There's very little middle ground unless you've been in therapy for ages. So I do understand why it can be an emotional landmine but what I don't get is why parents let it continue to be one. Teens and tweens are hard to parent for everyone.

More people just need to understand that some times even really exhausting behavior is normal. More people need to understand parenting isn't as instinctual as they'd like to believe there are experts and resources for a reason. Also learning to pick your battles, finding healthy coping mechanisms and communication techniques, and knowing what is within the realm of typical so you can address atypical behavior with intervention are the only ways to the other side of these years. And thankfully there's almost always an other side with trying kids.

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I will add to the chorus of not responding to the post about the neighbor. I like the response about your son's grades.

One thing about cheaters....they will not admit to cheating until the evidence proving it is insurmountable. I know people that were pretty much caught (they were seen going into a hotel room with another person) that to this day have denied cheating. Most cheaters will lie, avoid, deflect, explain and come up with crazy stories to deny they have actually cheated. Short of pictures or video of them in the very act they will attempt to deny.

I say all that to say, in case you were even slightly tempted to hear her side of the story, that you will never get the truth from her. And even if you do you cannot trust that it is the whole truth. This is her guilt coming back on her. Innocent people rarely feel the need to prove their innocence. People that are trying to hide things are the ones that insist on their innocence.

The bottom line is that now none of this matters. You are moving forward with your life without her. Her past transgressions are no longer your problem.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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