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ScottB Offline OP
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Thanks OnlyBent. I'm starting to sort through what my purpose is and doing some soul searching. My wife was my purpose (and my family). Obviously that is not good - you should not make a person your purpose.

So now I'm trying to do the work to figure it out. We'll see if I get anywhere with it, but I think the journey, the question asking, and the searching is a significant start.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
Thanks OnlyBent. I'm starting to sort through what my purpose is and doing some soul searching. My wife was my purpose (and my family). Obviously that is not good - you should not make a person your purpose.

Yep. A lot of us can relate to this, Scott.

I always felt proud by identifying as a family guy, I didn't know that making my partner and family my purpose was a bad thing.

I now realize that balance is critical, and finding our purpose within ourselves is even more important.

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Sage4,
Originally Posted by Sage4
the reality is that the truth still lays between their narrative and yours. Whether evenly in the middle, or only one degree off, anything but complete agreement of the facts is going to skew the actual truth.
True, always in-between but to your point is it 50/50 or 90/10 in one direction in the other? From a lot of the sitches I've read here, it seems like most cases the responsibility lies more than 50% on the WS/WAS than the LBS, but the LBS spouse takes on more than 50/50 of the burden initially and usually (at least at first). Whether that's the inherently biased angle in the stories the LBS tells here, or the fact that the folks on here are the ones seeking answers and trying to to fix things, it's important (imo) for some folks to realize it can very much be more about the WS/WAS than the LBS.

Originally Posted by Sage4
Which then leads full circle back to the only person you can control is yourself. So, tell me how do you want to live your one wild and precious life? (Mary Oliver)
Also true. Only thing we can all do moving forward is to improve ourselves for the future.

ScottB,
Originally Posted by ScottB
Recently my counselor recommended a book called "What Matters Most" by James Hollis. Its hitting me at a good time as I continue to work to think about the next chapter and what I (underlined and bold I), what I want. Not my kids, colleagues, parents, or ex. I'm only three chapters in but I'm finding that it to be a good read.

Overall I feel like I'm in the middle of a good run. Work is going better - I'm feeling my limits and paying attention to them so that I don't take too much on. Socially I'm doing good, finding healthy outlets. I'm really enjoying going kayaking when I can get out. Workouts are going well. I had the entire inside of my house repainted and and I'm redecorating everything. A couple of rooms are done, and my favorite thing is that I added a cool mid century modern desk that I use every night to journal, read some poetry, and spend time to think.
I agree w/OB. Sounds like you're doing well and focused on the right areas. Love the talk about self-reflection and reading, work, socializing, workouts, house improvements...etc.

Originally Posted by ScottB
The divorce is at the 1 yard line. At this time we've made all the decisions we need to make. I would think the paperwork is all set any day and ready to be signed and submitted. I'm sure that day will be a hiccup. And I'm sure the hearing will be a hiccup. But I'm continuing to work to take steps to stay mentally healthy.
Keep us posted on the D finalization. Heads up...it could be an emotional day despite the progress (at least it was for me).


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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ScottB Offline OP
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Just got this text from my STBEx:

“There has been something that has really been weighing on me and I have debated if and how I should share it with you. I’m sure someone has said something to you about NEIGHBOR and me. You have no reason to believe me and I understand that. NEIGHBOR and I were friends. He was nice enough to tell me about the rumors that were being spread about me years ago and that is what developed the friendship. His dad had dementia so I would often ask him questions regarding that. Looking back maybe the friendship was too much and there are some things I guess that could be considered shady. For that I am sorry to you and any pain that may have caused. I’m not even sure what HIS WIFE thinks happened between NEIGHBOR and I but it is not good and I am now in another awkward situation. I get that I am an easy target but that doesn’t make what she has said to me ok. She is now working at SALON and DAUGHTER and I saw her tonight and it was super weird. I wouldn’t think much of it but I caught looks from DAUGHTER and FEMALE NEIGHBOR which makes me think more people have heard her side of the story. I would like nothing more to move on with my life and not see any of these people ever again but that’s not possible. Anyways for what it’s worth, I’m sorry and if you have heard stuff and want to hear my side, I’m happy to tell you. Don’t always believe everything you hear.”

So I’m theory this would be a second other man. What’s funny is I remember feeling uncomfortable with their relationship too. And we kind of had a big fight about her reaching out to him to help with something instead of me.

Throw that one on top of another rumored affair right before she moved out. It’s almost funny if it wasn’t sad and didn’t impact my kids.

Anyhow, this is a funny twist. Thoughts? How do I respond to this one?

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I think you don't respond. If it's brought up again, you simply tell her it's none of your business. Because it truly isn't.

You know what you know and that's enough. Do you really want to hear her side? I think it would be very bad and not helpful in your healing journey.

My view from the cheap seats.

x


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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I think i agree with hope, as in i wouldnt push for her side of the story. But if she ever brought that up again and wanted to tell you then i would listen and validate.

Would it make any difference? What if she told you her side of the story? Will you life or how you feel change at all?

I would either leave it at that, or respond with something neutral like that must have been uncomfortable for you, i understand. Hopefully things will settle with time.

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ScottB Offline OP
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Let me add, this happened two years ago when we were still married. And we actually had a confrontation about it between the two of us. It also came up in counseling. She accused me of emotional manipulation related to it.

I never heard any rumors about it, but I was uncomfortable with how close her and this guy were getting.

Anyhow, hearing that in the “community” people were talking about it, feels like it validates my POV. Like having someone tell me, yet again, “you’re not crazy.”

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Originally Posted by ScottB
Let me add, this happened two years ago when we were still married. And we actually had a confrontation about it between the two of us. It also came up in counseling. She accused me of emotional manipulation related to it.

I never heard any rumors about it, but I was uncomfortable with how close her and this guy were getting.

Anyhow, hearing that in the “community” people were talking about it, feels like it validates my POV. Like having someone tell me, yet again, “you’re not crazy.”

Here's why I say don't listen. It doesn't matter. It's in the past, and by listening, she has a chance to justify or deny or any manner of things. It won't help that "you're not crazy" feeling. It could possible cause more self doubt, at the least, or worse, you might start to get angry at listening to her twist the truth.

At any rate, you were uncomfortable with the relationship. It hurt you. She didn't help you with your feelings. Rather, she turned it on you by accusing you of "emotional manipulation". Does that sound like fun? Do you want to go back?

Like GiGi said, do you need to hear her side of the story? At this point in your journey, time to focus on what will bring healing and growth. So do what will help you attain that.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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ScottB Offline OP
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I don’t plan to ask for her side, I don’t really care. It’s in the past and doesn’t matter. I’ll reply with something similar to what Gigi said and move on. I feel sorry for my kids though. [censored] that they have to see that kind of thing happen.

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Do not validate BS behavior! Do not respond!

Your STBX has now been at minimum 3 inappropriate relationships with other men while you we’re together plus cheated on her BF with you.

She’s a serial cheater and consider yourself lucky to be rid of her!

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