A topic that I keep coming back to when thinking about my own sitch and in so many others' sitches, is why the LBS holds on so tight to the WAS. I know LH has done a masterful job of describing this phenomenon in past with his description of the loss of feeling of control. And I think that is a big part of it. But I think there is another human dynamic that comes into play here as well. And that is the "I can make a person like me" mindset.
I have a family member that has self-esteem issues. When they feel like someone doesn't like them the get over the top with trying to make that person like them. They will hound the other person, trying to show the other person how "cool" they are. They try to be funny, as well as being an all around fun person to be around.
Of course this behavior has the opposite effect. The harder this person tries, the other person starts to loathe them more and more! The efforts come across as disingenuous, and the other person feels smothered whenever they have to be around this person. Sound familiar?
One thing I learned growing up around this family member was to not push myself on other people. If someone doesn't like me, then I just avoid that person. I don't want to be a burden to that other person, I don't want to push myself on them, and I certainly do not want them to feel smothered when we do cross paths. I have a very close friend (he and I hung out just last night), that many many years ago when we first started to interact through mutual friends, he didn't like me. I backed way off, never pursued this person as a friend, and eventually through our interactions a friendship did develop, and he is one of my best friends now.
This is why the advice for DBing is to back off of the WAS. Remove all pursuit and pressure. Go into "as if" mode, and just go out and live your own life. One of the things I have learned watching this family member over the decades is that you cannot make someone like you. What you can do is go about your own business, and eventually they may get interested and start coming back around to liking you. But smothering, and pursuing, and pressuring will just drive them further away.
As I've pointed out before in my own situation, my first two days after BD I defaulted to pursuit, pressure, badgering, questioning, pushing myself on her, etc. And all it did was push her further away. Due to our first situation 12 years before, on day 3 I remembered DBing and backed way off. I instituted the dropping all pressure and pursuit, and left her alone and started to just live my life. I am not saying that is what saved my MR, but it certainly didn't hurt it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
