I am very grateful to everyone who took the time to comment on my threads. I didn't/don't always agree with what is said, but I still appreciate that someone who doesn't even know me took time out of their schedule to read and respond. For me, the gist of it is that I don't know anyone here personally. Sure, I found a few on facebook, but even those folks, I have never sat down and had an actual face to face conversation or even a conversation over the phone or via text, so while they get a bigger glimpse into my personal life through social media, they are still not in my inner circle. I say all that say that because I don't know the posters here, I don't get too upset when someone comes across as harsh with me because I don't know if they are really being harsh or if that is just kind of how they are in general. Have I said things I shouldn't have? Probably, but NEVER with a mean intention. For better or worse, I stick to my little corner of the board and don't really go to newcomers or some other sections mainly because I just don't know that I have much to offer there. I'm past all that and moved on to a new marriage and I just don't know what I can say to help someone who is just starting their journey beyond "it gets better, I promise" which most really don't want or even particularly need to hear.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Sounds like the balance between the bluntness and 2x4's and the care and in-depth responses has shifted more to the former. I always admired the balancing act that this board provided and also felt like a sense of a community. I stepped back because I felt like I didn't have much energy to contribute and also the pandemic shifted my focus.
I really appreciated TxHubby's direct take on stuff and AnotherStander always evened it out - needed to hear both at the same time in a weird way.
Have gone through this before. Some people like my advice and some don't. Have I said some things I shouldn't have? Probably. But to say I don't take the time to know the posters is ignorant in my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their opinion especially on a community board. Onward and upward.
I've said this before, yes sometimes LH can be a d!ck, but I will never be critical of someone who donates so much of their time to help others, and he is one of the most consistent contributors. I personally have found his, along with many others, to be have been so very helpful. I think it would be a shame to lose him because, whilst some don't appreciate his directness, there are some who totally respond (and need) it.
I also have to challenge that he doesn't take the time to know those he posts to. He remembers a lot of the details about people he posts to, its evident in his posts, that's been my experience anyway.
This is not some LH cheerleading post, I don't want to see ANYONE leave these boards for any reason, diversity of opinion and styles should be embraced. We're all adults, can we not choose to filter out those whose opinions and styles aren't to our tastes?
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
I guess I’m one of the posters who don’t feel like all WAS are monsters. Aliens, yes! It makes sense fo walk away from a marriage after a sustained period of dysfunction. Some WAS have requested therapy or talked about their issues for years. I think for reconciliation or even just self-improvement for the next R, a bit of compassion and empathy go a long way, as does owning your mistakes (but not their mistakes). Recognizing the LBS and the WAS are neither angels nor demons. WWS, serial cheaters, and abusers are different animals. Them I’m okay calling monsters.
I do feel sad when posters give up on the forums because they feel attacked. I hope future posters feel “directness” and not “attacked”.
I can't count how many times Kml has smacked me with a well deserved 2x4 as does our dear Job, again usually spot on. Jack 3 Beans also had a deft gift with the 2x4, and I would sometimes cringe when I read his posts on others' threads, but he always had something thought provoking to say. Whether you agreed or not, at least he got you thinking.
People resent getting called out. Speaking for myself, sometimes I'd read a post from Kml and be angry for hours later but she was almost always 100% right. I am grateful for the time she and Job put in to help me when I really was at my lowest, and that they continue to put in today, to name just two of the many people around here who helped me. Irish, D, Sotto .. the list goes on for days.
We don't get to these boards because our lives are going swimmingly ... and if we don't want to take advice we don't have to. Neither is this a place to get a participation trophy. This is someplace to come to learn to change. It is a place of action. Change and action are not concepts readily embraced. Not a lot of people have the capacity or stamina for the kind of change required to either stand and get the chance to piece our marriages back together or move on from the marriage breakup to change into a different, better version of the person who first got here.
Just my $.02. As always, take it or leave it. No harm, no foul.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I feel like I can co-sign with everyone here on the topic of being direct and blunt. I've definitely benefitted from it.
Just been lurking around the Newcomers for a bit and it seems like it has really dwindled. There used to be pages and pages and now there's like only 2 pages. I wonder what's happened.
I loved this from CW's thread and didn't want to hijack it so I am going to post it here. The listing of qualities you're looking for in a potential partner. I'll add mine here.
Single / Confident / Active / Self-Aware / Accountable / Kind / Honest / Sexual
I feel like I can co-sign with everyone here on the topic of being direct and blunt. I've definitely benefitted from it.
Just been lurking around the Newcomers for a bit and it seems like it has really dwindled. There used to be pages and pages and now there's like only 2 pages. I wonder what's happened.
I remember finding this page via Google when googling about divorce. Maybe the search results prioritize other places or sources more now? At least there is a ton of self-help material related to relationships available.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
