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A Message from Michele
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Originally Posted by BL42
It was meant to read ExW told me that my mom said inappropriate things to her in front of the kids. ExW did not engage me in front of the kids, she waited until they went inside.
Yes, I (mis)read this as you suspected. (:

Originally Posted by BL42
Well if my mom did say things to ExW in front of my kids, that shouldn't happen going forward in the interest of the kids.
Definitely!

Originally Posted by BL42
. For awhile during IHS/affair she was extremely nasty to then D1, and hasn't acted in the best interest of the kids, but hopefully that's changing.
Nasty to a D1?! How sad. I'm glad to hear that may be turning around! And likewise, I find posting here often helps me work out what I'm struggling with emotionally.



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CWarrior,

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
For awhile during IHS/affair she was extremely nasty to then D1, and hasn't acted in the best interest of the kids, but hopefully that's changing.
Nasty to a D1?! How sad. I'm glad to hear that may be turning around! And likewise, I find posting here often helps me work out what I'm struggling with emotionally.
Yep. I don't know if it was a postpartum thing, issues ExW had w/her mom surfacing, guilt of the affair, or just bitterness/resentment about me also directed at our daughter...etc., but she treated our daughter much different at a young age than our older son.

ExW would snap at (then) D1, not go to and comfort her, tell me not to go to her when she was crying or having a meltdown (for the record I did not comply and told ExW straight out I would go pick up hug my daughter when she was crying, standing up to ExW despite be being scared at the time about the affair and marriage).

The good news is that from what I can tell it seems to have corrected. She appears more engaged and caring with now D3 than before - though I can't say what happens at her house - so hopefully for my daughter's sake whatever was going on to cause that behavior has stopped. I do wonder at times if there was some underlying issue (postpartum, whatever) which drove BD and the affair, but who knows.


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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I am no doctor and cannot offer diagnosis, but I've heard that a lot of women go through undiagnosed post-partum depression. I know my exW did and neither of us recognized it until much later. She also had/has high levels of anxiety and paranoia at times, which made it worse.

All of these things add to layers of resentment which then explodes at BD, so PPD could've been part of that as well.

Glad to hear she's better with your D now.


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A few items of note...

S6 School Open House - S6 didn't want to go to his open house, asked mommy in the morning and teacher at school if he had to, and asked me if he could stay home with D3 & my parents. However, the purpose of the event was for kids to show their classroom/teacher/projects to their parents. He was happy and playing until dinner time when he got quiet and wouldn't eat - told me he was "just tired", but my mom and I got a strong sense he was uncomfortable about the open house, maybe because ExW & I would be there together? Anyway, I told him he had to go. I was a bit uncomfortable myself but put on a good face and believe it went smoothly.

D3 Vacation Crying - D3 told my mom when she would cry on vacation mommy would let her watch a particular funny video which would make her laugh. When my mom asked why she cried on vacation D3 responded "I missed my daddy". D3 went on to tell my mom "I like when it's me and S6 and mommy. I like when it's me and S6 and daddy. I don't like when it's me and S6 and mommy and OM2". I don't like the kids are upset and missing me, though in a way it's nice to hear it; I'm only privy to the "I miss mommy. I love mommy" side of things when they're with me. Also want to keep my eyes & ears open about "don't like time with OM2" comment. This was completely unprompted and want to make sure nothing bad is going on around my young daughter, to whatever extent I'm able.

ExW Family/OM2 Drama - I'm not seeking this out, but ExW's stepmom keeps reaching out to my mom as her and Ex-FIL are afraid Ex-MIL & ExW's stepdad are going to manipulate and shut them out with the grand kids (as they felt happened years ago with the kids). ExMIL recently moved from a good distance away back into the area, and is now having Ex-BIL and his wife (who is pregnant with #3 and who ExMIL hates) move here as well. ExMIL had ExW's grandma sell her house, but has now told her she can't move in with her (as was the plan) so she's angry with ExMIL and not sure where's she's going go. Maybe they want her in a old folks' home? Apparently ExW wasn't able to secure a loan from the bank for the new bigger house out of the school district across the street from OM2's sister without ExMIL's help due to the significant amount of debt ($75k?) she's taken on in the past year (even though I'm giving her monthly checks for the equivalent of her current mortgage and car payment!). Also...heard my first indication that some of the shine is coming off ExW's R w/OM2. Supposedly he didn't really want to go on their family vacation, felt trapped with the kids and ExInLaws and was going back and forth on committing giving ExW headaches about it, and ExW has made comments such as "I don't know what I'm gonna do about OM2."

Anyway, after hearing all that the "not my monkey, not my circus" saying immediately came to mind and I couldn't help but smile a bit...there are some "pros" of the D! :-)

Last edited by BL42; 09/26/21 04:13 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Hey BL, how do you feel when you hear that the shine might be coming off? Detached?


Me: 39 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Hey BL, how do you feel when you hear that the shine might be coming off? Detached?
I hear you OB, but would be lying if I said it didn't put a smile on my face.


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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No judgement from me, I’m sure I would feel the same. But you know what I’m getting at. I say this knowing that I need to keep working on the same thing as well.

Keep going mate, your progress is great. Also, your contribution to others on here is awesome, much respect.


Me: 39 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Oh BL, can i just say that you are obviously doing an amazing job with the kids. When mine are at home with me s7 doesnt really ask about H, doesnt cry, every now and again s6 will say he misses H and how it was before he left. And i can totally sympathise with kids not liking the OM.
Same here with not liking ow and wanting her gone from S7, he literally says that he is waiting for her to go and live with her parents, back where she came from basically.

No judgement here either, i also think that healthy detachment doesnt mean treating the ex as a stranger. I will always have some interest in his life all the while the kids go to his home.

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I hear you OB, but would be lying if I said it didn't put a smile on my face.

oh for sure. The fantasy has started to disintegrate and maybe reality is setting in. It definitely brought a smile to my face too. Just know that it doesn't mean she's going to want to come back. So, you keep on doing your thing and let her stew in what she's done. Your business is still the same - keep being an amazing dad and focusing on what you want to do with you life and getting after it.


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BL, I just want to pop in with something on the little one not being a fan of OM. I liked a total of 2 of my mom's bfs. I'm actually still social media friends with one of her exes. But he was probably the best of them all. He still came to see me after they broke up. He wanted to marry my mom but she said she wasn't ready and he didn't want to back track in the relationship. So it ended where it ended, but he never stopped being kind to either of us. And he didn't just leave me behind when they split.

The others, however, some were openly resentful and cold to me. Some just gave me a really bad feeling. Honestly I think kids are a lot more intuitive than adults or they're just better at listening to their gut. My feelings on those guys were never wrong.

That being said my daughter haaatttteed my now husband and my exH's 1st gf after the split. She genuinely did not like me splitting my attention. She had grown accustom to being my whole world. And even though she grew to love my exH's now ex-gf (she was the best of all of them) she didn't appreciate her dad's behavior. He is the kind of guy who gets swept up in a relationship. Not that he was ever particularly active in our daughter's life but he completely dropped off the face of the Earth for the first few months they were seeing each other. She felt like he was always choosing someone or something over her and she (the gf at the time) was no exception.

Another example my high school bf was also part of a blended family, like I was, but in their house they were forced to call the step parent by either mom or dad. That in and of itself bred a ton of resentment for all the kids. The grossest thing about that is that their non-custodial parents (who admittedly were shi!tshows) were still in their lives to the best of their abilities. On top of that they were married when the kids were like 8, 10, 12, and 14. IMO a little too old to play Brady bunch. Also a little to far this side of the 1970s. It literally became a household of kids vs the parents because of the dynamic they created. My house was a nightmare, but that was one horror I was never forced into.

The point here is kids can dislike the dynamic for a plethora of reasons. Maybe your ex behaves differently when OM is around. Maybe D3 just isn't a fan. Maybe D3 isn't getting the attention she wants. Maybe when OM is around they do what OM wants to do and when he isn't your ex let's the kids do what they want to do. I'd keep and eye out for obvious signs, but make sure you keep in mind 3 year olds don't prescribe to logic yet. They still live in the realm of magical thought. And at that age developmentally speaking they are all essentially tiny sociopaths that lack empathy. Not to defend OM but he could be a perfectly acceptable bonus parent and D3 could just like things they way she likes things, in the same manner she probably has a favorite cup.

Lastly, remember that digging into what's going on in the other household opens your household up for the same kind of scrutiny when the time comes. Which I'm sure right now that doesn't mean much. Probably you're thinking, fine, I got nothing to hide. But it gets complicated as they age and if you meet someone you want to stick around. If they don't learn the boundaries of what happens at mom's stays at moms unless you were scared or hurt, and what happens at dad's stays at dad's unless you were scared or hurt early it becomes a whole thing. Trust me I lived/live it with H's ex. D17 still doesn't get the boundaries sometimes. It's exhausting and frustrating when dealing with an ex who is always looking for way to hurt, manipulate or get more money.

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