Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,750
Likes: 16
C
Member
Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,750
Likes: 16
Originally Posted by BL42
If she does not not you have access or are reading her texts she might see it as a betrayal of her trust if you explicitly bring it up the texts with her.
I assumed he’s been up-front that he may monitor texts such that this is “monitoring” and not “snooping”. I agree, if he’s reading messages between D and Mom where D expected privacy, that would probably be interpreted as a betrayal, and would be good to resolve before it bites him.



Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,801
Likes: 14
G
Member
Online
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,801
Likes: 14
It’s painful to hear those comments. Kids together or apart play off their parents.

My ex boyfriend would give into anything his son wanted. We all went on vacation as a family, his son refused to eat dinner before we hit the boardwalk. We get there and of course he’s hungry and he wants pizza. So everyone had to wait while ate. His kid got what he wanted because he wanted to be the favorite parent. I don’t play that.


Next time, maybe a “when I am done, I’ll heat up your waffles and you can have them”

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 317
Likes: 1
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 317
Likes: 1
Its not pleasant to read or hear that, it is in many ways normal. Even when both parents are together kids play them off against each other. Its generally a good cop/bad cop scenario depending on the situation. I know it wont bring you comfort, but my 6 year old said to me the other day, i dont care about you, papa is the only important person to me. I mean did it sting….yes….and in that moment he probably felt it. He later apologised and said its not true. But nonetheless when they are upset they will say things and in that moment they do feel those emotions. Naturally you want to rectify the situation and as tempting as it is, its also important to have discipline at home and enforce it with the kids.

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,653
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,653
Originally Posted by ScottB
I don’t know how much background to give in this one, but I’ll try.

This morning the kids and I made brunch as a family. My daughter ate some bacon but didn’t eat her waffle and got up to go play. My son and I finished eating and talked for a bit. I got up to clean up and since they had helped cook I decided to clean up on my own. As I’m almost finished my daughter comes I to the kitchen and says she is hungry. I expressed frustration in saying that she didn’t eat her breakfast and I was still cleaning eat up from that meal. She complained saying we did t have apples or beef sticks and there was nothing to eat. She left for a bit.

So later I saw on her phone that she had texted my ex that she wants to live with her and not me any longer. I know this is somewhat typical behavior, I know she’s coping with the divorce and she’s 10. But it still hurts. Especially because I’m trying real hard with her. Anyhow, not a lot of places I can share that so I thought I’d put it here.

That's normal kid behavior.

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit".

There are literally millions of kids on the Earth TODAY who don't get to eat today or maybe they scrounge up a little bit of stuff your daughter wouldn't like.

Choice >>>>> Consequence. She chose to be hungry.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 435
S
ScottB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 435
I agree with all the above.

One of my challenges has always been that my ex gives in on anything the kids want. That's why she also thinks they take advantage of her. But, from a kids perspective - more specifically my daughters, she likes her mom because she always gets what she wants. Historically, when we were together, it always forced me to be the "bad guy."

Now I've taken a step towards center; giving in more and letting things go, because if I play "bad cop" I'll just lose the kids.

Daughter has always been closer to her mom and I think this is just her expressing her sadness with the situation. Over the past 4 weeks I've noticed transitions to my house have been getting harder for her.

I also, unwittingly, peaked her anxiety at breakfast when I asked her if she would like to work on not being scared of dogs anymore. She has a phobia that is really becoming severe and beginning to impact her life. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she was invited to stay the night for a slumber party and told the girl that invited her that she didn't want to go, but later relayed to me she didn't want to go because of their dog and that she has become embarrassed to tell people that.

Anyhow, with this reaction and everything else going on I guess its obviously not time to work on the dog thing. I freaking hate the impact this is having on my kids. That makes me really angry and sad for them.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,750
Likes: 16
C
Member
Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,750
Likes: 16
Originally Posted by ScottB
I also, unwittingly, peaked her anxiety at breakfast when I asked her if she would like to work on not being scared of dogs anymore. I guess its obviously not time to work on the dog thing
It sounds like an area to tread lightly if simply asking if she'd like to work on it triggers a strong emotional reaction rather than a "No." I don't know that I'd give up, but remember you have years and years to try to slowly and gradually address this before she's an adult. The more urgent (if less pleasant) issue demanding attention is her waning desire to visit you vs. visiting mom.


Originally Posted by ScottB
Now I've taken a step towards center; giving in more and letting things go, because if I play "bad cop" I'll just lose the kids.
Yes, don't play "bad cop" or any other negative role. If you tend to be a disciplinarian, really dig into what rules you're enforcing and why. This may end up being an advantage of single parenting. You can't get away with playing unidimensional roles, but have to be a whole parent.

A couple of stories. I have a friend whose XH allows her kids unlimited screen time. She believes screen time should be limited. Since he gets so much there, she decided to play "bad cop". She disallowed any use of phones, computers, or TVs in her home. This became a key factor when her kids turned 16 in their leaving her to live full-time with her XH. (I personally limit screen time when they're here exactly the same as I would if they were here 100%--no "penalty" for time with my XW.)

On the other hand, my XW decided to feed my kids only ice cream as a way to curry their favor. I continued with my normal path of proteins, vegetables--and weekly desserts. No, I did not lose my kids, and they saw through "all ice cream" as quickly as any Disney Dad. On good days my D realized I was the one there when she had school projects or needed to figure out tampons and even told me I didn't give into peer pressure. If you're a firm but loving dad, they will see it over time.



Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,219
Likes: 6
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,219
Likes: 6
"Parenting with Love and Logic" was the foundation of my parenting style after my D. Definitely different than my X wife's parenting style. Different parenting styles is OK, but the more you can be on the same page the better. Can you and your X talk civilly about parenting issues?

Originally Posted by ScottB
I saw on her phone that she had texted my ex that she wants to live with her and not me any longer. I know this is somewhat typical behavior, I know she’s coping with the divorce and she’s 10. But it still hurts. Especially because I’m trying real hard with her. Anyhow, not a lot of places I can share that so I thought I’d put it here.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Now I've taken a step towards center; giving in more and letting things go, because if I play "bad cop" I'll just lose the kids.
I can relate.

The parents job is to set boundaries. The kids job is to test boundaries. The parents job is to enforce boundaries. This makes the kids feel safe.

I did my best to discuss our emotions AFTER we had a chance to "Cool down". I made our house a safe place to vent emotions. You might want to breach the subject with D. "You appeared frustrated about breakfast the other day. Is that how you felt?"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
I like the advice from CW and R2C. I would also suggest you do not overthink things. I think you had a pretty good handle on parenting before the D, right? So why change things drastically after D?

I also do not see a problem with you offering to get your daughter help. I probably would have worded it differently than you did. "Working on it" in her mind may have meant to her you thought you guys should go after breakfast and have her pet a dog. So be clear:

"I understand you feel embarrassed because of your fear of dogs. If you would like, at some point when you are ready, we can look into resources that might help you with that fear. We can look over options like counseling, etc, and if you are comfortable with any of the options we can look into it."

Let her be in charge of the if, when, what, where and how. That why you are supportive, but she gets to decide.

Scott, you are a good guy doing what you feel is best for your kids. I have documented my strained relationship with my daughter here before. Our relationship is really good now. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to always do right by my daughter, and now that she is in her late teens she is starting to see that. So do not judge your relationship with her in a specific point in time. Let her see you constantly keeping her best interest in mind, and eventually she will come around.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,219
Likes: 6
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,219
Likes: 6
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I wasn't perfect, but I tried to always do right by my daughter, and now that she is in her late teens she is starting to see that. So do not judge your relationship with her in a specific point in time. Let her see you constantly keeping her best interest in mind, and eventually she will come around.
Same here.


Always do your best. Keep learning new parenting skills. Hone your communications skills with your kids. It is not an easy, job, but the most important one you have.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I wasn't perfect, but I tried to always do right by my daughter, and now that she is in her late teens she is starting to see that. So do not judge your relationship with her in a specific point in time. Let her see you constantly keeping her best interest in mind, and eventually she will come around.
Same here.


Always do your best. Keep learning new parenting skills. Hone your communications skills with your kids. It is not an easy, job, but the most important one you have.

Bingo!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Page 5 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard