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Originally Posted by ScottB
Then you would the follow up text several hours later:

"BTW, SON's grades are sh!t and he is giving me total attitude about it. I know we disagree on how we parent about school but I really would like him to care more about his grades. Cs and Ds for him are unacceptable to me."

I responded:

"I agree. He needs to do better than that. It's disappointing. It will be interesting to talk with him to hear what going on with school."

Not sure how I'll get graded on my response but a couple of things:

Last week I saw the two of them interact and he pays he no mind. She would ask him a question and he wouldn't answer. I have thought all along he knows something about the affair, but now hearing that people are talking about another possibility, it seems all but certain. I don't know how to help him through what I perceive as his anger. It doesn't come out around me.

Second, I feel like that text gives insight into her dealings with him and her dealings in general.

And lastly, I'm really worried about my kids. On the service they seem fine but I feel like things are happening underneath. I'm worried about my son and what I perccieve as his disdain for his mother which seems to transfer to others at times (specifically he has a real issue with feeling "disrespected" by teachers and it seems to be women more specifically). I'm worried about my daughters moral compass as her mom talks about sleeping on some guys boat and normalizes that behavior.

And then LH just made me realize that my STBEx would have been having sex with me and her ex back in college. That never went through my mind before but at this age, that seems kind of gross. It also points to the fact that she sees that as acceptable. I don't know, something new I had never thought about before (and not entirely relevant).
Your response seems a bit canned, IMO.

Your son may need to talk about something, yes, but that is no excuse for piss poor effort in school. I don't care what the situation is, the right thing is the right thing. Kids will look for excuses and people are giving too many excuse, generally speaking, and not enough direction.

Teach him how to deal with adversity. The hard path is the correct path, do not avoid it, seek it out and overcome it.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Teach him how to deal with adversity. The hard path is the correct path, do not avoid it, seek it out and overcome it.

Straight from the Stoic playbook Ovr, I like it. I hope you can find the time to post more often.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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So, your ex told you that your son’s grades were bad. Did you know this before she came and told you?

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Ginger, I was not aware of his grades before her text. But I did talk with him about them and he seems to be making an effort.

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I don’t know how much background to give in this one, but I’ll try.

This morning the kids and I made brunch as a family. My daughter ate some bacon but didn’t eat her waffle and got up to go play. My son and I finished eating and talked for a bit. I got up to clean up and since they had helped cook I decided to clean up on my own. As I’m almost finished my daughter comes I to the kitchen and says she is hungry. I expressed frustration in saying that she didn’t eat her breakfast and I was still cleaning eat up from that meal. She complained saying we did t have apples or beef sticks and there was nothing to eat. She left for a bit.

So later I saw on her phone that she had texted my ex that she wants to live with her and not me any longer. I know this is somewhat typical behavior, I know she’s coping with the divorce and she’s 10. But it still hurts. Especially because I’m trying real hard with her. Anyhow, not a lot of places I can share that so I thought I’d put it here.

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Just keep showing up as the best Dad you can be Scotty, that's all you can control. Make sure you are listening to her and validating where appropriate. Consistency is key.

Can understand how hurtful that must have been to see regardless.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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ScottB,

Sorry man, that's rough. I can imagine that stung. Just keep reminding yourself she's young and processing through everything. If you keep being the best dad you can be she'll likely recognize that in time.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Hi Scott,

I think most of us have confronted some variation of this scenario.

Choosing to not eat breakfast, then being hungry an hour later is called a "natural consequence". Kids learn from consequences. A 10 year-old can survive being hungry for 1-2 hours. It sounded like a rough day, so I'll share how this might have played out differently at my home--

1) You responded to her feeling hungry with frustration. Remember validation and active listening? I deploy it not only on ex's, but also friends, family, and on a good day myself. Aren't they even more deserving? As you practice this skill, it will come more easily, and it will sound more natural.

2) It sounds like you didn't have food she could get herself when she was hungry. I have fresh fruit on hand most of the time but it doesn't always happen. When it doesn't, my pantry has fruit cups in natural juices. When that doesn't happen (fail, lol), I'd put her leftovers in the fridge (even if they rarely eat them).

You: "Oh, your waffles are still here if you want them."
D: "I don't like cold waffles."
You:"Yeah, they do taste better when they're warm."
D: "I don't want them."
You: "I respect you're not hungry enough to eat cold waffles." (If you have time) "You know, if you'd like, I'd be happy to teach you how to heat up those waffles."
D: <frustrated> "I just want apples."
You: "I get you want apples more than waffles. Waffles are what we have now. I'm going shopping today. You can help me pick out fruits so we have some on-hand that you like?"



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Wow--the comment about wanting to live full-time with mom would be a punch to the gut, for me as well. Does she know you read your texts? I wonder if, after you expressed your frustration at her, it was simply a safe way for her (unequal in power dynamics) to respond by expressing her frustration at you.

At 10, the decision isn't something she controls. You have years to improve your relationship before she's at any point where she could make a choice, and hopefully, you and your XW continue to get along such that neither of you undermines each other on this journey of learning to be good single parents.



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Wow--the comment about wanting to live full-time with mom would be a punch to the gut, for me as well.
Yeah, that's tough to hear but keep in mind her age - she might just be venting frustration and not really mean it. Unfortunately a D makes it easier for the kids to play the parents off each other; it's harder for the parents to keep a united front on parenting.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Does she know you read your texts?
I'd be careful with this. If she does not not you have access or are reading her texts she might see it as a betrayal of her trust if you explicitly bring it up the texts with her.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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