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Sorry D2 had a rough night. It just makes it worse. My kids are all young adults today, their father continues to hurt them with his actions, but they can verbalize it and have boundaries if they choose.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Be the rock she needs. x


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

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Sorry, BL42, you handled that wonderfully--validating her feelings and telling her you love her.



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BL, I am so sorry about the bath time emotions. I know how awful it feels to hear your kiddos say things like that.

It has taken me awhile, but one thing I have learned to do is not hijack my children's emotions and conflate them with my own. I am not talking about to them (you validated D beautifully), but within us.

For a long time, I would witness my children's suffering and it would highlight and fuel my own sadness, or rage or frustration with my H. Even if I hid those emotions when I was with my child, I would allow their emotions to kick off a flood of similar emotions I held inside, that I would release when I was alone.

Only very recently I have been able to see their emotions as separate from mine. That they can have those emotions and I can support them through those emotions and not muddy my own emotions with theirs.

I am a better support to them as a result. It's subtle shift, but a powerful one to work towards.

((BL))

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Hello BL

You are doing well listening and providing a safe and healthy space for your children to emote their feelings.

Sage has highlighted an excellent lesson. Our ability to control ourselves, to be strong and stable, so very much helps us and our children.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Great week overall. School started so seeing the kids before/after school again this year, coached S6's sporting event, took D3 to gymnastics, held a fabulous birthday party for now D3 with family in town, which she LOVED. I love those kids to pieces. Also, got through the first few weeks of my first grad school class but it's supposed to ramp up over the next month so we'll see how things balance out.

However, there was a negative encounter today and I'm all riled up this evening. ExW asked me to talk at transition, and said my mom had said some things to her at D6's sporting event about not coming around and how ExW left the kids...in front of D3. My mom's been a saint in taking the high road in this entire situation, so I'll have to have to hear her side of it, but it gets me all worked up and my blood boiling to even have to deal with this. I bit my tongue w/ExW, and just listened and did my best to validate. I said something to the effect of 1) I can understand why that might be upsetting, and 2) I'll have a discussion with my mom and give it some thought. ExW said "Thanks for listening". I'll be honest...I wanted to say some hurtful things about AP about her parenting...etc. I managed to keep it inside and not let it show, and am now all amped up in private. Sometimes I don't know why I bite my tongue though...I can't imagine ever taking her back and seems like it would be a good release at times. She deserves it.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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BL, I have seen you on these boards (and I'm guessing in real life too), that you're listening and validation skills are very good. Mine are coming nicely as well, but my IC has told me more than once, my STBXW will be the most difficult, triggering person to not be defensive with and to validate and listen to. If I do it with her then I can do it with anyone. It sounds like you have just achieved this, congrats, well done, it can't have been easy. Do you really want to regress back to the old BL and give her a piece of your mind? Would it do anything more than to her than give her the satisfaction that no, BL hasn't changed? Do you really want to be that person? It's easy to be that person, its hard to be the emotionally controlled and self-disciplined person.

You are doing amazingly mate, keep it up. You sound like you're killing it with the kids and are a great father, be proud of that. I have been doing really well since I came to my last realisation and forgave myself and took some of the blame off myself. I've started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I like what I see.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Originally Posted by BL42
Great week overall. School started so seeing the kids before/after school again this year, coached S6's sporting event, took D3 to gymnastics, held a fabulous birthday party for now D3 with family in town, which she LOVED. I love those kids to pieces. Also, got through the first few weeks of my first grad school class but it's supposed to ramp up over the next month so we'll see how things balance out.

However, there was a negative encounter today and I'm all riled up this evening. ExW asked me to talk at transition, and said my mom had said some things to her at D6's sporting event about not coming around and how ExW left the kids...in front of D3. My mom's been a saint in taking the high road in this entire situation, so I'll have to have to hear her side of it, but it gets me all worked up and my blood boiling to even have to deal with this. I bit my tongue w/ExW, and just listened and did my best to validate. I said something to the effect of 1) I can understand why that might be upsetting, and 2) I'll have a discussion with my mom and give it some thought. ExW said "Thanks for listening". I'll be honest...I wanted to say some hurtful things about AP about her parenting...etc. I managed to keep it inside and not let it show, and am now all amped up in private. Sometimes I don't know why I bite my tongue though...I can't imagine ever taking her back and seems like it would be a good release at times. She deserves it.

Taking the high road with her isn't in case she ever wants to R. You saying that will send LH into convulsions! LOL No, you listen and validate to diffuse the situation. Of course you wanted to go off on her. She cheated, left you for OM, now subjects your kids to OM. She is one of your least favorite people in the world. Plus, you don't want to be in the middle of this stuff. Your mom and her conversation is between the two of them. You are no longer her H and therefore have no responsibility to defend her to your mom. You did great listening and validating. If you do mention this to your mom I would do is in a completely non-confrontational manner. Info gathering. More than likely your EX was trumping it up to be worse than it was, and it was her own guilt and disgust with herself she was projecting from your mom.

But no, do not keep the peace for the chance at future R. Keep the peace for your kids' sake. To make coparenting easier. She likely will get comments and complaints from others in the future. It is no longer your job to help her cope with the barbs from others.


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OnlyBent,
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Do you really want to regress back to the old BL and give her a piece of your mind? Would it do anything more than to her than give her the satisfaction that no, BL hasn't changed? Do you really want to be that person? It's easy to be that person, its hard to be the emotionally controlled and self-disciplined person.
Well it'd certainly feel good to blow off some steam in the moment, and she deserves some comeuppance, but probably wouldn't be helpful in the end.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
You are doing amazingly mate, keep it up. You sound like you're killing it with the kids and are a great father, be proud of that.
Thanks! I've always taking pride in being a fantastic father, and have given even more focus to it since BD.


SteveLW,
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Taking the high road with her isn't in case she ever wants to R. You saying that will send LH into convulsions! LOL
Haven't heard from LH in a bit! Didn't mean to say I'm trying to do that to R - can't see myself ever R'ing at this point - only saying that since I don't want to R what's the point of holding back?

Originally Posted by SteveLW
No, you listen and validate to diffuse the situation.
I did. I was good and have for the most part taken the high road through all this...but certainly didn't want to at the time!

Originally Posted by SteveLW
Of course you wanted to go off on her. She cheated, left you for OM, now subjects your kids to OM. She is one of your least favorite people in the world. Plus, you don't want to be in the middle of this stuff.
^YEP!!!

Originally Posted by SteveLW
Your mom and her conversation is between the two of them. You are no longer her H and therefore have no responsibility to defend her to your mom. You did great listening and validating. If you do mention this to your mom I would do is in a completely non-confrontational manner. Info gathering. More than likely your EX was trumping it up to be worse than it was, and it was her own guilt and disgust with herself she was projecting from your mom.
ExW could definitley be trumping up. I trust my mom much more than her. My mom is on team BL42 whereas ExW has done everything she can to get off my team over the last year and a half. I will discuss it with my mom though because don't want things said in front of the kids for the kids' sake. Just wish I didn't have to deal with all this stuff.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
But no, do not keep the peace for the chance at future R. Keep the peace for your kids' sake. To make coparenting easier. She likely will get comments and complaints from others in the future. It is no longer your job to help her cope with the barbs from others.
Point taken. You're absolutely right in keeping the peace for the kids' sake. It's just tough because part of me would like to go off or handle situations differently, but always having to take the high road and focus on what's best for the kids, which is of course right, but can be less satisfying from a personal / I was betrayed perspective.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
ExW asked me to talk at transition, and said my mom had said some things to her at D6's sporting event about not coming around and how ExW left the kids...in front of D3.
That sounds uncomfortable. Maybe say "No" to discussions at transition next time? I often have sensitive discussions with my XW 20 feet away from my kids or over the phone.

Originally Posted by BL42
but it gets me all worked up and my blood boiling to even have to deal with this.
You are not Man & Wife, but you are still Dad & Mom.

Originally Posted by BL42
I bit my tongue w/ExW, and just listened and did my best to validate. I said something to the effect of 1) I can understand why that might be upsetting, and 2) I'll have a discussion with my mom and give it some thought.
It's great you listened and validated. I'm curious why you feel the need to talk to your mom about how she interacts with your XW? Your XW's relationship with others is hers to figure out, right? Maybe you're actually concerned for your mom--that if your mom continues to be unkind towards XW, XW may not allow mom at future games or school events during her time?

Originally Posted by BL42
ExW said "Thanks for listening". I'll be honest...I wanted to say some hurtful things about AP about her parenting...etc. I managed to keep it inside and not let it show, and am now all amped up in private. Sometimes I don't know why I bite my tongue though...I can't imagine ever taking her back and seems like it would be a good release at times. She deserves it.
I suspect you want a good co-parenting relationship for the sake of your kids. If it's about venting, write hurtful letters and burn them, channel your hurtful energy into a punching bag or a jog. A good relationship with your ex will allow you to name parenting issues and have her consider them. Which, of course, doesn't guarantee she'll resolve them in your preferred way or at all.



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CWarrior,
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
ExW asked me to talk at transition, and said my mom had said some things to her at D6's sporting event about not coming around and how ExW left the kids...in front of D3.
That sounds uncomfortable. Maybe say "No" to discussions at transition next time? I often have sensitive discussions with my XW 20 feet away from my kids or over the phone.
Maybe this was confusing. It was meant to read ExW told me that my mom said inappropriate things to her in front of the kids. ExW did not engage me in front of the kids, she waited until they went inside. I did ask ExW if she could email me because I had to run, but she said it was important so I listened.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
but it gets me all worked up and my blood boiling to even have to deal with this.
You are not Man & Wife, but you are still Dad & Mom.
Very true. I'd never give up my kids, but this whole BD/D situation would be a whole lot less complicated without the parenting.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
I bit my tongue w/ExW, and just listened and did my best to validate. I said something to the effect of 1) I can understand why that might be upsetting, and 2) I'll have a discussion with my mom and give it some thought.
It's great you listened and validated. I'm curious why you feel the need to talk to your mom about how she interacts with your XW? Your XW's relationship with others is hers to figure out, right? Maybe you're actually concerned for your mom--that if your mom continues to be unkind towards XW, XW may not allow mom at future games or school events during her time?
Well if my mom did say things to ExW in front of my kids, that shouldn't happen going forward in the interest of the kids. Wanted to get my mom's side of the story. Definitely trust my mom completely and way more than ExW at this point. Don't want to get in-between them generally or really have them in contact at all, but if there's anything questionable going on in terms of the kids that needs to be addressed.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I suspect you want a good co-parenting relationship for the sake of your kids. If it's about venting, write hurtful letters and burn them, channel your hurtful energy into a punching bag or a jog. A good relationship with your ex will allow you to name parenting issues and have her consider them. Which, of course, doesn't guarantee she'll resolve them in your preferred way or at all.
Good suggestions. Part of it is maybe posting/venting here. Unfortunately it's been hard to count on ExW related to any parenting-related topics at this point, but hopefully she's coming around on the parenting front lately. For awhile during IHS/affair she was extremely nasty to then D1, and hasn't acted in the best interest of the kids, but hopefully that's changing.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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