Steve_ Moving on

[Traveler]

I wanted to talk to her today like an adult about potentially just taking the kids 3 days a week. (its what I do now anyhow) but I would pick them up friday after school and return them sunday night. (yeah not gonna happen now, she has gone ballistic). I asked her if she would be willing to go to coparenting classes and sit down with the kids or the family and even the L and work this out,

Hi Steve, you made a request and she said "No". "No" is a clear answer. I'm not sure what there is to work out? You could ask an impartial judge--99% odds they also say "No" because most don't think it's reasonable for her to do the work of schooldays while you enjoy the weekends. The standard plan for dads who want to see their kids but not parent is "every other weekend". If you want her to agree to special terms just for you, you're going to have to sweeten the pot in some way.

He has over heard her and I arguing

Stop arguing. Arguing takes two.

I am admit that I need to stop engaging with her

Yep. Arguing doesn't accomplish a whole lot. You can't manipulate or control her.

My kids got involved in the back and forth and I know that is not good.

Yep. No means no. If she's unreasonable then engage a judge.

I asked her if she would be willing to go to coparenting classes and sit down with the kids or the family and even the L and work this out, things are getting out of hand.

Sounds like wasted effort? You can avoid all these arguments by hanging up. This isn't a co-parenting negotiation, it's custody negotiation. Engage your lawyer for a range of ideas on what custody plans a court would very favorably upon, then propose them. As you drop from 50/50 parenting time, expect your support payments to increase, and expect her to make most/all parenting decisions.

[Traveler]

Steve_, it saddens me to see you walk down this path.

[Ginger1]

Friday night to Sunday night is 48 hours. 48 of a 168 hour week. That’s it. 2 days. And on days where there is minimal real life responsibility .

You seriously think a court is ever going to give you full custody with that schedule ?!? Ha! She might actually win a plead for full custody if you move and go that route .

You engage . You argue to get what you want . You both are guilty of parental alienation . Like CW said. She said no. And she has no good reason to give you the schedule you request . You should have taken her answer and left it alone .

Get your act together and prioritize you children if you want to give those kids hope of not getting totally f’ed up from this mess.

And yeah, you’ll probably lose your GF. But she shouldn’t even be in the picture until you can step up your game as a parent and take the focus off your ex and learn how to engage. Or rather, not engage

[MLCxH]

Steve_,

How is it reasonable for you to expect xW to take care of the kids on schooldays and give you sole custody on all weekends? Are you surprised that she said no?

You keep stating you will no longer do things to make her life easy. I feel that on the contrary you are angry because she is not accommodating what will make your life easy. Who do you think a neutral observer is likely to think is being reasonable? The person moving away from the kids for a new relationship? The person who does not want to put in the effort to take care of the responsibilities that come with weekday custody?

Complaining about xW is not productive and a waste of energy. If you are unable to come to a mutual agreement with her, talk to your lawyer and work on getting a formal legal agreement. Don't be surprised if the legal agreement is not your liking, since it appears your expectations are not realistic.

This is not a competition between you and xW on who is doing more for the kids. As a parent, it is your duty to do what is best for the kids. If xW is lacking in something, it behooves you to try harder and make up for that to the best of your ability. If you both play the game of 'why should I do more when the other is not doing as much', it is your kids that will ultimately suffer. Your kids are blameless and are in this situation for no fault of theirs. Protect them and put their interests first, even if xW won't. You never know - perhaps seeing you do the right thing will motivate her to do more. Even if it doesn't your kids still benefit from your efforts.

[Traveler]

I asked to her calm down, once again ask if her and I can talk to the children, work this out and not do all this. She said I will tell them you have PTSD and abused me and you were an alcoholic. Etc etc... she has really gone for the gold here. Fortunately this is all via text message. I called the L's office, she was not there. I asked her not to contact me unless it is productive and to please calm down and work with me for the sake of the children. She continues to threaten to use alleged events from years prior to gain custody, file restraining orders, and threaten my time with the kids.

While a tangent, I urge you to banish "calm down" from your list of replies to women. Although not the big issue, I suspect I'm not the only one cringing when they read that. It tends to be dismissive, belittling (instead of validating) her emotional reaction and ignoring the substance of her speech.

[BL42]

Steve_,

Maybe I'm confused, but something isn't adding up...

She will have no choice but to go to her support system where I am moving (45) minutes from me or she will have to stay and move kids in with her and OM.

They'll have to be in the car for 1.5 plus additional hours per day? I'm super confused.

You're 45 minutes away (and with LA traffic, 45 minutes is like the time it will take to get from one neighborhood to the other) -- I'm guessing that during some times of the day you might be literally hours from your kids-- how are you going to pick them up and make sure they're okay?

Her and I agreed on moving to LA. That puts us 4 hours closer to both sets of grandparents, this her and I agreed on.

How can LA be 45 mins from you and also 4 hrs closer to both sets of grandparents? Exactly how far away is LA from where you, your kids, and your ExW currently live?

Simple question...how far is it (in miles and travel time) from where you are planning to move as compared to where you, XW, and kids currently live?

It's unclear to me how you moving 45 mins away can put you 4 hours closer to the grandparents, which makes me wonder if it's an even farther move than the general understanding on this thread.

[Steve_]

Well to make things more clear. I have them weekends now, I get them Saturday late night through Tuesday evening. This was because she wanted the weekends with no kids, her being a bartender the weekends are her $. So I was having hopes that pulling back to Friday -Sunday would give me an opportunity to still have time with my kids weekly and not disrupt the school or other patterns of their life. I have 50/50 custody but she has always had more time with them. That’s been for this whole year.

I admit 100% I got off on the wrong foot with her, a lot has happened in this year of D process but never has she threatened to take my kids away and use nonsense to do so. That was always off limits. The arguing about that began just a couple days ago. Typically things were getting better. I finally spoke to her today. She stormed down to the lawyers office and demanded xyz. The attorney pretty much told her that she made her bed and she has to lay in it. Since I pay all my support and more, and I am active with my kids and want to continue to be she couldn’t really Just take them away. So she settled down.

Finally the issue surfaced. She is upset that she wants to move forward with OM and the kids are not on board here. When she left the M and moved the kids in 2 weeks later there was a lot of issues. My sons behavior got unpleasant toward her. And now that she wants to try to recon with OM and make everything honky dory she wants me to help essentially facilitate her R with om by asking my kids to be nice and not be angry with her and pretty much accept her choice. I have not said 1 word to OM for over a year. I haven’t asked my kids to rebel against thier R. But now she seems to be serious again and wants to settle with OM once again. So the threats came from her essentially saying “help me wrangle the kids to support my R or I will make your life hard”

I told her well that sort of comes with the territory of what her and OM did. But I will talk to the kids and I will try to help her get the children in a nuestros
State. I asked her to do the co parenting classes and to work on stability for the kids. Her on again off again R with OM is creating a lot of strife. She agreed and apologized. I talked to her about finances. I said if I work my 3 shifts (12’s) tues weds thurs and get he kids after school fri and brine them back Monday if that would work. She agreed and said she would work with that. I don’t hold much hope without in writing, but it seems things settled down. I want to try to work with what I can, but she is real stubborn on having the weekends off so she can work those days. I feel like as long as I stay calm, say less and refuse to argue things will be ok.

[Steve_]

My big mistake here is riding the emotional rollercoaster. I thought I was doing good, but I’m still on it. I gave up recon and saving my M but I give her too much power. I react to all this stuff I shouldn’t. That I see I still need to work on. Sorry for the typos above my phone is being uncooperative today.

[Steve_]

And BL42

Where we all planned to move she would be max 45 mins and both sets if grandparents would be 4 hours not 7.5 but that isn’t happening now that she wants to recon with OM and stay here. This is what created this whole issue. Otherwise we been fine for months and on the same page about leaving. Now it’s her planting feet with OM and fighting anyone who says anything. Obviously now I have to pull back and re evaluate the sitch. I may not be able to go anywhere for a long time. Which [censored] but what can I do?

[may22]

Hi Steve,

So you're not moving any more?