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may22 #2923485 09/14/21 02:28 AM
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Steve_,

Maybe I'm confused, but something isn't adding up...

Originally Posted by Steve_
She will have no choice but to go to her support system where I am moving (45) minutes from me or she will have to stay and move kids in with her and OM.

Originally Posted by may22
They'll have to be in the car for 1.5 plus additional hours per day? I'm super confused.

You're 45 minutes away (and with LA traffic, 45 minutes is like the time it will take to get from one neighborhood to the other) -- I'm guessing that during some times of the day you might be literally hours from your kids-- how are you going to pick them up and make sure they're okay?

Originally Posted by Steve_
Her and I agreed on moving to LA. That puts us 4 hours closer to both sets of grandparents, this her and I agreed on.

How can LA be 45 mins from you and also 4 hrs closer to both sets of grandparents? Exactly how far away is LA from where you, your kids, and your ExW currently live?

Btw...I assume that agreement to move to LA was casual and not a formal legally binding document? If I were you, I would be very wary of moving outside a reasonable area from your kids (whether it's 45 mins or 4 hrs) without first finalizing some sort of attorney-reviewed and court-signed custody agreement, regardless of your prior verbal agreement with her to move there. That might have a significant impact on the court's decision in a custody hearing.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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[s][/s]These poor innocent children. 5 and 7 and being alienated from both sides.

And you think the only way you can stop her from controlling uou is to move? Ha! You need to chose to stop letting that happen no matter where you are.

You are going to end up shooting your self in the foot you are making a really risky move and could likely lose your kids and not get custody. You are moving away from them. You are the one who is choosing your GF. You will put more stress on them by moving because they will have much longer travel distances while trying to be in school.

You aren’t thinking about these kids. Neither of you are actually and it’s horrible to read

Last edited by Ginger1; 09/14/21 02:51 AM.
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I echo all of the above.

Its great to see the progress you have made in terms of breaking away from the EW..Thats a real positive..

On the negative side, you are still acting on impulse IMO...

If your wife is as bad as you say, you should be going for full custody now. As for the move, i question why ? to a rational person you are upping your children on a random discussion with the WW. Can i ask if your GF would be closer to where you plan to move to.. Is this a factor in the move..

I'll re-iterate again what ive always said - Be the rock for your kids...


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Yeah, regardless the plan was to move. The EW had been taking trips there and looking for a place, was working on a job. I terminated my lease here it’s up next month. I had already planned to stay with a friend for a couple months to save the $ for the move and probably move around the beginning of 2022. This was all worked out with EW moving in March. That’s until OM was back in the picture now it’s “I’m staying and if you leave there is consequences”

I guess I was living in a false reality thinking all she wanted was a D. Now it’s her mission to ensure I am prevented from moving on and having a life. Now she threatens to go to court and “take alimony retirement and full custody” if I move. We agreed to a set amount of support in a marriage settlement agreement that we filed when she was hot on leaving for OM, now that the case has been filed and Steve isn’t gonna be Plan B she wants me to suffer. This person is such a sick and twisted manipulator, it sometimes defeats me and I feel like I am the one who pays for her choices. Sometimes it makes it hard to have hope things will improve for me when she acts this way. But still I refuse to give in or give up for her satisfaction, I did that for 11 years.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Steve_, if your youngest is 5, then for the next 13 years all of your decisions should be based on one ideal: What is best for the kids.

This may mean personal sacrifice. At times it may mean eating crap sandwiches from the ex. But at the heart of everything should be "What is best for my kids!" Period. This was another reason I was not supportive of dating right now. Your kids have been through a lot. And while kids are resilient, they also have needs for their development. I'd encourage you to find a good family counselor and take them to see this counselor.

Not sure about the move, why you are doing it. My guess is to be closer to the GF. If so then I echo Mr.B above, that is an impulse move. You just gave us a great update on your new church, the kids love it, etc. And now are planning on moving almost an hour a way? Have you really thought that through?

I don't expect to change your mind, this board from your side has always been more of an update, get angry at pushback, disappear for days or weeks at a time, then come back with another update. Rinse, repeat. I know you well enough now to know that once your mind is made up there is no stopping you.

If the move is about the GF, just a question: Have been going to IC to work on your PTSD? If not, I see you in the same situation with her in 3-7 years. Do the hard work on yourself now, before it is too late again.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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You legit think the courts are going to rule in your favor when you move with no good reason, into a friends house with your kids and no home of your own and away from where they go to school and have their friends? Is there a lawyer who specializes in custody that has actually advised you this is a good idea?

You can move on with your life without ruining it for the kids. Every decision you make should be in the best interest of the kids. Not you. I have been bound to the state of NJ until my daughter is 18. Is it the best thing for me? Nope. It’s too expensive here and I would have loved to move . But I can’t, my ex works for the state. So, I do what I have to do for my kids.

I can just about guarantee you go through with your “plan” you will lose your kids completely

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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Steve_, if your youngest is 5, then for the next 13 years all of your decisions should be based on one ideal: What is best for the kids.
^Ding, ding, ding!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
You can move on with your life without ruining it for the kids. Every decision you make should be in the best interest of the kids. Not you.
^Ding, ding, ding!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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All of this is said with love and care, Steve_. None of us want your update in 6 months to be that you've become a "dad" on the weekends only and pay "too much" support.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I guess I was living in a false reality thinking all she wanted was a D. Now it’s her mission to ensure I am prevented from moving on and having a life.
Yes, when you mind-read, you're living in a false reality. I doubt she sees that as her mission in life, but her motives, desires, feelings, etc. are neither your concern nor mine.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Now she threatens to go to court and “take alimony retirement and full custody” if I move.
Sensible, right? "Is it good for the kids if their dad moves 45min away and now they have to drive 1.5hrs to school?" We are all saying no. It's hard to imagine a judge saying yes.

Originally Posted by Steve_
We agreed to a set amount of support in a marriage settlement agreement
Steve_, child support is never "finally" agreed upon. It may be adjusted any time circumstances change such as your custody%, income, residence, etc. The point is to ensure the kids are provided for. Alimony can be finally agreed upon--if her notarized signature agreed to something it is set so don't worry. If the terms were not set in that way then of course you are still negotiating and it's not settled.

Originally Posted by Steve_
that we filed when she was hot on leaving for OM, now that the case has been filed and Steve isn’t gonna be Plan B she wants me to suffer.
Let go of the mind reading. (:

Originally Posted by Steve_
This person is such a sick and twisted manipulator, it sometimes defeats me and I feel like I am the one who pays for her choices.
It's okay to have feelings about her.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Sometimes it makes it hard to have hope things will improve for me when she acts this way.
Things will improve as you detach from her.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I feel like I am the one who pays for her choices.
In this scenario, you would be paying for your choice to move away from your kids' home. Yes, big changes (like relocations) typically need written approval from your co-parents or there can be consequences. You're free of her as a wife, not as a co-parent. That responsibility goes both ways. It sounds like you began negotiations about moving but never settled it in writing.

Originally Posted by Steve_
But still I refuse to give in or give up for her satisfaction, I did that for 11 years.
Let go of what decisions mean for your XW. Focus on what they mean for your kids.



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Let go of what decisions mean for your XW. Focus on what they mean for your kids.
^Yes! I know it's difficult because your emotions raging regarding your XW are amped up right now (trust me...I get it), but really try to step back and focus on what's best the kids.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
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I wanted to talk to her today like an adult about potentially just taking the kids 3 days a week. (its what I do now anyhow) but I would pick them up friday after school and return them sunday night. This means I would not be interfering with the kids school and I will have them fri night-sun night Every week. (yeah not gonna happen now, she has gone ballistic).

Right now I have them saturday late at night until tuesday evening. Well, my kids went back to her today and my son is having some ill will toward her. He is unhappy about the fighting, he has heard they way she talks (we been in the car when i've answered phone calls) and he is aware she has moved back in with OM. He has over heard her and I arguing about her taking the custody away from me and me responding to her threats. I do this outside with my patio door shut but he has overheard and last week when she was physically there he heard her yelling at me in the parking lot.

I am admit that I need to stop engaging with her, I have to just let it slide and not let the threats get my goat, but these things regarding custody have really bothered me. My kids got involved in the back and forth and I know that is not good. I asked her if she would be willing to go to coparenting classes and sit down with the kids or the family and even the L and work this out, things are getting out of hand.

She decided to tell me she is at the L's office and is demanding that I pay her $800 that I havent paid the last 2 months since we agreed to cut the support back a little. (I dont legally have to pay anything until the order is completed and Ive paid over $13,000 just to be supportive). So that is not really cool, the next thing is her saying I am filing a restraining order on you because you threatened me and my kids and I will message your *&%(^ girlfriend and tell her to stay the F away from my kids enjoy your life good bye.

I asked to her calm down, once again ask if her and I can talk to the children, work this out and not do all this. She said I will tell them you have PTSD and abused me and you were an alcoholic. Etc etc... she has really gone for the gold here. Fortunately this is all via text message. I called the L's office, she was not there. I asked her not to contact me unless it is productive and to please calm down and work with me for the sake of the children. She continues to threaten to use alleged events from years prior to gain custody, file restraining orders, and threaten my time with the kids.

I know I need to keep the kids out of our arguing, I should have done a better job. She has become enraged at how my son is acting toward her because of the threats she is making. He is scared she is going to take my custody away. I told him that is not going to happen.

Something needs to give before this mess becomes a permanent effect on the kids more so than it has. I feel like I want to really push for this coparenting class and get the L to mediate the custody issue. My deciding to move has not occured yet, and wont occur for like 7 months, yet she is making these threats now. Telling the children and her family I am abandoning them and etc.. the petty fighting and threats are really the issue. I gotta stop this before it gets worse. Later she sends me a picture of the attorney's office door telling me to "call her bluff" I was hoping this would not come to this but clearly it has. I see myself in court a lot in the future, and my R with the girlfriend dissapearing as well because of this.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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