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Well, we have CMM's CT scan results back. They show his right middle lobe is collapsed, some new small tumors, and slight growth in the previous tumors. His longstanding pleural effusion is not worse but he now has a small one on the other side as well. So the oncologist's assumption that there was tumor progression is correct. However, since being on the prednisone, his oxygen levels have been much better. This will likely be a temporary improvement, though.

He is beginning to ask the difficult questions about what the end will be like (he's not there yet though), how to manage dying at home etc.

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i'm so sorry xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I don't know if it's harder when you know it's coming or easier. Hugs to you both.

One thing I will mention, and I know it's important to you is to try to capture some sort of history, some sort of legacy for his daughters. There are more important things if it's not a place he wants to go. They've walked away from each other and it's doubtful that anything would really change.

But - there is still living to be done {{CMM/KML}}


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Yes, I plan on making videos, asking him questions about his childhood, family etc. I think he would comply with that since it's not directly aimed at his daughters (but info I think they might like to have). I'll approach him after about maybe speaking more directly to them.

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KML, you are such an amazing human. Your wit and wisdom, foresight and compassion is truly a marvel. I am sure your patients, your children and CMM all appreciate it so much, but in case no one has told you recently, you truly are an incredible, deserving human.

A few days ago, my boy and his friend were throwing rocks at tiny crabs on the beach. An elderly woman approached them and (rightly) admonished them for doing so and made some comment about how would they feel if they were tiny crabs fleeing for their lives from 11-year-old boys causing death and destruction. Which brought up the conversation about karma between the boys (once they stopped their death-capaid). Later, son recounts the story and says to me, 'gee mom, I wonder how many of those crabs were 11-year-old boys in their past life? Sigh... I will probably come back as one of those crabs.' We are not a religious family, but the karma question is a relevant one and how we can always try to do good in the world (leaving some wiggle room for undeveloped, 11-year-old brains whose impulse is to throw rocks at fleeing crabs).

Some of us were born as crabs, and others were put here to do good no matter how hard. I see you as the latter, KML. You are so good.

((KML)))

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Ok spoiler alert - if you have not watched The Sister on Hulu and think you might, don’t read my next post (it’s a murder mystery/psychological thriller about a guy who marries the sister of a murder victim)

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Ok - so - the plot goes like this:

Guy is present/ accidentally involved in the accidental death/murder? of a young woman. He and the other guy who is present/responsible? bury her body in the woods.

He then meets and marries the sister of the dead girl. They have a good life together until the murderer shows up and threatens to spill the beans and pin it on the protagonist, who discovers it wasn’t an accident after all.

Eventually, he secretly kills the murderer and goes on to have a nice life and a baby with his wife - but he’s got this huge secret he can never tell a soul, and it’s going to be a shadow on everything he does going forward.

Anyway - it made me think about the early years of my marriage. My ex, remember, slept with an old flame the night before our wedding, and she aborted the resulting pregnancy while we were on our honeymoon. I knew soon enough about the cheating, but didn’t learn about the pregnancy and abortion until I was 9 months pregnant with our second child ( 6 years later). So for all those early years of our marriage, he was carrying around this huge secret (and he was raised Catholic, so it was a big deal). When I first got pregnant, he must have thought of it. When our first child was born, did he wonder about it? When I had miscarriages between my first and second, did he think it was a punishment? It just made me think by about the weight of carrying secrets, and the corrosive effect that might have had on my marriage.

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Originally Posted by kml
It just made me think by about the weight of carrying secrets, and the corrosive effect that might have had on my marriage.
secrets multiply in the dark, but are reduced to ash in the light of day. I'm thinking of all the things left unsaid over years that build up until they turn into monsters that tear at the heart soul and flesh of a relationship.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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kml Offline OP
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Yesterday I cleaned the bedroom of my youngest son (who moved to Los Angeles a few months ago) and finally found his passport that he’d been missing and I hadn’t found. Amazing what a thorough cleaning will turn up! And the good news is, this ongoing search resulted in me figuring out that my own passport was expired, so I sent it off for renewal last week.

I also finished a ton of paper shredding that needed to be done, dusted and vacuumed in the bedroom which is now less cluttered with that job done, and mopped the bathroom floor. Nice walk and chat this morning with my old DB friend who lives nearby now. Grocery shopping done. It’s been a productive weekend.

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Sounds like a fabulous weekend! I love a good clear out.

Oh the secrets!! S28, DIL and I were talking about that. I'm tagging this one:

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by kml
It just made me think by about the weight of carrying secrets, and the corrosive effect that might have had on my marriage.
secrets multiply in the dark, but are reduced to ash in the light of day. I'm thinking of all the things left unsaid over years that build up until they turn into monsters that tear at the heart soul and flesh of a relationship.

KML - I didn't have those early on (that I know of) but I could tell you almost to the day that my XH started becoming angry. It was the deceit. I didn't know it then of course, but looking back, the weight of it all was too much. Corrosive. Perfect word.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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