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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1246456#Post1246456

Originally Posted by saffie
Rather than me type a bad description of it here type cognitive behavioral Therapy into google. it is a well known and growing area that helps you recognize your behavior. Once you can recognize it you then can try to change it if you need to. that is a very crude description. I have found it very very good. It was hard in the beginning but it is getting easier now and has really helped me - not just with my M - but also with stopping my self destructive behavior. I can now analyze my thoughts and instead of letting them rule me and me ruminating on things incessantly to no purpose I will deal with things in a positive way and if I can't deal with something i recognize that and move on until I can deal with it.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1248778#Post1248778


Originally Posted by rob1231
you have GOT to back off. Your posts are all about your W - either focused on what she does, or focused on how you react to what she does.

Look at it this way. Assume that your W is not married to you. Let go, for the time being, of all of those claims you believe you have on her time and affection. Instead, think of it as if you are two friends who MIGHT have a more meaningful R develop.

First, how do you act towards her? Do you demand to know who she sees and what she does? Do you argue and second-guess? Or do you take it slow and easy, building on your friendship with care and thoughtfulness?

Second, what about you? Are you an interesting, confident, happy, appealing individual? Are you someone that a woman would hang around and say "Now THIS is a guy I want to be in a relationship with?" Do you have a "Life" apart from your M, that helps you bring new and exciting experiences into your relationships with everyone you meet? Do you exude Positive Mental Attitude to people around you?

Build a foundation for a future relationship, and stop undermining what's left of the existing one with your pursuing behaviors.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1251780#Post1251780

Originally Posted by sandi2
I sure hope that your W is getting her act together. I must tell you that it sure did not come overnight for me. It was a very hard decision to make b/c I did not have any yearning for my H at all. It was more of what I knew I had to do morally right and hope that the "feelings" toward my H would follow. We are back to where we were before OM, etc. started up in my life, but we need to be better than that.

I do think your W showing the pictures may have been a positive sign. Don't read too much into it and set yourself up for disappointment. Some days I would think I could make a go of my M and I would resolve to try harder, but then in a matter of hours all of that would fall through and I would be right back where I was. I don't say that trying to discourage you, only to keep you realistic. Hopefully, if she is thinking that she will do away with the OM and forget the D and stay in the M....then she is making positive baby steps. On the other hand, she may just have been in a friendlier mood that day. You know, if she has fully made up her mind to D you, then she may think that there is nothing that is going to stop her and that she is showing you she can be "friends" and still get D. So.....stay "real" friend.....I know it hurts like hell, but don't get your hopes up there too high. That is one of the things I've noticed about all LBS....they cling to every word and every little action, hoping it is a "sign" that everything is going to be okay. a lot of times, it doesn't mean anything, sweetie, so just hang in there. Give God time to work on her, believe me....He can---if she will listen to Him and do what she needs to do to fix her heart right with Him. I bet every time she goes to church, it just eats her insides up. It did me.

So, don't give up. Keep talking to us.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2936541#Post2936541

Originally Posted by LH19
In terms of her feeling differently -- when you first met she didn't instantly want to marry you, then you got married and she didn't want to leave you, then at some point she did want to leave you. She was stubborn the whole time, made three decisions there and changed her feelings about the first two. That should prove to you that her feelings do change, and despite how she feels now, or what she says now, she may feel and do completely different things in the future. You have hard evidence of that.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2936590#Post2936590

Originally Posted by Gekko
A few thoughts:

Nesting - I considered it at first but realized pretty quick it is not the way the go. I think part of it is just delaying the inevitable to an extent. Don't agree to it. She can move out if she wants space. Don't move out. Stay in the MB come hell or high water during the IHS. And hell may come knocking. Don't leave man.

MC - stop going. It's not going to help right now. Tell W you don't think it will help right now if she wants to know why you decline. Leave it at that. No R talks. STFU.

IC - keep going. I would not be talking to your W about what is discussed in IC or that you are even going to IC. It's for you, not her. STFU.


Your W has been in an EA/PA for a year or longer. You don't think you caught it on Day 1 right? First evidence November '21 means it started much earlier in all likelihood. Still going strong you say?

About getting caught up in the "I'm not going to be the one to end the MR/file D/etc." syndrome. Look I get this is a DB site. Maybe some feel better years later, being able to say "hey I wasn't the one to end it..." "I was the one who tried..." I get it. I didn't file. There was no EA/PA as far as I knew and I was digging. I had a WAW. It took her about 5 months to file after BD. She said several times "we need to file" and I said I wasn't filing anything, go ahead and file if you want. I moved at my pace during the whole process. I've got my thoughts re filing in an EA/PA sitch but they wouldn't exactly be in line with DBing per se.

Strength is mental toughness and emotional control. Establishing and enforcing boundaries. Having a plan and executing. Being decisive. Not accepting less than what you believe you deserve or want. Self-evaluating and improving where necessary. Answering the call to adventure. It is defined by your actions in every instance in life you encounter.

Read Sandi's Rules. It's a long list I know. Look, what can really help you achieve or comply with them, at least significantly, is to focus on one thing - GAL. As Steve would say, you are "BUSY BUSY BUSY". If you are in full-on GAL mode, you will not have much time with or exposure to W to torpedo yourself with self-inflicted Rule violations. But remember GAL is for YOU. So are 180's. These changes are not to win W back and if you have that mindset she is likely to sniff it out quick. If you have the mindset of "showing off" your 180's or GAL to the W, she'll probably know it's just tactics. You truly have to do these things for YOU and NGAF whether she even notices. You can't be looking to her for approval of what the New Doug is doing. There is much hand-wringing about "but if we're not living together how will she ever see my 180's!!??" You have to get to the place where you don't care. You're working on you, not her.

I see you've got some stuff about a joint checking acct., boob job, who gets the house, etc. You have got to get with a L and get a game plan together. How do you define yourself? Would you say you are pretty intelligent? Smart guys get with a L and game plan based on the law and the details of their sitch. Get two steps ahead of W , don't be lagging my friend.

Hang in there buddy.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2937431#Post2937431

Originally Posted by PeterB
I told her that if she is interested in R, she will also have to work on herself too.
Originally Posted by LH19
The three biggest things she's dealing with right now are fear and uncertainty about the future, guilt for what she's doing to you and your son, and anger and resentment over your role in pushing her to this point.

Everything you do right now is going to make her either more resentful, or less resentful.

If you increase her guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, she's going to resent you more.

If you give her space, it’s going to make her less resentful.

If you live your own life, and are happy and joyful for your own sake, it’s going to make her less resentful.

If you are respectful in your communications with her, but not intimate, it’s going to make her less resentful.

*Eventually* she will burn through that big pile of resentment.

*Eventually* she will process her anger at you and it will dissipate.

UNTIL she goes through both of those processes, she will not see you as anything other than she believes you to be based on her prior training.

WHILE she is processing her anger and resentment, YOU work on your changes. You do it slowly and methodically *for you*.

If you're a 2 today, you don't focus on being a 10, you focus on being a 3. Then you focus on being a 4. You be kind to yourself.

While her anger and resentment are burning down, your changes are building up.

When eventually she's had enough time and space that she can SEE YOU again, she'll be surprised by what she sees, and she'll question for the first time the assumptions she has held about you.

THAT is the beginning of your opportunity to turn things around, but you CANNOT control how long it will take her to process her anger and resentment, and you CANNOT accelerate it.

Buckle your seatbelt, it’s a marathon and you have to be patient and surrender to the fact that this relationship is NOT something you can control right now.

That's an uncomfortable feeling, but the sooner you own that fact, the better you'll do.

Originally Posted by PeterB
She went off the rails - "what have I done?", "it's all you", "you have treated me poorly", "i have done nothing wrong", "you are not owning up to your problems" etc.
Originally Posted by LH19
This is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to play the long game.

Even if you do everything 100% perfectly starting today, this is still a months/years-long turnaround.

When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.

As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.

If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.

Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"

Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.

Over time, you have *trained each other* what to expect from the other. She knows how you will react to any given situation, what you will say, how you will act, and she has decided that's not compatible with what she wants.

If you decide you don't want that either, and decide to make a change for yourself, initially she'll think you're just doing it as a gambit to get her back and as soon as she lets her guard down, you'll revert to who you "really are" in terms of who you've trained her that you are.

In order to turn this around she needs to *fully believe* that you've changed, and that you're not doing it just to get her back.

How do you convince her of that?

(1) Repetition, lots and lots of repetition in terms of reacting differently, acting differently, than you have historically.

(2) Acting differently when no one is looking

(3) Finding a life for your new self that doesn't require her. That's the only way you make it credible that your changes are for you. She won't even see them until she believes that you don't need her.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2937609#Post2937609


Originally Posted by LH19
Peter what you are doing is normal. You married your W for a reason. You started a family for a reason. It is normal not to want to lose what you had. I am guessing at one point your W was a good partner? My guess is you are hoping that someday she could be that partner again? This can happen again but unfortunately it takes way longer than people want and can handle. Right now your W is not happy and is 100% convinced that you are standing in the way of her happiness. She has to figure it out for herself whether that is true or not. The best way to help that along is to give her as much time and space as you possibly can. You can never give too much space in these situations.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2937759#Post2937759

Originally Posted by Rockon
W was over here once ( I looked good, was dressed sharp and had quiet confident masculine energy going) recently. I noticed her subconsciously look me up and down not say a word but she moaned and I did not comment.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Make no mistake...

You doing that is going to stir up some anger in her...

She's gonna wonder why it had to come to this for you to be different....

Create a little mystery (not in a Scooby-Doo kinda way either).

Don't be so available when you know she is going to be around.

If you are like that and she shows up, suddenly have an appointment that you have to attend.

Let her wonder what you are doing....

Let her question her choices and decisions about you.

Her anger is going to be with herself more than it is with you.

Yet, you will feel the wrath at times.

All that anger HAS to come out at some point before things can change...

Anger is good though. Just make sure that you use your anger as a shield instead of a sword....




The trick is.....

That you are doing that because it's who you want to be. NOT because you want to solely affect her.

A WAS can smell fake like a drug dog can sniff out a Cheech and Chong movie set...

Understand ?

Changes are for YOU and you alone....

And they have to be consistent. IF you change for her, then there is no consistency in them...

This isn't a game, yet it will play like one....



You can't lead when you are constantly looking over your shoulder to see who is following....


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2937782#Post2937782

Originally Posted by BL42
Nice job looking good, dressing well, and being confident. Curious why she's over again? It seems to be frequent? Next time maybe switch it up a bit and when she texts to stop by respond "Not today, I'm out with a friend."


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2938015#Post2938015

Originally Posted by LH19
This is very hard. Maybe the hardest thing you will ever do. Best thing to do is to process these emotions. When you are alone cry, beat your pillow, scream etc. whatever it takes.

The hardest thing is understand you have zero control of the outcome and can feel your family slipping away. The second hardest thing is understanding that everything you should be doing is counterintuitive than what feels right to you. You can not nice your W back. You absolutely should not be her emotional support system.

You are doing great with Gal but it’s very obvious you are looking for clues that she is softening. Your best chance for reconciliation is to go as far as you can in the opposite direction. The longer that takes the more time it gives her to solidify her position with other male.

You want her to be unsure where she stands with you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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