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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1139840#Post1139840

Originally Posted by Sandi2
I am bearing my soul here because I know that I can't accomplish anything if I am not honest with myself.


Originally Posted by Sandi2
My prayers are for all the ones on here that are hurting. It is for everyone...regardless of which side of the fence we may be on, we all are hurting. The LBS may not believe that by our actions, (the WAS), but we are....our guilt, our self-inflicted punishment, our confusion, not to mention God's discipline, facing the results of our actions....it is painful even if we don't talk about it to our families...believe me...we hurt too. I don't say that for any reason other than to just let you know we have not "gotten off easily"....ok? I think I am realizing what is meant by not believing what you see and hear. No matter what is played out or said in front of you....we WAS are hurting. And, sooner or later....we are very, very sorry for what we have done. My prayer is that all the WAS or "nearly" WAS, as I was, will be sorry sooner rather than....too late. Why do I say I hope we will be sorry sooner? Because, then we can start to heal. That is what I want to do. I want to start to heal. I believe in God and I know He can do anything as long as we allow ourselves to be right with Him. If we are in His perfect Will....then He will help us and heal us back to His plan for our lives.

Well....didn't mean to preach a sermon here on Sunday morning. Thanks to all of you...my new and precious friends...keep on keeping on. This board was the best thing that has happen to me since my "fall". I have learned so much.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1158448#Post1158448


Originally Posted by Kelley
I really know what you are talking about how hard it is for a woman to have sex when they don't feel it. This is where me and my H's M started breaking down. He wasn't giving me his quality time among other things so I just found it really hard to have sex with him and enjoy it. This is part of our woman feelings.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1166115


Originally Posted by sandi2
I think if I had been satisfied and happy with myself and my MR, I would not have gone "looking" and "flirting" with danger (OM). Although I never had a PA, I did have an EA and had the embarrasing cybersex. (That is not easy to admit.) You see, I became someone I did not even recognize! How could I expect my own family to know what the heck was going on with me?

My poor H did all the "wrong" things at first. It was so unlike him to act the way he did. He would snoop, and spy. He would follow me around the house, watch every move I made.....everything that drove me crazy! He had always given me plenty of privacy and space....but I betrayed his trust!

I was ready to walk out the door...with or without the finances because I could not stand him one more minute! I told him to back away and now! Leave me alone and give me plenty of space! He did and quickly. That is what saved our marriage. Although, he used "tough love", and by that I mean that he told me what he would not tolerate under his roof. But you know, if you really want to do something....you will find a way and a time. So, it was still up to me to make that decision....he could not MAKE me do it! You cannot control another person. Every time he tried to control me....I would rebel that much more.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1167165#Post1167165

Originally Posted by SDFoundGirl
Are you in IC? If not, go, if only to figure out the low desire thing. I've had the same problem...and for me at least, it's the courting and the intense feelings of the new and different and hopeful that I like. My H is like vanilla...I like vanilla, but sometimes something less predictable and safe is what I want. And also, for me at least, a huge part of my problems with wanting to be intimate with my H was because the R was bad...I didn't feel heard, didn't get any kind of positive touch except in pursuit of sex, felt like he made me the scapegoat for everything. Voicing my feelings and taking control of my own life and responsibility for speaking up has helped in the sex department a lot. It's not perfect...but there's progress.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1168248#Post1168248

Originally Posted by SDFoundGirl
Sweetie....forgive yourself.

Humans are the only "animal" (for lack of a better word) that punishes themselves over and over and over again for the same wrongdoing. Every time you think of it and feel bad, you're punishing yourself again.

God's already forgiven you...He did it before you even sinned. God understands what we sometimes don't: we are imperfect, human, and we WILL screw up.

You are living in the past, and that makes no sense because there's nothing you can do to change your past. Right here, right now is the only thing you have control over. Stop punishing yourself...let go. And don't even feel bad because of the temptation--you created a habit, and habits are hard to break.

Write a love letter to yourself. Write down all the good and wonderful things about you, then read it over and over again. Create a daily affirmation replacing your old thinking (I'm a bad, horrid, unworthy person b/c of OM) with new thinking (something like, I am strong, valuable, worthy and wonderful. I forgive myself like God forgives me.)

But...sweetie...you've got to stop beating yourself up. You can't move forward until you let go of the past and start being more gentle with yourself.

Now...this is just *me*...but I kind of think you might be a fantastic example to your D and GS *because* you had this experience...and you're going to show them how to overcome it and accept God's grace and compassion. You're teaching them that screwing up is not the end of the world, it's not a death sentence, it's just one of those things we do. To me, that's real Christianity. All of those people you see who project a "Godly" image...well, they've got their own ghosts too.

And remember...when Jesus was on earth, WHO was he hanging out with? WHO did he demonstrate ultimate compassion for? People like Mary Magdalene, drug addicts, the sick, the homeless...not the big wigs in the church, not the ones who thought they'd already "arrived".

So, write that letter to yourself, and FORGIVE.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1177800#Post1177800

Originally Posted by runningoutoftime
I really appreciate you being here. I think it's enlightening to learn things from the WAS perspective. I have a lot of respect for the WAS who decides they truly want to work on themselves and their marriage... especially in your case where it's a long-term marriage to a decent guy.

I have to agree with the other posts about looking great (and sexy!) even if your husband isn't giving compliments and expressing passion. Sometimes just feeling like you look sexy may help you feel sexier... kind of like the think it, and it becomes it. Spend some time throughout the day imaging great sex with your husband then plan to go out to dinner with him that evening, have a little wine or a martini, wear a dress, maybe even thigh-high hose and garters... and no underwear! Then, when you are at the restaurant whisper to him that you aren't wearing any underwear. then talk about sex, ask him to describe, in detail, what he likes. Then share with him details of what you like.

This is your husband, and you ARE a good person... it's okay to be a sexually "wild" with your husband. It will bring you closer.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1181409#Post1181409

Originally Posted by sandi2
At first, I would cry when I went to bed b/c I needed to be held and loved....but I'm not doing that so much now. I know that some of you wonder why I can't just go into my H and tell him how I feel and ask him to hold me and to make love to me.....but right now, it would be like trying to do that with my brother...and I cannot force myself to do it. We've not had sex in so many years and it feels more like we are just relatives sharing the same house. I am afraid that I may never have that desire to return. It was exciting to realize I could feel normal sexual desire toward another man....but I knew it was wrong and I had to end it. Until then, I even wondered if I was just not normal. Then, I questioned my love for my H. But, I remember how I felt when I married him and I know that I did love him once. But, I think that my emotional needs were denied so many years and resentments pushed down for so long that maybe it killed a lot of those feelings.

I'm sorry, b/c I know that makes some LBS upset to hear statements like that from WAS. I have heard some angry replies to some statements from LBS to WAS.....so that is why I appreciate you all being so nice to me.

I realized when I replied to a couple of young men regarding their stitch.....how upset or resentful I still was and that I needed to be more careful in how I tried to give "advice". Compassion is something we all need here....regardless of which side of the fence we have come.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1187247#Post1187247

Originally Posted by Dom R
here's the thing: have you read DB?
I think this is the time to focus on one thing in there, which is to start on things "with a beginner's mind".
Don't try to hash out all the things that you did or did not do in the past. Try to look at your situation, NOW, as a brand new situation.

No history.

The first step in being happily intimate in a sexual way, is to be happily intimate, in a non-sexual way. And the simplest thing is for you to hold each other.

Instead of making excuses to not even try... How about you just decide to try it, and see what happens?
Forget about the past. Focus on the present, and future.
Ask your husband to hold you. Don't even go into long, detailed "this may lead to sex" rationales. Just say that you feel the need for
[comfort, being held, whatever honest reason you like].

Just ask him. And keep doing it for a while.
Every night for a week, perhaps?

If he says yes, and you allow yourself to be comfortable with that.. keep doing it! smile
If it doesn't then we can all help you think of other things.

but lets start with the easy, straightforward things first, yes? !!

I think that part of the issue you are dealing with in yourself, is "performance anxiety". You are so hung up on, "I HAVE to do this..." that are you too stressed to enjoy it, or get excited about it. Lots of people psych themselves out of enjoying sex this way. So forget about any "big goals" for now. And just enjoy being held.

I can tell from what you write about him, that your husband will be more than willing to hold you, if you tell him that is what you need from him.

And if you'd like to do something back for him.. the biggest, best thing you can do in return....
is to simply smile at him while he holds you.

I think that's what your husband would most like from you right now.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1187872#Post1187872

Originally Posted by AmyC
You have to wake yourself up soon and stop using all your passion to lament the things you think you do not have.

There is no way your husband is going to understand the extent of your emotions (or lack thereof) if you don't walk yourself into the other room and tell him. Tell him you love him and you want your marriage to succeed but for it to do so he has to pull his head outta the idiot-box (that's what my Papa calls the TV)and HELP YOU. My old friend crazedmom had the exact same problem before she left this board. Her husband was like a bump on a log! Woman, you HAVE PASSION. It is splattered throughout every single one of your posts.

I want you to make a plan.
I don't care if it's to go feed pigeons or to go skinny-dipping in Mr. Johnson's pond, just MAKE ONE. Don't ASK your husband if he wants to go. Tell him "Honey, next Saturday I have planned for us to __________________ . We will be leaving at ____ am/pm. Please be ready. I am very much looking forward to this" (don't worry about throwing in that guilt card at then end, either. Sometimes it's a good thing!)

One more thing... and this is gonna make your teeth fall out when you read it (dentures or NOT!)....do you have a full length mirror?
If you don't, I think you can get one at Walmart for about $5 this time of the year.

Do your hair up however you do it.
Get out your prettiest nightie (if you haven't bought one in years, get out the best one you have - NO EXCUSES).
Look at yourself in the mirror. Pose yourself as if you were 15 again. Pucker up and kiss the mirror with bright red lipstick on, woman! You see where I'm going with this? Find your inner VAMP. Find your beauty. Find your sexuality. Shut the freakin door while Homie is watching Jeopardy or whatever - spend some time with yourself. Let yourself feel pretty. Let yourself feel sexy. I'm thinking if you get yourself kicked into gear, Homie's gonna start looking a little more appealing and you can get over this god-forsaken hump you're stuck on. Don't tell me you're fat either or any other nonsense. I'm not going to accept that. Some of the sexiest women in the world have more cushin' for the pushin' if you know what I'm sayin' wink .

Things don't have to remain this way, but the ball is in your court to change the status quo.

So get out there and bounce! (no pun intended)

And hey, if you're worried about God, let me remind you, it's all legal because this man is your husband. Now work it, girl!


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1195325#Post1195325

Originally Posted by Sandi2
Oh God.....a "recap"! Well, ok, here goes. I thought I may be having a MLC b/c I had all the signs....only thing was I was about to turn 60, so that seem to be a bit old for mid-life. However, my M was in trouble. We had not had sex in eleven years and I was very lonely. Even though I had never had a problem with "age" like some women do....suddenly here I was turning 60 and boy did it hit me hard! It's a long story, but you can read my threads, if you want details (lol), but I fell into playing the on-line games where you can chat with the players. Men would flirt with me... and at first, of course, I wouldn't do that b/c I was too much of a lady....and a married one at that. But I finally began to flirt back....but guess what? It was fun! Then they (some of the men I flirted with) wanted more than just to play the games....they wanted to get on my "friends list" so we could IM. Especially when they discovered I had a web cam....they were very interested in seeing what I looked like. Well (of course) they would always act shocked that I was so "beautiful"! (fool) Anyway eventually I got on an adult friends chat line and the rest of the story gets ugly. However, through some great guidance from people here....I discovered that was my "drug of choice".

I was so stupid and so careless about my on-line contacts and conversations that my H and my grown D (and maybe my grandson) found my messages! I would even write short romance stories....even using my name for the female character....and it would be packed full of sexual content. Well, that was found by them also. My H does not know that my D found them. But, she finally told me that she knew before he did. I can tell you that I truly wanted to die!!!

When H finally confronted me about it and demanded I delete everything and everyone....and everything WOULD be over.....(or so he thought)....it got into high gear. I did delete everyone....except one man. Out of rebellion toward my H, my depression, my health issues.....and hundred other reasons.....I went into a full blown EA with the OM on-line (that I had failed to delete from my friends list). Let me tell you the OM was good! He fed my ego everything it wanted to hear. I felt great.....in some ways. Started looking pretty darn good too! But in other ways.....I felt awful. I think the word "hell" comes to mind.

Things got really bad and I was ready to walk away from 41 years of marriage! My H did all the wrong things that most S do when they are clinging to the one that is wanting to leave. If I had had the money to make it on my own....I would have walked out. I did not want to move in with my mother, but I would have--if my H had not backed away when he did and give me the space he did. That was the only thing that saved me from walking out the door! Well....that and the fact I found this board. I got some great help from very caring people here. I was reading everything on this board.....and plus other web sites.....buying books, tapes, etc. In other words.....took a big crash course.

So now, we are back to where the MR was before I started playing the games and that whole scene. BTW, I did tell the OM good-bye...but I was so close to having a PA with him that we had made plans to meet....when, where, etc. I am just so very thankful that it never got to that stage, b/c I think my M would surely be over now and and a lot more damage done than ever.

My H has been able to forgive me and we are back to where our "normal" was. However, I don't want that "normal" b/c that is why I got into trouble in the first place. I don't want to settle for that. But, my problem is---that I don't have any sexual desire for my H. He wants me, but he has not slept in the same bedroom with me in 22 years and has not had sex with me in 11 years. He waits for me to make the moves....and I can't.....or I should say....I won't do it. I care deeply about him and love him the way I would love another member of my family.....but don't feel in love with him and don't want to have sex with him.

It has been an on-going problem all our married life. He has always blamed me for being frigid and for "rejecting" him when he would try to have sex with me. I admit that most every time that I did feel "turned off" by him. So, I thought something was very wrong with me. Now, I am not gay! I like men. So, that is not the problem. I just never got the hots for my H. I went for years thinking that something was adnormal about me when I would read books and see movies about other women. I never felt anything like they did! I never had a climax with my H. Had to read about what to do to give myself one in order to experience it. Then I was hooked! I loved it! Would have loved having one with my H. BTW, I was very sheltered growing up and never even masterbated before I got married....much less have sex before M. I barely knew the facts of life enough to have sex on our wedding night!

I prayed for years and years that God would just "fix me" so I could be a good wife to my H. He was a good man and deserved to have a good, loving, sexy W in return. About the time I felt like that just might actually happen.....my H suddenly stopped having sex with me.....without one word of explanation. I thought it was b/c he could no longer "get it up" and did not want to put pressure on him......and besides he blamed me for his "problem" b/c he didn't get it enough was why he couldn't get it up anymore. (Wheeee.....now I'm out of breath!) So, we have gone all these years without sex and it isn't getting any better (and we're not getting any younger...if you know what I mean).

My feelings for him are resentful and I have days that I am very angry toward him......and not sure why. I still feel very turned off by him. He is not bad looking, has a good personality, very clean, etc. But, we are like you see couples that have been married a long time and it seems like everything about the one mate irritates the other mate. We get on each other's nerves! We had gotten where we fussed quite a bit before the on-line EA. We don't do that anymore.

I don't want to live out my years in a R like that. He won't go to C. We go to church, and go to work, and go to a few family get togethers....and that is our life. Very boring to tell you the truth. Boredom got me into trouble.

BTW, I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. That probably doesn't mean much to anyone unless they or a family member has it. It is very painful and limits your activities. Depression goes hand in hand with it and getting up and going to work every morning is a challenge.

Well, I feel like I have told this in a choppy style and I am sorry if it doesn't make much sense to you. I welcome any suggestions or even questions. That is why I'm here in SSM. I don't want my R to be this way. I want to feel desire for my H, but I can't seem to force it to happen. I know the books say to just "do it anyway" but I can't seem to be able to do that.

I think I am okay with the "age" thing now. Apparently the MLC didn't last long (thank God). I didn't have the energy to fight it anyway....lol.

I have not heard from any women my age. A few men have told me they were in their 60's. If there are any folks around this age or have been married this long....it sure would help to hear how you are coping with any like manner problems. Heck, it doesn't matter about the age. It is just that I feel like the oldest person on here....lol. But you know what? Over my life.....age never made any difference in my friendships. I've had friends that were 20 years older than me and 20 years younger. Isn't that great? However, somewhere through my depression.....and lack of interest in life and health problems, I don't feel like I have any friends left....you know...the "running buddy" type of friends. Nobody to go have a good time with. So, you all are my friends now. Oh Lordy.....welcome to my pity party I'm having.

Okay, that must be a sign to shut up for a while and get a grip. Come talk to me.....


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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