AmyC, how do I begin to start having positive feelings toward my H? I can't imagine ever being intimate with him again? He is so good and yet I feel so turned off by him. Some days I want to run away from my entire family. The OM makes very, very good money and when you don't have any and every problem around you seems to be caused by lack of money...well, the temptation to run to the OM gets big.
Originally Posted by AmyC
sandi, lack of money is not the problem so om's money won't solve it. And there's that...it's om's money. It'll never be yours no matter how much he says he wants to share it with you. It will be blood money.
Get away from om. STOP COMMUNICATING with him ALL TOGETHER.
The goal here is not to instantly be attracted to your husband again. I've already told you, look at yourself, INTO yourself. Try it through your husband's eyes and maybe you can get some understanding as to just why HE is the way HE is.
The biggest turnaround for me came in the middle of my bedroom floor one night after I came out of MLC. Every night for two weeks I was there. Crying and praying. Sometimes just laying there devastated. I began to see things, our life, through my husbands eyes. I saw how I had contributed to the failure of our marriage, OUR financial problems, our eventual drifting apart. I came to realize I'd never really been a good wife. I'd taken care of the kids and the house but not him. Not him very well at all. I'd never been a real partner. I hadn't worked and therefore the entire financial burden had fallen on him. We had bought a little house on an acre of land that he push mowed for 3 years straight and I never so much as took him a glass of ice water. We were together but the division that existed had become clear to me. I had developed a sick false sense of entitlement, too. So even before MLC, I was far from a good wife. When the MLC hit, I was atrocious. I was adulterous, self-righteous, blamed my husband's drinking for every single thing...It took me having to go through quite a hellish journey before I realized the level of stress my husband had been under for years. He gave me everything as best he could and I spit in his face for the most part. After the MLC and in the growth period since, I have changed, grown up, owned up. In the midst of it all my heart found it's way back to my husband, who at one point I would cringe at thought of touching.
Look at yourself, sandi.
That's where the problem YOU have to deal with lies.
I don't care how big of a bump on a log your husband has become, you are his wife. You helped create what he is today.
You are not a victim.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sandi, I sure hope things become more clear for you. Maybe this will help, if not maybe someone else.
cire
LOVE & LIFE
This story tells us something about LOVE & LIFE.
My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked.
"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?
And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.
Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"
He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....
My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....
This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...
That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...
Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I know that I will never have anyone that loves me as much as my H does. I know that I have to face the damage that I have done to the R.
The thing that really hit me was that the emotional feelings I have toward the OM is because it is "new" and "sinful" and exciting. If I allow the EA to turn into a PA then I have dug my grave deeper. The physical will be exciting and thrilling beyond anything I have felt before...according to that book. However, in time, if I should choose the OM, it would wear off and I would be in the same R as I find myself now. That is what some of you have tried to tell me. Or, I have read so much lately I have forgotten exactly who or where I got it, but the thing is I finally get it. The book broke it down into 4 stages and the third is where the W is in limbo as to what she wants to do. That is where I am now. But, I will not have a PA after reading that book. It scared me. I don't want to go through the hell that I would be opening myself up for. According to the book, I would be going through a vicious cycle of repeating everything again and again until my emotional state would finally break down completely. I don't want to live like that.
I know what I have go to do. The thing is to find the strength to do it. The first step is saying goodbye....and mean it...to the OM. According to the book, I will go through a time of "grieving". That is where I will need you guys to keep me encouraged...ok?
Also, I know I have to take baby steps every day to work on my M. I feel like I took a huge step last night reading all that information. The book explained why I don't have the feeling of being in love and that it feels more like a brother-sister relationship. Makes sense to me. Don't know how long it may take to work through that part of it. But, why would I want to leave this R just to find myself in another one just like it in a few years to the OM? I'm too old to go from one R to another and then another, etc. Besides, I'm not cut out for that kind of life.
I may have to come here several times a day just to talk out my thoughts or ask for advice from you who are quickly becoming friends. Thanks for your support. Today is the first time in months and months that I have felt the least bit of encouragement. And, maybe that is not even the correct word. I just know what I have to do to break out of the "limbo" stage. Instead of saying, "I don't know what I want or I don't know what to do"....I DO know what to do!
Please don't think for a second that I have my act together because I am a long way from that! Please don't stop writing to me because I need accountability. I think I was almost getting approval from my mother (without her even realizing what she was doing) to leave my husband. That was dangerous. She was really fed up with his not working and I played on that to get her approval for me to leave him and for her to accept the OM.
My first step is to say good-bye to the OM. God, I need strength to do that!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My word to you is view the OM as poison right now...if he truly loves you then he will certainly let you go...that is what all of us here have had to do at some point in order to hopefully win our S's back...if he keeps trying to contact you then send an email that simply states "I am married and need to act that way so I am saying good-bye. Please don't contact me ever again."...Then BLOCK his address and IM's...remember he is poison so don't even go for a peek or a taste it will suck you down and sicken you more....Really...he is willing to have an A with a married woman...in my book he doesn't require a good-bye....you OWE your H that respect not the OM who is willing to let you destroy your life just for him...that is a selfish man who is probably only seeking one thing...to gratify himself more...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I to was so totally shocked...I brought up the kids, how I had dedicated my whole life to H, I hit as many guilt buttons as I could...it was later...much much later....that H disclosed that anytime a guilt button was hit it drove him farther away...for me it was desperation to get him to "feel"...because he was so cut off and so distant...in my mind (pre-DB'ing)I felt if I could just get him to feel something he would "snap out of it"...
On the subject of being happy...H realized while he was gone...and upon his return...that "I" was not the whole reason he was unhappy...and I learned that I couldn't rely on H to make me happy...while a couple is "one" they still need a life...they need their own individuality...we both lost that...but now he has things he does for enjoyment and I have mine...and then we have OURS...so look for your happiness and remember it doesn't come from someone else...it comes from YOU...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think you asked me what I wanted from my M. I want to feel passion for my H. I want to feel desire. I have been dead inside for so long that when I did turn to OM the feelings of desire was new and exciting to me. I thought I was a freak for so many years and was told how our marriage was not what it should be because I was frigid....in so many words that was what my H told me every time I tried to talk to him about anything. No matter what the subject...he always brought up about the sex. So, I got colder and we got farther apart. He stopped sleeping in the same room with me about 20 years ago, and then stop even trying to have sex 11 years ago. We just lived under the same roof, went to the same church, family, etc. and to everyone else, we appeared to be very normal. Ha! Would they be surprised!
If you have read all my posts then you know that he tried very hard when he first found out about the OM. But, he had waited too long and was smothering me to death. The harder he tried the more turned off I felt. I wanted to run! I talked every day to my mother to keep from running. The OM told me he would come get me if I wanted him to, but I didn't know if I could do that to my family. Even though my kids are grown, I knew it would distroy my family. It has been 5 long months since everything hit the fan with my H. I have not run away yet. I have just gotten where I can stand to be under the same roof at the same time with him. I know all this sound so very awful to asy about one's spouse. I'm just telling it like it is.
As I told in my post early this morning before I left for work, we MLC or WAW or whatever I am....Lord only knows...we are not our true selves. It feels like some thing has crawled up under our skin and taken over. We know right from wrong and we admit we are wrong, but it is like we don't want to do anything about it. The desire to be with the OM or to run away or be by ourselves, feel the hot sexual desire, or whatever the heck it is we crave....is more important that our own children at that moment in time. I am baring my soul here and it isn't very pretty...I know.
For years, when I was younger, I tried hard, or at least I thought I did. I would apply all the "Total Woman" principles (anyone remember that book?) and would try to keep the M alive. But my husband was so "laid back" to the point of being down right lazy. There, I said it out-loud! He tried being self-employed after the company he worked for went out of business and that is when the M started going down. He is never motivated enough to go out and hustle the work up and keep the bills paid. I did not come from a wealthy family so it is not like I am hard to please. My family was on the same economical level as his. I just want to have a little security in my old age. He just never was a "go-getter" about anything. I was the other way around. We were true opposites. In the beginning maybe it attracted us, but I can assure you it doesn't after 41 years. I have worked two at a time several times and keep the house, kids, cook, etc., but do you think he ever did? Nope! Anyway, over the years, a lot of resentment built up, especially when all he ever had to bring to the talk table was that I was frigid and if we just had more sex, everything would be roses. It turned me off more and more. Then, about 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It is combined problems of sorts, but includes a lot of pain and chronic fatigue. That is when I really started feeling dead inside. I just exsisted. I was on so many meds that I could hardly function at work. I missed a lot of work, in fact. Was afraid I would lose my job.
Well, I have ranted and vented and at least I'm not crying right now, so thanks for being here for me and let me get this off my chest.
You will probably be scared to ask me any more questions. Just kidding. Don't be, if you aren't afraid to listen. I need everyone I can get right now, because, seriously, I do feel like I am close to a nervous break-down at times.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
"Your son is here," she said to the old man.
She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed
Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the
young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.
He refused.
Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine, replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
PS: about your earlier post somewheres, about "fantacising"...
I hear that for women, its about the feelings that this fantasy person evokes in you, not neccessarily the person themselves.
maybe you can try shifting the fantasy.
first, without wallowing in it, remember what it was about the fantasy about the other person, got you feeling good about it. Probably, it was the way he treated you, or talked to you, or...
then, imagine that your husband got hit by a personality changer, and started acting that same way towards you.
"but he'd never do that!!!"
well, funny thing.... this is a "fantasy". reality doesnt have to have anything to do with it ;\)
give it a try.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
A sure fire way to kill your marriage, is to avoid doing things because your husband "might" react a certain way. Because you can always think up some reaction from him that would be negative.. so you can provide yourself with an excuse not to do ANYTHING, if you allow yourself to keep thinking that way.
if you've read michelle's book(s), you might know the importance of acting "as if".. in the sense of "act as if if.. your husband will react the way you would LIKE him to react".
if you need reassurance about that.... then combine it with actually talking to your husband about it. he's not a dog.. you can actually hold a conversation with him ;\)
Maybe let him know, "I'd like to spend a little time with you, just sitting next to you. I still need your help doing [whatever you need him to keep doing for your relationship]. But I thought I might try this, for OUR relationship. I'm not ready for anything more than just sitting next to each other... I'd like you to understand that if you push for more, that will make me feel uncomfortable, and I will get up. Are you ok with that?"
Originally Posted by Dom R
Most men usually LIKE to follow explicit directions. So, you can directly ask him, "I'd like to share something I heard about. i need someone to talk to. i need you to be [understanding/just listen/whatever YOU need]. Would you do that for me?"
If he loves you, and wants to work on your marriage.. he WANTS to do things for you. Telling him what he can do for you, and giving him a chance to do it, will make him very happy.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I also read in a posting that your H doesn't feel he needs to make much change...that he has done all he should/could...and he may REALLY feel this way based upon your actions in the marriage over the past many years...what you have to remember is you can't MAKE someone change...BUT...with YOUR changes WILL come changes in H...it is like dominoes...once one starts to fall the others follow...and the momentum picks up...
I know this to be fact because even though I was the LBS...my H felt like yours...that I was the one that needed to change...that despite his leaving me and having an affair that he had put his all in to our marriage...he felt totally justified in his not loving me anymore...this was very hard for me because even though I didn't leave and for the most part "felt" happy...I realized after his leaving that I wasn't as happy as I thought and that my health was suffering from the stress as much as he stated his was...BUT...I also acknowledged that I did need to make changes regardless of what H did...and I was almost positive that he would continue in his self-righteous feelings he had...so I continued in my "own journey"...not judging his...not worrying about whether he would or wouldn't change for me...it became about me being HAPPY WITH MYSELF!...and guess what?!?!...in time ( a long time) H did see where he needed to make changes...it got easier for us to talk things over with each other...and I can honestly say now that H has come a long way...BUT I led that way...my changes created change in all those around me...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
