Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,707
Likes: 15
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,707
Likes: 15
Hi Magnhild,

I think it's very healthy that you don't want her things surrounding you. I'm impressed! That would be my priority--"Given you've committed to living elsewhere for the next 10 months, I request that you please remove your belongings from my home by Oct 1, 2021."

If she disagrees, or doesn't agree within a week, or doesn't remove her things by that deadline, I'd begin taking alternate measures. E.g., paying to have the items moved to storage and accounting it as a shared cost, accelerating settling the mortgage, or discussing options with a lawyer. Please note I would not threaten any of these things as that may make it easier for her to block them.

In the US, if you're legally married, it's trivial to have a temporary restraining order issued on the shared bank account and mortgage, limiting the need to actually separate them out at this point. I know because that was my first "volley" when I was ready to leave my XW. Are you legally married? (In 2021, some places, unfortunately, do not recognize same-sex marriages and afford them the same rights and protections as opposite-sex marriages.) Are you in the US or UK?



Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 505
Likes: 10
B
Member
Online
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 505
Likes: 10
Magnhild,

Originally Posted by Magnhild
We met up a couple of times which was actually quite positive. She remarked on how well I looked and she said I appeared to be coping with this situation better than her.
Nice she noticed, but a caution not to read too much into it. Sounds like you might be hoping because of these words things will turn - I wanted to read into all the "positive" signs too. Continue improving yourself and be (or at least act) happy. If she really thinks you're doing better than her she may start questioning things...

Originally Posted by Magnhild
She tells me she has found a place to rent from tomorrow (10 month lease) which I wasn't surprised by, as I knew this had been her plan after spending the last couple of months at a friend's house. However, this still managed to put me back a bit.
Notice her words we positive (or at least the ones you shared) but her actions are still moving towards separation / divorce.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
We work together at a school, which starts on Monday and I'm finding that very hard - seeing her around. We're both very professional, but it's such a difficult thing to handle. We've both been in school for the last few days and she has visited me in my room to talk. The mutual friends we have there are all completely as shocked as I am that she left the marriage with no desire to work on it. She still hasn't told her family.
That does sound difficult. I can't imagine having to work professionally with someone while going through this.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
All her stuff is in our home, and her new place is furnished, so she will only need her clothes. After going backwards and forwards in my head, I'm still not sure of what do to for the best.

For a couple of days I've been thinking about how I really need to move on and it's probably best for me to ask her to take all her belongings from the house. She can always rent a garage to store her stuff pretty cheaply - it shouldn't be my problem.
Completely fair to ask her to remove her stuff. She's has separated from you and is threatening to end the marriage! No need to be nice and gentle and accommodating.

Originally Posted by CWWarrior
"Given you've committed to living elsewhere for the next 10 months, I request that you please remove your belongings from my home by Oct 1, 2021."
If you go the route of asking, CWWarrior's wording suggestion seems very reasonable.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I also want her to remove her name from the mortgage & bank account. I need to protect my assets.
Do it. Period. Protect your finances. She's acting in her interests, not yours. You can start redirecting your paycheck into a new bank account which she does not have access to, to further protect yourself.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I've spent the summer working on my "better self", physically and emotionally
Great!

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I now need to face up to the reality of a broken marriage and look after myself financially.
Yep. It's tough. But start getting into "business" mode and watch your interests, especially financially.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Am I being a complete tw*t to suggest this? I have been standing for my marriage for the last two months but I'm not sure if doing this shows compassion or is it fair?
Your spouse is separating and probably divorcing you and you're concerned you're not acting fairly by asking her to pack up her stuff. The board is going to tell you to toughen up and not be soft / too nice.

Is it possible there's an affair / other person involved? Do you suspect anything? What does your gut tell you? My "Spidey sense" was tingling on BD and quickly found out there was at least an emotional if not physical affair. What does yours say? I ask because earlier in the thread you mention you thought things were happy for 14 years and BD was a shock and then little complaints started surfacing. Could be she met someone and fell and is now re-writing things and blaming you for her guilty feelings and/or making excuses for her behavior. Many on here would recommend being tougher on WAS when there's another party involved. Have you thought about packing up her stuff yourself, leaving it in the garage or front porch, and say "you're leaving me so here's your stuff...bye!") Again, this is based on purely speculation but so many of the sitches on here involve an affair which comes out eventually, even if the LBS swears up and down the WAS has nothing going on in that area.

Last edited by BL42; 08/28/21 05:26 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 30
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 30
Likes: 1
Thanks both for replying.

CWWarrior: I guess one month to remove her stuff is reasonable. I was thinking more like two weeks! I suppose I do need to make an appointment to see a lawyer. We used a good one a while back when we transferred our Civil Partnership (in the UK) into a Marriage once it was legal in this part of Europe. Feel a bit sad that I will be visiting this lawyer alone after the length of time it took for him to get the marriage "certified". Bureaucracy here is a nightmare.

BL42: Yep... I guess I do need to toughen up a bit smile

No, I'm convinced there is no other person. I've read so much on here and other forums that it is normal to delude ourselves, and who knows, maybe I am. However, my gut tells me she is just in a really dark place right now, not just with her marriage, but also trying to come to terms with her dysfunctional family.

W became friendly with a mother of one of the kids at school who had just split from her husband. For a few weeks before she left they texted each other a lot, but I really do put it down to this mother showing W that it IS possible to leave a marriage and giving her the courage to do that. EA affair? I really don't think so; just two very bitter women venting with each other. Fair enough.

It would be easier, I think, if there was another person and this was ultimately her reason to leave. I would be able to stop the compassion I'm feeling right now.

I'm expecting W to contact me tomorrow to tell me she has just paid for the new apartment. Yes, out of our joint account, but I have already said I will try to make it easy on her.

Last night I took down all the photos of us on the walls and took off my wedding ring. Wow - just typing that has made tears run down my face. After being so strong and acting/being happy, I'm really hurting today. It's only been six weeks...

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,164
Mag,

Welcome. I am so sorry you have to find yourself here. You are off to a good start. It is very long, difficult and painful journey. Please know that you are not alone. Everyone here has been in a similar sitch at some point. I started reading here over 7 years ago and I notice patterns. I just wanted to offer a couple things that you might find helpful. I do not check/post here often, but if I can be of help to you, I will. I just wanted to offer you a little something.

I see you taking a lot of ownership of where you went wrong. That is so important because we can only control and change one person -- our self. Conversely, it is easy to think that it is all our fault and want to dive right in and fix our problems and try to be perfect. That is not possible. It took a long time for the relationship to deteriorate and it was not one persons doing. It is complicated. Also, based on reading 100s maybe 1000 stories, there is usually a third party involved and some type of affair. Some know about it and find out early. Some do not believe it and are completely shocked. But in most of these sitches, esp when your partner leaves rather abruptly, there is someone else involved. People do not pick up and quickly leave us to get away from us, they leave to be with someone else. I want to caution you to protect yourself as I see a lot of self blame in your writings. Also, her sadness could be more due to some type of guilt rather than losing her relationship with you. I am sorry if that stings. I know that sting myself.

So if this is true, and she is imagining or planning a relationship with someone else, what can you do about it? Unfortunately, nothing to change her mind. You note it and don't allow yourself to obsess over it. You do not confront her. In fact, it is better not to initiate any contact with her. I know you have to see her at work, but it is best to stay FAR away. A brief head nod or smile and then walk away. She needs to see that you are letting go and moving on. If you are struggling with this, I recommend reading and following Sandi's rules. They saved my sanity and my life. I read them every day and maybe 20 times a day.

Also, I know you want to help her financially, but please be careful. Protect yourself and your assets right now. Are you doing this out of guilt? A hope she will see you as caring and come back? Or is it legally required? What if you knew for certain there was an A and that is why she is leaving you?.... I think it is a good idea to look at finances separately from emotions. She has picked up and left you and it is reasonable not to help someone do that to you. Do you see how this looks to an outsider?

I know how hard this is. I feel for you. Just take it day by day. And remember that less is more. When is doubt, do nothing. Stay away from her and take care of you. This takes a long, long time to unfold. In the mean time, your focus is completely off of her and on you and your own healing. She may look over her shoulder if she sees you happier and moving on, but for now you just stay on your own path.

Take care. You got this.
Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 08/28/21 07:27 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 505
Likes: 10
B
Member
Online
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 505
Likes: 10
Originally Posted by Magnhild
I guess one month to remove her stuff is reasonable. I was thinking more like two weeks!
Nothing wrong with two weeks. It's even stronger. CWarrior was probably just saying to pick a date and be firm.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I suppose I do need to make an appointment to see a lawyer.
Yes. Call one Monday. Or maybe two or three (if they give free consultations). It's important to know your rights so you can start acting accordingly, even if it ultimately does not come to D.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
BL42: Yep... I guess I do need to toughen up a bit smile
Toughen up, yes, but maybe a better way to say it is act out of strength. It took me awhile to understand this. At first I acted scared and weak, but the stronger I got the more it helped my mental state.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
No, I'm convinced there is no other person.
Famous last words...

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I've read so much on here and other forums that it is normal to delude ourselves, and who knows, maybe I am. However, my gut tells me she is just in a really dark place right now, not just with her marriage, but also trying to come to terms with her dysfunctional family.
Definitely likely she's in a dark place / modeled behavior is kicking in if she had a dysfunctional family, but that and an affair aren't mutually exclusive. Maybe not, and I'm not as experienced on this board as others, but it does seem an overwhelming majority of sitches have another party involved...even if the LBS did not believe it to be the case initially.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
W became friendly with a mother of one of the kids at school who had just split from her husband. For a few weeks before she left they texted each other a lot
There's smoke. Perhaps not fire, but definitely smoke...

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I really do put it down to this mother showing W that it IS possible to leave a marriage and giving her the courage to do that. EA affair? I really don't think so; just two very bitter women venting with each other. Fair enough.
Could be. Doesn't necessarily mean affair, maybe they were commiserating and talking separation / divorce, but don't dismiss it either.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
It would be easier, I think, if there was another person and this was ultimately her reason to leave. I would be able to stop the compassion I'm feeling right now.
Not sure about that, having been through the other way myself, but doesn't change anything regardless.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I'm expecting W to contact me tomorrow to tell me she has just paid for the new apartment. Yes, out of our joint account, but I have already said I will try to make it easy on her
Ultimately your decision, but I would not recommend paying for her to leave you. Not only is it weak and your marriage is better off not taking away the consequences of leaving, but you may regret giving away money in the long run. It's a business negotiation now. She's not looking after you - don't give away your money to someone leaving you.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Last night I took down all the photos of us on the walls and took off my wedding ring. Wow - just typing that has made tears run down my face. After being so strong and acting/being happy, I'm really hurting today. It's only been six weeks...
That's tough. I went through that as well. Therapeutic in a way though...

Originally Posted by BluWave
You are off to a good start. It is very long, difficult and painful journey.
I agree w/BluWave here. You are off to a good start. Stopping drinking, exercising keep all those self improvements up!

Originally Posted by BluWave
I see you taking a lot of ownership of where you went wrong. That is so important because we can only control and change one person -- our self. Conversely, it is easy to think that it is all our fault and want to dive right in and fix our problems and try to be perfect. That is not possible. It took a long time for the relationship to deteriorate and it was not one persons doing. It is complicated.
This is what I was alluding to in my last post...certainly identify areas you could have done better and work on them for the future, but at the same time don't let her put the entire weight of the marriage onto you. Her guilt over this is likely leading her to blame you for every little item as a justification for her actions. Neither of you are perfect, but she's the one leaving and refusing to work on the marriage. In one of the few marriage counseling sessions we had my wife brought up the silliest reasons for the affair / D like we disagreed on the plates we registered for 7 years ago and I didn't put the garbage bags on the garage can correctly. Not something to break up a family over. Point is...if you had a drinking problem definitely address it, but also don't put 100% of the burden on yourself. Neither of you are perfect.

Originally Posted by BluWave
Also, based on reading 100s maybe 1000 stories, there is usually a third party involved and some type of affair. Some know about it and find out early. Some do not believe it and are completely shocked. But in most of these sitches, esp when your partner leaves rather abruptly, there is someone else involved. People do not pick up and quickly leave us to get away from us, they leave to be with someone else. I want to caution you to protect yourself as I see a lot of self blame in your writings. Also, her sadness could be more due to some type of guilt rather than losing her relationship with you. I am sorry if that stings. I know that sting myself.
I think what BluWave & I are saying...is just prepare yourself for the possibility there's someone else involved. It's not as unlikely as you believe right now.

Originally Posted by BluWave
I know you have to see her at work, but it is best to stay FAR away. A brief head nod or smile and then walk away. She needs to see that you are letting go and moving on.
Yep! And the sooner the better. Don't let her ease out of it; let her feel the consequences.

Originally Posted by BluWave
Also, I know you want to help her financially, but please be careful. Protect yourself and your assets right now. Are you doing this out of guilt? A hope she will see you as caring and come back? Or is it legally required? What if you knew for certain there was an A and that is why she is leaving you?.... I think it is a good idea to look at finances separately from emotions. She has picked up and left you and it is reasonable not to help someone do that to you. Do you see how this looks to an outsider?
Agreed. Be strong. Start protecting yourself financially. Don't help her out just to be nice and especially with the hope of getting her back.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 30
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 30
Likes: 1
Oh Blu and BL42.

Thank you so much for spending time giving advice to some random person on the internet. Your words are VERY much appreciated.

It's finally bedtime here after a very long day focussing far too much on the situation. You have both given me a lot to mull over.

I see the wisdom of your words and have printed out Sandi's Rules. I will get there. It is very tough.

I spoke with my 81 year old mother and her friend the other day on FaceTime, and her friend/companion told her that I looked so well I must be fine. Her advice tonight was actually to not put too much of a brave face on. That seemed almost the opposite of rules #12 & 13.

Thanks again for your words. I have read them over and over.

Time to sleep.

Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
Hi Magnhild,

I just wanted to share I am sorry you are going through this. Its a hard situation and I know for me personally has been utterly bewildering, I still at times ask myself how on earth did we get here?

I just wanted to comment on your family/friends advice... its similar to what my own mother in law keeps telling me, I think she thinks that if I appear vulnerable and hurt that my H will feel sorry for me and make amends? However, I just wanted to tell you that I think Sandi's Rules are what you need right now. Whats helping me right now is standing tall and getting on with it rather than appear distressed and hurt... save that for the forum I think and your IC if you have one. From my own limited experience but more importantly from reading others experience's here, it seems that it will be of more benefit to you.

I hope you slept well.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,214
Likes: 6
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,214
Likes: 6
Originally Posted by Magnhild
it's probably best for me to ask her to take all her belongings from the house.....Any helpful advice?
Yes.

"I believe it would be best if you remove the remaining items from my house by "such and such date". (Maybe a Monday a few weeks out to give her 2 weekends to move things out)

Keep things simple. I love starting with "I believe" and ending with a date.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 30
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 30
Likes: 1
So updating. More of a journal entry.

Sunday she moved from her friends house where she has been staying since she left (mid-July) to her own place.

We started back at school (just staff) on Monday, and it was horrible. Broke down at lunchtime with a colleague. Felt so wrong people asking how the summer was. "What did you guys get up to over the summer?" questions. No-one apart from a few close (mutual) friends at school know.

W came to see me at the end of the day, and we were both in tears. I really tried to be strong, but it was so hard. For the first time, later that evening, I had to reach out to her to ask how to mend a catch on the bedroom window, hoping she could explain. She came round to fix it and noticed I had taken off my ring and taken down our photos. Please don't criticise but I was very much "This is not what I want, but I accept that you want out of the marriage". So hard. I asked her to go and see the bank about our mortgage, and that I would be contacting a lawyer so we can sort out the financial situation as fairly and as soon as possible. W was really surprised and visibly upset as she thought this could be done amicably.

Today is Wednesday, and she came to see me at the end of the day asking for her to come round and collect some work clothes. She left a while ago with lots of bags. We talked (politely) about school stuff and no R talk, only business. I had written a list of her belongings that she needs to take and she seemed very taken aback. Although I know it's not my problem, I feel so bad about telling her, as I know how difficult it is going to be for her.

I have secured an appointment with the lawyer on Monday. The irony of having him to legalise our marriage in this country, only to ask him advice on separation is not lost on me. I haven't yet told her the appointment is on Monday. When I spoke about it before, she asked me if I wanted her to come with me. I said no.

So I went to my home gym to make myself better. It didn't really work too well as although my body is celebrating my new found fitness, my heart is breaking.

If at any time during the last few weeks she had said that she just needed some space to sort herself out with the aim of eventually reconciling, this would be playing out differently. But she didn't. I am trying REALLY hard to let go.

I can't help feeling that I am rushing this.

I keep telling myself I will get there eventually. I won't always feel like this. I am being strong and doing what I can control and setting the boundaries, but I just don't want this marriage to end.

Feeling pretty rubbish.

I start teaching tomorrow and I just can't get my head around it.

This is just so hard.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,707
Likes: 15
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,707
Likes: 15
Hi Magnhild,
Originally Posted by Magnhild
W was really surprised and visibly upset as she thought this could be done amicably.
Don't fall for this thought error. Having lawyers help doesn't automatically make the divorce UN-amicable. They will ensure you get the paperwork right and advise you each of your rights so neither of you is shafted either intentionally or inadvertently. There's nothing to fear unless one of you engages in a pointless battle to "win" instead of aiming for a "reasonable settlement", and even then it's usually the party asking for something unreasonable who pays more money for attorneys.



Page 3 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard