Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 15 1 2 3 14 15
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
Long ago, in a galaxy far far away I was a WAS from a bad marriage. More recently, I was an LBS in a life partnership gone wrong. I'm trying to rebuild my life and be pickier about partners!

See: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2922226

Auto Recap--I have a check engine light and my mechanic said I needed an electrical mechanic.

Electrical Mechanic Visit #1 - He claimed he fixed a wiring short causing the light. I asked how he fixed it--did he replace the connector, wiring, or what? He said, "I just fixed the short." What does that mean? I see no wiring or electrical tape changes. The light returned the next day.

Electrical Mechanic Visit #2 - He said now a new code was appearing saying the sensor needed replacing. I said great, so the original code is cleared and there's a new one. He said yes. He said the part was $285. I said hmm.. I'd already replaced it and that part cost $70. He said ones from shops are often "uncalibrated" and installing it is "delicate". It's actually a really simple part requiring no calibration and it's easy to test or replace. I Googled and the OEM part is $120. I said I'd take care of it, but it's great he cleared a code. I asked what the new code was. He wouldn't share the code at first. I said the original code was Pxxx. He said yes, that's the code. Hmm. I may need to find yet another mechanic.

I'm a terrible patient, but I need an honest doctor.



Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,578
Likes: 30
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,578
Likes: 30
Honestly I’d go to the dealer at this point. Might cost a little more but they should know what they’re doing. Because they work on the same cars all the time, they know their quirks.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
Clearly, I created more work for myself by bargain shopping. My usual mechanic wanted $280 and several days--but always finds the issue. I should've returned there after the $100 mechanic said it was beyond them.



Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
Originally Posted by kml
Honestly I’d go to the dealer at this point. Might cost a little more but they should know what they’re doing. Because they work on the same cars all the time, they know their quirks.
Dealer. Yes, that's probably an even better idea.



Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 504
Likes: 10
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 504
Likes: 10
CWarrior,

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I’m mid-date. I went in for a kiss early on and she turned it down and keeps putting space between us. After preparing me a 4-course meal and writing me longer poem. I’m confused again.
I realize the board recommends posting before speaking/acting, but mid-date??? That's a bit extreme! Lol

Romantic poem but turning down kisses after several dates? I concur with the others...move on.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,610
Likes: 9
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,610
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by BL42
CWarrior,

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I’m mid-date. I went in for a kiss early on and she turned it down and keeps putting space between us. After preparing me a 4-course meal and writing me longer poem. I’m confused again.
I realize the board recommends posting before speaking/acting, but mid-date??? That's a bit extreme! Lol

Romantic poem but turning down kisses after several dates? I concur with the others...move on.
in a case like this, I think it was fine to signal for help mid-date.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
Since Thursday, Ms. Sunshine's sent two messages. The first, lamenting our adventures are cut short. The second, beyond the "manly" comment she apologized for, she doesn't get why it's over. It seems our friendly get-togethers will also be more limited. smirk

I sent more on why we're incompatible--mixed messages, distance/pursuer, turned off by my "mushy" side, etc.. no blaming.. just personal preferences, and she's a good person. She responded in-depth--she accepts some rough edges she's working on. I'm her first date 1.5yrs after a 10yr sexless marriage. She thinks some of this is miscommunication. She wants another shot.

---

Nobody has ever written poetry like this about me or cooked me a 4-course meal. Those score points. She also is a high wage-earner (three cars, paid-off home) and good parent.

re: Writing a poem. Is it crazy? Well, she's known me for a year, and our first meeting was memorable. I met 5-6 people that day and she's the only one I remember. We exchanged digits. Our first "non-date" kayaking was idyllic. Her poem was about feeling alive again--not her undying love for me. She writes. She paints. A way to process? She shared it a few dates later.

Could it be love-bombing and something darker comes next? It's possible. I read her as more anxious. She has trouble being alone. She broke up with a fiance and 2 boyfriends when they got too busy for together time.

Quote
*Is this someone who consistently makes you feel good after you spend time with her?
It depends on what accounting method I choose! 1 date ended with me hurt and confused. 1 date ended with me feeling meh smirk. 2 non-dates were amazing days. Our weekly hangouts were good.

Quote
*Is this someone with whom you can feel safe/trust enough to be truly emotionally intimate?
I've shared more with her than anyone. This is partly because we have a common past and partly because I'm trying to be more emotionally open. I have multiple friends who know me better than my XW did.

Quote
*Do you want to be in a relationship with someone this controlling before you've even defined what it is you're doing together?
After breakfast and some kayaking training (my ideas) she asked where I wanted to go. "Home is fine." She says she rarely goes to this area and would like lunch. I say okay. I felt trapped because I really wanted to go home--but isn't that half my fault for not asserting myself? She asks if I prefer city A or B. I say city A--never been there. She says she just double-checked and it's too far, let's go to city B. I say okay. Time would be tight if we went to City A. For lunch we're sharing an entree and a side. She asks if I like crab cakes. "I don't like seafood, but I'd be open to trying them." "Are you allergic?" "No." She orders the crab cakes. Never had someone order us seafood when I say I don't like seafood. I pick a salad. She's allergic to walnuts. I pick a different salad. It turns out I love crab cakes. I'm glad she ordered them. Was she "controlling" or is sharing control a skill to improve at?

It's funny how many ways you can frame an event. I'm obviously talking myself into another go.



Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,895
Likes: 4
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,895
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by CWarrior
It's funny how many ways you can frame an event. I'm obviously talking myself into another go.
My ex sister-in-law had a favourite phrase - "When I want your opinion I'll give it to you". Quite the piece of work. Lots of drama and everything was always all about her.

Going to be blunt here. From what I've read, "You" don't matter to her nor do your wants or needs. Having dated a very controlling woman last year I see the same strategies in play here. Wanting "equality" but only with them being the equal one. Seeing what they can get away with - offering carrot and then whacking you with the stick. If you take the hit then it becomes the normal.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,578
Likes: 30
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,578
Likes: 30
Quote
For lunch we're sharing an entree and a side. She asks if I like crab cakes. "I don't like seafood, but I'd be open to trying them." "Are you allergic?" "No." She orders the crab cakes. Never had someone order us seafood when I say I don't like seafood

Well - there's two parts to this. One is you saying you'd be open to trying them - that kinda lets her off the hook for ordering them, no? On the other hand, if someone said that to ME, I'd be saying "oh no, that's ok, let's order something else" because I would be concerned that you might not like the crab cakes if you don't like seafood, and I'd want you to enjoy your meal too. Sounds like SHE wanted crab cakes and you gave her the opening to do the selfish thing, which she took and ran with.

Look, we're all Monday morning quarterbacking here, but this interaction suggests to me that you're too accommodating and she might be the kind of person to take advantage of that. If you do see her again, PLEASE DON'T SLEEP WITH HER as your ability to think rationally will be clouded by that. She also might sleep with you just to "prove" that she's interested then back off again.

Also - I wouldn't have gone into all that detail about why you were dropping her, because that just gives her an opportunity to argue it with you and make excuses. The correct thing to do is just say "I don't think we're really a match". That doesn't lay blame at anyone's doorstep, and it's the honest truth.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,706
Likes: 15
@kml, yes, these interactions have highlighted I'm not as direct and assertive as I'd like to be. Even she says I "shy away" from uncomfortable topics. I want to get better at that. (:

After the "bad date", I was confused and made that poor approximation of LH's, "Just friends doesn't work for me" argument which didn't work because it wasn't true for me. When she asked me in the car on the way there "Why did you want to talk about that before meeting me--were you thinking of canceling?" I got uncomfortable and said "I hadn't thought that far." When she asked in the car on the way back, "Is everything okay?" I said I was just watching the scenery.

Should I have canceled? Could've gone either way. I do want to be more authentic. I wish on the way there I'd answered, "I had second thoughts about today. I still feel confused about last night. I'm not ready to talk about it, but I wanted to enjoy a day on the water with you." I wish on the way back I said, "I'm still confused about last night. It's pretty out there, though."

I'm not doing any favors to me or others dropping authenticity to keep the peace.



Page 1 of 15 1 2 3 14 15

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard