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Originally Posted by CWarrior
You said you had a poor attitude. I guess it wasn't the cost/money, then. Were you angry or otherwise acting out?

I'm practising how to quote here, so don't know if this will work!

No, I was never angry nor acting out. I was always quite a chirpy wino. I just liked to drink as my reward at the end of the day that got into a really, really bad habit.

I don't want my posts to dwell on this, although please feel free to point out that this may be my denial! I want to be brutally honest with you all and can take any bashing you may wish to give. Please be gentle, and remember I am owning up to my behaviour and addressing it. She suggested that I see a psychotherapist and have my first appointment on Tuesday so we will see what the "root" of this is.

I am still reading a massive amount of threads on here and trying to learn as much as I can about possible reasons for what has happened. I get it. I was a twat who didn't give her the emotional safety I should have, who now bitterly regrets past decisions.

I can't go back in time and change what I have done. If I could I wouldn't be here now, but I am trying to learn, trying to gain positives from an incredibly negative time, and trying to move forward from past mistakes.

Baby steps.

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I have put in a request to get you taken off moderation. Cadet and I are volunteers and we pop in periodically during the day seven days a week. Hopefully the Administrator will release you from moderation on Monday/Tuesday.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job - Thank you so much. It's very much appreciated.

job #2922444 08/16/21 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by job
I have put in a request to get you taken off moderation. Cadet and I are volunteers and we pop in periodically during the day seven days a week. Hopefully the Administrator will release you from moderation on Monday/Tuesday.

Except - yesterday I went to the beach!
Trying to get my moneys worth from my parking pass.

It was great and the first time it has not rained on a Sunday this summer.

Yeah hopefully you will be off of moderation soon.


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Hi Mag,

I don't bash. Right now I'm just trying to understand you and your issues. (:

I was trying to ask you two questions--1) How much are you drinking both per night and per week--I listed NIAAA guidelines, 2) How did your drinking negatively affect your partner?

If her only concern was that maybe, someday, it would cause health issues it seems more like an excuse to leave such as, "My wife is 10# overweight." If there were more pointed issues I didn't hear you own those.

What is your motivation to quit beyond appeasing your wife? Are you going to do every other healthy thing possible such as diet, exercise, sleep, drink water, eat a plant-based diet, etc?



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
How much are you drinking both per night and per week--I listed NIAAA guidelines

Let's see.
Week 1 (BD) 2 x 2 glasses of wine during two dinners out. Home drinking = zero
Week 2 Zero
Week 3 1 glass of wine (dinner out) Home drinking = zero
Week 4 Zero
This is week 5... zero

Before BD - a bottle of wine a night. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
How did your drinking negatively affect your partner?
Now that's a VERY valid question. I knew she didn't really like it, but she put it down to one of my quirks. Obviously, it affected her FAR more than I realised. Her father drinks massively, presumably to get through caring for his very mentally unwell wife (W's mother). I will go into how it affected her more later.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
If there were more pointed issues I didn't hear you own those.
She told me at our last face-to-face there were "many little things over the years" which had me holding my head in my hands in horror at how she felt. Jeez, I own up to these BIG TIME. There were instances where what she told me (all absolutely true) hammered it home how my carelessness had brought on this disintegration. Rest assured, I have beaten myself out about these. I honestly didn't see it. Yes, I'm a dick. No, I can't go back in time. I will have to face my actions have brought this on, and it seems so surreal when I love her so much, yet did things like that. I understand why she left me.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
What is your motivation to quit beyond appeasing your wife? Are you going to do every other healthy thing possible such as diet, exercise, sleep, drink water, eat a plant-based diet, etc?

It's not about appeasing W. It's about me choosing to be the best version of me that I can be. Diet is healthy, but it always has been. Started working out everyday and have lost 6 kg so far. Friends (and W) say I am looking better than I have in years. Again, this isn't to get her back... this is for me. Sleeping great - I guess not drinking and exercising really helps. Health wise I'm doing great. Emotionally I'm doing pretty OK considering. A massive amount of reflection and working on myself.

I have my first psychologist appointment this afternoon which I'm looking forward to as I have NO idea where it go smile

After a week of not hearing from her, she has literally just texted while I'm writing asking what time the appointment is and would I like to meet. I'm mentally prepared for her telling me she's found an apartment. I know she needs to work on herself at the moment and I so am giving her the space she needs however much it hurts.

Thanks for reading.

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Originally Posted by Magnhild
After a week of not hearing from her, she has literally just texted while I'm writing asking what time the appointment is and would I like to meet. I'm mentally prepared for her telling me she's found an apartment. I know she needs to work on herself at the moment and I so am giving her the space she needs however much it hurts.
Nothing REQUIRES an immediate response.

Can you have more will power than her? She ghosts you for a week....Let HER worry about you. How long can you hold out not responding?


You also need to be "too busy" to meet. You can deflect if you want. Another options is "I don't believe we should she each other for a while."

Last edited by Ready2Change; 08/17/21 04:01 PM.

"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thanks, Ready2Change. Good advice.

I responded "I'd love to" and left it at that. I know, I know, I KNOW!! I should have not done that, but I'm still learning. Still I left it at that.

She texted later to say she had just been speaking to a (mutual) friend and was now an "emotional wreck" and "maybe tomorrow morning".

I haven't replied. See, I can learn smile

On another note, by Divorce Remedy book arrived this afternoon, so I'm getting stuck into that now. Evening sorted.

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Originally Posted by Magnhild
She texted later to say she had just been speaking to a (mutual) friend and was now an "emotional wreck" and "maybe tomorrow morning".

"That is way too soon. I need some time to think and have some important decisions to make."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Been a while since I posted.

We met up a couple of times which was actually quite positive. She remarked on how well I looked and she said I appeared to be coping with this situation better than her. She tells me she has found a place to rent from tomorrow (10 month lease) which I wasn't surprised by, as I knew this had been her plan after spending the last couple of months at a friend's house. However, this still managed to put me back a bit.

We work together at a school, which starts on Monday and I'm finding that very hard - seeing her around. We're both very professional, but it's such a difficult thing to handle. We've both been in school for the last few days and she has visited me in my room to talk. The mutual friends we have there are all completely as shocked as I am that she left the marriage with no desire to work on it. She still hasn't told her family.

So now onto any advice anyone can help me with....

All her stuff is in our home, and her new place is furnished, so she will only need her clothes. After going backwards and forwards in my head, I'm still not sure of what do to for the best.

For a couple of days I've been thinking about how I really need to move on and it's probably best for me to ask her to take all her belongings from the house. She can always rent a garage to store her stuff pretty cheaply - it shouldn't be my problem. I also want her to remove her name from the mortgage & bank account. I need to protect my assets.

I've spent the summer working on my "better self", physically and emotionally, and I now need to face up to the reality of a broken marriage and look after myself financially.

Am I being a complete tw*t to suggest this? I have been standing for my marriage for the last two months but I'm not sure if doing this shows compassion or is it fair?

Any helpful advice?

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