Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Hello.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I agree with BL42 that you’d only need a small bump in maintenance (e.g., 50gbp/month) over the current proposal to make a 2100gbp barrister worthwhile. Money over time adds up!
True.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Is 2100gbp a good price? Call 2-3 other barristers nearby who either friends recommend or have many good Yelp reviews and compare their estimates.
My Lawyer gave me a few choices and I looked their credentials up. They varied from 1,500 - 2,100 - the highest price one being the best for my particular case.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Should you bother with court? Hopefully you’re going there because their attorney offered $a/month, your attorney countered with $b/month (the amount they expect the court would award) and your stbxw declined.
Yes, that's right. Me: 2,079/mnth, Her: 600/mnth. At this stage I'd be happy with just covering the bills let alone anything else at around 1,600.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
If the difference between $a and $b is $50+/mo, going to court should be a win. I hope with your attorney you’re talking $$$ and odds, and only using vague terms like “good case” with us.
No, not really. I have asked the question and she says that I have a very good case but can't guarantee anything.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Worry about $$$ for smiley, not $$$ for attorney vs stbxw. Let them worry about themselves? (:
Yeah, it's just that a friend of mine keep saying that lawyers will suck me dry and that's how it feels. However he doesn't offer any other comment which can make it frustrating as he basically gives me the impression of "don't do that", but then not offering any other viewpoint.

About your mechanics - I had the same problem a few years back with my wheel sensor. Got quoted over £100 ($140) to replace it. Got one online for £10 ($14?) and did it myself smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,314
Likes: 52
T
Member
Online
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,314
Likes: 52
Originally Posted by smilie
My Lawyer gave me a few choices and I looked their credentials up. They varied from 1,500 - 2,100 - the highest price one being the best for my particular case.
Smilie, I would compare the rates and reviews of barristers you found on Yelp and from friends or acquaintances. Only comparing barristers your lawyer suggests is putting a lot of trust in them.



Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,385
Likes: 51
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,385
Likes: 51
Lawyers certainly are in it to make money. But that doesn't mean that aren't valuable or necessary. It's like having car trouble. You can claim a mechanic is too expensive, but you still need one

Unfortunately, D is a legal process and you need legal expertise to navigate it.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Yesterday:

I'm waiting for a reply from my lawyer. She sent me an email but I have so many questions it would be quicker to call.

In her email she said the it was the case that the judge looked at it, but then he decided for a hearing. So that wasn't an expected outcome.

She also stated: "I cannot give you a guarantee of an outcome, but I do consider it is very likely the court will make an order that stbxw pay you some level of interim maintenance, on the basis that her income has maintained you both for the last 6/7 years, and you are unable to work right now."

She also said: "The reason mediation wasn’t appropriate in your situation was due to the urgency of your situation - even if Teresa didn’t engage in mediation, it may have delayed your application by a month or more. The court might suggest you attend mediation after an interim order has been made"

-----

Today:

My lawyer replied but hasn't got capacity for telephone appointments today, however I need to make a decision on the barrister as she is going to inform my wife's lawyer today about the hearing and it is possible that my wife would choose the barrister that was recommended. So I had no choice but to go with the recommended barrister that can best fight my corner.

I have done loads of research on court appointed barristers and pro-bono, but they require a minimum of 3 weeks before the court hearing. Mine is in 2 weeks, so there was no alternative. Many other ones are trainee's and won't be able to support my case strongly enough, I feel. Timescales were too long also.

I have also realised that the hearing is by video link, so I will be at home alone, so there's another personal challenge.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,385
Likes: 51
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,385
Likes: 51
Smilie i really do not think your fixation on the court procedures, and awaiting rulings and decisions is healthy. I feel like you are stuck while you wait and not really GAL, self improving and detaching. I know finances are very stressful, but you have to keep moving forward.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 680
Likes: 24
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 680
Likes: 24
I'm with Steve on this. You have a tendency to hyper-fixate on the problems with out any fixed sight on things that are going right and what your next logical step is.

You will get an interim order. She was the bread winner. That's how this works. This is a good thing. You need this to fix a budget and move forward. 2 weeks is a great time line. In one month's time this will be settled you won't be biting your nails over finances. Things may still be a bit tight, but at least you'll have roof and you won't starve.

Next if the barrister situation is a take what you can get because you have a hearing in 2 weeks kind of situation so be it. Is there some law against you switching barristers later? If this one doesn't work out long term. Oh well. But you need some one now. There's some one available. This is also a good thing. You aren't being left in the wind to dangle. It's not ideal but it's not a bad thing either.

No mediation will not work right now. She's 100% correct on that. There's a good chance mediation won't work once the court orders it either. If you can't come to an agreement on anything just the two of you mediation has a snowball's chance in hell of working. In my personal opinion mediation is best suited for two parties who aren't particularly contentious but aren't really solid on how all this work or what the division of assets and liabilities should look like. Based on everything your saying it sounds like stbxw is going to drag this out and fight tooth and nail for literally everything. You will like have to resolve almost everything through a hearing. Which is expensive and unfortunate but it's likely the reality here. In most states if the more monied spouse drags things out like that they are required to pay a portion if not all of the less monied spouse's legal fees. Is that a thing over there for you guys?

Last, smilie, everyone's hearings are by video now. There are 18 months worth of jury trial back ups in most states for civil and criminal proceedings. Some are still not hearing jury trials over here. We have literally thrown out speedy trial Constitutional law because we had to. A lot of people have been working by video, teaching by video, going to school by video, doing interview, taking meetings, having happy hours by video, seeing their family members by video. People are buying homes by video at this point. I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to invalidate your feelings here. But we've all been doing this well over a year. It looks like in the US it'll likely be like 2 years in some places. Most places if we keep going the way we're going. This isn't a people have it worse conversation. This is a you're not special smilie conversation. I understand that it's hard. And I'm sure it's lending to your anxiety. But if you have the internet situation worked out you're not going to be alone. Everyone who is normally at that hearing will be there. There are breakout room options if necessary for clients and their lawyers. Most however like to communicate in real time via text. I'm sorry if you feel lonely, but this is what is happening every where to everyone. It don't know that you get to feel sorry for yourself when literally everyone is subjected to the same exact thing. I'm the one born with American exceptionalism and it's really very clear to me, my hardships with this pandemic are minimal at best. Every minor inconvenience I have to deal with every single other person in a 1st world country is dealing with too.

You have to stop tunneling in on what's wrong with a situation and try to take a 30,000 ft (9000 m) view on things in your life. Everything is dark and light. And somethings in there are just neutral. You need to find the neutral space and try to see the light. Existing in the darkness will only pull you down further. And this isn't toxic positivity. This is a person with chronic depression on several hundred mgs of antidepressants daily telling you this is a cycle, a thought pattern. And you can keep feeding the beast. Or you can try to claw your way out.

Last edited by wayfarer; 08/25/21 03:27 PM.
2 members like this: SteveLW, mako
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by wayfarer
You have a tendency to hyper-fixate on the problems with out any fixed sight on things that are going right and what your next logical step is
Maybe, but I really can't see that anything is going right - almost every day something else happens that makes things worse.

Steve says about detaching - I've been trying but how the h3ll do I do that? How can one detach from the problems? I've certainly managed to detach myself from my wife in the context of wanting her back and in fact, I just want her to leave me alone. I never thought I would ever feel like that towards her, but that's how much she has changed - or shown her real self.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
...you can keep feeding the beast. Or you can try to claw your way out.
I'm trying not to feed the beast and I'm certainly doing the clawing, that's for sure. I'm doing my damndess with the resources that I have.

The only pills I'm on is ones that {try} to help me sleep. They are trying to put me on anti-depressants but I'm not sure if I want to do this or not or whether they would be beneficial, based on my experience with them previously. The ones they are looking to put me on are better for anxiety and I have been on those before, but the concern is the effects on my neurological condition and the fact that medication of any type, makes my body extremely salty, making me gag as my skin, saliva, gums, etc goes really salty, smooth and sore - only ever since having this condition.

I have been worried about taking an SSRI. However, during my research, I found a medical paper that SSRI's can have a positive effect on Vestibular Migraine - why have I never been told this? So I am now wondering whether or not this will tackle both issues - Anxiety & VM! That would be brilliant if it did.

Every day since my wife left I shake. Each time something happens or there is something to worry about, I shake. Opening a letter, I shake. Even typing this and concentrating on something else, I shake. It will not stop.

I can't meet the rent after this month. I have a dental hygenist appointment tomorrow morning that my dental claim money was supposed to pay for, but seeing that is is now been taken I have to use my pension money, likewise for food and lawyers bills. The bit that is infuriating, is that all these legal bills would have paid rent somewhere else for an entire year already.

So this is why I worry - I have always been a worrier, but not like this. Being fixated on things is an interesting concept. I suppose this could be classed as fixation, but isn't this just being worried about something rather than being fixated?

My entire life has been thrust into instablility and I am doing what I can, well I think I am. I'm not sitting around moping or feeling sorry for myself, I'm actively trying to sort things out, even though I don't want to face them. I have spent days on the phone to various people trying to find information, days on the computer trying to get information for the divorce forms also and I have also been sorting things out in the house to pack up, throw away or sell. I have been looking for places to live, viewed 2 properties a couple of days ago and pledged my interest for one (even though it's not exactly what I really want, but better than a one-bed flat). I have just sold some stuff that has given me some food and fuel money that I no longer needed and there is some more stuff that I can get rid of also that I shall put up for sale by the weekend.

As far as GAL is concerned I have been on meetup groups online, meeting people a couple of days a week for a coffee and yes I could be doing more. This is the hardest thing ever, as I'm not sure what else to do as I really can't concentrate! How is it possible to concentrate on anything or have the time to do anything when I have so much to do already with this divorce stuff? It takes me forever, due to the fact I can't sit at my PC too long, although the past couple of days my neck hasn't been as bad as it usually is, but the tinnitus is off the scale.

Somebody has asked me if I could look at making a website for them, so that's something to focus on - I'm not a web developer but I do dabble, but they just want something simple which I could possibly do.

I have been meditating, forcing myself to watch and listen to podcasts and interviews in the evenings - things I used to love doing, but no longer do. I've been cooking meals (Beef stew yesterday in the slow cooker). I can't bring myself to watch a film or TV programme all at once though as I can't concentrate on it because of the anxiety - I have never experienced this is my entire life like this and it is very limiting and makes it dreadfully difficult.

GAL - The original plan was to exercise in the morning and do some study later in the day, socialise and build a social network - off and online, etc. Over the weeks I have had so much stress to deal with with the wife keeping pulling payments and her actions that there has always been something to deal with and it has stressed me no end - so this is where detachment comes in so that she can't push my buttons, I guess?

I'm doing the online networking, offline seems a bit harder. I met a friend for a chat last week and one this morning, which was nice and a small group on Sundays talking about other subjects. I also have a coffee arranged on Friday with a guy from a man's support group.

I do run out of time each day though and now the nights are pulling in the day's are shorter, going out later is not so enjoyable in the cold and dark.

The garden also needs addressing, so I'll need to do a bit of that each day over the next week or 2, that may take my mind of the court stuff and get the garden looking tidier and ready for moving. I have arranged for somebody to be here to have a chat afterwards, but they can't be in the room during the court appearance - I called the court to get the information yesterday as I was wondering about doing it from somewhere else, rather than at home.

I am aware that everything is by video link. All I was saying that in the in-person hearings, I would be there with people around me and could have even had a Mckenzie Friend for support. All I was referring to was that I will be on my own in a room without in-person support, which will feel horrible I'm sure.

I agree about taking a different perspective and viewing the big picture. All I see is my available funds going down and not having anything left to support my life past a few months. I can't change that and will know in 2 weeks exactly what the position is and there's nothing further I can do until then, apart from pay my lawyers invoices and hope the court rules some kind of maintenance and recovery of costs due to my wife not being open to agreement outside of court. This is what has been applied for.

From her point of view, I am now probably just an inconvenience that needs to be got rid of. How awful.

Anyway, yes it's difficult. I'm in a different place to what I was a few weeks back though, even if you guys can't see that (that was bad), but I'm still very worried. I desperately want to get a place to call home again, but even with this house I saw my lawyer has requested I ask the agent wait until the court case - I have, so that will be the second house I'll lose then. She has my best interests at heart I think even though it feels like she is shafting me - she charges so much!

One final note. Somebody told me today that it is probably a good thing that I haven't found anywhere to live and used my pension money to pay the annual rent up front. Not doing that keeps me in a position where I am technically homeless as my income does not pay the rent and if I were to rent a house (at a struggle too) the courts may see me as not technically homeless and able to financially support myself (which would give the wrong impression because I can't for a length of time) - so that makes a good argument.

I would be seriously open to any suggestions on detachment and GAL. I spend all the time doing other stuff. This divorce financial form is immense and I can't find all the information as my wife has removed it (pension policies, tax stuff, etc), I have my other pension has sent me a huge form as they are changing something and I have to fill in a bank mandate for my new phone/internet - for other people these are simple tasks, for me it takes ages - days sometimes. All I am saying is that how do I get the time? I work much slower than I used to and most people, due to not being able to think fast anymore (it's taken nearly 2 hours just to type this).

I have read the detachment thread and I just can't seem to find the gem hidden anywhere. I suppose the idea of finding the "Neutral Space" is the key and doing guided meditation should help that.

P.S. Next time I'm not typing as much smile Lol! It's just that I think I need to keep explaining things because it comes across that people have got the wrong idea about me - perhaps it's the other way round though and they haven't and it's me that has! Who knows.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 680
Likes: 24
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 680
Likes: 24
I'm not a doctor but you 100% have depression and chronic anxiety. You need medication and CBT. I mean that in the kindest terms possible. Take the medication they want you to try see what happens. Also there are dozens of anti-depressant. It's whole different world from the days when Prozac and lithium were the only options. The worst thing that can happen is it doesn't work and you try another until you find one that works for you and with your medical issues.

I went through several meds until I found what works for me. Most people do. The one I'm currently on actually exacerbates anxiety. But my anxiety is manageable without medication. My depression is not. I just have to be careful with caffeine. It has an upper in it which is why it makes anxiety worse. But that upper is what makes me get out of bed in the morning. And this one is weight neutral which is a blessing for me because I yoyo so bad with other issues I don't need any help from my meds. It's not perfect but it's the best fit. And I'm happy for it.

Worrying vs fixation. Worrying allows you to function and process, and do what every you need to do with out consuming you. Fixation is consuming. Untreated anxiety disorders generally don't allow people to worry they only fixate. Most people I know who consider themselves worriers, myself included, aren't actually life long worriers. They have a generalized anxiety disorder. Some anxiety is deeply internal. Totally self focused. They think every one hates them. They don't think they can do anything right. Some anxiety is external. The sky is falling, Chicken Little, kind of things. Some anxiety is a super fun grab bag of both. I think it's safe to assume you have the grab bag, buddy. It's normal to be worried when things are so uncertain. But there are little things I know Steve and I aren't the only ones noticing that point to you fixating instead of just the run of the mill anxiety over a huge life change like this.

Just a few other notes:

-Your GAL sounds really good considering. I'm proud of you for that.

-Very few people get out of a divorce rich. Most people take a pretty hard monetary hit. But money is temporary. In a year or two you'll be settled and none of this will matter the way it matters right now.

-Good lawyers aren't cheap. Cheap lawyers aren't good.

-Anything that makes you look desperate and like she basically robbed you and left you homeless and flailing will help you with that interim order. It is a good thing that you haven't found a place yet. There are silver linings here. You have to learn to hold on to them.

-Please consider the 5-5-5 rule. When you're struggling, worrying, feeling a little low for yourself ask yourself: will this matter in 5 days? 5 months? 5 years? If the answer is no then don't spend more than 5 mins worrying about it. With my teenagers I drop that down to 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks. (Teenage girls a just a dream, everyone should have one.) It's a really easy way to give yourself perspective and to keep yourself in check.

- Last about the court thing. Court is incredibly formal. Even more so over there. There's very little room for warm fuzzies or even real emotional support. Being able to talk to a friend afterwards will be really no different than if you were in person.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,335
Likes: 14
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,335
Likes: 14
Originally Posted by smilie
Every day since my wife left I shake. Each time something happens or there is something to worry about, I shake. Opening a letter, I shake. Even typing this and concentrating on something else, I shake. It will not stop.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Going through my divorce was more painful than the pain I felt when my brother passed away. During my healing, I learned that our bodies react to our thoughts. We may have repressed emotions, that involuntarily come out. Every time we think about something, we relive it and cause a reaction.

I learned to compartmentalize things. Finding balance in the different parts of my life. Controlling my thoughts instead of letting them control me. I would find time to let my emotions out. We are emotional beings and they need to come out. Finding ways to relief the stress is important as well.

Can you schedule time to just be, no thinking? Watching the sunset from a park, or feeding birds or watching children play at a park? Walking the streets and just observing? Does the shaking stop?

Same thing for crying? Can you find time to just let the tears flow? When you stop, does the shaking lessen or stop?


Just throwing some ideas out there for you to consider.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,385
Likes: 51
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,385
Likes: 51
Originally Posted by smilie
From her point of view, I am now probably just an inconvenience that needs to be got rid of. How awful.

smile this is not detachment. Detachment is not caring what she says, thinks, or does. It isn't caring what her POV is let alone thinking that it is awful. I know you think you're detached, and I know you think you don't want her back. But it is incongruent to say you don't want her back, and you want her to leave you alone, but that it is awful that she sees you as an inconvenience.

As far as typing so much. Please keep it up! This is what this board is for. I feel like, other than the contradiction on detachment, that was one of your best most recent do posts.

Finally, when the worry and anxiety hit remember that this too shall pass. In a year all this stuff you're worrying about will be meaningless.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard