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Hi Mako,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. That's a great, healthy sentiment there--"We will have a relationship for at least the next 14 years so I hope we can at least communicate and be on the same page for parenting." The kids may be parented slightly differently at each house, and that's okay, letting go of some control is part of this process. Hopefully, you can at least back each other up and work through differences for the items you need to coordinate on (daycares, schools, projects, medical visits and procedures, or sports). It's great you're able to think about this so early on.



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Originally Posted by wayfarer
LH I have to disagree with you here. It wasn't accountability it was intention. There was so little time in this situation that demanding MR or anything else wouldn't have made a difference.
It's ok to disagree with me as long as you don't call me an a-hole lol. Probably wouldn't have made a difference in the outcome but there is a difference in going out with strength or going out weak. I wish I would have gone out strong.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
And likely would've been seen as pressure and just closed the door sooner. She was never all in. I was clear that I was concerned about that. I think everyone was. She did what most WS/WAS do.
I agree but put her to the test. You want to work on the marriage then show me.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
She said things she didn't mean to buy time to decide. As you said a stay of execution.
Right. You never want to give them time to decide. Are you in or are you out?
Originally Posted by wayfarer
But I think that stay of execution helped mako figure out what he wants and needs, and stbxw isn't it.
He would have eventually figured that out anyway.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I'm sorry mako. It's unfortunate to have some hope and to have it all come crashing down. But like LH said you do have really little kids you have a long road ahead of you with stbxw. There's a lot of room for a lot of things to happen. Or maybe like my first MR maybe this is the best thing for everyone. Only time will tell.
Wait until she has some dating encounters with weirdos. I believe Mako's main issues were affection. She's about to see some real issues lol. Right G-money?

This is just another sad story where three kids are going to suffer because their mom looks at Facebook too much or watches too many rom-com movies. Very sad!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Mako,

1. What are your current GAL activities?
2. You are correct in your first post in this thread - you do not want someone who doesn't want you.
3. Your kids will come out of this just fine. Be the best parent on the planet and make it so.
4. Keep the house if financially possible, you will be happy you did. You can always reevaluate later.
5. Response to your first post - No fighting with your W. Always stay cool and in control. No fighting.
6. No mention of counseling or reconciliation. Shhhhhhh.
7. Also as to W, STFU about anything other than business/logistics.
8. Re: any request from W you are not prepared to discuss - "I'll have to think about that".
9. ABA Always Be Attractive. Don't be unattractive. Be a strong man. Be strong.
10. You are not a victim.
11. When your W gets COVID again and wants to rethink D because she's sick, be skeptical.
12. Hey have I asked you What are your current GAL activities?

Hang in there.


H: 52 W:40
M: 8 T:12
S(8) D(5)
BD: 10/18 (ILYBINILWY)
IHS: 1/19
W filed D: 4/19
Physical Separation 8/19
Joined: Oct 2007
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Hi Gekko.

Originally Posted by Gekko
Mako,

1. What are your current GAL activities?
...
12. Hey have I asked you What are your current GAL activities?
GAL is always a weakness of mine, I workout regularly and do other things here and there but not a ton. At the same time, as I understand it GAL is for me and my amounts are sufficient for me. I spend a lot of time with the kids.

Originally Posted by Gekko
2. You are correct in your first post in this thread - you do not want someone who doesn't want you.
Yep, this is a key that every LBS needs to realize. At the start we mostly romanticize the M and remember only the good parts, which is usually only half the story. But even if it was all good what matters for the future is how everybody is going to be, not how they were.

And really, for at least 3 years I’ve lived with someone who is neutral at best, showing little love or kindness or support, and at worst someone highly critical with vast amounts of anger and resentment that often seep out. So what am I doing here if that's all I'm going to see?

Originally Posted by Gekko
3. Your kids will come out of this just fine. Be the best parent on the planet and make it so.
4. Keep the house if financially possible, you will be happy you did. You can always reevaluate later.
Agree, they will do fine if we do our jobs as parents (which really isn't any different than if we stayed M, the parents have to do their jobs) so that's my priority. We've both now agreed that I'll keep the house. Like you said, I can always reevaluate, but I can't change my mind later if I sell it. So for now I will keep it.

Originally Posted by Gekko
5. Response to your first post - No fighting with your W. Always stay cool and in control. No fighting.
This is good advice. It's tough to stay cool when someone blows up at you, and I often feel a need to defend myself, but I know it's not necessary. This is a good 180 for me, in general, to just pick my battles and not need to win or be right all the time.

Originally Posted by Gekko
6. No mention of counseling or reconciliation. Shhhhhhh.
...
11. When your W gets COVID again and wants to rethink D because she's sick, be skeptical.
Right, I am not interested at this point, that ship has sailed. I said we should have been doing that, not that we should.

If she changes her mind again…I am not making a decision right now, I don’t have to and I will think on it if the time ever comes. But if I were to take her back I would have a list of requirements that I didn’t have last time.


Originally Posted by Gekko
7. Also as to W, STFU about anything other than business/logistics.
8. Re: any request from W you are not prepared to discuss - "I'll have to think about that".
Yeah, that is basically how I've been. Like a neutral coworker basically.

Originally Posted by Gekko
9. ABA Always Be Attractive. Don't be unattractive. Be a strong man. Be strong.
10. You are not a victim.
No I'm not a victim, and playing one isn't attractive. I was definitely part of the problem and need to work on those parts, including being a more attractive me. I have attracted women before and am sure I’ll be able to do so again, though it’s something I will have to work on as I'm out of practice. But I'll be fine, I know things that need improvement on my end.

Brief update: Not much has changed. W went from “I will probably sign a lease tomorrow” to still looking 3 weeks later. We also will need to change our agreement, as our original was to sell the house, so I have been pushing on that, now she is the one slowing down. In my state D can be filed once we have an agreement, but with no agreement we need a year separation, so until the agreement is worked out we are just in a holding pattern. I have been looking forward to the future quite a bit lately and am ready for her to leave and get started on my new life.


Me: 43 W: 41
Together 2009, Married 2011
Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5
Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
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"It's tough to stay cool when someone blows up at you, and I often feel a need to defend myself, but I know it's not necessary. This is a good 180 for me, in general, to just pick my battles and not need to win or be right all the time."
___________________________________

Staying cool when someone is unleashing their emotional storm on you is the ultimate display of strength. This is true in a MR or any other R, including work Rs, etc. In an even broader sense, staying cool in any stormy, stressful situation, is the ultimate display of strength. Emotional strength, composure, mental toughness, control. This is true strength.

There is almost never a need to defend yourself other than physically. Verbal defense equates to defensiveness and this is getting into what should not be done which is arguing. No arguing. Why is there not a need to defend yourself? Because your W cannot hurt you. She does not have that power unless you give it to her, and you should not. She is not a threat, and if not then there is nothing to defend against. And as a corollary, there is no need to pick battles as there are no battles. Again, battles sound like arguing.

Also when I wrote don't be a victim I just want to be clear that I was not suggesting that you have been playing the victim card, I was just making a general point so with that said my hope is you did not take that comment as a personal critique. The big point of the victim reference in terms of not being one is I believe there is great value in the post-BD struggle to take responsibility and might i go so far as to say focus only on your responsibility, even if just as a mental exercise. AKA "Hey I married her, it was my choice, no gun to the head, i saw the red flags, I should have known better, I did xyz wrong in the R, etc etc" Take ownership, there is alot of power in ownership. Again Mako this point is not a specific comment to you aka "Mako is ducking responsibility", but as a general thought as I ramble here.

Keep on keep on man, the future is limitless.


H: 52 W:40
M: 8 T:12
S(8) D(5)
BD: 10/18 (ILYBINILWY)
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Originally Posted by Gekko
what should not be done which is arguing. No arguing.
When I feel that urge to argue, I focus on relaxing myself and switch to listen and validate mode. That instantly changes the dynamics. People want to be herd and understood.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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I’ve been gone a long time, figured I’d come back and do an update.

After basically dropping the second bomb the end of July, W finally moved out in October. She is about 45 minutes away, and we each have the kids every other week. The older two go to school near my house so on her weeks she brings them over in the morning and picks them up after. That’s really nice cause I get to see them every school day. The youngest goes to day care close to my house, but I don’t usually see her.

At first we were selling the house, then I was going to keep it and buy her out, and now I am going to sell it again. It is too big and the land is too much to take care of with one person, we’ve only been here less than 4 years so I’m not very attached, and I don’t particularly like the area. I actually like W’s area, there is a lot more to do there and we used to live there so I am familiar with it. I also dislike being so far from the kids, and it would be 45 minutes closer to my dad and the rest of my family. So I’m thinking of moving around there. I think it would be better for both me and the kids (me a place I like more, the kids not having to commute so far half of the school days).

I told W early on that D is her want so she needs to deal with the logistics. We have a separation agreement from last March so the financial stuff is agreed to and D wouldn’t be hard, we will just need to have a lawyer finalize certain things with my pension and retirement accounts. I am not in a rush because once it happens I will be paying her almost $2000/month (state formula based on incomes), so if she wants that she can deal with it. She is lazy and I can see it dragging on like this for some time. Whatever, we are D in my mind so it doesn’t matter when it officially happens. I think morally I would not date while still married but I am not ready to date yet so it doesn't matter.

We don’t interact much. We discuss logistics with the kids, most often by text, and that’s about it. Like I said she does drop off/pick up every day on her weeks, but half the time she doesn’t even get out of the car. We still don’t communicate all that well, the biggest problem of our marriage, but I think we do enough as necessary for the kids.

One of the more interesting things, to me, is that I am not at all attracted to her anymore. As of last May or June I was still very attracted to her, but now that is not there at all. I think that’s a very good sign for how my detachment has gone.

How am I doing? I am ok. Being a single parent of three is a lot of work, so on my weeks I am mostly swamped. On my off weeks I have been mostly fixing up various things prepping to sell the house. I am very much an introvert and I don’t need a lot socially, but I have been getting out there a little and doing enough GAL for me. I still get sad sometimes. But I find I’m not missing what I had as much as I’m missing what I wanted—I always realize that what I had wasn’t cutting it and I'm idealizing things. I am in IC and that’s going fine.

The kids are doing worse than me. The middle one seems fine and never talks about any of this. At least once a week the youngest asks me when Mommy and Daddy will live together again and then goes on about how she wishes that would happen. The oldest has gotten violent at school at times and got suspended once, and he has explicitly said he’s acting out cause he's mad that we are splitting up. He’s in IC too now so I hope he can work through that. I think a lot of times when I get sad I’m sad for the life that I wanted them to have that I know they now won’t. I can do my best for them but nothing will be the same as having their parents together as a loving family. I know I will be alright, they are still my biggest concern in all this.


Me: 43 W: 41
Together 2009, Married 2011
Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5
Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
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M,

Great to hear from you and I am really sorry what is going on with your children. Hopefully they will start to adjust. Sounds like you are doing well. Do you think it’s because this isn’t your first rodeo? Wow your stbxw travels 45 mins everyday on her week so it’s an extra hour and a half out of her day. So as always I am curious if an om has popped up?

Anyways thanks for popping in for an update. Another very sad story we’re three children have to suffer because a persons expectations were not met. Take care Mako.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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mako, great update!

One clarification, GAL is less about being social, and more about staying busy. So find GAL activities that are not social. I am an omnivert, and as I age am trending more and more towards the introvert side of that. So I focused on a lot of GAL activities that were solo in nature. Hunting, ATVing, the gun range, reading, watching movies and videos. Things that kept me busy but weren't inherently social, and in some cases were quite solitude in nature. I encourage you to do similar. I know a lot of the GAL advice centers on being social, but it doesn't have to be.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Thanks LH. I do think I'm doing pretty well. I think part of it is not my first rodeo, part of it is that the M was slowly dying for a long time so I kind of did a lot of the grieving for the M already. It's been almost 4 years that I've been thinking we are probably heading toward a D, BD wasn't exactly a surprise you know? I've been in IC off and on since 2019 which I'm sure helps too.

I'm also shocked that she does this commute all the time. And it's worse than just commuting because it's here and back twice, so 3 hours a day in the car on her week. Can't imagine her gas expense. [censored] for the kids to spend so much time in the car too. She claimed there were no reasonable places to rent near by, I looked a bit and thought her standards were too high and also thought she was biased because one of her friends from work lives near there, who knows? I have no idea if an OM exists, I wouldn't be surprised since if you recall she was buying new lingerie and carrying around condoms a year ago so why not now. But I wouldn't know, I see her house for about 5 minutes every two weeks and on my weeks with the kids we don't talk unless something comes up with them. At this point it doesn't matter anyway.

Steve, thanks, good point about the GAL. I think you're right that being busy is the key, however that works out, just get out of the house and enjoy yourself. I enjoy various outdoor things, which can be a little tougher in the winter time but the weather should be turning shortly. I do feel like I'm constantly busy so I am probably doing alright.


Me: 43 W: 41
Together 2009, Married 2011
Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5
Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
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