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Thanks BL, appreciate it. There great thing about this community is knowing that others are going through or have going through the same thing and understand how you feel. And also seeing that the ones ahead of you are doing well.

I got a response from STBXW which was the usual spiteful vitriol of how this was my fault, how she can’t get past the things that I’ve done, basically how she’s the victim. I don’t know why I expected anything different.

I just politely responded that I didn’t want her to file alone because it would mean court, and that I would pay the $500 to avoid this. No response.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I got a response from STBXW which was the usual spiteful vitriol of how this was my fault, how she can’t get past the things that I’ve done, basically how she’s the victim.
Sounds like she's projecting. I've learned a lot of psychology terminology over the past year and a half ;-)

"Psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which the ego defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves and attributing them to others."


Me:39 Ex-W:37
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BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I got a response from STBXW which was the usual spiteful vitriol of how this was my fault, how she can’t get past the things that I’ve done, basically how she’s the victim. I don’t know why I expected anything different.

I just politely responded that I didn’t want her to file alone because it would mean court, and that I would pay the $500 to avoid this. No response.
Did you validate her feelings?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I got a response from STBXW which was the usual spiteful vitriol of how this was my fault, how she can’t get past the things that I’ve done, basically how she’s the victim. I don’t know why I expected anything different.

I just politely responded that I didn’t want her to file alone because it would mean court, and that I would pay the $500 to avoid this. No response.
Did you validate her feelings?
Bent do not ever validate BS.


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Don't validate BS, do validate feelings. wink

@BL42 - I mostly agree with you on the SaltyDog thread. It's locked so I couldn't like or reply.



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Don't validate BS, do validate feelings. wink
Agree.

Statements like this:
"Sounds like you are angry. Is this how you feel?"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Hey OB,
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
It just feels after all the my hard work and progress, I am reliving the hurt and pain all over again, maybe this is normal. I am still as determined as ever to do all the right things but days like today are hard. Having been in lockdown for almost 2 months now doesn't help.
The hurt and pain don't ever totally disappear. Divorce, recon, re-marry. You just grow around that pain, and as you grow it feels smaller and smaller. It's becomes less bitter, less pointed. This process isn't linear. Healing is a journey. Your hard work is still all intact. I promise. It was just a bad day or days.

I was very happy with now H and on my way to marriage when exH got a new girlfriend who literally turned him into everything I needed him to be for years. It hurt. It still hurts. But I wouldn't have left my new life. I would've rather jumped off a bridge than go back, but it hurt like hell knowing he was capable of being the person I needed him to be, the person I met and fell in love with. Not the person who made me miserable for years by dragging me into his misery. He eventually reverted, we're on like post D gf number 3 who is just a treat (that's sarcasm btw). That relationship and the mother of your child will affect you a long time, maybe forever, but that doesn't mean you're weak, or your progress is gone, or that you wish you were still together. It's normal. It's expected. And it's totally ok.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I got a response from STBXW which was the usual spiteful vitriol of how this was my fault, how she can’t get past the things that I’ve done, basically how she’s the victim. I don’t know why I expected anything different.
Yeah dropping expectations is kind of a life long DBing thing. As far as I know dealing with an unreasonable ex it's best to keep expectations for them on the floor and then you're always pleasantly surprised instead of angry or disappointed. At least that's what works for me, H and a lot of friends of mine.

Also don't expect her to be reasonable any time soon. Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe she'll snap out of it and she'll accept that you both failed the MR, but don't count on it. My exH went around telling people he kicked me out because I was a cheating wh*re. I had ended the affair more than 3 years before I left. And god did he love that story ignoring the fact that I cheated for the exact same reasons as I left, because he was a drunk and an addict, because he wouldn't appropriately address his mental health issues. Because of the mental, emotional, and financial abuse he subjected me to. The fact that I was a single parent but somehow married. Or that I was regularly abandoned so he could party. Or how about that our bedroom was basically dead. A year before my affair and the entire year of the affair. And for almost 2 years before I left. But I was lying, cheating, wh*re. And he still stands by that's the reason for the divorce if he's ever asked. It is what it is, man. I've accepted that that's his truth. Doesn't make it reality, but it's his reality.

I'm with LH in the don't validate BS. If she comes at you with something is patently untrue feel free to correct her. I absolutely never validated things that were bald faced lies. But if she's just kind of emotionally dumping this is a good time for the phrase I loath "I'm sorry you feel that way." I think it's one of the most patronizing things you can say to another adult, but honestly when people get like this there's not much else you can say. You are validating but you aren't taking ownership of her feelings either. You're sorry she's frustrated and angry and that she thinks this is all your fault. But you're not sorry. Because you aren't the one and only reason she's feeling like that right now. You have nothing to personally apologize for.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I just politely responded that I didn’t want her to file alone because it would mean court, and that I would pay the $500 to avoid this. No response.
There's a school of thought for some people on here to not give them an inch. Don't pay them to leave you. Don't give them a dime more than you have to. Going through what I went through with exH and what I prepared myself for with H was that I'd be willing to spend what I needed to to get what I wanted, which was out on my terms.

With exH that meant what ever I could fit in my car with me and my daughter and absolutely nothing else. I paid to file. I did what ever I had to do to be done. I just wanted out as quickly as possible and the only thing I was willing to fight over was debt and our kid. The debt was fully his, and he wasn't capable of having her 1/2 time. I got lucky he just accepted it. Our D process went really quickly. I literally was living like I was 20 while I was about to turn 30. I had nothing but I had my freedom and my sanity and that was worth way more to me than having to start over.

Point of all that being, seriously, financial health is temporary. Mental health leaves a much deeper longer scar and it costs a lot on the back end to fix, at least here, you know our health care isn't the greatest...lol. I needed my mind and soul intact more than I need things, a healthy bank account, or even what I was technically owed. Do what's best for you regardless even if it's not the best money move. If you just want this over and that $500 gets you there faster, by all means pay it. If in the midst of the divorce it's easier on your stress levels to give her something she wants even though she really shouldn't have it just do it. Kids are a hill to die on. Poverty is a hill to die on. If it won't starve you or make you homeless. If it won't harm your kids or your relationship with them there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things that on the surface don't like like they are in your best interest. You know what's best for you. Trust that.

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I got a response from STBXW which was the usual spiteful vitriol of how this was my fault, how she can’t get past the things that I’ve done, basically how she’s the victim. I don’t know why I expected anything different.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
But if she's just kind of emotionally dumping this is a good time for the phrase I loath "I'm sorry you feel that way." I think it's one of the most patronizing things you can say to another adult, but honestly when people get like this there's not much else you can say. You are validating but you aren't taking ownership of her feelings either. You're sorry she's frustrated and angry and that she thinks this is all your fault.

Validating ones feelings is much more effective in person. But in the cases when there is only email communication, might be a way to let the other person know that you understand how they feel. Since you used the term "usual spiteful vitriol" , it may be worth trying the next time it happens.


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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Did you validate her feelings?
Bent do not ever validate BS.

I did not validate her feelings because there were no feelings and what she said wasn't true.

She is upset that I accused her of being a bad mother. She called me 2 months ago and asked me that question, I said no, but I do think that she's done things that have made me question her judgement on occasion. That's my opinion and I won't change on that. On that call I had actually told her that I had always thought she was great Mum.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
The hurt and pain don't ever totally disappear. Divorce, recon, re-marry. You just grow around that pain, and as you grow it feels smaller and smaller. It's becomes less bitter, less pointed. This process isn't linear. Healing is a journey. Your hard work is still all intact. I promise. It was just a bad day or days.

Thanks, this is helpful to hear. Strangely after her angry email, I felt at peace. I have no idea why.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I was very happy with now H and on my way to marriage when exH got a new girlfriend who literally turned him into everything I needed him to be for years. It hurt. It still hurts. But I wouldn't have left my new life. I would've rather jumped off a bridge than go back, but it hurt like hell knowing he was capable of being the person I needed him to be, the person I met and fell in love with. Not the person who made me miserable for years by dragging me into his misery.

I have changed a lot, and I've said before I was never the perfect H, I didn't take care of the things that I should have (in a way that is so amazingly expressed in the MBTTR blogs). So no doubt my ST'BXW will have this feeling as well, she's even said as much (and that it happened with the BF before me). I have already felt this, seen her be fun and outgoing with OM, h3ll, even the fact she has sex with him makes me wish I had got that as well. So I get it from both sides.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Also don't expect her to be reasonable any time soon. Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe she'll snap out of it and she'll accept that you both failed the MR, but don't count on it. My exH went around telling people he kicked me out because I was a cheating wh*re. I had ended the affair more than 3 years before I left. And god did he love that story ignoring the fact that I cheated for the exact same reasons as I left, because he was a drunk and an addict, because he wouldn't appropriately address his mental health issues. Because of the mental, emotional, and financial abuse he subjected me to. The fact that I was a single parent but somehow married. Or that I was regularly abandoned so he could party. Or how about that our bedroom was basically dead. A year before my affair and the entire year of the affair. And for almost 2 years before I left. But I was lying, cheating, wh*re. And he still stands by that's the reason for the divorce if he's ever asked. It is what it is, man. I've accepted that that's his truth. Doesn't make it reality, but it's his reality.

She's wavered between being reasonable and unreasonable. I was lucky and grateful to get a quick and fair property settlement. But blaming me for things and failing to recognise her compulsive lying and hurtful behaviour is a different story. I understand that its her reality but it is difficult to see a completely biased, at times untruthful, story being thrown around to people that I was close to. I have no way of knowing what they believe and guess it doesn't matter anyway.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Point of all that being, seriously, financial health is temporary. Mental health leaves a much deeper longer scar and it costs a lot on the back end to fix, at least here, you know our health care isn't the greatest...lol. I needed my mind and soul intact more than I need things, a healthy bank account, or even what I was technically owed. Do what's best for you regardless even if it's not the best money move. If you just want this over and that $500 gets you there faster, by all means pay it. If in the midst of the divorce it's easier on your stress levels to give her something she wants even though she really shouldn't have it just do it. Kids are a hill to die on. Poverty is a hill to die on. If it won't starve you or make you homeless. If it won't harm your kids or your relationship with them there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things that on the surface don't like like they are in your best interest. You know what's best for you. Trust that.

Yep, the $500 wasn't worth fighting over. I held this principle that I shouldn't have to pay for something that I never wanted, but I don't need to endure this fight to know that I tried my best with the tools that I had at the time.

I offered to pay half and her response today was "I don't care if I have to go to court, I will do it myself". I don't think there is anything to reply, but would be open to suggestions or thoughts.

Last edited by OnlyBent; 08/18/21 06:42 AM.

Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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