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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
She was generally a pretty kind and generous person, but she has always had a nasty, vindictive and spiteful streak that has come out to varying degrees over the years. I had seen it when someone had wronged her and she had a "they're dead to me" kind of attitude. I was never blind to this. For a number of reasons, moving to a new city for my work, stress of raising S4, finding her Mum dead, her unhappiness and resentment toward me grew and grew and out came that nasty person, towards me anyway. She has continued to be that nicer person to most others in her life, even more so once we fell apart.

I don't think she lied about it being to painful to begin with, but at some point it turned into lost attraction but she didn't communicate this to me, so I carried on thinking it was a physical issue. So when OM came along, of course it was easy for her to have sex again.

Man this resonated deeply with me, I hear so many parallels to the behavior of my STBXW.

I guess in my case I assume the pattern is likely to repeat. I see my XW as someone trying so hard to be happy, but not being happy inside (could be just seeing things through my own lens). I think the biggest red flag I missed when I met my XW was how poorly she spoke of all her prior BF's. 0% responsibility.

I don't want to overly project my sitch onto yours, but I concluded a long time ago that my XW was not going to be the type to eventually have regrets and want to reconcile and it sounds like you feel the same way about your X.

My X and I had cold-fish sex about once every 2 months for the past 5 years of our MR. Same thing as you. I don't think "attract her back" was going to resolve everything going on.

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent


I don't think she lied about it being to painful to begin with, but at some point it turned into lost attraction but she didn't communicate this to me, so I carried on thinking it was a physical issue. So when OM came along, of course it was easy for her to have sex again.


This is great insight here. Likely she did have some pain, but I would guess at some point it became more of an excuse, due to the lack of attraction, than the truth. You just assumed that your SSM was due to the physical reason and didn't see all of the things the experts like MWD point out that lead to a SSM.

I know in my own sitches, both the one in 2005 and the one in 2017, my W for years in both cases claimed that she never liked sex (rewriting history). But it became apparent that she did like and missed it with her messages to your EAPs in those sitches. I think there is a defense mechanism that kicks in for the low drive spouse in SSM where even they believe their untruth as to why they don't want to have sex with their spouse. So was it not true that sex was so painful that she didn't want it? No. But in her mind that may have seemed true to her even though the underlying reasons for the SSM were actually other things.

All water under the proverbial bridge at this point, OB. But I think LH hits on a very important topic. WASs often rewrite history that the R was 100% horrible with no redeeming qualities. LBSs often rewrite history that the R was perfect in every way. The truth, obviously is somewhere in the middle. WF was right, there is nothing wrong with remembering the good times fondly. Heck, I even do that sometimes reminiscing about exGFs that I date prior to meeting my W. Obviously those Rs weren't "perfect" because they all came to an end eventually, but that doesn't mean there were some good times to be remembered fondly.

OB, I like that you quoted WF in your last post where she said you are on the path to peace! That is your current purpose in life to find that peaceful place. You've got this!


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Originally Posted by unchien
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
She was generally a pretty kind and generous person, but she has always had a nasty, vindictive and spiteful streak that has come out to varying degrees over the years. I had seen it when someone had wronged her and she had a "they're dead to me" kind of attitude. I was never blind to this. For a number of reasons, moving to a new city for my work, stress of raising S4, finding her Mum dead, her unhappiness and resentment toward me grew and grew and out came that nasty person, towards me anyway. She has continued to be that nicer person to most others in her life, even more so once we fell apart.

I don't think she lied about it being to painful to begin with, but at some point it turned into lost attraction but she didn't communicate this to me, so I carried on thinking it was a physical issue. So when OM came along, of course it was easy for her to have sex again.

Man this resonated deeply with me, I hear so many parallels to the behavior of my STBXW.

I guess in my case I assume the pattern is likely to repeat. I see my XW as someone trying so hard to be happy, but not being happy inside (could be just seeing things through my own lens). I think the biggest red flag I missed when I met my XW was how poorly she spoke of all her prior BF's. 0% responsibility.

I don't want to overly project my sitch onto yours, but I concluded a long time ago that my XW was not going to be the type to eventually have regrets and want to reconcile and it sounds like you feel the same way about your X.

My X and I had cold-fish sex about once every 2 months for the past 5 years of our MR. Same thing as you. I don't think "attract her back" was going to resolve everything going on.


Lots of absolutes here unchien. And things you have no way of really knowing for sure. If you had caught on that something wasn't right in the attraction department and been able to 180 on bad behaviors before it was too late, who knows? Like my favorite bald Texan TV therapist says: "Becoming the best spouse that you can be certainly isn't going to make things worse."

I think the problem I have with this post is that most LBSs are so sure their WASs cannot ever change their mind. Yet they have. Even after standing up before God and witnesses to proclaim their undying love and devotion on the wedding day, at some point they changed their mind and decided to walkaway from the marriage. If they made such a big change of mind before, logic dictates that they can do it again. Likely you won't be open to it by then, but it certainly can, and often does, happen.

Last edited by SteveLW; 07/27/21 01:44 PM.

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Originally Posted by BL42
CWarrior - Option #1 made me smile LOL. That's a fun scenario for any guy thinking of OM :-) I'm guessing you hit the mark with #3, maybe a bit #2 mixed in as well. It's possible she really does have a condition but the newness/excitement is masking it...for now. But in a year or two (or whenever) that same condition / her behaviors will more than likely revert back to before and OM may very well be put into the same SSM situation OB was during his marriage.

I'd say the condition started physical then became psychological. It took the excitement of someone new pressing her buttons for her to realise it was no longer physical or psychological. If OM keeps her happy then the SSM will stay away, good luck to him I guess. I won't lie, it still hurts sometimes to think she had more sex with him in a few weeks than we did in our whole 11 years of M, but I have to learn to live with that, I can't change it.

Originally Posted by BL42
OnlyBent - Lots of sports talk on here...not sure if you follow the Olympics / swimming, but I watch the Australian Terminator Ariarne Titmus knock off our US Katie Ledecky last night in the 400m. Congrats to your country on that one!

We're funny about our swimming here, no one gives a sh!t about it until its Olympics time, and we love nothing better than beating the Yanks. I can't remember, was it Athens or Beijing, when we beat the US mens relay team after they talked a whole bunch of smack, and played the air guitars. I am a big sports fan BL, the NBA is about the only US sport I watch but I'm big into cricket and AFL here. That said I've had many a fun day at the baseball in the US.


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Thanks SteveLW, I feel so much better than a year ago, I'm excited by how I'll feel another year from now.

Last edited by OnlyBent; 08/03/21 06:01 AM.

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Originally Posted by unchien
I guess in my case I assume the pattern is likely to repeat. I see my XW as someone trying so hard to be happy, but not being happy inside (could be just seeing things through my own lens). I think the biggest red flag I missed when I met my XW was how poorly she spoke of all her prior BF's. 0% responsibility.

I don't know whether my STBXW is happy or not, whether she is trying hard to be happy, there has to be a reason she has made the choices she has, irrational or not. I miss the companionship, someone to share things with but I have to come to realise that if I had really examined my life and myself, I would have realised that we weren't right for each other.

Originally Posted by unchien
I don't want to overly project my sitch onto yours, but I concluded a long time ago that my XW was not going to be the type to eventually have regrets and want to reconcile and it sounds like you feel the same way about your X.

My instincts says no, she will never have regrets and/or want to R, but then I don't really know. I never thought she'd leave and move on with someone else either, so I got that wrong as well.

I don't really care to be honest, I just want her gone, not in a malicious way, I just don't want to be involved with her. Life is unpredictable and the one thing that seems to be guaranteed is change.


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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I don't really care to be honest, I just want her gone, not in a malicious way, I just don't want to be involved with her.
This is how I feel three years after D. I had to see my EXW at a family wedding this weekend. The first time I had seen her in about a year and a half. My kids are older and with COVID there were no sports or school activities. I said hi to her and that was it. I didn't feel anger or really anything maybe just a little sorry for her. It was her families wedding and I was accepted as if I never left. She could never set foot in my families setting. Anyways I wish her no ill will just to go away, be a good mom and don't affect my life in any way.


Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Life is unpredictable and the one thing that seems to be guaranteed is change.
One of my favorite quotes is "Life is about how you handle plan B".

Your doing great! Keep moving forward.


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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I don't know whether my STBXW is happy or not, whether she is trying hard to be happy, there has to be a reason she has made the choices she has, irrational or not. I miss the companionship, someone to share things with but I have to come to realise that if I had really examined my life and myself, I would have realised that we weren't right for each other.

You don't know, and you shouldn't care. Her happiness is her responsibility. If you still love her you certainly don't want her to be unhappy. But some of the best feedback I got in my situation was that my W, when she went into walk-away mode, was just trying to find and be happy. It really helped me understand that her actions were less about me than I thought, even if I was vastly affected by those actions.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
My instincts says no, she will never have regrets and/or want to R, but then I don't really know. I never thought she'd leave and move on with someone else either, so I got that wrong as well.

I don't really care to be honest, I just want her gone, not in a malicious way, I just don't want to be involved with her. Life is unpredictable and the one thing that seems to be guaranteed is change.

OB, your instincts have no idea of knowing. Likely she has already had regrets, but she will never let you know that! As you say, you were wrong about other things.

But I like your last paragraph best. Whether she is happy or not. Has regrets or not. You don't care! Because you are moving forward with your life, healthy and happy! Onward and upward. You've got this.


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4 days behind schedule, but as expected, I got the request for D from the STBXW. I must admit I'm grateful that unlike last time she tried, this time she didn't just send me the pre-completed D form. She emailed and asked if I would do it jointly and split the costs or would I make her apply solely. It has now been a year since she moved out so legally its allowed. I don't want to make her apply solely because that would mean court attendance and more cost, I am happy to complete the form jointly but I don't feel its fair to pay for something I never wanted. Its $1,000.

I wrote to her saying I understand that she wants to D and that I would never want to keep someone in something they didn't want to be in but that my preference from the beginning was to try and work on the M. I would complete the form but didn't feel that I should have to pay for half. No reply as yet.

I was prepared for today, but even so, it has evoked a lot of sadness and loneliness. I must admit, I've regressed to trying to understand something that I will never understand. What I do understand is that she is so moved on it is not funny. If you ever want to know what full detachment looks like, just look at the WAS who is running as fast as they can. I am not there yet, today it feels like not even close.

I am trying to not be too harsh on myself, August is a big month. She moved out a year ago in August, my S has his bday, my STBXW has her bday (last year being her 40th which I was so looking forward to doing some amazing things with her), and this August will be the second anniversary of my MIL passing away whom I considered family.

It just feels after all the my hard work and progress, I am reliving the hurt and pain all over again, maybe this is normal. I am still as determined as ever to do all the right things but days like today are hard. Having been in lockdown for almost 2 months now doesn't help.


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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I was prepared for today, but even so, it has evoked a lot of sadness and loneliness. I must admit, I've regressed to trying to understand something that I will never understand. What I do understand is that she is so moved on it is not funny. If you ever want to know what full detachment looks like, just look at the WAS who is running as fast as they can. I am not there yet, today it feels like not even close.
Sorry OnlyBent. It's understandable you're emotional about the latest news. Objectively you knew it was likely coming, but emotionally it still hurts.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
It just feels after all the my hard work and progress, I am reliving the hurt and pain all over again, maybe this is normal. I am still as determined as ever to do all the right things but days like today are hard. Having been in lockdown for almost 2 months now doesn't help.
I think you have made progress, but that doesn't mean there aren't pain points or bumps in the road. I was feeling very strong for 3-4 months at the beginning of the year but then had some low points when reviewing the settlement proposal and also when the judge signed off on the D. I'm feeling better again. Think most people can go back and forth for awhile but hopefully you're trending up.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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