Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
#2922336 08/12/21 07:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
Hi all. Been lurking on this site for a couple of weeks now and it’s been a massive help. Thank you to all who share their stories and the wise who hold their hands. Maybe it’s time to have mine held too.

Back ground:
Me: 55
W: 41
Married: 12 years
Together: 14 years
Same sex marriage
No kids

This is our story:
We have been ecstatically happy (or so I thought) in all our time together. She and I have not really had any major issues and would often reflect together on how lucky we are with life, each other and everything. BD 14th July (a month ago) when she told me she needed space and packed a bag for “a night, a few days, a month… I don’t know”. It completed blind-sided me. We had had a few difficult weeks for the previous 6 weeks when our communication had really suffered, but I thought it wasn’t a major thing. Jeez I was so wrong. I wish I had handled things different, but hind-sight is a wonderful thing.

Looking back on things I realised what a complete %&*# I had been for the past 14 years. I take total responsibility for how along the years my emotional availability diminished. I didn’t realise. I really didn’t realise.

I’ve read so much on the internet and have learned about how all my actions have been the cause of so much pain for her, and feel SUCH an idiot for not realising.

One of the major problems for her was my drinking. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, but was (and I use the “was” this proudly) a problem drinker – scoffing a bottle of wine a night (she doesn’t drink). I have no excuses and her nagging would have no effect on my poor attitude. It’s something I deeply regret. I stopped drinking 3 days before she left and look and feel massively better for it. I know this to be a permanent change – it’s the first time in my life that I have EVER wanted to give up drinking, so I’m not finding this a challenge.

So, I’ve spent this last month devouring all I could find online about what I should be doing. I’ve ordered the book, and this will take a couple of weeks to arrive. I have given her the space she needs – not initiating contact, answering her texts politely, listening intently, validating, and wearing my bullet-proof vest on the 3 occasions we have met.

During these face to face contacts, she has begun opening up to me more and more about my despicable behaviour (for the first time ever) which has been hard, but I needed to hear. This has been really helpful for me, and I am deeply regretful about the pain I have caused her. It was never my intension to hurt her. I’m a total idiot not to see what I was doing, I’ve apologised massively and honestly, but the wound she has is incredibly deep.

She has been staying with a good friend of ours but can’t stay there forever and has been looking for somewhere to rent. We own a beautiful house together which is her decision to leave and I have to respect this. I really have been in the wrong in our relationship and take responsibility for getting us into this situation. I am giving her all the space she needs (although it kills me not to pressure her).

We work together in a school so are both on holiday at present. Our wages go into a shared bank account – it has always been whatever is mine is yours, and have managed to save some money too. I told her to use whatever money she needs to find somewhere. The last thing I want is for her to feel trapped because of financial implications. Fortunately, I earn enough to cover the mortgage by myself should it come to that, but she will find it incredibly hard to find somewhere to rent on her wages alone – hence me wanting her to use what savings we have. I know she feels bad about this, but it’s the least I can do.

I think I’m doing the right things; not drinking, exercising, growing and becoming a better person, but it’s too little too late. In her words, she "needs to be happy" and is feeling "like she can breath" now she has moved out.

I just need somewhere to let off a bit of steam.

Thanks for reading.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,999
Likes: 7
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,999
Likes: 7
Welcome to the Board! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Posting for you.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM.
Me-67, D35,S34


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
1 member likes this: Cadet
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,208
Likes: 6
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,208
Likes: 6
Originally Posted by Magnhild
I just need somewhere to let off a bit of steam.

Welcome. You found a great place for that. If you want advise, ask away. You will get a slew of different opinions to help make your choices.

Sorry you find yourself in the sitch. Just know that we can relate.

HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
Ah... thanks so much. I appreciate all the wise words I have seen from other people on various threads and it has been a godsend.

It's still incredibly raw but I have been taking the advice others have been given, and feel the pain for those who are going through this. I don't wish this feeling on anyone, but to know there are others who have lived to tell the tale really helps.

From spending our time in each others' pockets to this is devastating... but I'm doing the GAL thing and working on my flaws with gritted determination.

It's just the "if only I'd seen it coming" I could have done things so very differently. It's all so unreal.

Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
Does it take a long time for posts to be accepted?

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,999
Likes: 7
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,999
Likes: 7
Generally, no, it doesn't take a long time for posts to be accepted. However, Cadet and I have been complaining for quite some time that we are not getting the notifications when it comes to new postings. When we do come here, we check the control panel to see if any are available for approval. I checked yesterday and there was 0 postings to be approved. I come here today and there are two...yours. So, I have approved them.

I'm sorry that this happening, but it is beyond our control and I have brought it to the attention of the Administrator again this past week.

Also, you will come off of moderation after 5-6 postings. Again, one of us will notify the Administrator to remove the "moderation" from your account.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 1
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 1
Hi Mag. Welcome to the board. I am three years post BD and am doing really, really well even though my XH has since remarried. This board saved my sanity and helped me get through the hardest most painful period of my life. I truly believe that if I hadn’t found it, I would still be struggling. I am always happy when newcomers join as I know that if they stay here and take the advice that is offered (it is sometimes very counterintuitive and difficult to do), they may not save their marriage (although some will) but they will save themselves. I am one of the latter.

Reading your post, it seems like you are doing a lot of things right. Good for you for recognizing your part in things but please don’t go down the road of beating yourself up about it. The disintegration of a partnership is rarely just about one person. Sounds like you are handling it the best way you can and consciously giving your W the space she needs to figure things out. I know it is hard but keep it up. Congrats on making the changes you needed to. That’s a great step towards recon or a better life…hopefully both. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,698
Likes: 15
C
Member
Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,698
Likes: 15
Hi Mag,

The slow posting goes away in 1-2 days, so hang in there. I get it's frustrating that happens just at that moment you're reaching out for help and to tell your story. In no time your posts will be instant.

Originally Posted by Mag
she needed space and packed a bag for “a night, a few days, a month… I don’t know”. It completed blind-sided me.
She left after 8 problem weeks and you say she was nagging you--she communicated there were problems. You own being a "problem drinker" and "emotionally unavailable". You are giving her space. I don't think it will be easy, but I do have some hope for your situation. (:

Originally Posted by Mag
One of the major problems for her was my drinking. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, but was (and I use the “was” this proudly) a problem drinker – scoffing a bottle of wine a night (she doesn’t drink). I have no excuses and her nagging would have no effect on my poor attitude. It’s something I deeply regret. I stopped drinking 3 days before she left and look and feel massively better for it. I know this to be a permanent change – it’s the first time in my life that I have EVER wanted to give up drinking, so I’m not finding this a challenge.
May I ask for more details? You say you have "a bottle of wine a night". According to NIAAA, a binge drinker has 5+ glasses in less than 2 hours, and a heavy drinker 7+ drinks/week (women) or 14+ drinks/week (men). Why was she nagging you? I get it wasn't good for your health, but her nagging and being a reason for separating implies it caused problems for her too. You said you had a poor attitude. I guess it wasn't the cost/money, then. Were you angry or otherwise acting out?

Going dry for a month is a good first step and common. My XGF, who was sometimes a heavy drinker, was able to do that at least annually. Each time it helped for a bit. Complete abstinence is a solution for some. Most will have a drink when a friend's celebrating and pops a champagne.

You drank for some reason. If this is long-term, I'd be curious what you fill that void with beyond willpower, I'd be curious what your plan to moderate is unless you plan to be a teetotaler.



Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
Oh. Thank you all so much for replying.

Job - thanks so much and no need to apologise. I thought my posts had been lost in the depth of cyberspace.

DejaVu - your words are so kind it brought tears to my eyes. I'm so pleased that you seem to have got through this - it gives me hope.

CWarrior - Sure. My drinking was a problem for her. I used the word "nagging" in my post and I regret using that word. She was concerned for my health as any loving person would be. I'm not making excuses and take full responsibility for my (lack of) actions. I bitterly regret not acting on her care. In many ways, her leaving me has given me the wake-up call I should have had a LONG time ago. I'm making very positive changes in that respect.

"You drank for some reason. If this is long-term, I'd be curious what you fill that void with beyond willpower, I'd be curious what your plan to moderate is unless you plan to be a teetotaler."
Sorry - I haven't yet learned how to quote!

At the moment, it really hasn't been a problem not drinking. Drinking was a choice - I made the choice to drink and now I'm making the choice NOT to drink. If I go out for dinner, I'll have two glasses and then stop. Before I wouldn't. That would be the problem.

Anyway, I'm feeling great, am not finding it hard and don't foresee it being too hard. Time will tell. At the moment, my "void" is being filled with tonic water smile

I've been spending MANY hours on this site, and my goodness, it is FULL of such wisdom and insight. I am wondering now if her leaving me is anything to do with a MIL. I'm not negating my responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage, however, she began seeing a psychologist a couple of weeks before leaving me. Her mother became (and continues to be) very mentally unwell from when W was about 14 and felt emotionally abandoned from that age. It took many years for her to open up to me about that, and even then, she wouldn't like to talk about it.

I'm rambling now.

Let me see how long this post takes to appear before posting again smile

Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
Will continue when I've been moderated.
Like my drinking.

Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard