Rebuilding and renewal - 6

[Dawn70]

I will probably get blow back for this but in regards to your last paragraph about middle-aged women wanting a partner to fit into exactly what they want, I say it is about d@mn time! Think about it....I know you are just a few years older than me so we are totally in the same age group, but it is the norm that women fit themselves into their men's lives. Women move to the man's home or town, women may change careers to accommodate their new relationship/marriage, women tend to defer to men (not always, but kind of as a general rule) so I think it is high time that women put themselves first and seek partners who are willing to fit into the women's world rather than just automatically expecting the women to fit into theirs. I think it is a societal norm for women to be the flexible ones and bend to the other person, but I think that is a bit antiquated. Yes, it could be argued that men tend to be the bigger breadwinners, but why does that have to matter when it comes to personal interests?

I look at my own situation. I earn more money than Sparky does and while I compromised and moved to his home, we work very hard to maintain an even partnership. We both plan activities and outings and if there is something that one of us REALLY wants to do, the other does it with a smile on our face because we know it is a compromise. I am not a gamer and Sparky is, so sometimes on Saturday or Sunday afternoon, I'll pull out a good book and he'll turn on his game system and we'll spend a couple of hours lost in our own interest. Last Saturday, we went out of town to get his glasses fixed and we were going to go out for lunch while there. I wanted to go in Hobby Lobby to look at fall decor, so Sparky went in with me. Now was he burning with excitement to go in? Absolutely not. But did he slap a smile on his face and walk all over the dang store with me looking at stuff and conversing with me while I oohed and aahed at how cute stuff was? Absolutely! Afterwards, I asked him to select our lunch spot. He chose a place that I like but it wouldn't have been my choice on that particular day. Did I say anything? Nope, I just went in and picked my favorite thing on the menu and we had a nice lunch and chat before heading home. I say all that to say that it should be a give and take. I sometimes do things that might not be my choice because it is something he wants and vice versa. For far too long, women have just taken a back seat and acted as though their choices or interests didn't matter. So, if middle aged women who are financially independent and want a partner to fit into their world are out here trying to date, then I say more power to them. Get it, girl!!!!!!

[AndrewP]

So, if middle aged women who are financially independent and want a partner to fit into their world are out here trying to date, then I say more power to them. Get it, girl!!!!!!

Absolutely. And if I do date again that is something that I need to be comfortable with. My (now X) wife and I used to always say that the three magic words that "saved our marriage" were "Have fun dear"

That was part of did make it work for so long though. We had some common interests, supported each other in the various activities and also did our own things. She'd attend some of the launches of the boats I built (in part to be prepared to call emergency services ) and I'd go and cheer her on at her endurance races and ferry stuff back and forth when she did her volunteer work.

When I dated B one of the things that bothered me was when she said that she would put me ahead of her kids. Er - no.

I think the challenge comes in flexibility and respect. Knowing what the hard lines are - for example, I'm not moving and I'm not giving up the cat (a main point of conflict with B). That I'm not cooking every weekend for an extended family (problem with S). By the sounds of these women, if my colleague wasn't as in to their activities as much as they were, it was a hard pass. And that's good if that's where they are. Our own CWarrior has looked for that level of synergy at least in the past.

What I think those of us who have dated have experienced though is that in many cases that each person expects the other to fit into a pre-determined mold - in many cases shaped by an ex-partner. That's where spending time on your own does certainly make a difference. I loved my wife and was content with the life that we had. But that doesn't mean that I'm looking to replace her. After-all how many 4'11" extra curvy women with a bad temper are there out there? When I first dated I did though imagine a new partner doing the same things, acting the same way as she did. And that would have been difficult.

I would imagine that those who run off like she did and don't have a gap of any sort between partners have quite a bit of difficulty in adapting to the differences and visa versa. Or perhaps not - I have zero experience with having a side piece. Hopefully OM is good at making coffee in the morning before anyone else is up and immediately dropping whatever he's doing to fix something or help out.

I think you and Sparky have what sounds like a good balance. I still remember my days of going bra shopping and then going for lunch at a nice cafe or stopping off at a museum.

[Traveler]

What I think those of us who have dated have experienced though is that in many cases that each person expects the other to fit into a pre-determined mold - in many cases shaped by an ex-partner.

I get what you’re saying. When the ex leaves there is a gap, and people freshly out of relationships are often looking for someone to fill that gap minus one or two changes. Someone who’s been on their own for a spell is often more flexible, open to any configuration that enriches their lives.

[Dawn70]

I think balance is the key. Shared interests in good or then why even be together? But different interests is good in that it keeps both of you entertained, for lack of a better description. My XH never got that. He wanted me to be gung ho about all of his stuff, but didn't particularly care for any of mine. So, we always did stuff he wanted to do, but if I wanted to do something he would fuss and act like a drama queen and eventually, very begrudgingly, go along. Sparky and I have more common interests, so that makes it easier, but we also have some very different interests. The difference between my XH and Sparky is that Sparky encourages me to embrace those differences and go do my own thing if I want to while my XH would get his feelings hurt if I wanted to go spend an afternoon or evening with my girlfriends or my family or whatever without him. It wasn't about leaving him out, it was about doing something he didn't give a d@mn about. I think that finally clicked for me on the day he moved all of his belongings out of our house. I had planned to be gone from the house that day, but ended up getting sick, so I just stayed in the bedroom with the door closed because he'd already taken all of his personal stuff out of the bedroom and I was keeping all the furniture in there, so he had no reason to come in. It was Daytona 500 Sunday, so I laid in bed with Molly and the tv cranked up loud so I couldn't hear him bustling about loading up his stuff and I watched the entire Daytona 500 completely uninterrupted. He HATED NASCAR and always made fun of me for watching it. That was the first time since he and I had gotten married that I watched an entire race. Now, if I want to watch a race, Sparky will watch with me because he likes NASCAR. He also likes rodeos which are another huge interest of mine. My dad was a rodeo cowboy when I was born (a bull rider) so it has always been a part of my life. XH thought it was stupid and too hot outside to go watch live. Wouldn't even watch the big ones like National Finals Rodeo with me on tv. Sparky is all in if I say, hey, let's find a rodeo on tv.

I would never put Sparky before my girls or my niece and nephews who are even more like my own babies to me than the girls are, but he knows that. And, he would never put his beloved daughter H before me and I know that....as it should be. We are each other's priority in our daily life because we are in the trenches together, so to speak, but if push came to shove we both know we would take care of our kids first, even though they are all adults now. That is another place Sparky and my XH differ. The thing that my XH initially liked about me was how close I was with my family and my niece and nephews in particular, but it became a point of contention near the end of our marriage, with him telling me things like I was only happy when I was with them, but not with him. It was in his mind and not reality, but it was his reality because it was his perception. Sparky embraces my family and my love for them and is grateful to finally be included in a large family because his is smaller. He has an aunt and 3 cousins on his mom's side a 1 aunt left on his dad's side. His cousins are all a good bit younger than him so he never really had a real close bond with them. I, on the other hand, have a whole slew of aunts, uncles, and cousins, all of whom I have a relationship and bond with. Sparky feels included in that big, loud, crazy redneck bunch. My XH never did, though, they included him just as they have Sparky. That was XH's lack of confidence, though, so it was on him.

Anyway, yeah, I agree with what you are saying. And, maybe there are some who are inflexible and disrespectful in their desires to have someone fit into a certain mold. I don't agree with that, for sure. I think it does take mutual respect, flexibility, boundaries, communication to strike that balance of "our time" vs. "me time". You have to have 2 partners who are both willing to make those adjustments. Not everyone is, sadly.

Sorry for the lengthy hijacks.

[kml]

My XH never got that. He wanted me to be gung ho about all of his stuff, but didn't particularly care for any of mine. So, we always did stuff he wanted to do, but if I wanted to do something he would fuss and act like a drama queen and eventually, very begrudgingly, go along.

Were you married to MY narcissist, Dawn???

[devvo]

for example, I'm not moving

Andrew, just curious about why you flatly and absolutely refuse to consider moving out of your house?

I ask, only because it's an interesting choice for a single man to live in such a big home, especially as it's so far away from your workplace (and pretty much everything else too it seems). It requires a lot of maintenance and cleaning. It is expensive to furnish and heat. You don't use it for building boats any more (and other places will be fine for that anyway) and keeping it as a storage facility for friends and family is nice, but not really logical.

Unless it is an ancestral home, I'd surmise your fierce determination to stay to be that you're grasping the last thing you shared with XW and your children. That you haven't, and will never, let go. Would that be a fair assessment?

[AndrewP]

for example, I'm not moving

Andrew, just curious about why you flatly and absolutely refuse to consider moving out of your house?

I ask, only because it's an interesting choice for a single man to live in such a big home, especially as it's so far away from your workplace (and pretty much everything else too it seems). It requires a lot of maintenance and cleaning. It is expensive to furnish and heat. You don't use it for building boats any more (and other places will be fine for that anyway) and keeping it as a storage facility for friends and family is nice, but not really logical.

Unless it is an ancestral home, I'd surmise your fierce determination to stay to be that you're grasping the last thing you shared with XW and your children. That you haven't, and will never, let go. Would that be a fair assessment?

Fair question and one that I've given a lot of thought to.

There are two sides to this. The practical and the emotional.

First off - while it may seem from what I write that I'm far away from everything, I'm actually in the middle of everything. Work is an hour away, nature is right in my back yard, shopping 8 minutes, bake shop with delicious food less than a block. One of the world's premiere live theatres is a bit over an hour away. Brewery 3 blocks, park with walking trails 1/2 a block.

When I worked in Toronto - a 2 1/2 hour drive away, there were people who lived in the Toronto region who I worked with that had as long of a commute.

From a financial point of view, this is a cheap place to live. My electricity bill 2 months ago was less than $60. It costs me $165/week on my mortgage. I couldn't move into a one bedroom apartment for that sort of money - in fact my son pays more for his apartment. Now there are maintenance costs and other utilities. I just pulled up my budget worksheet and last year I spent all in $19,636.55 to live here inclusive of all costs, or $1,636.38 / month. And that would have included having S and her crew here, buying stuff to support that and the much larger utility bills they created. The house is already furnished although I do want to pick up some furniture for one of the spare rooms and the dining room but that will be done most likely through a thrift shop. The older furniture they have there would fit better into this old and slightly eclectic house.

In talking to friends who are real estate agents, I actually probably wouldn't get a lot for this place despite it's size and convenient location. When they did the "opinion of value" during my divorce, they described this place accurately as "tired". My XW's small 2 bedroom house in a not great neighbourhood less than 10 minutes away was bought for 80% more than what this place was valued at. Unless a buyer came in who overlooks the "tired" of the house, the undersized electrical, the ancient wood windows and crooked walls and floors but instead sees the 9 1/2' high ceilings, original red oak wood work through much of the house, buckets of space then it won't go for a lot. My friends said that my best plan is to sell this place, when I eventually do, to a young family that doesn't mind doing a bit of painting etc and gets a big 4 bedroom home with a master suite (2 doors between Mom and the kids in that bathroom) and big back yard.

So - why would I spend more money to live in a small box just to be marginally closer to work? A one bedroom apartment in the town where the plant is is $1,370 / month with no garden, no yard, no workshop and shared walls with neighbours.

On the emotional side, first off, any ghost of my XW are long gone from here. Yes, she picked out the wallpaper with it's hearts and flowers in the kitchen. She took most of the "valuable" artwork which I've replaced with originals I've picked up at charity auctions or directly from the artists at one of the many art festivals that are hosted in this area. One of my favourite pieces cost me $15 and the young girl who painted it was thrilled at how happy I was with it. The wallpaper in the room I'm typing this in is probably older than I am (and badly in need of removal). I do have some memories of the kids in this house but their stuff is (more or less) long gone. My son has 2 large chests in the front hall closed of "stuff" like baby blankets etc.

It's maybe a cultural thing, but my family has always been attached to "the land". I've lived in this house my entire adult life. One thing S was very right on is that it's tough for someone new to come in to someone's home that is very much "their's". I've planted trees that are over 30' tall. My lialacs that I planted are thriving. The black currant bush was a gift from my grandfather. Walking away from all that will be difficult even if inevitable.

Staying in this area is also important to me. My family has been in this area for nearly 200 years. I'm probably related in one fashion or another to 70% of the "old families". One of my cousins still farms the original farm we purchased from the Crown in the 1830s. I have my cemetery plot already selected and paid for on a hillside looking north towards where I grew up.

I do know that one day I will leave here when I can no longer care for the place even with help. My children have no interest in it which I have been told very clearly. We've actually had the conversations to determine exactly how they would sell the place in case something happens to me.

It is possible that a new partner could persuade me to move out of here but there would have to be some incredibly solid reasons behind it.

Thank you though OwnIt for asking the question.

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Nice slow start to the day. I made strawberry pancakes this morning for breakfast complete with local maple syrup. I'm disappointed because I bought a small container of strawberries a week ago and haven't eaten them down like I should have and now some have gone bad.

My doctor's appointment was very brief with him quickly diagnosing what probably is wrong with my feet based on my story and symptoms. His diagnosis is that when I was walking so very much 5 years ago that I created micro-tears in my tendons and that calcium has built up in them. He gave me a set of exercises that I need to do to stretch and have the tendons heal properly. I also questioned some red "freckles" that have appeared on my feet and legs following the infection I got when S's cat scratched me. He said that it's just old blood, nothing to worry about and probably won't go away.

He's a nice man, very clear and I trust him. I need to figure out how to fit these exercises into my day and some sort of charting process to keep me accountable for doing the various routines and repetitions. I reached out to SIL2 who is a fitness trainer for some help on that.

I came across a picture from 5 years ago when I had hit my goal weight by doing the aforementioned walking and the "divorce diet" and had lost 50 lbs. I've put pretty much all of it back on again but am probably over-all healthier. My heavens - my face looked almost skeletal. Certainly not healthy although everyone kept telling me that I looked good.

Well - running late. If I don't get to the flower shop when they expect me, I get stern looks and a talking-to from "F".

Have a great day all.

[OwnIt]

Lovely to read your answer, but it was devvo not I who asked it. I totally get why that's a deal-breaker for you, having had the experience with S you did straight out of the gate trying to get you to sell and get rid of your cats. I just moved into my house but think it unlikely I would ever move out for someone else (or indeed let someone move in here) and I'm definitely not getting rid of my cat for anyone. I think if I ever am in a relationship it will be with someone who maintains their own place, their own life, and I see a few times a week and travel with. I'm not raising any more kids or men (and whoever told you middle aged women want to be taken care of is ridiculous, every one I know has been the caretaker and is closing down shop on that). Take heart Andrew, there are middle aged women out there who would admire your commitment to your house, your cat, and not want to take over your life or have you support them.

[bttrfly]

It's maybe a cultural thing, but my family has always been attached to "the land". I've lived in this house my entire adult life. One thing S was very right on is that it's tough for someone new to come in to someone's home that is very much "their's". I've planted trees that are over 30' tall. My lialacs that I planted are thriving. The black currant bush was a gift from my grandfather. Walking away from all that will be difficult even if inevitable.

Interesting that you brought this up today, when I had been thinking about something similar. The land I live on was bought by my Dad and Mom almost 50 years ago. My Dad had always loved this particular street and these two lots, and jumped on the chance when he was able to buy it. The house I spent my childhood in, however, was built by my parents on land given to them by my maternal grandmother. It had been in our family since 1890. I was just thinking last night that I don't know of any other people who, when they move, also bring their plants with them, but that's just what my parents did. When they sold our house, which had become commercially zoned, the buyer didn't want any of the plants, as he was just going to tear it all down and pave it over.

As a result, there are plants at my parents house which have been alive as long as I have and longer. We have my grandmother's peonies. We have my favorite shrub, a double mock orange which is so beautiful and brings me so much joy every year when she blooms. There are others, but those immediately come to mind. I've thought about what to do if I ever move or sell. Those plants have to come with me. As a former realtor I know that one can add anything in as an exclusion, and many gardeners do exclude certain plantings.

Being tied to the land is a blessing and something else as well. On the one hand there is a comfort in feeling like one is part of something larger, something which grounds one. On the other, if one has to leave the land, sell it, it can be a deep pain that is hard to completely heal.

Just some random thoughts on a Saturday.

[AndrewP]

Had a decent weekend. I had hoped to have brunch with my son on Sunday but our wires must have gotten crossed and he was a no-show. He responded to my morning text that evening and we are on for next week.

I baked Jeanne Robertson's 7-up pound cake in some small silicone loaf pans that I have. I cut the recipe to 1/5 and it worked out well. I'll certainly do that again. I had one loaf for dinner (cut glaze recipe to 1/10) and froze the other. It was fun and I think was a good tribute to the lady. We can't post links here but the recipe should be easy to find. The 1/5 was a semi random number that worked out because the original recipe called for 5 eggs.

It was quite tasty and easy to make. Certainly not something I'd have regularly because there's quite a lot of sugar that goes in to it. It also highlighted one of my regular bachelor cooking annoyances. The cut-down recipe called for 1 1/2 tbsp of shortening - which I didn't own. I thought of substituting duck fat or butter but wanted to follow the recipe this first time. So now I own a pound of shortening with a couple of scoops out of it that I might never use again. Similar to the jug of molasses I bought for making rib sauce a few months ago.

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Ethical conundrum brings me here. We are very short staffed and the admin staff are getting up there in years - all in their 60s. One of them told me that she is absolutely going to quit before spring. The company president has been avoiding hiring more people for a variety of reasons that make sense to him. Typing this out has re-assured me that I should just keep my big yap closed and let things play out as they will rather than figuring out a way to bring it to his attention. I expect he's already somewhat aware.