Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 10 1 2 8 9 10
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Originally Posted by BL42
bttrfly,

Interesting. I haven't read through your complete history, but take it your ExH drove the affair/separation/D, yet got hit emotionally anyway by the D? I think there's a natural tendency for the LBS to get caught up in the Ex moving on so happily with everything going right in their lives and assume they'll ride off in the sunset and the next relationship with affair partner or rebound will last forever, but your case is an example of the Exs not always so sure about their decisions.

Well, you won't be able to read my complete history because I asked the moderators to purge it, so I'll try to sum up, although it's pretty standard fare:

exh cheated, lied about it upon BD, monstered through mediation, started telling me he loved me as soon as we sold our home, monstered again when I said don't cake eat here. I'm not interested in crumbs, thankyouverymuch. Dragged his feet on pushing for the divorce, then went ape on me ironically the day the D was finalized, saying he didn't want this, never wanted this. I didn't understand it then, maybe don't fully understand it now, but he's perfectly followed the exceptionally horrific example of both his mother (WAS) and his father (LBS), and believe me, without my going into details, that took a lot of work on his part. Looking at it from a distance now I can only shake my head and say wow, I never realized how broken he really was.

Is he happy? I think he tells himself that, but really he's never truly lived with his AP/new wife. He moved to another state from her 9 months before they eventually married, which my son was not invited to, and which he described as "caving" ... he has no relationship with his father or his brother. His mother's health has seriously deteriorated in the past 9 months, along with my son facing a life threatening illness. His answer to that was to buy a place a further 3000 miles away (he's his mom's health care proxy, POA, etc). If he's so content why didn't he live permanently with his AP? If he's so happy why is he running, again, now 6k miles from his mom and son who both really need him? He's had more money than he knows what to do with, lives large, spending as fast as he earns, and I haven't pushed for what is owed me because I don't want to repeat the pattern of his parents divorce, which I know is what he is willing and able to do. That is the price of my freedom and my and my son's eventual peace of mind.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A bit of a sad thing today. A social media memory from years ago popped up and was one of the ones that my XW had interacted on. Looking at her profile picture it would appear that her dog has recently passed. I bumped into a mutual acquaintance later this afternoon and she confirmed that yes, the dog had passed in the past week or so.

My first instinct was to extend condolences, but no, she and I have no interaction so just leave well enough alone.

Even though I was not a huge fan of the dog, I remember how much he enjoyed "doing laundry" with me where he would go out and lay in the sunshine and eat grass while I hung the wash out. He was very disturbed and I think suffered a lot from separation anxiety in the time leading up to her actually moving out - she was gone a lot. I'd make a point of sitting with him and spending time with him. The puir wee pup wouldn't understand what was going on. He was part of a family that was breaking down in front of him after-all.

Hopefully across the Rainbow Bridge there is sunshine to lay in, grass and bones to gnaw on for him.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Andrew

Given where you are now emotionally, like healthy and healed, I’d drop XW a condolence. Nothing ostentatious, maybe just a comment or text. With no expectation of response or otherwise. Perhaps something like:

I heard <dog’s name> passed away last week. I remember how much he enjoyed “doing laundry" with me where he would go out and lay in the sunshine and eat grass while I hung the wash out. Sad for your loss.



You and I are well passed the “need” to be dark or dim. Limited communication is now due to the current relationship. As in XW is not counted among the list of friends. Still, condolences for the loss of a family member, even the family pooch, is ok to do.

What we do or don’t do says more about us than the other person.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Oh hell no, DnJ - I wouldn’t recommend that at ALL. Andrew’s ex knows where he lives if she wants to get ahold of him. Leave sleeping dog owners lie.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
And again, I thank god my ex and I split before either of us were on Facebook!

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
You know, I see both DnJ and kml's points of view on this one. As you well know from my FB posts, my sweet Molly girl passed in late May. My XH and I had gotten her as a baby and she was his companion when he was home with all of his illnesses. She adored me too, though, because I was the one who fed her, watered her, actually played and laid with her most, so when we split, she was the one thing I fought tooth and nail to keep. He eventually relented and it was me and her for the remainder of her life (until Sparky came along and she liked Sparky). Anyway, when Molly passed, XH didn't reach out to me at all. Now, granted, I had created a new facebook since my old one got hacked and I did NOT friend him on the new one so he likely didn't know, though I texted the girls and told them because they loved Molly too, so one of them may have told her. I say all that to say that I'm past him enough that if he HAD reached out, I would've been fine with it because I know he loved her, but I'm also ok with the fact that he didn't because it was just one less thing I had to deal with in my grief. I know you didn't actually ask us anything, but if I were in your shoes, I would NOT reach out. Yes, you are past it enough to be able to do so, but then that might open feelings on her end about how you are getting information and such. I'd let it go, if it were me. She has plenty of folks to console her.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
doesn't sound like you and the wee doggle were all that close. I'd plant a flower in the yard where he liked to hang and call it a day.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 239
Likes: 2
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 239
Likes: 2
Your acquaintance is out of the loop. Sadly, the dog passed in July. I would let it be.

In old news that is still on my mind... I shouldn't be surprised, but I can't believe S stole your smoke detector. I already didn't like how she was taking advantage of you when you were together, but that was low and dangerous! And definitely on purpose. I noticed you made excuses saying her crew didn't know what was hers and yours... but she knows and she has returned NOTHING! So glad you've moved on to the next chapter.

I'm excited to hear about your Halloween festivities and cozy fall meals. smile

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Originally Posted by bttrfly
doesn't sound like you and the wee doggle were all that close. I'd plant a flower in the yard where he liked to hang and call it a day.
That's a good idea.

Originally Posted by dream
Your acquaintance is out of the loop. Sadly, the dog passed in July. I would let it be.
Shows how close of attention I'm paying then doesn't it ... crazy

I'm not going to reach out. I think it's reasonable to say that it wasn't an amicable split between us and I know that my XW put a lot of effort into hiding where she was living and what she was up to. When her parents passed, I did send a note of condolence to her via email and made a donation to the appropriate charity as specified in the obit.

I have no interest in having any sort of relationship with her and it's abundantly clear to me that if I were to be seen to be poking around her private affairs that it probably would not be welcome - at all. She was a very private person even before her affair and I would presume that's not changed.

Originally Posted by dream
I shouldn't be surprised, but I can't believe S stole your smoke detector. I already didn't like how she was taking advantage of you when you were together, but that was low and dangerous! And definitely on purpose. I noticed you made excuses saying her crew didn't know what was hers and yours... but she knows and she has returned NOTHING! So glad you've moved on to the next chapter.
Yeah - I know that when I mentioned to her son that the folding tables for the living room were gone that he had a sheepish expression. I was happy enough to see her gone that I wasn't going to make a stink about little stuff. I expect that it's all jammed into storage lockers, her basement / wherever. That rug she took is probably going to get a bit whiffy in the process ...
Originally Posted by dream
I'm excited to hear about your Halloween festivities and cozy fall meals. smile
Yep - soon soup season. This might be the last year for the sloop to be out as a decoration as I'm thinking of parting with it. I'm trying to figure out how to inexpensively do some sort of painted screen kind of thing that I can put out with a pirate ship on it and then roll up and put it away easily for storage. I do love Halloween though. I have a projector now that I'm thinking of it ... hmmmm

New thread time ...
Rebuilding and Renewal - 7
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2923750&#Post2923750


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
AndrewP,
Originally Posted by AndrewP
A bit of a sad thing today. A social media memory from years ago popped up and was one of the ones that my XW had interacted on.

The picture memories (social media, or even Google pics) can be challenging. I love to see pics of my kids at a younger age but of course ExW pops up in them. Hopefully that'll get easier for both of us over time.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Looking at her profile picture it would appear that her dog has recently passed. I bumped into a mutual acquaintance later this afternoon and she confirmed that yes, the dog had passed in the past week or so.

My first instinct was to extend condolences, but no, she and I have no interaction so just leave well enough alone.
Sorry about the news. I wasn't never a dog person either but invested myself into ExW's for 9 years, so understand why people get so attached and emotional. ExW's dog hasn't passed yet, but is getting older. I plan to be there to console the kids when it happens, but don't plan to reach out to ExW about it. I wouldn't recommend you do either. Just my $0.02.


Dawn70,
Originally Posted by Dawn70
my sweet Molly girl passed in late May. My XH and I had gotten her as a baby and she was his companion when he was home with all of his illnesses. She adored me too, though, because I was the one who fed her, watered her, actually played and laid with her most, so when we split, she was the one thing I fought tooth and nail to keep. He eventually relented and it was me and her for the remainder of her life
Sorry to hear about your dog. It's crazy the similar story. ExW and I also have a dog named Molly! Technically ExW bought her a month or two before we started dating, but I essentially lived with her for 9 years before ExW physically separated, and like you did the majority of feeding, walking, playing...and letting her out at 3am. I was never a pet person, but learned to love her. I didn't fight for any sort of half custody or back-and-forth as part of the D, just let ExW take her. I see and pet her occasionally at kid transition...but don't miss the middle of the night wake ups!


Originally Posted by dream
In old news that is still on my mind... I shouldn't be surprised, but I can't believe S stole your smoke detector. I already didn't like how she was taking advantage of you when you were together, but that was low and dangerous! And definitely on purpose.
Your girlfriend stole your smoke detector? That's...crazy. Don't ever revisit that R if she comes back.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Page 10 of 10 1 2 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard