Nothing much going on - still stupid busy with work and not being able to make time for relationships with friends much less others.
I hope to bake my first cake in quite some time this weekend. Still waiting to hear back from my son if he'll be by on Saturday or not.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yesterday was busy. My son's birthday is on Wednesday so I invited him over for dinner and cake for last night. My first attempt at a chocolate cake. My daughter was able to provide me with her most reliable recipe and I sort of "winged it" with the icing but it turned out pretty good if I do say so myself. With the cake, fresh bread and a 6 1/2 lb roast of beef to cook (going to be eating stew for quite a while) I can understand the desire for more than one oven. I chose to invite him over for a Saturday dinner vs Sunday because Sunday evenings seem to be taken up with doing prep work for the plant for Monday morning. While I'm doing this, I'm also looking up the capacity of the railcars that we'll be calling in on Monday night. It always surprises me that things like rail outage tables are publicly available but it does simplify things for me because I don't have to wait to actually see the car and read the capacity plates.
I can't recall the last time that I had my son over for dinner - it's been a long time though. It gave me some motivation to do some tidying that I had been putting off. The weather was finally nice enough that I was able to hang my laundry out on the line and I put the couch cover out too to air out and for some of the accumulated cat hair to blow off. So - a busy day which seems to be the state of affairs lately.
We had a nice dinner. He felt a bit awkward blowing his germs over the cake to put the candles out. I did have the moka pot out along with the nice silver coffee pot which was a wedding present from my in-laws and has never been used. He didn't want coffee though and had water instead. He has a hard enough time sleeping so that's not a surprise he didn't want coffee in the evening.
After dinner he packed up about 1/2 the leftover cake to take home and we sat out on the bench outside the front door, had a beer and visited a bit more. I think he's doing ok overall. I let him know that his card was mailed because I know he prefers to wait until his actual birthday to open it. He rarely checks his mail so it was good I let him know.
I did mention about an upcoming doctor's appointment I have made to start looking at a problem with my legs that I've let go far too long. When I was obsessively walking while going through the worst of times 5 years ago I think I overstrained my Achilles tendon. It's been getting progressively worse for the past couple of years - so getting a proper opinion is undoubtedly a good thing. From what I've read though this is probably just something that I'm going to have to live with but getting a professional opinion on that is the smarter choice than just living with it.
After I cleaned up the kitchen I chose to go up and have a soak in the tub with a couple of glasses of wine and also burned some sage to hopefully clear up some of the funk. I was interested to learn that my son has also been soaking in his own tub which isn't as nice as the one here, but certainly a good therapy.
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What's brought me here today though is just a feeling of being in a rut, in a funk. The most exciting thing in my personal life is that I bought new under-gotchies - trying boxer/briefs for the first time. Being the 15th of the month, early this morning was the email letting me know that my XW has deposited her monthly payment. As usual, no note saying "thanks" or anything which is one of the boxes available and obvious when accepting transfers. #44 of 77 - getting there. I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing by agreeing to the fixed payments for fixed term but not having that stress and hassle, much less having to worry about if OM actually contributes enough to support her is good.
I'm lonely but not in a place where I want to deal with the potential difficulties of having someone around. Frustrated with work which has taken over too much of my life - can't run off to sell tacos in Icarina for at least another 33 months according to the math in the prior paragraph.
It took me a while to actually pull myself out of bed today - it was probably close to 10 before I got up. Made myself the same breakfast I usually do although on Sundays now I make coffee instead of tea.
I'm really looking forward to my upcoming vacation on the second week of September. Unlike the past times, I'm going to work hard on disconnecting from work.
Well - the coffee cup is just about empty. I'm going to go "in to town" and buy myself a carafe. I suppose I could use the good silver one regularly but it's not insulated and is rather large. I have the grass to cut, flower beds to weed, my ironing to do. I noticed a scuff on my shoes which despite being steel toe, steel plate and acid resistant are also fairly nice wingtips so will give them a polish.
Going to put the leftovers from last night's dinner in the crock pot to make a stew for dinner. I also have a small butternut squash I'm going to roast up.
Is this the life I would have imagined for myself 6 years ago? No. Divorce, pandemic, all things that never were on my radar. I feel the "need" to make a substantial pivot of some sort, but again, because I don't know where, what or how, I tread along the same old path. If it weren't for roughly 20% of my income going to pay for someone else's upkeep and lifestyle, I'd have a lot more choices available to me. 33 more months. There's nothing really stopping me though as long as I can cover that obligation. Nothing but myself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It’s 9:30 PM on Sunday and I’m at work responding to a 66 kV 40 MVA transformer that is over temperature. It is 90 C! Anyhow got the fans all on in manual and waiting for it to cool down to around 75C before heading home. So here I sit and in the control room, in which the air conditioning broke earlier this week, sweating in 34C and reading your post.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing by agreeing to the fixed payments for fixed term…
You definitely did the right and best thing!
Originally Posted by AndrewP
What's brought me here today though is just a feeling of being in a rut, in a funk. The most exciting thing in my personal life is that I bought new under-gotchies - trying boxer/briefs for the first time.
…
I'm lonely but not in a place where I want to deal with the potential difficulties of having someone around. Frustrated with work which has taken over too much of my life
…
It took me a while to actually pull myself out of bed today - it was probably close to 10 before I got up. Made myself the same breakfast I usually do although on Sundays now I make coffee instead of tea.
It takes awhile to accept the past. And even then, it at times still comes around into our focus. Living in the past brings depression and living in the future brings anxiety.
It’s ok to feel lonely. You’ll get through it. After all, feelings are only temporary.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Is this the life I would have imagined for myself 6 years ago? No. Divorce, pandemic, all things that never were on my radar. I feel the "need" to make a substantial pivot of some sort, but again, because I don't know where, what or how, I tread along the same old path. If it weren't for roughly 20% of my income going to pay for someone else's upkeep and lifestyle, I'd have a lot more choices available to me. 33 more months. There's nothing really stopping me though as long as I can cover that obligation. Nothing but myself.
I understand that feel of the “need” for a pivot. Be patient. Decisions based upon feelings are seldom the best ones. And there is nothing wrong with the path you currently tread.
Enlightenment doesn’t happen through meditation while sitting on a mat chanting. It happens while embroiled in anger or depression or sadness. It happens while walking that same old path and poof you realize you have a choice.
That choice a lot of times is to continue walking your fine path. It’s the choice, the conscious purposeful choice to do so that brings one to living in the present.
Living in the present brings peace and contentment. A choice that the enlightened realize and make. A choice that changes almost nothing and yet changes everything.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Funks are surely difficult, ruts even worse. It is such a good and healthy thing that even in the midst of yours you are able to go about the little events that day to day comprise the fabric of your life; making proper meals, fixing your place up little by little, taking in your cat, etc. Thirty-three months is not a long time to go. The extra 20% when you have it back will be a nice bonus to your life. I opted to leave with only my own assets (I had lots, him none). I also opted to have him pay the kids rather than pay me. Even when the court made an error that cost me a little money, I ultimately let it go, for a desire to have no lingering connection to him, no reason to think about him, and no standing by the mailbox waiting for anything any longer. The universe has already rewarded me for these decisions many times over. I bought myself a divorce present to celebrate. While I ordered it a couple of months ago, it won't be delivered for about another month. It will provide an excellent vehicle for my freedom map, which includes no ties to that past. Don't regret decisions you made long ago and can't undo even if you want to, it ties you to an unhappier time and place and takes you back there in thinking about it.
I've decided to think of my own emotions as a pot of water draining through a sieve. I put them in the top and they pass through. They aren't backing up, but they also are not hanging around. When I feel a little sad, depressed, etc., I just picture that image and remind myself as our dear friend DnJ says, that feelings change; they come and go; and we can't make decisions based upon them.
To carry yourself to a better place, tell us about your dream getaway--where will you go, what will you do? S and I have been talking about sailing around the Greek Islands (first he plans to learn to sail-something he's wanted to do forever, and odd given his particular sport that he doesn't know how to do it).
Andrew, I think your last few posts referencing your funks/ruts/missing parts of your old life are really healthy, though painful. You were married 26 years; it takes time to grieve that even when you recognize it wasn’t necessarily perfect.
The way it all unfolded was such a huge betrayal. It’s quite shocking when you think you know someone. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself room to continue to heal.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Took a sick day today. Woke up with a bit of nausea, sore ribs and dry throat. Waffled about calling in sick but went in to the plant anyway. After a bit I decided that it was a bad idea and headed home. Fortunately I'm one of the few guys who wears a mask all the time there and I also made sure to sanitize when I had to go through some paperwork.
2 1/2 hour nap later, felt a bit better but after working more in the home office still felt a bit off. Temperature normal as is sense of taste so I've not gone for a Covid test. Been a long time since I've been ill.
When I got home I was surprised by a phone call on the land-line from an agency I've worked with in the past. They had a director level role they wanted me to interview for. Pay is a decent bump up from where I am now. I passed as it is a minimum of 2 1/2 hour drive away, is a "start-up" and is in the utility industry where I've not worked before. I'm a manufacturing and distribution guy. I also really am not looking at adding stress to my life in exchange for cash. I'd rather reduce the stress.
Originally Posted by OwnIt
To carry yourself to a better place, tell us about your dream getaway--where will you go, what will you do? S and I have been talking about sailing around the Greek Islands (first he plans to learn to sail-something he's wanted to do forever, and odd given his particular sport that he doesn't know how to do it).
My next trip (other than to visit my daughter) would probably be to the UK. There are a number of museums that I want to visit. I'd also like to go up to Ottawa and do the tourist thing - the only other time I was there was with S and I folded laundry and babysat. Maybe I'll go up there for a day or so next month when I take some time off.
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Learning to sail is useful regardless of if it gets used or not. I would suggest that if your son is interested to look for organized dinghy lessons. That's what I took about 15 years or so ago. An unballasted boat is less forgiving and requires building good skills from the beginning. I also set up my utility trailer as a practice cockpit to get the muscle memory down of how to shift sheets and rudder. Especially if you are using a tiller extension which most small "go fast" boats do, coordinating a the motions of the tiller hand, the one you are holding the mainsheet with and then pivoting from side to side while swapping hands and managing to not flip the boat upside down or get whacked in the head with the boom takes some practice. Since your son is athletic I imagine he'll get it down quickly.
Many dinghy clubs also have club boats where in exchange for your fees and a bit of sweat equity you can take out whenever you like without the burden of ownership. A lot of schools have sailing clubs associated with them too depending on where he's enrolled.
One of the most common boats to learn on and race is the Laser. I learned on a Wayfarer as that's what the club had. The first one I built was based on the Sunfish. A great little boat but required a bit more agility than my chunky middle-aged self was comfortable with. The lack of a jib on some of these means you only have the "go fast" string to worry about.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I hope that you are feeling better today. You were smart in going home and taking care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
How are you feeling today? I learned to sail on Lasers - the fun part was, if you were quick enough, as you were capsizing you could jump over the edge of the boat and stand on the dagger board to right it, all in one smooth move, then jump back into the boat. Of course, I was much younger and more nimble at that time!
I hope that you are feeling better today. You were smart in going home and taking care of yourself.
Originally Posted by kml
How are you feeling today?
Better. I got to bed early and decided to work from home today which gave me an extra hour of sleep.
I realized this morning that my issue was more due to me over-doing things on the weekend and so probably a minor angina episode - the way I feel is consistent with that. I did have a very busy weekend that involved a lot of yard work. So rest is undoubtedly the best thing for me.
When talking to my boss about why I'm home I did mention that I "overdid it on the weekend" but that I managed to get my grass cut. He's been getting more and more messaging from staff that we just can't keep up. The admin staff is upset because they don't get overtime pay despite putting in crazy hours and are starting to rebel. I doubt anything will change. Right now he's convinced that despite the less people and higher volume of orders that we should be able to handle it without any issue.
I need to figure out how to balance things. We've had unusual weather here for late summer. Usually we're bone dry and I would only have to cut the grass every 2 weeks and not have too many weeds in the garden. Instead we have been getting heat and rain - perfect conditions for growing weeds. I got out my weed dragon on Sunday (essentially a flame-thrower) and toasted down some of the weeds that are taking over my drive. One of my neighbours was kind of disturbed by my wandering around with a beer in one hand and the torch in the other I related the story of how I once accidentally set fire to the garage and called my wife at the hardware store "so - if you're still in the store, could you pick up another fire extinguisher? Why? Well I just used up the one we had ..." And now I'm completely unsupervised
It did mean though that this past weekend on top of everything else that I had 3 weeks of yard work to try to catch up on. I was almost tempted to see if I could hire one of the neighbourhood kids. Almost.
I expect to be back in to the plant tomorrow. We just installed some new pumps that should make life easier for me in the scheduling I do. I'll probably be poking away at paperwork for some hours - I have about 20 tonnes going up to be drummed off so lots of math figuring that out.
Originally Posted by kml
I learned to sail on Lasers - the fun part was, if you were quick enough, as you were capsizing you could jump over the edge of the boat and stand on the dagger board to right it, all in one smooth move, then jump back into the boat. Of course, I was much younger and more nimble at that time!
One thing I liked as well is that if everything was going nuts all you have to do is let go of everything and the boat should automatically right itself, turn up towards the wind and go into irons while you sort yourself out. Probably a relationship metaphor there
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, I learned to sail dinghys and was close to learning to sail a catamaran. No idea what a "laser", "wayfarer", or "sunfish" are. Will have to Google them later. (:
Hope you are feeling better. Glad you took it easy!
I related the story of how I once accidentally set fire to the garage and called my wife at the hardware store "so - if you're still in the store, could you pick up another fire extinguisher? Why? Well I just used up the one we had ..." And now I'm completely unsupervised 