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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Okay, aiming my nerf gun at you. She chose to be single on her birthday. -Pew- -Pew- -Pew-
Ha! That made me laugh. Brilliant. And fair enough.

Originally Posted by BL42
Eh. You shouldn't be reaching out. It slows your detachment and gives her some relief from her actions...easing her into the situation and pain of losing the relationship.

Originally Posted by BL42
She is your W who left you and break up your marriage. You should not be providing comfort to ease her burden.
Yes. I see that. Thanks for giving me a shake. I think I'm trying to learn the difference between keeping the way home smoothly paved (or however that goes) and showing her what's she missing by leaving the marriage.

Originally Posted by BL42
Hopefully she's stopped just "swinging by" to chat?
Yes, she has. Apart from her stopping me on the corridor to give me an update on her mother on Monday, nothing. That "nothing" does make it easier.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Someone: "Where is your wife?"
Sound advice given in your post.

Thank you to all for posting. I am feeling a lot stronger today. My IC was once again wonderful which keeps me on track.

A very dear friend got married a couple of years ago. She now lives in another country and a big group of the tribe all went over for the wedding. She set up a Whatsapp group tonight to tell her that her husband has been an utter twat to her and she's now divorcing. She sent us disturbing videos of his behaviour and utterly despicable comments that her husband had made to her.

I felt desperately sorry for her situation, and completely understand why she's divorcing him. However, it made me think, once again, my own marriage really wasn't that bad, yet here I am with the very real prospect of divorce. Incomparable situation, I know, but I still think that W (STBXW?) gave up on something rather than trying to work things out. I have changed, I have learned, I have grown. It's such a waste that she didn't want to stick around to see that.

More fool her, eh.

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Originally Posted by Magnhild
However, it made me think, once again, my own marriage really wasn't that bad, yet here I am with the very real prospect of divorce. Incomparable situation, I know, but I still think that W (STBXW?) gave up on something rather than trying to work things out. I have changed, I have learned, I have grown. It's such a waste that she didn't want to stick around to see that.
I know exactly what you mean and often have the same feelings when I come across the couples who I know have had much worse situations in their relationship than ExW & I ever had (though that's my perception, obviously not hers at this point) and wonder "if they could work through it why couldn't we?"...especially with the young children involved. However, I have to remind myself there's not much use in that type of thinking because ExW & I are where we are regardless, and it's nothing to do with the other couples.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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So here are the facts. 90% of all non- abusive relationship issues are fixable when you have 2 people on board totally committed to fixing them. If you only have one it’s a lost cause. Everyone has a couple friend that has been married for 20-25 years who outwardly have major issues but they are still together and because of so much resentment hate one another and haven’t slept together in 5 years. Does that sound appealing to you guys or would you rather be independent, spend quality time with your children parenting the way you choose and on your free time have a woman come over who can’t wait to jump your bones?

Maghild you are think in the forest. BL you are close to finding your way out. Eventually you will both see the trees.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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I am struggling today. Really struggling.
I have been pretty OK in the big scale of things recently.
W texted me earlier in the week on the same day.
1st text: to tell me that her mother has been released from hospital. I didn't respond
2nd text: had I gone ahead and made the vet appointment she had told me she would make? I hadn't so, didn't respond.
3rd text: not to worry about the previous text as she had mis-read it as she was so stressed. I didn't respond.
She stopped by my room in school on Friday (it's Sunday now) about school stuff and then asked me if she could collect something from the house on Saturday. It was a stupid conversation about a washing rack. We have 3 and she needed one. I use all 3 so told her she had made her decision to move out, so no. She was visibly upset, and I realised I WAS being an arse. Anyway, she also needed her Halloween costumes and said she would be round the next day to pick them up. I made sure I was out as I wanted to give her time to do what she needed without me being around the house.
I have been being really strong and hardly initiating any contact since the day she left, but today I am really having a hard time holding things together. I want to reach out and let her know I want to do everything possible to make our marriage work. I realise that by giving her the space she wants, I don't think I have ever told her that I don't want to give up. Yes, I get the whole "detaching" thing, dropping the rope and all that, and I'm trying to do that. I'm still GALing my butt of.
But I need help from you wise people. If I do let her know how committed I am on working on getting us back on track, that seems to be going against everything I'm reading on here. However, she doesn't know that I am willing to do everything in my power to do so. Should I tell her?

On another note, my previous long term partner (going back over 20 years here) has been in contact recently. She is going through her own bad break up now, too. We chatted for over 3 hours last weekend. It's good to be able to reconnect, and we ended up talking about about her & I. She told me she has always regretted leaving me. I must admit, it felt good to hear that, albeit 20 years later!

I'm not sure why I'm such a wreck today, but please, any hand hold now would be greatly appreciated. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

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Originally Posted by Magnhild
2nd text: had I gone ahead and made the vet appointment she had told me she would make? I hadn't so, didn't respond.
Remember, DB’ing isn’t about being cold or distant—see Sandi’s rules. More “How would you treat a barrista?” This was a question, not an information al text, so i would answer. It’s okay to delay a bit as you’re busy GAL’ing, of course!

Originally Posted by Magnhold
I use all 3 so told her she had made her decision to move out, so no. She was visibly upset, and I realised I WAS being an arse.
Pain and anger can be hard to control. Good job noticing that wasn’t an attractive behavior and/or who you want to be as a person.

Originally Posted by Magnhold
On another note, my previous long term partner (going back over 20 years here) has been in contact recently. She is going through her own bad break up now, too. We chatted for over 3 hours last weekend. It's good to be able to reconnect, and we ended up talking about about her & I. She told me she has always regretted leaving me. I must admit, it felt good to hear that, albeit 20 years later!
Tread lightly. If you dive in, the bandaid of reconnecting with someone will temporarily mask the pain you’re feeling, but soon enough you’ll find it’s still there and you’ve reduced your R chances. Most relationships don’t work our, especially rebounds. This probably makes more sense to pursue when you’re certain it’s over for a period of time. Then, it may help you move on, as an extra wedge to reconciling.



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Magnhild, in one breath you say you’ll do anything, in another you mention a possible replacement lover. I get the sense “anything” doesn’t include giving her time and space. As a starting point, how much time and space without knowing the outcome are you willing to give?



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I apologize if that sounds harsh. Most of us had an “Ill do anything” moment. I think most successful reconciliations don’t come from that moment of terrible anguish. Maybe there’s an expansion of what you’ll accept, but still real limits and requirements driven by your values.



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No, it doesn't sound harsh, but to clarify, it wasn't to mention a possible replacement lover. Far from it. My point was it was good to hear that she regretted breaking up with me! I don't want anything more than friendship on that count. I would just like to hear that my current W also has regrets.
But yep, this anguish is real.
And I can give W all the time and space she needs. I'm just confused if I've ever told her the lengths I would go to. I would like her to know how committed I am to making our M work.

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Hi Mag

If you had told someone you didn’t want to be with them quite clearly and they come back “one last time” to tell you that they would go to any lengths to make it work, how would you feel?

Hint: it wouldn’t be good


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
If you had told someone you didn’t want to be with them quite clearly and they come back “one last time” to tell you that they would go to any lengths to make it work, how would you feel?

Hint: it wouldn’t be good

Ahh.. OK. Got it. Took me a while to get my head around. Yes, I see. I haven't sent anything to her. I took the advice of write it all down, then burn it.

Last edited by Magnhild; 10/24/21 07:27 PM.
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