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Magnhild,

Originally Posted by Magnhild
We started back at school (just staff) on Monday, and it was horrible. Broke down at lunchtime with a colleague. Felt so wrong people asking how the summer was. "What did you guys get up to over the summer?" questions. No-one apart from a few close (mutual) friends at school know.
It must be very difficult having to work in the same building. I can't imagine. Try to stay strong and put on a good face.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
W came to see me at the end of the day, and we were both in tears. I really tried to be strong, but it was so hard.
I'd recommend asking her not to just "come by" at work. You may want to have a discussion with your supervisor (principal) about the situation, and see if there's anything they can do to help from an HR perspective? If nothing else, explain the situation so they understand you're going through a difficult situation and perhaps be more empathic to flexibility you need work-wise. I had to have an embarrassing (in my mind) conversation with my fairly new manager about my sitch explaining why I wasn't meeting some work commitments and he was actually incredibly understanding, flexible, and helped take off the load and now a year later is seeing me crushing it. I'm glad I spoke to him about it.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
For the first time, later that evening, I had to reach out to her to ask how to mend a catch on the bedroom window, hoping she could explain.
Did you need to contact her about that? Any other family, friends, contractors, YouTube videos which could've helped you without her assistance? Remember...don't use those things to create interaction, it's needy and pursuit.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
She came round to fix it and noticed I had taken off my ring and taken down our photos. Please don't criticise but I was very much "This is not what I want, but I accept that you want out of the marriage". So hard.
Did part of you want her to see this? If you're doing those things to move on yourself, great, but don't do them to manipulate her back.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I asked her to go and see the bank about our mortgage, and that I would be contacting a lawyer so we can sort out the financial situation as fairly and as soon as possible. W was really surprised and visibly upset as she thought this could be done amicably.
Agree with CWarrior having a L doesn't prevent it from being done amicably. Also, not sure you want to advertise you met with someone? It's a business negotiation now and you need to look out for yourself...why advertise you're getting legal advice? Hopefully not to manipulate her back...

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Today is Wednesday, and she came to see me at the end of the day asking for her to come round and collect some work clothes. She left a while ago with lots of bags. We talked (politely) about school stuff and no R talk, only business. I had written a list of her belongings that she needs to take and she seemed very taken aback. Although I know it's not my problem, I feel so bad about telling her, as I know how difficult it is going to be for her.
Did you give her a deadline as discussed above? Don't let her drag it out and keep stopping by for another load every few days, which will impact you emotionally. Pack up that list of items you made and leave it in the garage or on the porch. No reason to have her engage with you.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I have secured an appointment with the lawyer on Monday. The irony of having him to legalise our marriage in this country, only to ask him advice on separation is not lost on me. I haven't yet told her the appointment is on Monday. When I spoke about it before, she asked me if I wanted her to come with me. I said no.
No need to advertise you're meeting with a L. And certainly DO NOT invite her along. The L is to protect YOUR interests, not hers - you have no idea if the D will go amicably...regardless of what she's saying now.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
So I went to my home gym to make myself better. It didn't really work too well as although my body is celebrating my new found fitness, my heart is breaking.
It's great you're working out. That will definitely help.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
If at any time during the last few weeks she had said that she just needed some space to sort herself out with the aim of eventually reconciling, this would be playing out differently. But she didn't. I am trying REALLY hard to let go.
Unfortunately the WASs have no interest in working on it, otherwise yes you probably could improve things. It's going to take time to let go. Keep up the work and you'll get there.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I can't help feeling that I am rushing this.
It might feel like that now but the sooner you start the sooner you'll be on a path to feel better and stronger; you won't regret putting in the work ASAP.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I keep telling myself I will get there eventually. I won't always feel like this. I am being strong and doing what I can control and setting the boundaries, but I just don't want this marriage to end.
You will get there! It is hard. Hang in there.


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Good point CWarrior.

Neither of us have experience of divorce, and I do just want to be fair and know both of our rights. W has never expressed the word divorce. I'm not sure if there is such a thing as legal separation here, or whatever that would mean. I just know I need to accept what is out of my control and see what's what in terms of savings and mortgage.

W and I are both very fair people and would never shaft the other. Let's hope these words won't come back to haunt me!

Thank you all for helping me through this.

I have my IC tomorrow, so I'm hoping that I will feel a lot better tomorrow than I do tonight.

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Worst thing I have ever experienced. Looking back at all the personal growth since, best thing to happen to me.

Everything happens for a reason. Embrace this as your chance to make any positive changes to you. Focus on that.

True love is giving the other person what they want, even if it is not what you want. This may just be a vacation from the relationship. For some it is, for others it is the end. None of us know. You Divorce Bust your butt off and see if she has a change of heart.


Everything that I have seen that works is counter intuitive to the person's natural instincts. You feel like you are rushing this, but you are not. You are doing the best thing for you. She has a huge head start on you. Pass her with our help.


Do your research on attraction and seduction. Learn new ways of interacting. These skills will pay off with her and others.

One mistake that I see over and over is the LBS believes talking will solve the issue. It almost always makes it worse.

Another mistake is making changes to draw the other person back. The real reason to make the changes is to be the best version of you possible. For example, I might suggest start dressing sexier. She might notice, but the real reason is for you to feel sexy. Others will definitely notice. The way you dress is one small part of all the changes that you can potentially make.


HUGS,

R2C


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
BL42 #2923143 09/03/21 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
For example, I might suggest start dressing sexier. She might notice, but the real reason is for you to feel sexy. Others will definitely notice. The way you dress is one small part of all the changes that you can potentially make.

R2C
I think I'm doing all right on that front smile

Saw my IC yesterday afternoon. It was a good session as it had been a good day. The kids were back in school, and teaching again gave me a much needed boost of "normality". The therapist was very impressed with my mindset and the decisions I have taken in regard to the house and the lawyer, and basically reiterated what you lovely folks here have been saying. My "work husband" AKA my boss AKA my best mate left the school before the summer, and the new head (who I work with very closely) seems a tosser. When I mentioned this to the therapist, she was incredibly sympathetic to the double-whammy that is my new reality. Two big loves, one personal and one professional at the same time. Although I'm not comparing the breakup of my marriage to losing my work husband, I really could have done without both being at the same time.

But, this roller coster is mental. Yesterday, I felt on the top of the world. Really felt like I was finally moving on. Yet this evening I get a text from her that she wants to come round tomorrow to "sort out" some of her stuff, and it punched me in the gut. I would like to have replied "please just take everything all at once", but realistically all our folders of paperwork during our years together do need to be separated, and I shouldn't be the one to have to do it. I have tried not to let it affect me, and to keep being strong but I'm wobbling.

As it happens I will be out tomorrow, so I have no intention of replying.

BL42 mentioned speaking to my supervisor - I have done so already. We're very much a family school and those that need to know are being very supportive. As are my amazing friends that are making sure I'm keeping busy and filling my life with lots of fun times.

One of the biggest challenges is seeing her everyday at school. Although it has just been in passing the last couple of days, she will be accompanying her class to my lessons next week. I have no doubt we will both be very professional, but jeez - I could really do without that.

I will just be absolutely blinding and fabulous.

Thank you to all that have been replying to my ramblings. I have seen in other threads the incredible support that is on this forum, and at times like this, you are all hugely appreciated by the many that are having a really rubbish time.

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Originally Posted by Magnhild
Although it has just been in passing the last couple of days, she will be accompanying her class to my lessons next week. I have no doubt we will both be very professional, but jeez - I could really do without that.
I bet! One thing that made it easier for me to detach from my long-term XGF was blocking all forms of contact--including calls, texts, and social media. That didn't stop her from attending a couple of events I was leading and/or organizing, but less contact was better. I hope these shared classrooms are a temporary thing, and you or your school figure out a way to limit or eliminate them. I am still with your therapist, impressed by how bravely and intelligently you're navigating this change.



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Mag,

You are handling all of this very well! You are going to have good days and bad days. The grief may be shockingly painful, and then it will subside and come again. Unfortunately this is not a smooth journey and will be bumpy and messy at times. First and foremost protect yourself. You are getting some great advice from these guys. I am impressed by their words. When feeling lost or confused, read it again. One day at a time.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, BluWave & CW. They mean a lot.

Still, I hate this roller coaster of emotions. Today at school was another tough one, seeing each other around; no chats, just polite hellos. Arrrrggghhhh!

Then I went to see my lawyer. What a lovely bloke! He was the one who helped get our marriage legalised in this country, and fought for my citizenship. Wasn't cheap but he did an excellent job then. I came away feeling SO much better.

Apart from the enormity of heartbreak, I have been so worried about the financial aspect of the situation, but when things are laid out in black and white, I realised just how lucky I am in terms of my own financial security. His advice? Do nothing apart from set up separate bank accounts and divide anything that's in it now. Keep a running check of what she is spending on an excel document, and when (and if) she files for divorce, then worry about the house part later. I know she doesn't want to sell now, and hasn't spoken about a divorce. Don't worry, I am aware this could change in the future, but it won't happen tomorrow. The sun will still rise smile

The lawyer has no crystal ball, but was optimistic. He pointed out our age difference. He is in the same situation with 12 years difference between us (the older of the couple) and our wives. It was almost like a marriage counsellor meeting rather than with a lawyer.

This has NEVER been an issue between me & W before - she always seemed the most mature of us in some ways smile However, she has never been alone or lived alone before, and I guess I have to let her take her journey while I take mine.

I'm still not drinking, apart from dinners out which are few & far between and still working out. Feeling and looking pretty darn fine.

W & I will need to sit down and talk money at some point, but I'll leave that to her for the time being. I'll set up a separate account for me tomorrow. L also suggested leaving it up to W whether to take all her stuff or not. Keep quiet until she mentions it again.

When in doubt, do nothing.

Feeling so much better than just a few hours ago.

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Originally Posted by Magnhild
When in doubt, do nothing.
I agree. Very important. Take your time to decide what actions/decisions to take.


Originally Posted by Magnhild
Still, I hate this roller coaster of emotions.
Embracing your emotions might be a good 180. We are emotional beings. The challenge is controlling them when needed (IE in the presence of others) and then fully expressing them when it is safe.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I'm still not drinking, apart from dinners out which are few & far between
I am not a big drinker, but saw the temptation during my sitch. I avoided drinking alcohol and every time I went out I drank a crazy amount of water. I did drink on two occasions. One was out with a group of ladies for a bachelorette party. The other was free drinks from the bartender one night. I guess my point is can you avoid alcohol completely while dealing with your current sitch?

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I'll set up a separate account for me tomorrow.
Perfect.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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So latest update.

I have spent so, so many hours on this board and reading other people’s situations. Bluwave, if you ever read these threads you have been an absolute godsend to me. I have read your entire history. Your words are so full of compassion and intelligence, you have got me through these dark times. But there are so many others on this board whose stories and thoughts are immeasurable in their strength and wisdom.

The last couple of weeks have continued to be a rollercoaster, but I am learning to love the highs but be aware when the lows are looming.

I opened my separate bank account which, together with seeing an old friend the previous night and filling him in with the latest, left me raw. Unfortunately, as I was driving home I received a text from the W saying she was round and packing up more stuff. I made the cardinal sin of falling apart in front of her, and going against everything that I have learned on these forums. I tried to control how bereft I was feeling, but told her that although I am accepting that from her our relationship is over, I really, REALLY didn’t want this. Jeez, I was a mess, and am embarrassed at how weak I must have looked. Fuch it. I made a mistake. I will get there.

Since then, I have been actually really fine. Maybe I needed those last tears to seal it, and am now feeling controlled and resigned to whatever happens now.

I still see her around at school, which hurts. She came into my lesson a couple of days ago with her class, and looked dreadful. This was due to a stomach upset, and went home sick later that day. I had conflicting thoughts of a) texting her to hope she feels better and b) not contacting her as isn’t this the consequence of leaving a marriage and not having your partner give support? It was like having the angel and devil on each shoulder. Although I will probably get slammed on here for admitting this, I do want to be compassionate with everyone, so I sent the text.

Our mutual friends have been absolutely awesome, and even though they are supporting us both, they seem to have gravitated towards me more and more. They have been arranging lots of good fun things to do for which I am immensely grateful for.

On the health front, I am continuing to be fabulous and receiving a lot of flattering remarks from people.

Today I am strong. I feel as if I am turning a corner, and all I want now is for her to file for divorce so that I can really move forward. Do I still want the marriage to work? Hell yes, but I am resigned to the situation, and although still gutted, I do know that I WILL be OK. Today I am on the top of the rollercoaster. I’m pretty sure that the low dips may come, but I am getting more used to dealing with these.

I WILL be OK. It will take time, but roll with the good feelings.

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Originally Posted by Magnhild
Unfortunately, as I was driving home I received a text from the W saying she was round and packing up more stuff. I made the cardinal sin of falling apart in front of her, and going against everything that I have learned on these forums.
Magnhild, we all make mistakes. You're doing your best, you recognized it as a mistake, and you're trying to improve. What more would you ask from your students?

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I had conflicting thoughts of a) texting her to hope she feels better and b) not contacting her as isn’t this the consequence of leaving a marriage and not having your partner give support? Although I will probably get slammed on here for admitting this, I do want to be compassionate with everyone, so I sent the text.
Detachment is treating her like anyone else rather than as a partner/friend/lover. We all have different "defaults" as to how we treat other people. If another teacher you interact with occasionally were sick, what would you do? If you'd seek out their cell # and text "I hope you feel better", then your actions are in-line with detachment, and if not they are not in-line with detachment. I'm sympathetic for co-workers who are sick, but would only express that if we were already interacting. E.g., they send me an e-mail "I'm sick so I can't complete project X". "Your health is the priority! I hope you feel better."

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Today I am strong. I feel as if I am turning a corner, and all I want now is for her to file for divorce so that I can really move forward.
Great! Beware of passive-aggressive actions that sometimes follow this feeling such as pushing her to divorce or reconcile. If you want to be D'd, you can D. If you want to stand, you can stand.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I WILL be OK. It will take time, but roll with the good feelings.
I'm so happy to see you in a good place. (:



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