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Originally Posted by smilie
So she sent me a text message when she dumped me, saying that she would not abandon me and she would pay the rent and bills until the end of August. - she had cancelled everything two days before sending that message and has only just announced this 11 weeks later and having been given ample opportunity to do so previously.

- She paid one month's rent out of the money she took from my bank account.
- She has cancelled the utilities (gas, water, electric) in her name on the day she left.
- She has arranged to cancel internet and phone from 31 August.

I wasn't referring to the lawyer.
Her exact text was "the rent and bills." I imagine it was frustrating learning "the bills" only included phone and Internet, and she changed her mind about the rent. In your area, is texting an intention to pay rent, legally binding? That's a simple question for your attorney. If yes, a request to her attorney or the court should get your money back. If no, your court allows changing one's mind. Around me, binding contracts often require signatures and/or witnesses such as notaries. It may differ around you.

Paying you less is in the best interest of her and her chosen family.

Creating a mess for you is a side effect.

Be careful with recorded phone calls. Around me, if it was a voicemail you're golden, but if you recorded her live without her permission you'd be the one in hot water. The laws may differ around you.



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Hi smilie! How are things going?



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smilie Offline OP
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Thanks for asking. Things have been tough, emotionally and practically. I understand what you were saying from my wife perspective that she just wants the best for her, but I just can't get over the way she has gone about it - pretending everything was fine up until the last moment but planning a year or so in advance, on so on.... It is cold and it has effected me terribly.

I may have lost the house I was going for due to the complications of this maintenance claim and my lawyer advising I wait a few days. That few days has now turned into over 2 weeks and still no outcome. If I still have a chance to get this house (I called them yesterday and am waiting a callback) then I may suggest that my wife just settle on paying my years rent (which I need to put up front and will be the claim money that she unlawfully removed a year prior to leaving) & legal costs, then I will have no further claim on her , or her on me. Not in my best interests, but if this goes on further I will be left with absolutely nothing as it will go on both the wife and the lawyer. So really I don't see the point. I am thinking a clean break and retain my pension funds to fall back on.

Everything seems to complicated. My wife said at the start of this that she wanted to keep things simple and not rack-up legal costs, yet she's once again doing exactly the opposite. I don't trust anything she does or says.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling and I seem to be stuck getting stuff done, liking sorting out the house contents/packing. I am part-way through but it slowed/stopped when all this court stuff for maintenance got going.

I feel the whole world is out to get me at the moment and truly wish that I had an income to help give me more options. My vertigo and other symptoms have been awful, so has the doctor and I feel completely alone. Saying that, I'm going out today with a couple of other people just to get out and I did find a couple of meetup groups that meet once and week. But only got internet for a couple of weeks then that's that gone.

I'll know more once I get a response from the rental agent.

Sorry it wasn't more upbeat!


M(55), W(45)
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smilie, if you could make her stay against her will, would you?


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No, never.

I wouldn't do or expect that, which is why I agreed for her to go when she told me she wanted space for a couple of days (the excuse to leave). Part of me knew that it was likely she wouldn't return, reinforced by the brief heavy sob that she let out when she briefly hugged me before she went, but I hoped that she would. Of course I tried to find the issue and the why and the discussion went down that route - of course it did. Then just before she went I told her that she was breaking my heart - she was, she did ... she has.

Neither would I want her back, not the person she has shown herself to be now anyway. I would have appreciated honesty though, rather than this despicable cloak and dagger stuff that started at least 2 years prior and has been built on lies, deceit and so much hurt, manipulation (that I'm still working out) & the financial loss - only uncovered after she had left.

I think of our life together, certain days just pop into my mind continually, each one stabbing the emptiness in my heart until it physically hurts. Did I, would I want to change her mind, yes I would want to change her mind, yes I tried. I wouldn't know how to make anybody stay against their will, surely this is not possible, is it?


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Originally Posted by smilie
I feel completely alone. Saying that, I'm going out today with a couple of other people just to get out and I did find a couple of meetup groups that meet once and week.
That's fantastic! GAL is strongly correlated with positive outcomes.

Originally Posted by smilie
But only got internet for a couple of weeks then that's that gone.
Have you worked out borrowing your neighbor's wi-fi or public access points? I understand not wanting to do banking on public wi-fi, but maybe accessing Meetup is okay?



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by smilie
I feel completely alone. Saying that, I'm going out today with a couple of other people just to get out and I did find a couple of meetup groups that meet once and week.
That's fantastic! GAL is strongly correlated with positive outcomes.
It was nice yesterday, but felt really strange, like I'm in some strange reality in my head. Meetup groups are only online, none around here that meet IRL at the moment. There was one groups but they are in a different part of the country.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by smilie
But only got internet for a couple of weeks then that's that gone.
Have you worked out borrowing your neighbor's wi-fi or public access points? I understand not wanting to do banking on public wi-fi, but maybe accessing Meetup is okay?
The neighbours aren't interested in letting me borrow - I have asked twice now. The public wifi here has only 2 spots in the town - a cafe and a pub - and they are both really weak and keep timing out. It's a nightmare.


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Originally Posted by smilie
No, never.

I wouldn't do or expect that, which is why I agreed for her to go when she told me she wanted space for a couple of days (the excuse to leave). Part of me knew that it was likely she wouldn't return, reinforced by the brief heavy sob that she let out when she briefly hugged me before she went, but I hoped that she would. Of course I tried to find the issue and the why and the discussion went down that route - of course it did. Then just before she went I told her that she was breaking my heart - she was, she did ... she has.

Neither would I want her back, not the person she has shown herself to be now anyway. I would have appreciated honesty though, rather than this despicable cloak and dagger stuff that started at least 2 years prior and has been built on lies, deceit and so much hurt, manipulation (that I'm still working out) & the financial loss - only uncovered after she had left.

I think of our life together, certain days just pop into my mind continually, each one stabbing the emptiness in my heart until it physically hurts. Did I, would I want to change her mind, yes I would want to change her mind, yes I tried. I wouldn't know how to make anybody stay against their will, surely this is not possible, is it?

No smilie, it isn't possible. Not legally as to do so would be kidnapping. But my point wasn't that it was possible. I like the way you answered. That no you wouldn't want her to stay if she doesn't want to. This is the right answer. But letting go is more than just a physical thing. Letting go is emotional and mental too. You've done the physical letting go. But you continue to struggle with the emotional and mental part. Which tells me that you were overly attached, probably from the beginning.

I detect in you a tendency I've seen in a few people over the course of my life. The tendency to latch on to someone and not want to let go no matter what that person says or does. It reminds me of the scene in Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carrey's character is told by the object of his desire that there is a 1 in a million chance of them ending up together. And his character responds with "So you're saying there's a chance!" No actually she said the opposite, but he heard what he wanted to hear in order to continue to pursue her.

smilie, I think you know logically she is gone forever, but your heart won't let you understand that. And then your lack of self assurance makes you think that your world is ending. It isn't. She isn't your life, your existence. Heck no one can be that. We live in an imperfect world where disease and death is around the corner! You could have lost her to those things at any moment in time. Being paralyzed by her loss to the point of not being able to move forward is unhealthy (which is why you need IC). And it isn't fair to the other person to put that kind of pressure on them. No one wants to be responsible for another person's happiness!

So what are you going to do to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get out of your malaise? It is up to you! CW is a perfect example of someone that recently did that.


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Well technically you can make someone stay against their will without it being kidnapping, but it takes a sh!t ton of emotional manipulation and a totally lack of empathy to do so. So it's possible but I don't think anyone who's even in the slightest emotionally evolved would want to do that.

As to the how things ended. While I can understand your distress over the financial aspects of this, because let's be real she was basically grifting you at the end, I'm not really sure why you're so hyper focused on her planning her exit for a year or two. This is entirely common. Most people don't just up and leave marriages. Especially ones that aren't brand new.

My H was considering an exit for almost a year before he actually planned to leave me for OW, but could never go through it. Not because he didn't want out, but because every time he thought he was ready to go he remembered why he was there in the first place. In his case it would turn into a cycle of resentment for me literally making his life easier and being a good wife. He was mad that I was "keeping him there." Which obviously I wasn't. He was just realizing his reasoning for leaving was ridiculous, and me just being me got in the way of his flawed logic. He can articulate that now, but at the time it was all vitriol and re-written history.

I had been wanting out for half of my MR in my first MR. I'd come back in because he'd beg and cry, and promise to change. And we'd do the same thing over and over. And finally I got to a point where I decided I just needed to get out. I started stashing money away as my ex was financial abusive it was very, very hard for me to get my hands on that money and hide it. I can say I wasn't planning on leaving when I left. I had hoped to stay for 6-12 more months so I could leave and get a place of my own with all my own stuff, but something happened financially and I refused to bail him out so when he went to go beg his parents for the money I packed me and my kid up and went to go stay with a friend who had extra rooms for us.

I realize these are just two examples but there are tons on this board. There are very few people who wake up one day and think you know I want out and just leave. And honestly I would think a person like that is far more unhinged than a person who's really thought about leaving for a while before they pull the trigger. And would your pain right now be any less if she just packed her sh!t and walked out the door to never return? You can't control how this happened. It sukks. I understand. But focus that energy on something you can control.

So in that vein, here stateside people with low and fixed incomes can get a huge discount on broadband and DSL internet. According to a quick google search it says people with Pension Credit, Income Support or Universal Credit are eligible for BT+Broadband, and it seems pretty low cost. It also says Virgin Media is a good option as they do offer low income deals. I'm not sure how that would all work but it's something you may want to look into.

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Hi smilie! I hope wayfarer's stories help. I'll add my preparations to ensure I'd come out okay if I D'd began before I made a final D / no-D decision. Just now I'm imagining my XW scratching her head months after I left and imagining, "Eureeka! So that's why he was so eager to see me switch from breastfeeding to pumping. He planned to leave a year before he left!!" In case that sounds odd, breastfeeding is a factor courts consider in some states when awarding custody.



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