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Long ago in a galaxy far, far away I had an XW (11yrs) and an XGF (8mo). My life's always been chaos, but my home's at a point I can have house guests over, and my Bumbling's improving.

Previous Thread:

I'm Climbing the Mountain (again) in 2022 III

Yesterday was an absolutely perfect afternoon date--that began and ended miserably.

I only had 5hrs of sleep when my alarm went off signaling I needed to leave in an hour to meet Ms Sunshine and go kayaking. I spent 15min in the shower, 15min on a picnic, and 45min on my car before deciding it was still a "D"in cleanliness plus no license (misplaced), no registration (needs a smog check), and a check engine light (why it won't pass a smog check). My front door handle broke unexpectedly on my way out. I started to wonder why I was dating at all?! I need to invest more time in ordering my home, car, and life!

I asked Ms Suneshine to drive. The kayak rental shop told us rentals could go to B but no further. We talked to the manager and he approved us going to point C, 2.5x further than point B! I was excited we got approval and she was up for it. As we rowed past point B, a ranger stopped us. "You can't get to point C! Does your rental shop know?!" We clarified we had approval and continued on. Ms Sunshine said it sounded like I was determined to get to point C. I said I was happy to turn around anywhere, I was mostly there for her company. Well, we got to point C and she wanted to go further! She opened up about all sorts of things. She said she felt so safe. When we got back, what most impressed me, was she wasn't tired out AND she taught me a new kayaking stroke. (:

I pointed out it was too late for our picnic and said it was okay. She called her XH to re-arrange her son's pickup time, and her friend to postpone getting together. I laid out 3 local artisan cheeses, grapes, shortbreads, wine, water, bread, and three types of nuts. She said she hadn't known whether to tell her friend this was a date or not. She stared into my eyes.. and.. I didn't say anything?! I felt VERY awkward. I don't know what I wanted. My whole plan had been NOT to label today and see what happened. I felt tired and not up to making a decision. I focused on my food. I talked about what I saw on the beach. I cleaned up. With the food in-between us gone, I sat closer to her like earlier. She seemed open to a kiss but I didn't know if I wanted that?! I said we should get going. On the way home I was quiet, and she filled the silence by asking me questions, which I gave brief non-answers to. When I left I gave her a hug and said bye, then she followed me to my car?! I gave her another hug and said bye again.

I sent her a text that evening thanking her for a lovely day, but decided to sleep on everything. I thought about what LH, Ginger, or Dawn would do. Then I thought about what my best self would say--

"So, yesterday, sitting on a scenic beach with you in a pretty dress after a perfect afternoon, I was taken off-guard but what I was feeling. I like you. I would love to take you on a dinner date, if the awkwardness at the end of the day didn't scare you off. ;)"

I acknowledged how I was feeling and acting oddly at the end, I didn't apologize because it wasn't "wrong" to do so, and I told her I was up for a dinner date. Even if she says no, hopefully clearing the air about what happened makes it easier for us to move forward as adventure buddies.

In any event, the next step is to organize my life before anyone looks too closely. (:

Last edited by job; 08/10/21 05:28 PM. Reason: Fixed link


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hmm. interesting. there's a woman who you are comfortable with, can keep up with your adventuring self, and time flies when you're together, yet when she asks you if it's a date, you retreat. my bunnyboiler got more of a shot ... so, gotta ask -- what's up with that?

the answer to my question isn't for me, but for you and worth mining ... not necessarily worth answering here, but do please answer it for yourself.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
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^^^ ms bunnyboiler, not my bunny boiler. I've never had a bunny boiler. There was someone who I believe would have been a future restraining order candidate, but i sent him packing and never let him know where i lived.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
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I love that you followed up honestly. That's perfect, and also little vulnerable, which is brave!

I am wondering if you can figure out (for yourself), what gave you pause, and why you started over-thinking. Might be good for you to get to the bottom of your feelings. I know for me, I don't always know right off what is going on feelings-wise.

Does sound like a lovely day overall and yes, for the love of Pete get your car sorted lol


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Originally Posted by 97Hope
That's perfect, and also little vulnerable, which is brave!
Aww, thank you!

Originally Posted by Butterfly
hmm. interesting. there's a woman who you are comfortable with, can keep up with your adventuring self, and time flies when you're together, yet when she asks you if it's a date, you retreat. my bunnyboiler got more of a shot ... so, gotta ask -- what's up with that?
I feel vulnerable because I know her and she's in my social circle. That's normal.

In addition, I'm afraid she'll see me because her life's so together while mine's so disorganized. There are parts of me I don't want anybody to see. My car. My home. I need to fix those parts.

I'm afraid I'll hurt her because I've been a heartbreaker to the women who were good to me. I often breakup because I don't feel enough physical chemistry. Us guys sometimes like bad girls we can change. wink


All this is getting ahead of--we're JUST going to dinner and a movie together. Relax and enjoy. (:

Logistics--a) clean out car, b) wash car, c) fix check engine light, d) get smog check, e) fix registration, f) get driver's license, g) Cancel existing random first date since it conflicts. Yeah, I feel bad about that one. A lot to start hacking away at.



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Since I have not been able to get in to comment on any posts lately, I'm late to the party, but bttrfly asked exactly what I was thinking so I'm good. LOL You remind me of myself, CW, in that you seem to overthink a LOT. Just relax and let stuff flow! Work on your car and your house and get those to a place you are proud of and stop over-analyzing every interaction. While your picnics sound amazing, I still think those might be a bit too much for a first date. Relax and enjoy...you got this!


Me 51, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Thanks, Dawn70. My car is in better shape today. (:

Well, I needed a physical credit card for my daughter. Cue 2.5 hours last night working to resolve that. "Kid in need" cuts through procrastination! My D is struggling with returning to school. She had just started high school when COVID hit. She fell out of contact with her high school friends during COVID and starting hanging with middle school and activity friends. Now that she's back in school, she feels alone. I listened, I validated, I helped with what I could. In one of her classes, she said a girl was crying. She wanted to comfort her, but expected someone else would. The teacher and other kids ignored the crying student. That made my D uncomfortable. I told her the other kids may have similarly expected someone else to do something. It's a common reason for inaction. I suggested if she feels like it, to reach out--"Hey, glad you're feeling a little better." or "Hey, are you okay?" Hopefully she makes an ally. Making friends in new environments is an important life skill.

re: Ms Sunshine, she began texting A TON and I responded modestly. I enjoy her but couldn't keep up! Then her texting dropped off. Today we went cycling together and I scored points with her son. "Her son?!" you ask! I hung out with her and her son before this. It would be more awkward to start avoiding her son than to see him today as usual. No flirting this morning, of course!

Our date is tonight. My nerves settled and I feel chill. I will test the waters. I will do what feels good. I HOPE another kissable moment presents itself and my odd response hasn't quelled her eagerness! I know she likes ME, so I'm up for ANY direction this goes. That may sound strange since I'm usually all about slowing down anything physical.



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I read something recently which may resonate with you. It certainly stopped me in my tracks. Paraphrasing, clutter is a tool used to help us isolate and keep people from really knowing us.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
I read something recently which may resonate with you. It certainly stopped me in my tracks. Paraphrasing, clutter is a tool used to help us isolate and keep people from really knowing us.
FlyLady refers to this as CHAOS. Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome.

That's what I lived in for most of my marriage. My ex was pretty embarrassed by the condition of the house and we pretty much never hosted anything.

She was a pretty mild hoarder - certainly nothing compared to S - but it weighed on her mind I am sure. The dining room could only be used after a few days of work to clear things up which usually meant piling the stuff up in corners.

To me and what I've lived in the past, clutter is deferred decisions, not necessarily laziness. S's hoarding and clutter was indeed laziness, but with my ex it was deferred decisions. Not sure if you need something out of the paper? Leave it on the table. Not sure what do do with those craft supplies? Leave them where they are. etc etc etc The layers build, the effort to deal with it multiplies until it becomes overwhelming.

Not knowing CWarrior very well at all, I can't really think about the root causes here for his own issues. Certainly something that he might well want to explore. If I could be so bold, he seems like a thoughtful, creative and capable person. Given the various roles he's hinted at he undoubtedly has a level of organizational ability. Reminds me in some ways of my boss who has layers upon layers of paper in his office. He can put his hand in any one piece of it in a moment and is very competent at his job. Me, on the other hand, I'm a "clean desk" person. Different systems work for different people.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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I am exactly like your boss when it comes to my desk. it looks messy to everyone else, because there are things stacked but I can put my hand on anything at a moment's notice. It was ever thus. They say that's the sign of a creative mind. I dunno. Just how I work best.

there are other quirks - my closet has to be immaculate at all times, as do the drawers of my bureaus.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
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