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#2922173 08/06/21 01:35 PM
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It’s time for an update. My last thread was already at about 100 so I’m just starting new.

Recap: bomb in Feb., that was obviously a long time coming. We go through mediation and are near D. W gets COVID in April and decides she wants to try to make the M work. Yet, when I make efforts she is not receptive and does nothing different on her own. Everything seems the same as it seemed the past few years, which was not good.

1st thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2915700#Post2915700
2nd thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2919733&page=1

Last I was here was my anniversary in mid June. I wondered how my W would acknowledge it. When I gave her flowers and said “Happy Anniversary” she said “Oh is that today?” There was no thank you, no happy A back, no sorry I forgot, nothing at all. I didn’t think I had any expectations, but I guess I did expect more than nothing.

In my mind, that was the end. She said she wanted to work on it, but had done nothing to show me that I meant anything to her. She had done nothing to show she even wanted to work on herself. I could wait if I saw progress, if I saw any effort, but there was none. I believe what LH has warned, that her coming back without making any effort isn't going to last, she was going to just walk again at some point.

I stopped putting in any effort to the MR myself, I stopped worrying about her so much. I always think I'm detached but am really not, but I think I finally reached my point of detachment. Funny what puts you over the edge. I spent a lot of time with the kids. I worked through feeling like a fool for thinking she wanted to work on it. I worked more and more on the idea that we would get a D, and got more comfortable with that. I haven't been 100% there yet, change is tough and it's scary, but I know it's coming.

This past weekend we had a big but short fight. I don’t need to get into the details, we both ended up saying we were unhappy but she cut off any discussion. Sunday she barely spoke to me all day and then texted me shortly before I went to bed that she’d been looking at apartments lately and found one she liked, she’d probably sign a lease soon. I said great, let me know so I can put the deposit in the budget. She said I should stay in the house so the kids can stay here when they are with me, but I didn't respond to that, not sure yet, our past agreement was to sell it.

I did ask her what happened in April—why did she stop the D process, say she wanted to try and make it work, but then ignore all of my attempts to communicate and work on the M. She said guilt over the kids and fear. I said that communication was always a problem and no M can work without it, and we should have gone to therapy to help facilitate that, and she didn’t respond.

There are some loose ends to clean up and I have to decide if I really want the house, but D is again imminent. I do think the past few months have made me more ready. I certainly could have done things differently, but I don't think the result would have changed, she never really seemed into it. And I think it was useful for me, for us to have this "last chance" and see how she treated it, to help me move on.

The more time passes the more I come to terms with the fact that it has been many years since I’ve been in a loving relationship so what would I really be losing here, what am I afraid of? Financially it’s going to be a big negative and that has given me pause too, but I’ll recover. It’s not great for the kids, but the unhealthy M we are modeling for them isn’t great either. The bottom line is, do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? I don’t. I gave myself till Feb. to figure things out and here we are 6 months early, but I've figured it out.


Me: 43 W: 41
Together 2009, Married 2011
Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5
Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
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Hey Mako,

Clearly she's content with letting you go, so set her free.

Stop all pursuit, process your feelings, and begin to rebuild. And when you make it past the pain and disappointment, you will be positioned to either attract your W back, or someone better.

Thorn

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Originally Posted by Thornton
Clearly she's content with letting you go, so set her free. Stop all pursuit, process your feelings, and begin to rebuild.
Search for LFA in youtube. Start with "How get respect from women" or "The only power Men have in a relationship". Learn new ways of being and interacting.

Be the leader.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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mako,

Originally Posted by mako
Last I was here was my anniversary in mid June. I wondered how my W would acknowledge it. When I gave her flowers and said “Happy Anniversary” she said “Oh is that today?” There was no thank you, no happy A back, no sorry I forgot, nothing at all. I didn’t think I had any expectations, but I guess I did expect more than nothing.

In my mind, that was the end. She said she wanted to work on it, but had done nothing to show me that I meant anything to her. She had done nothing to show she even wanted to work on herself. I could wait if I saw progress, if I saw any effort, but there was none. I believe what LH has warned, that her coming back without making any effort isn't going to last, she was going to just walk again at some point.
Sorry your anniversary didn't work out the way you had hoped.

Originally Posted by mako
I stopped putting in any effort to the MR myself, I stopped worrying about her so much. I always think I'm detached but am really not, but I think I finally reached my point of detachment. Funny what puts you over the edge. I spent a lot of time with the kids. I worked through feeling like a fool for thinking she wanted to work on it. I worked more and more on the idea that we would get a D, and got more comfortable with that. I haven't been 100% there yet, change is tough and it's scary, but I know it's coming.
It's probably going to take quite awhile to get fully (or mostly) detached. I'm 1.5yr from BD, 1yr from physical separation, and officially D a few months and still working on it.

Originally Posted by mako
This past weekend we had a big but short fight. I don’t need to get into the details, we both ended up saying we were unhappy but she cut off any discussion. Sunday she barely spoke to me all day and then texted me shortly before I went to bed that she’d been looking at apartments lately and found one she liked, she’d probably sign a lease soon. I said great, let me know so I can put the deposit in the budget.
Careful making statements/promises on the budget and apartment deposit. D becomes a financial negotiation and do you really want to sign up for paying for her apartment as she's leaving you? Don't offer up free money at this point.

Originally Posted by mako
She said I should stay in the house so the kids can stay here when they are with me, but I didn't respond to that, not sure yet, our past agreement was to sell it.
Good job thinking about it, but (and I forget the age of your kids) consider you staying with the kids at the house they're accustomed to and how that'll 1) provide comfort for them and 2) shape the way they look at things in the future (E.g., mommy and daddy both moved to different places vs. mommy moved out of our house and daddy stayed)

Originally Posted by mako
I did ask her what happened in April—why did she stop the D process, say she wanted to try and make it work, but then ignore all of my attempts to communicate and work on the M. She said guilt over the kids and fear. I said that communication was always a problem and no M can work without it, and we should have gone to therapy to help facilitate that, and she didn’t respond.
She should feel guilty about the kids. She's upsetting their lives for her own selfish reasons.

Originally Posted by mako
There are some loose ends to clean up and I have to decide if I really want the house, but D is again imminent. I do think the past few months have made me more ready. I certainly could have done things differently, but I don't think the result would have changed, she never really seemed into it. And I think it was useful for me, for us to have this "last chance" and see how she treated it, to help me move on.
Sorry man. Glad to hear you're more accepting. At least you know in your heart you tried and did what you though was right to save the marriage. You're probably right it's on her and you couldn't have changed it.

Originally Posted by mako
The more time passes the more I come to terms with the fact that it has been many years since I’ve been in a loving relationship so what would I really be losing here, what am I afraid of? Financially it’s going to be a big negative and that has given me pause too, but I’ll recover. It’s not great for the kids, but the unhealthy M we are modeling for them isn’t great either. The bottom line is, do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? I don’t. I gave myself till Feb. to figure things out and here we are 6 months early, but I've figured it out.
Hang in there. Stay around here. Keep working on yourself and GAL when you don't have the kids. Hope to hear a good update soon.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by mako
I believe what LH has warned, that her coming back without making any effort isn't going to last, she was going to just walk again at some point.
Mako sorry to hear about your latest update. Unfortunately this is very predictable and why I pressed you so much to make her work for it. Dbing has a lot to do with timing and I felt you had a small window to get her to recommit. I took a lot of flack for it as certain members where trying to push me off the board. I have always felt that relationships are about value and if it is not something you have to work for it is not sustainable. Taking a WS back to easy is basically a stay of execution. Your journey is just beginning because your W will surely struggle in the coming years with three young kids so you may have another opportunity down the road if you so choose.


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It's painful but necessary to truly evaluate the relationship they are offering (or not offering) and to analyze and be honest about what we have been/are willing to accept.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I did not want my XH anymore, but I had to list out the reality of a R with him. It helped so much. For a long time after BD, we look at the R through those rose-colored glasses, but as we heal and process, we can see it all.

I agree with BL42!! DO NOT agree to anything financial. It's a business deal. Full stop. Talk to a L and take everything you can. You are dealing with a person you don't know anymore, who is not interested in your best, they are only thinking about how they feel and they are in the center of every choice they make right now. I fought hard for my settlement and I am so glad I did. I let my L handle everything and I have no regrets. Ironically, my XH respected the heck out of me (that's not why I did it).

Bottom line, don't try and be a nice guy when it comes to finances.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

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LH I have to disagree with you here. It wasn't accountability it was intention. There was so little time in this situation that demanding MR or anything else wouldn't have made a difference. And likely would've been seen as pressure and just closed the door sooner. She was never all in. I was clear that I was concerned about that. I think everyone was. She did what most WS/WAS do. She said things she didn't mean to buy time to decide. As you said a stay of execution. But I think that stay of execution helped mako figure out what he wants and needs, and stbxw isn't it.

I'm sorry mako. It's unfortunate to have some hope and to have it all come crashing down. But like LH said you do have really little kids you have a long road ahead of you with stbxw. There's a lot of room for a lot of things to happen. Or maybe like my first MR maybe this is the best thing for everyone. Only time will tell.

And I'm jumping on the bandwagon here. Talk to your L before setting that apartment money aside. It seems like your money is all still together. Maybe you guys should focus on untangling your finances before she leaves the house entirely. You shouldn't have to bank roll her leaving you.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Mako sorry to hear about your latest update. Unfortunately this is very predictable and why I pressed you so much to make her work for it. Dbing has a lot to do with timing and I felt you had a small window to get her to recommit. I took a lot of flack for it as certain members where trying to push me off the board. I have always felt that relationships are about value and if it is not something you have to work for it is not sustainable. Taking a WS back to easy is basically a stay of execution. Your journey is just beginning because your W will surely struggle in the coming years with three young kids so you may have another opportunity down the road if you so choose.

Yeah, in the back of my mind I felt like you were right, but that if she was going to work on things that would change things. She talked about IC before we got back together so I thought she'd do that at least. I'm not sure if I ever had a window, really. As I said in my last thread she did seem to change for the better somewhat at first, but that was kind of fleeting and it wasn't long at all before it just felt like the same old last few years. Not worth wondering about really, it doesn't matter, though I know better for the future.

Thornton, thanks, you're right that it's time to move on. R2C you're right that I am going to have some work to do on myself. BL and 97 thanks for the support. I'm getting to a better place as far as realizing what I want.

Oh and no, I didn't agree to financially support her new place, but I can understand how it came off that way in my post. She is clear that is all her, and our separation agreement says so too.


Me: 43 W: 41
Together 2009, Married 2011
Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5
Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
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Originally Posted by mako
R2C you're right that I am going to have some work to do on myself.
That is one thing that is totally in your control. It is a continuous process. Pick areas that you want to change, do the research, and then implement the changes. Even if you only make 2 changes a week, that will be 100 changes in a year. How different will your life be?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thank you too wayfarer, I missed your post last time, the board is sooooo slow these days. Yeah, you are exactly right that this little stay did me some good in figuring things out for myself. As for her, I don't know if it was lack of accountability or what but I don't think she was ever really back. Maybe if I had tried to hold her accountable she might have just said forget it in April, or maybe just gone through the motions for a little, I don't know. I think she got sick and scared and wanted to come back, but for whatever reason it wasn't worth it to her to try any harder than that and she hoped it would just improve on its own. I doubt I'll ever really know, it is what it is.

Either way, we will have a relationship for at least the next 14 years so I hope we can at least communicate and be on the same page for parenting.


Me: 43 W: 41
Together 2009, Married 2011
Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5
Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
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