I saw that Artemis posted here and was advised to stay in Newcomers so she took her post down. BUt I really think she could benefit from some older wiser voices in her situation. So I'm going to post my newest post to her, which also recaps some of her history with her husband (they are together 4 years, married 1 1/2, in their 20's, and she has a 7 year old son from a previous relationship).
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Oh honey - let's break this down, ok?
First of all - DBing can be good where there is a longstanding marriage with kids involved, and a previously good spouse who has just temporarily lost their way.
It's NOT good for a young marriage where there has been a pattern of (sociopathic) cheating from the beginning!
Let's break it down. He cheated on you a year into the relationship with a woman who didn't know he was in a relationship (I know, I know, he tells you he didn't sleep with her but either he's lying about that, or it was an emotional affair. Either way, he was trolling for other women while he was with you and lying to them about it).
Then in Nov 2020 he does the same dang thing for two months. Again, deceiving the woman he's talking to. Deceiving you. And I reiterate, emotional affair or physical, it doesn't matter, it's a betrayal. And it's going on in the FIRST YEAR of your marriage!
Then he blows up at you at the rodeo because you haven't left yet (he was most likely planning something or had a woman coming there that night). Then you find out he slept with another woman, AGAIN without her knowing he was married. And you discovered he has a Tinder account!
Why are you saving this marriage???? This is not a guy who slipped up once. This is not a guy who is talking to "female friends". This is a guy who is trolling for other women, deceiving THEM as well as you, and doing it all in the very early phases of your marriage. It's not even a guy who just accidentally got too close to a coworker and developed feelings - this is a guy who is GOING OUT TROLLING for other women and lying to THEM about being single! And you may not even know the half of it - you only know about the things you discovered.
You're young. He's showing you already that he has a major character flaw. Read the book The Sociopath Next Door (it's short). He might go to counseling (or claim he is). He might tell you he'll stop. But the odds of him completely turning his life around and never doing this again are really slim to none. He needs a 12 step program like Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous.
I know this sounds harsh and is not what you want to hear. But take it from a veteran who has heard it all here on these boards. This is pathological behavior. It's not just about his addiction. Those people usually have affairs with willing partners who know they're married, or go to hookers or on sites like Ashley Madison that are specifically for people having affairs. No, he's seeking out innocent women that he dupes into thinking he's single! (Shades of Scott Peterson, although even his was an affair of opportunity, he wasn't out trolling for women to deceive).
Get yourself into some individual counseling and find out why you deserve someone better. Learn how you ignored the red flags. Figure out how you got fooled by this guy in the first place. Learn about people with dark triad personality disorders, and how charming and deceiving they can be. Save up some money so you can move out. Focus on your career. And come on back to the Surviving the Bid D thread when you're ready. There's life on the other side. Not all marriages should be saved.
Artemis, in the thick of it, I know these "Should I be fighting at all?" posts can seem the most meaningless. And yet, in retrospect, they will seem the most important. It's worthy of consideration.
My guess is you are going to get a lot of blow back for this thread. If you have any opinion that varies from trying to save your marriage and MWD principles you are asked to leave the board for being negative.
No - I’ve never had a problem. It’s not advice I’d give anybody except for young people early in a marriage or where abuse or sociopathy is present. MWD doesn’t say every marriage SHOULD be saved, only that infidelity itself doesn’t always mean the end of a marriage.
The key thing in Artemis’ case is he wasn’t just cheating in the first year of marriage, he was trolling for innocent single women and deceiving them as to his marital status. That’s a sociopathic thing.
It does concern me too that he’s a police officer. I know many fine officers (my brother for instance) and police forces do try to weed out sociopaths in the hiring process but they are often unsuccessful, and sociopaths are drawn to the job for a variety of reasons. My sister’s ex husband was a police officer - and a sociopath. Not in a serial killer way (that we know of) but in a Sociopath Next Door way.
