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Eagle3 Offline OP
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I forgot to mention. If this of course would lead to something and I would be open to this (which in all honesty I sincerely do not have a clue yet), there would definitely be no interaction anymore in a physical way with H.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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You were very open and honest with him which is a good thing.

You are both consenting adults. Just know that your first time after a long term marriage will likely be strange and awkward for you and stir up lots of emotions.

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DnJ Online
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Good Morning Eagle

Within the void of indifference, temptations and other feelings loom larger than they really are.

You are correct, we none have experience in this arena; we were married and living life after all.

My advice: No dating or anything else until you have been divorced for at least one year. That is actually divorced. Papers signed. And one full year post that. Things are different, once the ink is dried.

You deserve the best. Respect. Honour. Loyalty. Love. Which includes from yourself.

I know. One year post divorce sounds like a long time, especially when one isn’t even divorced. That’s kind of the point.

The gift of time - use it wisely. Discover your beliefs and values (or what you want them to be).

Do not make life altering decisions based upon feelings. Follow your beliefs and convictions.

Part of utilizing time wisely is asking questions and seeking various viewpoints. I applauded your good sense and open honest approach.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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kml Offline
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Some things to consider:

First of all, you've been dealing with and processing the breakdown of your marriage and your H's affair for a long time. If you truly feel that you don't want to reconcile with H at this point and want to pursue something with another man, I wouldn't blame you.

That being said, since you aren't divorced yet there are some things to consider: your H might not be so reasonable about support etc if he figures out you're seeing someone else, so this might be a bad financial move for you. If you want to date, I advise getting your divorce settled first. (Your H may not want you, but probably won't want anyone else to have you either. They like to think we are waiting patiently on the shelf as their backup plan).

Also dating so soon after a breakup leaves both of you vulnerable to heartache if either one of you returns to your previous partners. So long as you think you would take your H back if he came crawling back to you, I wouldn't recommend dating. (A year after a divorce is an arbitrary time limit which may or may not apply to you. After my ex's affair, reconciliation, and then MLC several years later which I tried to DB, once he filed I was DONE and happily moved on. But I was dead sure at that time that I wouldn't want him back under ANY circumstances.)

And your boys may also not be emotionally ready for you to date, until at least the divorce is final.

All that being said, there's no reason you can't go to lunch with this guy and discuss your mutual heartaches. He could be a friend and you might both be able to support each other through this phase in your lives. Just tread carefully. And keep it quiet.

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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Thank you LH, DnJ and kml for your wise advice.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Within the void of indifference, temptations and other feelings loom larger than they really are. D

As always, I immediately share my feelings with you, this to also make everyone on the forum aware that it is normal for your feelings to change constantly. After a few days, these feelings are different again, as the has been spot-on again this time.

Originally Posted by DnJ
My advice: No dating or anything else until you have been divorced for at least one year. That is actually divorced. Papers signed. And one full year post that. Things are different, once the ink is dried. D

Originally Posted by kml
So long as you think you would take your H back if he came crawling back to you, I wouldn't recommend dating. (A year after a divorce is an arbitrary time limit which may or may not apply to you. After my ex's affair, reconciliation, and then MLC several years later which I tried to DB, once he filed I was DONE and happily moved on. But I was dead sure at that time that I wouldn't want him back under ANY circumstances.)

I think it's fantastic that 2 people with completely different personalities and opinions give me the same advice. Then you know that that's where the experience is and that you should follow this advice.

I still love my H very much, and yes, if he would wake-up, I would indeed keep the option open to reconcile.

I'm not going to lie. I was flattered by the attention this man gave me, but I also realize well enough that such things are short-lived and that it will cause me more headaches than it will be good for me.

I feel good today, by myself, living the best single life possible, don't let me ruin that by making it more complicated again.

Originally Posted by kml
All that being said, there's no reason you can't go to lunch with this guy and discuss your mutual heartaches. He could be a friend and you might both be able to support each other through this phase in your lives. Just tread carefully. And keep it quiet.

We’ll see if the above is possible. I have other male friends whereby our relationship is purely based on friendship, so why wouldn’t it be.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Hi,

Hope everyone is enjoying Summer Holidays (at least for the people living on the Northern Hemisphere) laugh

As for the GAL, seriously did my best already. grin

I gave a party last week for my dear Sister's birthday, many trips to the beach with friends and children, had a few dinners, many activities in sports, So al is really good.

H has meanwhile started traveling since he was here the beginning of July. He has not gone back to the country where he normally lives for his work, but travels to very small islands within Europe, all by himself, stays there for about 10 days and then goes to the next destination. Books something new on the day he has to leave the previous hotel...

Communication is very limited, but always friendly and respectful. There is also a minimum of communication with the children, with the rest of his family practically nothing. I have only asked him to let the children know where he is exactly. (he does this through me, but at least he does it)

I think about him a lot, especially because I constantly feel that there is a shift in behavior again from the previous months. Call it intuition, gut feeling, but I can't help it. (I know I shouldn't)

I think more about him now than I did the past months. Then I was able to let it go, also by reading so much about it and simply because then I saw behavior which was similar to many MLC'ers, now I don't know what to think of it.
I'm a little in the dark here.

I don't loose my sleep over it or anything, but I wake up with it and think about it several times a day, but in a good way.
I simply have a good feeling about it and I sincerely hope he finds the right direction.

Time will tell I guess...


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Received a call today from H.

This following a message I sent him about one of the most important people in his 'old life'.

Someone with whom H was extremely close, both work-related and private, this is the same person who broke with H last year, because of his behavior towards me and the children. He simply couldn't handle it anymore.

This very good friend had a complete mental crash last week and was admitted to a clinic and I thought H should be aware.

H called me pretty quickly after that. Said he was blown away by the message and that he knows he is also on his way to encounter the same. That they are very similar and that he also needs someone educated to help him through this, the same way this friend currently has.

He literally said that he carries unresolved issues from the past, as well as the loss of the most important purpose in his life, his old job, and that he knows that this is the reason for his behavior in recent years.

I validated again.

He also asked for S2 and S3, our twins, how they were doing.
(his only concern was S1 for a long time, had little interest in S2 and S3)
He said he aknowledges now how fast they have grown and that he feels they are going on with their lives without them, and that they also succeed. Have said that this is obviously necessary for them and that they are doing well.

Again very calm reactions, but agitated when he speaks, it seems it can't go fast enough what he wants to say. When I say something back he always responds like "I know, I know myself now"

As I said, H is moving forward. Slow, but steady for now.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Hello Eagle

Very well done. You handled yourself admirably.

It is obvious how the news regarding H friend's mental break hit home with him. Hopefully the parallel he is drawing between himself and his friend will prompt a visit to a professional consoler.

There are two hopeful ideas here I suspect would be percolating within H's mind: I don't want to end up like my friend, and if friend can get help maybe it is ok if I can/do too.

Denial and one's ego are two incredibly difficult things to overcome or let go of. I think H is actually making progress towards just that.

His interest in the twin two boys is a nice sign. At 14 years old they are growing fast and with everything H has done and ran from, yeah I'm sure it feels like they are moving on without him. And in a lot of respects they are; which is perfectly expected and healthy.

H obviously is sensing the passage of time. Both the current progression and the lost time of the last few months/years. Again, good signs.

H's protests and confirmations that he 'knows himself now' is for his benefit. In case you were wondering. He is talking himself into it. That is not like it was before, this is a good thing. Before, he was I know myself. Crisis people have little to no doubts about what they are doing and why. Awakening is that slight whisper of doubt that slowly creeps in. 'I know myself now' says something different. It's the now part.

'Now', signifies, a change, a shift within H. And more importantly that H somewhat realizes this internal shift. Man, what I'd give to hear XW admit such a thing.

Now, before you get all excited, H realizes it AND disbelieves it. He is still confused and searching for his understanding. This is still very much his path; although he is sharing and telling you about some of it now.

Keep listening and validating. Do not correct too many (probably none actually) of his statements. His thoughts are in flux. He is finally starting to actually listen to his thoughts and less to his feelings. It's going to take time for his mind to organize and clear the muddiness. Give no cause for him to paint a target upon you. Keep your boundaries and keep doing what you're doing.

H is making progress. Slow and steady.

You are doing so very well my friend. How are the boys? Excited for school? Is the oldest still in high school or heading to college / university?

Originally Posted by Eagle3
I think more about him now than I did the past months. Then I was able to let it go, also by reading so much about it and simply because then I saw behavior which was similar to many MLC'ers, now I don't know what to think of it.
I'm a little in the dark here.
Don't fret. You are doing perfectly fine.

It is nice to see you have such a good understanding of MLC and the behaviour that are exhibited. There is much comfort from understanding. And like I've said maybe times, one needs a certain level of understanding to be able to let go. You are kind of the poster girl for that right now. With you doing so well at it.

Along with pressing and testing our understanding, we also test our own beliefs and values. This is pretty weird when you first realize yourself doing it. We purposefully challenge our values and beliefs. To see how strong they are. For what good are weak values. Right? Weird how that happens pretty much without us really driving it.

Thinking about H. Then letting go. Then thinking again, even more so. Then successfully letting go and not getting emotionally swept away. You are testing your indifference. The belief of self and worth and resilience. A very blessed path. Confidence, assuredness, strength, character, non-doubt of actions, and such, the outcomes.


Glad to see you enjoying the summer and all the activities.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Eagle, I love how calm you have remained in these times. Keep an eye on the boys, it's a difficult age. My son struggled greatly because he was 13 when dad moved out. He still yearns so badly for a father figure in his life.

I hope you can be compassionate without getting yourself a season ticket on the rollercoaster. I can't tell you how many times I saw what I thought was progress or a hopeful sign, only to face the crushing reality that nope--still the same selfish a-hole. Mine is now nastier than ever and the only kindness he shows me or the kids these days is leaving us alone (although he continues to struggle with even that).

Hope things move in the direction you would like them to, whatever that is.

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Hi Eagle,

Dropped in to catch up. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of different feelings and emotions right now, but congrats on remaining calm and on your path when you spoke to your H.

Reading out MLC stages and the descriptions from the wise DnJ, help to really understand what is happening. But I agree, the hard part is that the stages are not linear and you can't really know what stage they are in. But at least any level of awakening to the now is a positive thing...so that is great news!

And, I just have had some attention from another man too, and it's confusing during this time. There is a part of me that is curious and would just love some attention, but the other part of me is suspicious (due to my situation), but also I agree that I would need time post divorce to be involved with someone. I met my H very soon after my previous marriage was finalized and now I wonder if I didn't take as much time as I needed for myself. I do feel I remained bad at boundaries and other areas I could have worked on that may have benefited my next relationship. I do hope to have the patience to take the time this time around post D.

Sending hugs and admiration your way! I love how level headed you are about it all!

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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