Onward and Upward!

[97Hope]

Thanks, KML and D!! I just got home. I will be home for 3 days and then off to see the youngest graduate from basic training.

It was tough coming home tonight.

I have not traveled at all since the D, which means I haven't traveled since I live alone. It was a strange thing coming home to an empty house.

I'm sad. I had a house full of people and now it's just me. The timing of it all - youngest went to college last summer, eldest and middle had already moved out - and XH lives by himself now too.

I am taking a moment to grieve the loss. This isn't the life I had planned. I came home to a nice apartment, left exactly as I left it, but it's empty.

I know that this wave is not what it once was. I know that these feelings come less and less, but right not, I hurt.

I miss the sounds of people in my house. I guess being around my middle, is wife, and two grandsons for the past 4 days just hit different.

I was thinking about life on the plane ride home. I don't really want a relationship, but I would like to get better at not being lonely.

I know all of you here have been here, and I take great comfort on reading your stories and drawing strength from them.

I'm blessed not to watch XH flirt with anything that moves. I'm blessed that I don't wonder when he's going to leave/file/get a new AP....

I'm better now than when I had all of that crushing my spirit.

Just a sad night.

Tomorrow going to visit with my son, DIL and 2 grandsons that live close (45 min). They just moved into a new place. I'm excited for them, although it's on XH's property. He lives 20 minutes away.

XH texted me a few nights ago and asked for a picture of me and the new grand baby. I sent him one. He replied "I wish I was there". I will see him at the graduation next week, but I am not worried about it. Just staying strong, but still squishy enough to love from a distance.

I'm all over the place tonight. Glad to be in my own bed, but miss my kids. I guess it's no different than any other empty nest mom.

My good friend suggested I embrace my new life. I believe I am for the most part.

Hope all of you are finding the joy in the day. xo

[bttrfly]

i believe part of embracing that new life is thoroughly grieving the old, when those moments come. Otherwise, imho, one isn't fully embracing a new life so much as using aspects of it to hide from the very real feelings divorce brings.

You're right, these feelings ebb and flow, like a wave and happily the waves get smaller and farther apart.

Time. Four letter word, that.

xoxoxo

hugs

[97Hope]

Thanks B (((hugs))


You are right, I believe. We have to face grief head on, or we won't heal properly.

That night was very difficult. I went to work the next 2 nights, and then went to Oklahoma to see youngest S19 graduate from Basic Training. It was lovely. S19 was very emotional to see us and to leave again for his next training (4 more months). His girlfriend rode with me. XH took a plane and I picked him up from airport and we used my car to get around.

While at the graduation, he acted like we were still married. S19's drill instructor said something about me being XH's spouse, and XH didn't correct him, even went on to say something about me being his trophy wife (we were married at 19 y/o and he's always joked that he didn't age well and people think I am his younger trophy wife). I just let it slide off my back.

After family day, he wanted me to come to his room. I didn't at first, but then I did. Watched a movie and other things....Next day after graduation, I took him to the airport. Then he texted and called to see if I made it home safely.

It's nothing new in his world, really. He continues to act like we are still "us" when he's around me. If I don't stay strong, I fall back into the pattern.

Going to look at a house today. I'm excited with the prospect of getting out of the apartment.

Processing these things as they come and praying that I learn how to navigate this new normal.

I'm seeing a doctor on tuesday to figure out what's going on with my stomach. They think it's a giant ulcer and I'm just ready to get back to feeling physically strong.

Emotionally, I'm in a better place.

I sure hope this house works out and I can have more GAL activities that bring some joy. A new house would mean a lot of work that would be fun for me.

I think the apartment life isn't for me.

I hope everyone is well.

xo

[Traveler]

Hey Hope, I'm sorry you were feeling lonely. Sometimes I wish we could communicate more directly--you know, pick up a phone and say "Hi!" I don't feel lonely tonight, but I know the feeling.

Watched a movie and other things

"Other things". Hmm..

I'm seeing a doctor on tuesday to figure out what's going on with my stomach.

Will keep my fingers crossed for Tuesday!

[97Hope]

Hiya CW! YES. I wish we could talk more directly as well. Especially since I see that you went to the famous bat city in TX. lol My brother lives there, it's about 2 hours from me. It would be nice to have face to face, or even just a voice sometimes, but this helps a great deal.

.....



I viewed the house yesterday! I can do A LOT with it! It needs work, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm talking to lenders tomorrow and hopefully put in an offer.

Facetimed with my DILs and sons (2) while there and showed them around. They are all very excited for me. I am trying not to set my expectations too high but this looks like a perfect place for me.

It would also help to have projects to do on my days off. Making a home for myself would be great GAL activities.

I am not lonely like I was. I'm excited for my test tuesday to get to the bottom of my stomach pain and looking forward to a short week at work. Next weekend my grands are going to dinner and spending the night with me Friday. I am working an extra job saturday night (good pay!) and then back to my regularly scheduled life.

Also speaking to my work partner about a business venture. I'm excited about my future. A lot of moving parts but all moving in an upward direction.

Glad I spent time with all my kids and get to see them all soon. Youngest is going to finish his training in December, but we think I will be able to visit on some weekends.

Thank you for everyone for sharing your lives. It's a comfort.

CW. If you ever get back to TX, I hope to have a coffee and a hug! You have been a great friend on here!

xo

[bttrfly]

after we sold the marital home i moved into an apartment. lived there two years. NOT FOR ME, especially not after being a home owner for the better part of 20 years. Good luck with the house purchase and dr's appointment. xoxoxoxo

[97Hope]

Thanks (((bttrfly))))!! Not for me either, although it was a soft place to land. Zero maintenance.

I just got an email that my loan paperwork is in and being processed!!

[bttrfly]

awesome! best of luck!

[97Hope]

Ugh. I need two years of employment history for underwriting. I put XH through professional school and then ran the ranch, went back to school myself, and raised the boys.

Breathing and meditating now. I will not go bitter bunny. I will not resent the fact that XH has piles of money and could pay cash for my little dream house. It's not about him anymore.

I could stay in apartment for another year until I have the history. I don't want to, but I need to focus on the blessing of having enough money to cover rent.

Frustrated.

[bttrfly]

try another bank. small, local.