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Its been a year and 4 months now since we seperated and somehow it feels like this is all just starting now, how do i even find the energy and the patients to het through all of this?! Its always on my mind, a weight on my shoulders.

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Originally Posted by Gigi123
Its been a year and 4 months now since we seperated and somehow it feels like this is all just starting now, how do i even find the energy and the patients to het through all of this?! Its always on my mind, a weight on my shoulders.


I will answer your question with a question. How is your GAL going?

The LBSs that struggle the most and the longest do a poor job of GAL.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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I have to be honest, GAl with kids is great, we generally do loads together. Friday we went for a walk with alpacas and a picnic, saturday went to the cinema, sunday went to a working farm to feed the animals. The 2 days that the kids are with H i work long days, occasionally ill meet a friend, go for a walk, exercise or spend time listening to a lecture. Being a single parent is full on, i also work pretty much full time and do additional hours as much as i can whilst im getting paid for it. Im not really sure what else i can fit in and when.

Last edited by Gigi123; 07/28/21 09:16 PM.
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I guess im not struggling without H, in frustrated with the fact that he is not communicating to try and resolve this, and i dont understand why, as he clearly has moved on. If it was me, i would absolutely be there talking and organising things, getting rid of joint accounts, changing names and bills etc. I have asked him so many times to move the car lease in my name as i drove the car but it has been 5 months and he hasnt done it. I offered him mediation to see if that would help progress, but he refused. These are my frustrations, i guess i recognise that im moving to a place like many lbs where i will be the ones filing, else nothing will happen.

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Originally Posted by Gigi123
I have to be honest, GAl with kids is great, we generally do loads together. Friday we went for a walk with alpacas and a picnic, saturday went to the cinema, sunday went to a working farm to feed the animals. The 2 days that the kids are with H i work long days, occasionally ill meet a friend, go for a walk, exercise or spend time listening to a lecture. Being a single parent is full on, i also work pretty much full time and do additional hours as much as i can whilst im getting paid for it. Im not really sure what else i can fit in and when.

Ok, sounds like you are doing fairly well. As long as you are being honest with yourself here. Are you in IC?

Originally Posted by Gigi123
I guess im not struggling without H, in frustrated with the fact that he is not communicating to try and resolve this, and i dont understand why, as he clearly has moved on. If it was me, i would absolutely be there talking and organising things, getting rid of joint accounts, changing names and bills etc. I have asked him so many times to move the car lease in my name as i drove the car but it has been 5 months and he hasnt done it. I offered him mediation to see if that would help progress, but he refused. These are my frustrations, i guess i recognise that im moving to a place like many lbs where i will be the ones filing, else nothing will happen.

Logic doesn't work with WASs. They are not logical, they are going on emotions and feelings. All of the logistics you mention are counter to emotions and feelings. They remind him of what was. They are seen as drudgery and details he doesn't want to deal with. So many LBSs with walkaways that have left and moved on struggle with the loose ends. Most end up having to tie them up themselves.


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Hey everyone, not much to update here really. 18 months on and at a standstill,well it feels like that anyway. Lots of plans in which direction to head, and trying to make it all happen, i know that one day very soon all plans will fall into place.

Kids are still struggling, more so S7 (soon to be 8), he is angry at H, often declines to go and stay and very much seeing H for who he is. Whilst im not responsible for his relationship with H, im concerned about S7 emotional wellbeing. S7 doesnt speak to anyone but me about this and will certainly not tell H. Should i speak to H about this, or like everything else this will fall onto deaths ears?

S6 we think has ADHD, so god knows what is happening in his head, he isnt as good at getting his emotions and feelings identified and heard.

Otherwise i generally feel calmer and more content, even his randomness doesnt trigger too much of an emotional response anymore. He is still with OW, but i know no more about their lives.
Im not ready to actively go out there and date, i think i will be once we have resolved all outstanding issues, finance, house and once we are in the process of divorce. I also dont think that introducing anyone into the kids lives at the moment would he a gold idea.

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Gigi123,
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Kids are still struggling, more so S7 (soon to be 8), he is angry at H, often declines to go and stay and very much seeing H for who he is. Whilst im not responsible for his relationship with H, im concerned about S7 emotional wellbeing.
Sorry to hear your kids are struggling. That must be tough. I know it weighs on me.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
Otherwise i generally feel calmer and more content, even his randomness doesnt trigger too much of an emotional response anymore.
That sounds positive.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
Im not ready to actively go out there and date, i think i will be once we have resolved all outstanding issues, finance, house and once we are in the process of divorce. I also dont think that introducing anyone into the kids lives at the moment would he a gold idea.
I waited until my D was finalized, and don't regret it. I haven't done much in the months since either - don't think it hurts to wait. If you do decide to start dating I think you're wise to hold off on intros to the kids. They don't need any more instability in their lives at this point.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
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BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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The kid part is the toughest in all honesty, s7 doesnt talk to anyone about his feelings except me. He doesnt ask H any questions or allows his emotions to show. So every time they are back from H i spend a lot of time at bed time listening to s7. I do encourage him to talk to H, but he says it’s pointless, he doesnt feel that he can. So i guess H sees the situation very differently and most likely thinks that kids are ok and well adjusted now. What he doesnt get to see is tears at bed time at least a couple of times per week.
Sometimes i think it would be good to tell him all of this, but then i also feel like its probably pointless and i would be breaking my sons confidence.

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Oh, Gigi, I complete relate on the kid front, it's so hard! I have been navigating some similar things with my kiddos and here are some lessons I have learned along the way:

1. Be the strong, stable parent who is always available to lend an ear when needed (you're nailing this one)

2. Beyond encouraging your child to talk to Daddy himself, offer language to help him navigate those conversations. Role play where you are Daddy and he is child. Kiddo may not be able to talk to Dad for a while, but the language you give him will stick and could be useful for other relationships in the future.

3. Considered getting kiddo into therapy, all the better if Dad is willing to go to family therapy with your child. I listened to a fascinating podcast where a child psychologist was interviewed (look up Dr Kolewicz on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard). He talks about how most parents wait too long (like YEARS too long) to seek help for their child. He is primarily referencing depression and anxiety, but those two conditions, like almost all of them, have much better outcomes in children when addressed early before their brains are more developed.

4. Another benefit with therapy is that the therapist can be the person to address the concern with the other parent so you don't have to. When I have gotten involved and spoken to my children's father about my concerns (which were legitimate and factual), it ended up in a triangulation between father, me and child, and the conversation shut down.

5. And the reality of the situation is that this is the child's path to navigate with their other parent. The downside? It hurts to watch your child suffer emotionally. The upside? Your child is gaining tools early in life that they will use for the rest of their life. My children are learning tools that I am just now learning in my 40's. They have 30 years on me in this regard and I am grateful for this.

Hugs to you and your sweet children, this is hard stuff, but we can all do hard things.

((Gigi)))

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Thank you so much Sage!

I have very much experienced the shut down of a conversation. H thinks he knows it all and doesnt recognise that i simply have a little more info that can help him help our son. I dont know how to even approach the subject of therapy with him…..at this stage i would be lucky if ob the day he has the kids they attend the planned after school sport club….


I have learnt to separate my emotions towards their dad from their emotions, however when he is so upset i really struggle to separate my motherly instinct and see as you say that this albeit very unpleasant is giving him the experience and tools for the rest of his life.
And whilst he is so wise for his young age, he is still my baby and of course i want to protect him at all times.

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