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Originally Posted by smilie
I spoke with my lawyer yesterday about a letter she is writing to my stbxw lawyer as information still hasn't been provided for utilities online accounts. I'm not too sure about all of this at the moment and I asked that they are paid until the end of August as I have paid the rent here until then and my stbxw is also responsible for that, so it is only fair she pay the utilities seeing as they re in her name and she isn't giving the information so I can change things.

Smilie, if I understand correctly, she's being generous in paying your utilities, but you feel very uncomfortable because you're uncertain when it may stop. Does your lawyer believe you can force her to pay or provide account details? I wonder why this isn't as simple as--"Thank you for covering my utilities for July. Are you going to cover August? If not, I'd like to transfer the account to my name, so I can avoid costly termination and reconnection fees." For me, legal letters are what I send when they have teeth when I can enforce things--e.g., make her pay rent. Unless your STBXW is expected to cover legal fees, most lawyer's hourly rates are more than the cost of a month's utilities and it wouldn't make financial sense to engage a lawyer to draft such a letter.

Originally Posted by smilie
The other option is to offer my stbxw an updated amount for maintenance (a lesser amount due to reduction in rent) and then have that agreement ordered by the court. The chances are that she would refuse this as she is claiming that she hasn't got any money left at the end of each month.

Whatever the court deems fair, they usually enforce. If you're expecting her to be more generous than the court deems fair, I'd drop that line of thinking, unless she's strongly indicated such intentions. I'd try to focus more on the expected outcome (per your Lawyer) rather than your XW's offers.

Originally Posted by smilie
The thing is I will lose the house if I don't pay the rent up front, which means I will have to pay more rent here.

It's a math problem, right? Lawyer, if I continue paying rent, what is the guideline amount the court is likely to order her to pay? Laywer, if I pay rent a year in advance, what is the guideline amount the court is likely to order her to pay? Your lawyer should be able to answer both questions. Then, which works out best for you? Again, as you make these calculations, don't expect any extra charity or generosity from your XW. If it happens, great, but don't expect anything like that.



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Originally Posted by MrBrside
which county of the Uk are you ?

If you are not the other side of the country, im happy to spend a few hours going over options logically one evening. You sound like you are in a bad place, so would happily assist if i can
That is so nice of you to offer.

I'm in South Norfolk (just down from Norwich).

It's taking me ages to be able to post on the forum or even see posts, not sure if it's just me, but I hope that you can get access to this. I can't private message you either, as my membership level doesn't allow for that.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
which county of the Uk are you ?

If you are not the other side of the country, im happy to spend a few hours going over options logically one evening. You sound like you are in a bad place, so would happily assist if i can
That is so nice of you to offer.

I'm in South Norfolk (just down from Norwich).

It's taking me ages to be able to post on the forum or even see posts, not sure if it's just me, but I hope that you can get access to this. I can't private message you either, as my membership level doesn't allow for that.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
which county of the Uk are you ?

If you are not the other side of the country, im happy to spend a few hours going over options logically one evening. You sound like you are in a bad place, so would happily assist if i can
That is so nice of you to offer.

I'm in South Norfolk (just down from Norwich).

It's taking me ages to be able to post on the forum or even see posts, not sure if it's just me, but I hope that you can get access to this. I can't private message you either, as my membership level doesn't allow for that.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
which county of the Uk are you ?

If you are not the other side of the country, im happy to spend a few hours going over options logically one evening. You sound like you are in a bad place, so would happily assist if i can
That is so nice of you to offer.

I'm in South Norfolk (just down from Norwich).

It's taking me ages to be able to post on the forum or even see posts, not sure if it's just me, but I hope that you can get access to this. I can't private message you either, as my membership level doesn't allow for that.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
which county of the Uk are you ?

If you are not the other side of the country, im happy to spend a few hours going over options logically one evening. You sound like you are in a bad place, so would happily assist if i can
That is so nice of you to offer.

I'm in South Norfolk (just down from Norwich).

It's taking me ages to be able to post on the forum or even see posts, not sure if it's just me, but I hope that you can get access to this. I can't private message you either, as my membership level doesn't allow for that.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Thank you all for your responses, I truly am sincerely grateful.

LONG POST WARNING

It's been a mad day or two. Yes emotions are up high due to the new information and I'm also coming off those anti-depressants that were causing so many issues. I could feel the level of anxiety increase after I hadn't taken the for about 3 days. They also interferred with my condition and I though my head was going to explode, it felt like a pressure cooker and thinking was almost impossble - which didn't help.

I had counselling CBT arranged yesterday by telephone, as this is standard now, and they didn't call. I phoned them and my counsellor was in training. She was supposed to have told me last session, but she didn't. I felt really let down by this. I agree that I would prefer face-to-face style counselling at this stage and have mentioned this both the the doctor and counselling service, but they insist on CBT in the first instance. However, she called me today as she had a cancellation and she is going to refer me to relationship counselling, which she thought would be more relevant to my problem.

Panic or high anxiety, is nasty and it comes when I feel overwhelmed, when I can't see that I have any options and that I'm backed into a corner, just like that caged animal people speak of here about WS/WAS who lash out, but instead I 'lash-in' and beat myself up. I try everything - breathing, visualisation, guided meditation, going for a walk - absolutely nothing stops it and it goes for hours.

When my neurology is under this stress I literally cannot think straight until it calms down significantly. I saw my doctor yesterday after coming off the anti-depressants and he is now trying Vestibular Sedatives! Didn't know there was such a thing, but it will be interesting to see if they have any effect on my vestibular symptoms. At least they're not making my head feel awful.

I spoke with my lawyer yesterday morning and she advised to hold off a few days in deciding completely about the other house, as we wait for the courts to return their findings about if they will hear the case in court. I think this will give her some indication. The only thing is, is that I had a phone call from the rental agent for the new house yesterday afternoon. I didn't know how to have the conversation of waiting a few days before signing contracts or anything, as if I can get maintenance paid, then I could use those payments for the rent (as it's income) and wouldn't then eat into my pension money), if I do use my pension money, then I can't claim for rent in the maintenance as it has come out of savings, not income. I have agreed previously that I would pay rent from 14th August, so I dare say that the contracts can wait a few days to give me some leeway - I have put down a holding deposit on the weekend.

I ended up calling them this morning and all they wanted to ask on behalf of the landord, was if I wanted to rent for 2 years at a slightly discounted rate (�20/mnth less). I said that was perhaps too long-term considering I wasn't sure if it was the place I wanted to be and thanked them for the offer. I also confirmed how long it would take for the referencing - a couple of weeks, so that should tide me by until we hear from the courts.

So that was a load off my mind. I also was able to explain the situation that it was best for me to wait for the courts so that I knew what was happening financially and whether the rent would come out of maintenance payments, or my pension fund.

Another good thing is that I spoke to my other friend for almost two hours yesterday morning. I haven't spoken with him for a while and he was basically saying that I have to do what's best for me. He can understand the difficulty I face in dealing with this stuff (I know I sound pathetic and I wish I didn't have this vestibular issue) and basically says that I should just do what I felt comfortable doing last week and anything that the lawyer can get in terms of maintenance is a bonus. He's right, of course. I wasn't even factoring in any maintenance payments when considering renting this other house and moving, so anything extra whatever that may be, is a welcome addition. But if it's only a few days to see what happens in the courts, then it makes sense to facilitate that to see if there are any more options available to me.

I also went to the Osteopath yesterday as I have been waiting to see him for 9 weeks and have been in phenomonal pain with my neck and ribs, which has increased my stress levels a huge amount. He's a kind gentle guy and takes the time to sit and listen. He also knows the stbxw as we used to go together. Then he treated me and just laying there with him doing stuff felt really soothing and I realised at that moment that my body and brain just needs to stop and rest for a while but there's too much to do and it's being forced to just keep going on. Tears quietly rolled down my cheek - so I must make time for that - stopping - and shall see if I can do some meditation. My appointment was for 45 minutes and he extended the treatment to 90 minutes at no extra charge as he needed to work on my head and neck to help get me sorted. That appointment was the less I had talked to him over the months and when I did speak I was amazed that it was mainly about other things.

Then last night was my last hypnotherapy session. Again, a lovely girl and she does good work. It was with her help that I managed to work through my wife coming to collect her things. I felt totally de-stressed by bedtime and I hoped that I could get some sleep - Nope! Only 3 hours, then the panic starts building again as soon as I wake up.

CWarriorThere has been no offer or agreement that she will pay utilities, this is what the issue is and why we have needed to petition the court, plus she refuses to pass on the logon information for the accounts so that I can managed them and is insistent that I take them out in my name and isn't informing me of cancellations to things such as my car insurance.

She refuses to communicate and therefore a lawyers letter is the only method and that is proving unfruitful, but apparently it's an audit trail of sorts to prove her conduct later. The thing is that she has chosen to walk away and discarded her contractual responsibilities for rent and utility payments and has chosen to cancel other payments without word or communication, despite my lawyer requesting that she do so. Originally she stated that she would pay until the end of August and that she would not abandon me - she hasn't and she has.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Whatever the court deems fair, they usually enforce. If you're expecting her to be more generous than the court deems fair, I'd drop that line of thinking, unless she's strongly indicated such intentions.
I am not expecting anything really and I always have come from a position of what's fair in any of my dealings. Unfortunately the stbxw has other ideas and doesn't want to be fair - theft never is. My lawyer commented that she is being very underhand, after she cancelled my car insurance payment without communicating this and needs to be careful with the lies she is telling in lawyer correspondence, as if she lies on a Statement of Truth (which comes with financial disclosure), concerning what has been done with the dental claim money she took without my knowledge and how she has been manipulating money across bank accounts, then it wouldn't look very good on her, being a legal professional the courts would come down hard as they are supposed to be respected clerks of the court. So that's on her and her conduct in all of this is highly-questionable according to my lawyer. If she loses her ability to practice as a lawyer and I lose the spousal maintenance along with that, I will be OK with that as Karma would have dealt it's hand.

I also like your take on a 'math problem'. Yes, that is exactly what it is and it then takes the emotional sting out, however it's also a spiritual problem as the more I've thought about this issue today and whether to hold maintenance payments as the highest priority, I realised that my priority should be me and my welfare and I came to this conclusion at the same time on the Osteopath's treatment couch, that my brain and body just needed to stop - I need a different environment, my own space away from the memories.

This was proven today when I nipped down the coffee shop on the way to the supermarket. The girl in there (coffee shop) is lovely and knows that we split up, but the stbxw goes in there to get a take out some mornings and she mentioned to the girl that she had been on holiday for a couple of weeks - that was the week that she left me. She offered the information and I wasn't even talking about anything in particular and nothing to do with the relationship. "I don't know how she could do that!", she said and said that she thought it was disgusting.

So, I have won myself about a week to see what we get back from the court, but that was why I was so stressed yesterday. At least now I can change focus a bit tomorrow and start sorting out stuff to take, throw, sell and leave for her.

All of your comments have been really very helpful and I am once again blown away by your support. I'm sorry if I came across a bit desperate - I did feel that and I felt that options were nil and didn't know how it was 'sounding'. But after Osteopath treatment and literally stopping for an hour or so, seemed to make all the difference.

I've had issues with the forums all day, but I shall respond to the other posts as if I do it in this one, then it will be huge!

Thank you all, once again :-)


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by smilie
It's taking me ages to be able to post on the forum or even see posts, not sure if it's just me
I am experiencing issues as well, so I believe it was a server issue.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
None of this is going to be easy, or quick. You have to accept the reality of the situation before you and accept that while it's a hard road to travel you will reach the other side. You aren't alone. And this isn't the worst thing that has or will happen to you. This is one of many obstacles you've already traversed. Just slow down. You got this.
I can't quote your entire post, but please know that I am grateful for every word.

I don't know why I panic so much, it's just a reaction and one that I can't seem to prevent happening, but I can truly say that this has been the absolute worst time of my life, from somebody that I would have never thought would have done anything like this at all and I don't have a reference point for it in order to navigate through it. You mention that it won't be the worst and I don't even want to think about what that is going to look like.

You are right though, making the right decision for me that gets me a roof over my head and a different environment (in my book anyway) will be the start of healing. I'm doing this, but the issue I had was that my lawyer told me that the decision I made (which was the only one that I had available) would scamper part of my claim and that she advised to wait a few days, when everything was in motion and I needed to give notice on this place by the end of this week, otherwise I would have to pay more rent. But I've decided that that can be taken out of the deposit money at the end of tenancy and spoken to the agent at the other end - everything is fine.

I am sure that my lawyer has my best interests at heart, but I wondered if she knew the implications of her asking me to wait a few more days for the courts - that was a nightmare to think my way around that one. I hate this Vestibular condition as it really does stop me thinking when I need to think, leading to frustration also. It also makes me shake when I get stressed too. But after I had a bath this morning I solidified a plan and it worked out just fine and I started t calm down a bit more.

I will take you at your word that this is temporary - I know it is - but there just isn't a break between having to handle the sh!t before the next load comes in, that's all. It seems like there is stuff to be dealt with the entire time and I just need to have a break, just for a short while, a break in the thoughts that are creating this, it's a real effort.

Thank you again. Hopefully the worst of this is happening now and after that it will start getting better once I know the courts perspective - that will be the road paved out, I'm sure.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
This latest update is disturbing to me. I sincerely hope that you can find therapy somehow someway. This last post seems desperate and hopeless.
That's how I felt, still feel. This is such an awful situation and I'm doing my best to sort as much as I can then it becomes overwhelming. I'm sorry if I came across really bad. I did reach out to a crisis line to chat through a few things and the girl was really helpful - although it makes me feel pathetic. Through all of this the biggest thing that gives me the most pain is that somebody who I have truly loved for all these years, has been having a long-term affair (it would seem) and has co-ordinated a strategy to leave me penniless and then continues to try to crush me into the ground and treat me as if she absolutely despises me, all without reason. That hurts deep and that's what I can't get my head round and I never will and that's what messes me up a lot. It truly is unbelievable and it's like I'm in some sort of drama series where each day is a new episode.

Originally Posted by Thornton
There have been a few times in my life that I could not see a way out. I literally had no options and my life felt like it was crumbling around me. I've been in very, very dark and scary places in my life before. And every single time, somehow, some way, a path revealed itself, often at the very last moment.
This is how I feel, like all my options are disappearing. I wake up every morning so anxious I don't know what to do with myself. I want to push forward and try, but this panic feeling just creeps up and overwhelms. I have been trying to create a different road to take me out of this situation, but it's like the road-workers come along at the last moment and close the road.

Originally Posted by Thornton
Like Steve suggests, make calls, ask for help, and don't give up. I promise things will get better if you can just ride out this storm.
I'm asking for help but it goes nowhere. I reach out to the few people I know and they don't respond and I fear that pushes them away. The girl who does CBT is referring me to relationship counselling, but that will probably be a few weeks and over the phone. I need to meet people really and talk face to face, but that's not allowed now.

Originally Posted by Thornton
I'm not sure if you are religious, but I often sought comfort in the church. Speaking to a preacher is free, and they can often point you in a direction to get help.

You have the strength to get through this, I promise you.
I'm not religious. sometimes I wish I was though to try to help make sense that this is all happening for some reason or other. I really hope I have the strength somewhere to pull through, as I think I'm doing fine, then all of a sudden I'm not anymore.

But I'll keep going best I can. Got to start sorting stuff out today see what I need to take with me for when I move. I'm sure I'll get there.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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