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Hmmm also when you emerged from the dark place did you know instantly that you needed to end the relationship to move forward with your progress? Thatís really exactly what is on my mind. He seems to be getting better finally and I read mostly where the spouses have this waking up from the fog experience where they feel total remorse and want to reconcile. I do not feel like that is my situation! My husband likes his freedom and heís enjoying every moment of it but there is absolutely not one word of working on the marriage. I do think he thinks is a given since heís putting out some effort by opening up communication. There was a time of silence and no depth to conversations. We are still romantically active (if thatís how you say it) so I donít think Iím completely in the friend zone but I want more! I want a relationship but not at the expense of asking for one. I made a vow to not speak of commitment with him again. I know itís a lot harder to face a relationship thatís had failures then it is to start a new one with someone else😕

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Thank you so much for responding!!! Yes I completely and totally want to save my marriage. I expect the worst but hope for the best. I have detached with still remaining attached. If that makes any sense🤔. I believe that is where the growth has came from. I stopped relationship talks completely, no longer speak of the past, and Iíve made a lot of independent growth. I flipped a switch somewhere along the way (after recognizing the MLC & reading these forums) and I began to control my actions and emotions. The apology from him that I expected for so long changed into me validating him, encouraging him, excepting everything (that one was the hardest), and then realizing I have no control and letting God guide the journey. I was never really able to set boundaries just ones thatís Iíve implemented from detachment. I didnít realize it was a crisis until after replay had almost ended. Boundaries would have helped tremendously back then😕 The changes he is making are ones that he has chosen to make. He made a comment back in November stating ďyou know I havenít been myself latelyĒ. He is slowly getting better. We have began doing more things as a family unit. We never have relationship talks but drinking occasionally (depending on his moods) he will text something about our relationship. I get the feeling that he doesnít want to commit but he doesnít want to let me go either. I really donít think he knows what he wants! I know it takes a lot more to come back to a relationship with failures then it does to start a new exciting relationship. I do ok though. I have my kids and we make it pretty good. He doesnít bring my only happiness, I create my own. I do desperately want him to return though because I do feel like he completes my life.

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Navarro Offline OP
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What Galís have I been doing?
Well I mentioned that my kids are very active teenagers and their not yet driving age. They both do all sporting activities year round and they do them at a highly competitive level. We practice at minimum 4 nights a week until after 10pm and then most weekends are spent with their sporting events. We do most weekends as a family with all four of us together. My main priority in life right now is focused on them and I have them about 98 percent of the time. When they are in school I do get out and have lunch with friends, shop, go to the spa, and I have went on a few girls weekend trips. I donít have a lot of extra down time to do ďmeĒ time things but I am ok with that. I think he prefers it this way so he knows Iím not doing anything else to. I donít think too much into that these days though. I use to want him to think I really had something else going and wonder where I was but Iím so far past that these days! Maybe he would find me more attractive if he thought I was out all hours of the night at the bar but Iím past trying to pretend Iím doing something that Iím not. I do the same things I did when he was here living with me and that is try to make our kids life as much fun and productive as possible.

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So how can we help?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Hi Navarro, please chime in if you're still here. I know the "moderation" period where you have to wait for your messages to appear can be annoying. Just wanted to be sure you're here before writing more. (:



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Navarro, please chime in if you're still here. I know the "moderation" period where you have to wait for your messages to appear can be annoying. Just wanted to be sure you're here before writing more. (:


She is off moderation


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Navarro, hoping you are still reading. An update on your sitch would be good to hear.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Navarro,

Did I miss whether you're separated or not? Did you H move out? Sounded earlier like he's living there and just coming home at all hours and you're doing the family thing on weekends, but then later sounded like he's not in the house?

Originally Posted by Navarro
What Galís have I been doing?
Well I mentioned that my kids are very active teenagers and their not yet driving age. They both do all sporting activities year round and they do them at a highly competitive level. We practice at minimum 4 nights a week until after 10pm and then most weekends are spent with their sporting events. We do most weekends as a family with all four of us together. My main priority in life right now is focused on them and I have them about 98 percent of the time.

Great to make your kids a priority, but important to take time for yourself as well. Sounds like you don't have much time to work on yourself or GAL between the kids and playing family on weekends. Shouldn't he share in the responsibilities of getting kids to activities?

Originally Posted by Navarro
When they are in school I do get out and have lunch with friends, shop, go to the spa, and I have went on a few girls weekend trips. I donít have a lot of extra down time to do ďmeĒ time things but I am ok with that. I think he prefers it this way so he knows Iím not doing anything else to. I donít think too much into that these days though. I use to want him to think I really had something else going and wonder where I was but Iím so far past that these days!

You do it for you - it'll make you more happy, well-rounded...etc. - but he'll notice the difference as well. Lunch, shopping, and spa are all good and I'm sure help but it'd be even better to branch out and try new activities, meet new people, and make new friends.

Originally Posted by Navarro
Maybe he would find me more attractive if he thought I was out all hours of the night at the bar but Iím past trying to pretend Iím doing something that Iím not. I do the same things I did when he was here living with me and that is try to make our kids life as much fun and productive as possible.

It doesn't have to be getting drunk at a bar every night. It could be any activity that gets you out, doing something new you enjoy, and preferably meeting new people and friends. A new hobby would spark an interest / excitement in you, especially an active one that would improve your physical appearance and give you more confidence.


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Originally Posted by Navarro
Maybe he would find me more attractive if he thought I was out all hours of the night at the bar but Iím past trying to pretend Iím doing something that Iím not. I do the same things I did when he was here living with me and that is try to make our kids life as much fun and productive as possible.

Originally Posted by BL42

It doesn't have to be getting drunk at a bar every night. It could be any activity that gets you out, doing something new you enjoy, and preferably meeting new people and friends. A new hobby would spark an interest / excitement in you, especially an active one that would improve your physical appearance and give you more confidence.



And then avoid giving him answers. "Where'd you go the other night." "Out." "Who were you with?" "Friends."

Remember, he has fired you as his wife. You no longer need to play that role with him. A H can ask his W where she was and expect an answer. But he can't fire you as his W and then expect you to continue being his W.


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Navarro Offline OP
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Thank you all so much for listening and responding. I watched this for a while but didnít see any responses so I went back to everyone elseís threads. I just happen to look back this morning and noticed your responses today. Thank you!!!!
He does not live in the home. He began staying out all night in June 2018 then in October 2018 I ask him to either commit back to the marriage or leave. He left!
Update- I took some advice of yours and I have began venturing out a little more on my own and have gained a little more independence. It feels good! I even took a girls trip to the Bahamas last month. Things with him seem to be the same but slightly different to. He has been a bit more withdrawn lately. For the first time in 3 years he has some personal recognition. He has sent messages ďIím so lostĒ and ďyou do know I liked my old life rightĒ. He took the kids to a place we use to go a few weekends ago and he sent a message that said ďthis makes me sad not happyĒ. Oddly enough there has actually been some genuine affection from him also. Iíve not had that in 3 years!!! Donít worry- Iím not overly excited about it, itís nice but it mostly scares me. He told me that I looked pretty last week. I about fell over (literally)!! He seems to be very open with me and we have lots of communication. He has began having lots of trouble sleeping and he has poured himself into work lately. He has always been active with the kids but seems to be even more lately.

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