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A Message from Michele
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smilie Offline OP
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M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
My XGF and I were both comfortable eating alone in restaurants. If you enjoy something, why do it only when you have a partner with you?

I suppose that it's nice to share the experience with somebody and more than likely it's what one gets used to have gone out to eat with somebody for 20 years.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Some ideas--1) sit at the bar and strike up a conversation, 2) observe the decor, menu, scenery, and people, 3) bring a book, laptop, or something else to do. I'm probably doing more of #1 and #2 when traveling, and more of #3 when I'm visiting an establishment I know well

Yep! I've been doing all of that these past couple of days. Talking to people, interrupting their conversations if appropriate (I actually came across a guy who s familiar with the town I used to work in and the stbxw's home town - how strange!). And I came across a woman who daughter studied in the city a 10 minute train ride from where I live now. Small world.

I'm not a shy guy now - I used to be - and I needed to talk to a lot of locals to learn about the area as quick as I could, and despite appearances, the place where my new house could be is one of the best areas. I must say that the people are much friendlier than people down here, that's for sure.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
I was a waitress and bartender in my youth and there's nothing I love more than a slightly annoyed server who will tell you everything about the restaurant, the staff, and the entire area if you give them the chance.

Yes they did, well the area in any case. I was quite surprised actually that even though people run the town down and say it's naff, they keep saying that it's a nice area. It is tough eating alone when you're not used to it - I'm a people watcher also.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
A little town by the sea sounds lovely, but if locals are telling you outright you won't want a house it's probably a safe bet that they are right. I hope you gets some clarity on all this housing stuff. Still wishing you lots of luck

Although it is rough it's quite a good base and the seafront is literally a 2 minute walk from the house. There is a golf course over the road and cafe's up the street - found a nice one too that's open year-round. It will take a lot of getting used to, but I think that maybe it could be a good stepping stone to just give me a break and get myself sorted out

It's typical seaside resort in the UK but not a tourist one, hence it being rundown as there's no tourist trade to bring in the money. It's got a nice loooooong promenade though about 4 miles or so in length - takes ages to walk it anyway.

The house in another area is when the locals were saying that's it's not that brilliant of an area, although by looks, it seemed ok to me. I think they were indicating that it was a bit rough, as in people.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2change
You can look at the glass as half empty or half full.

Now here you have a very valid point and please believe me when I say that I'm generally errr on the side of empty. I can be a bit of a snob when it comes to looking at things as I have lived in nice areas most of my life, but I do wonder if it would be a nice little place to slow down, detach and rebuild myself.

Things are cheaper there also and I've found a cheap gym, although I don't know how you are supposed to meet people seeing as you have to practice "distancing" <-- that glass empty thing again.

Originally Posted by Ready2change
One of my hobbies is photography. I am sure I could spend weeks at your town taking photographs.

Yeah, me too. I have a couple of semi-pro cameras although they are getting a bit old now, but still take good pictures. It's just my eyes are shot to bits and that's why I haven't used them in a few years.

I talk to loads of people when I can and certainly a skill that I may need to harness a bit more. I have a good sense of humour, so that's a good thing and I don't play with my phone - not really into them, just serves a purpose. I do fight against myself though, as like you, it is not my natural 'thing'.

The only thing that seriously worries me is the 'pandemic' situtation. A lot of people that I would have spoken to, are now scared of people! Go figure.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by smilie
The only thing that seriously worries me is the 'pandemic' situtation. A lot of people that I would have spoken to, are now scared of people! Go figure.

That's a shame! In the US, it's rare for people to avoid conversation due to the pandemic. Most around me just get vaccinated, social distance, and/or wear a mask. Maybe there's a trick--watch how they interact with others? I only avoid people who won't honor my preferred distance. I will set a distance and back away 2-3x before I give up on their ability to honor my boundary with them.

Originally Posted by smilie
I suppose that it's nice to share the experience with somebody and more than likely it's what one gets used to have gone out to eat with somebody for 20 years.

I was married and lived with that woman for 10yrs. I think the boundary between a healthy interdependence and co-dependence may be, "I like going to restaurants--and it's even better if she comes" vs "I like going to restaurants--but it's only fun if she comes." You mentioned one of your action plans when your STBXW first wanted out was to become more independent. Anyway, food for thought. If I only ate out with my XW, I wouldn't have eaten as much Malaysian cuisine. (:



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Well, now that I'm on my own again it will give me the time and space to re-calibrate and get used to going out to eat on my own again. Haven't done this for a couple of decades, so I will need to find my feet once again.

It would be good to have some form of counselling too, to help me heal and help find my way through this. I would prefer to talk with somebody in person, but they seem to be doing it totally online now as far as I can see - bit of a shame. I also don't know what type of counselling to go for, for the best results - ordinary counselling, a psychologist, relationship, EMDR or something different.

Any ideas and experiences in this area would be helpful. I read here about people having counselling and to me it seems like a good thing to do in this situation where things just come out of the blue with no lead up and you're just plunged into some kind of whirlwind or cyclone and getting what seems like deeper into a mess and struggling to keep your (my) head above water. Not sure if that's a correct viewpoint or not?


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Smilie, I have found it helps to see this all as a challenge to overcome, something to be excited about overcoming. A good book about this is The Obstacle Is The Way by Ryan Holiday. Currently I am in lockdown, coming up on a month now, with only my S4 for company 50% of the time. I am enjoying to though, and see the lockdown as a gift to practice being comfortable and happy alone. Everything is how we perceive it.

Re IC, I have experienced both CBT and EMDR now. CBT is the standard, here anyway, and can be very good depending on finding the right therapist/counsellor. It took me a few gos until I got lucky and found an amazing lady, helped me immensely. I have also been to a few EMDR sessions now, and this seems to be really powerful for addressing the hidden childhood traumas and resolving those. The theory behind it is very interesting.


Me: 39 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Smilie, I have found it helps to see this all as a challenge to overcome, something to be excited about overcoming. A good book about this is The Obstacle Is The Way by Ryan Holiday.

I wish I could be excited about all this, but it would appear that I just cannot stop panicking and feeling so anxious that I can't keep still. Absolutely everything is getting on top of me and I am finding things really difficult.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Currently I am in lockdown, coming up on a month now, with only my S4 for company 50% of the time. I am enjoying to though, and see the lockdown as a gift to practice being comfortable and happy alone. Everything is how we perceive it.

It must be tough. I used to be ok here on my own all day, but since the stbxw left I seem to have lost that feeling and now I feel like I have to get out or just scream.

I'm focusing on filling a huge form in that has be to be back (about my illness) by 6th August. Apparently it was dated 6th July but I only received it on Monday. So there's an extra worry as the form isn't set up for my illness and therefore I am having to type a huge document, that I can't print - another worry. Apparently the library has a printer.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Re IC, I have experienced both CBT and EMDR now. CBT is the standard, here anyway, and can be very good depending on finding the right therapist/counsellor. It took me a few gos until I got lucky and found an amazing lady, helped me immensely. I have also been to a few EMDR sessions now, and this seems to be really powerful for addressing the hidden childhood traumas and resolving those. The theory behind it is very interesting.

It's the same here, CBT seems to be the way to go, but that's not really happening for me. It's by phone only for 30 mins a week and by the time I answer how things have been, that's basically the end of the session. It's state funded.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 571
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by smilie
I wish I could be excited about all this, but it would appear that I just cannot stop panicking and feeling so anxious that I can't keep still. Absolutely everything is getting on top of me and I am finding things really difficult.


Its still early for you Smilie, just keep at it, things will improve. Its been 13 months for me, so I'm further along.

Originally Posted by smilie
It's the same here, CBT seems to be the way to go, but that's not really happening for me. It's by phone only for 30 mins a week and by the time I answer how things have been, that's basically the end of the session. It's state funded.


That doesn't sound like it is doing all that much for you. Is it through the NHS? Can you afford to go privately?


Me: 39 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 239
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Its still early for you Smilie, just keep at it, things will improve. Its been 13 months for me, so I'm further along.

You mean I have further to go before it gets better? Argh! smile Regardless how I feel, I still keep pushing through as things need to be done. The challenge is this condition I have and it's really seriously playing up bad because of all of this, making things significantly harder.

Originally Posted by smilie
That doesn't sound like it is doing all that much for you. Is it through the NHS? Can you afford to go privately?

Yes it is and no it's not doing anything. I shall wait until I move before I start looking, as I need to budget it in and although I would like to start sooner, I cannot guarantee my Internet connection due to my stbxw probably cancelling it at any time and she is refusing to communicate via my lawyer (or otherwise) which makes things much harder. I would prefer to see people in person, but it would appear that the majority of counsellors, etc., are now using the internet exclusively, so it's a bit impersonal. The good thing about that is that you can keep the same counsellor wherever you are. I was looking at people around where I will be living (if all goes to plan this week) and absolutely everybody is doing it just online! Better than nothing, right?


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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