A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
DnJ #2921635 07/20/21 11:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,949
D
DnJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,949
Good Morning El

I had another opportunity to drive by her house. Well, I guess I have plenty of opportunities with her living only a mile away. Still, I was called out the station for a problem a couple of nights ago; Friday evening to be precise. I hadnt even got home yet, just when straight to the station.

After fixing the problem, I was leaving and remembering the story and all you good folks here. I thought I could turn right and not get distracted this time. Kind of giggling at the memory of my lapse of concentration during the last attempt.

I got to the intersection with the highway, turned left, and went home. Shrug. I didnt really care to know what her yard looked like, or if she was out, or what car she had parked there, or anything else really. I went home, fed and walked my dogs, had supper, and had a few unexpected phone calls with my kids. Watch a movie - Avengers Infinity Wars by the way. And then the next day watched Avengers End Game. Oh my. What a great movie. Of course, I just finished watching all the Marvel Universe movies in their timeline order. End Game was an excellent end to things. Um hee hee. smile Watched a movie. And went to bed early since I had overtime work scheduled for Saturday morning.

Out of sight and out of mind is an apt saying as it turns out. Keep holding in there. Things do and will get very much better. And this from a guy who was so attached he peaked out the window for just a glimpse of W while she was picking up daughter. I even kept her last message on the answering machine. Her voice and all. It took a many months post BD, and then all that was put in the past. Messages erased. Turning left. Moving forward.

You are doing fine my friend.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2921734 07/22/21 12:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,949
D
DnJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,949
Good Morning

A funny, and sad tale, of XW.

Yesterday I worked late. I was still on standby/call for work so Im commuting in the work vehicle. After work, I got groceries and then headed on my one hour trek homeward.

Once back in my village I drove south down the main road. Its then a stop sign, across what was the railway, passed an auto body place on the east side, a few 100 feet more and a neighbour on the west, and then 1/4 mile later my yard on the east. I went through the stop sign intersection and towards the auto body place. There was a car parked in the gravel frontage. In the drivers seat was XW.

My work van is quite visible and recognizable. XW saw it and presumably me. As I was approaching she dives down into the passenger seat, laying down flat in a futile attempt out to hide. It looked so much like how a child when hiding their eye thinks you cannot see them. I am in van which places me a good three feet higher than her car windows. I can clearly see into the car! Lol.

OMG. I was so shocked at her sudden weird behaviour. I drove passed and watched in the drivers mirror. She slowly rose back up from her hiding position. Perhaps she doesnt realize mirrors and the miraculous ability they allow - to be able to look behind ones self. smile These mirror things are a pretty new technological breakthrough. Ha. Lol.

So there I am continuing to my lane. Flabbergasted at what I just witnessed. I toyed with actually turning around and pulling up beside her car and inquiring Ma, Im D from <work company> do you require assistance.

Anyhow, I pull into my yard. Unload my groceries. Put away what needs to go in the fridge and freezer, and set the rest in the counter. I get the dog food and go outside to feed the dogs and take them for a walk before removing my work boots and changing out of my uniform find supper and enjoy the evening.

The dogs and I stroll and saunter down the lane. It is so swelteringly hot and humid. I get to the end of my lane. It is now around 20 minutes post XWs weirdness. Im standing by my white fence posts with the dogs standing beside me and XW leaves the parking area.

She and I are on the same side of the road, the east side. Her car turns left and heads south towards me. If you recall, she has been seen plenty going home this way passed my yard. She has spied on her daughter, and followed her around town. And watched my yard and goings on for years.

So, I see her coming towards me. I figure Im going to remain here for 20 more seconds and get a good look as she goes by. Her car is burning ahead, accelerating hard. There have been plenty of accounts of her poor driving skills and not following posts speed limits, stop signs, going down a road the wrong way backwards, etc.

Well she sees me. Not too difficult, I am still wearing blaze orange hi-visibility clothing. She immediately (and without looking) whips the car into the neighbours driveway and cuts it to the left. She tries to do a u-turn while travelling far too fast. The car spits up gravel from driveway, lurches across the shoulder, both lanes, and the other shoulder. The then continues unabated completing the last second u-turn through the grass and ditch. The car gets back into the roadway with several over corrections and wild swaying. She then speeds the 1/4 mile to town and that intersection with the stop sign.

Now, I live in a pretty flat prairie landscape. I can see down the road through town all the way to the main highway like a mile away. I watch XW burn up to the stop sign, blast through it, turn right and tearing down the railway road towards the other exit of town.

From my detachment story a couple of days ago you probably get an idea of the local roads. The railway road heading east leads to the main highway. All I need to do is look east and Ill see her turn and head south on the highway literally 1/2 mile to the east of the road she just u-turned around on. She would then go down and turn onto her/OM road and to their house off the main highway instead of coming at it from the road that runs passed my house.

So, the dogs and I amble along back towards the house. I can hear her car zooming along through town. I have too many trees between me and the town to see; it is a very nice privacy wall. Anyhow, in a couple of minutes such enough there is XW and her new car heading south down the main highway. She turns as expected and goes into her yard. Lol.

At first this is pretty funny. A few hours later the sad reality of her situation filters in. She is such a lost soul.

Why would she sit in that parking lot for so long? One cannot really make sense of the irrational. And these poor folks are a bit unhinged. She had, from all the clues I could assemble, entered my home while I was away. Shes spied, followed, and peered at her old life. I will admit I have a bit of concern at what an unhinged person might just do.

Oh well. Just sharing some events of my life. And fate has let me know of her new car and what it looks like. smile

I am off to work. Have a great day everyone.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2921737 07/22/21 01:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 136
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 136
What a story.

It honestly gave me goosebumps.

When you think about it, she for sure wanted to catch a glimpse of her old life.
The missing must surely be present as well.
So is the shame, especially when she's hiding from you like that as you pass.

How lost can you be, anyway?
I really can't help it, but I feel sincere compassion for her.

If only she had the strength to take action...


Me (43) H (42)
M:14 T:18, S17, S14 & S14
4/19 BD1 ILYB & OW til 2/20
8/20 Moves abroad for W - shows improvement
12/20 BD2 back in tunnel, wants divorce (no action)
6/21 improvement noticeable again
DnJ #2921740 07/22/21 03:30 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,759
A
Member
Online
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,759
Originally Posted by DnJ
One cannot really make sense of the irrational.
This story matches mine in many ways. Lurking in the shrubberies at the garden centre, burning rubber when seeing me walk out of the driveway etc.

If we look at this with kindness and compassion - which this is the thread for - we can perhaps imagine their reluctance or even fear to face the One they left behind. Someone who they knowingly hurt most horribly who did not try to hurt them back. Someone who accepts the reality of their actions while at the same time not condoning them.

A lot too depends on the personalities involved and the dynamics of the relationships. Being "that couple" who were obviously devoted to each other that others measure themselves against is a common thing I think between your and my situations. Despite our occasional mild differences, I still have no doubt that at least up until the end that my ex-wife did love me. Is that the truth? It doesn't matter.

You and I have different perspectives on forgiveness. You say that you have forgiven your ex-wife where I have not. I do think though that we both hope that our ex-partners can somehow make themselves whole and live their lives with a peaceful heart and mind. And that is - in my mind - independent of any external forgiveness. I really don't understand enough about human nature though to know what path they may have to tread to get there and since it is a path that I never will walk, I don't need a roadmap.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DnJ #2921747 07/22/21 06:42 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,214
B
Member
Online
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,214
why was she in the parking lot? who knows? Why did she wait so long? Maybe she wanted to be sure you were well and truly in your house. But then again, couldn't she see you and the dogs outside?

The spastic u-turn? crazzzzy ... really sad. counting your blessings, D?


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
"Everything will be all right in the end, and if it is not all right, then trust me, it's not yet the end."
DnJ #2921750 07/22/21 07:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,189
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,189
Quote
She had, from all the clues I could assemble, entered my home while I was away.


Are you referring to the previous time that she did that, or do you think she did that today? I thought you have changed the locks etc?

All this makes me really glad I moved 45 minutes away from my ex. My reasons were financial - I could afford to buy more house in the farther suburbs, plus it was closer to my bandmates and a little bit closer to my work. But the bonus is I never have to run into my ex by accident, he won't drive by my house, none of those reminders. I also don't run into mutual acquaintances who might ask me pitying questions or try to fill me in on ex's activities.

Your ex is sadly more mentally ill than most, I fear - or addicted, I know you can't be sure which. It's sad. But we've been fired from that job of worrying about our exes. Make sure you have sufficient security. You don't need her burning the place down in a psychotic episode or some such.

If the entry was today, maybe that's why she hid - guilt over snooping?

If the evidence is clear, maybe you could contact her and just ask - "I see you entered my house today, is there something you were looking for?"

DnJ #2921756 07/22/21 09:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,861
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,861
Wow. I just feel really sad for her. I think the weird behaviour indicates that whatever she was doing, it was something she wouldnt want you to know she was doing. After all, it is a super small town. Im sure you have driven by each other in the past with her not doing anything. Clearly shes did not want you to see her this time. Even though rationally, she could have just pretended to be texting or something, which is what most people would do if they realized they were about to be seen but didnt want to draw attention to themselves. Whatever it was, her guilty conscience gave her away when she dove into the passenger seat. What she was feeling guilty about, who knows? From what you have said about her new life, I have no doubt that, as the years go by, she will become more and more cognizant of what she gave up and be missing her old life. If anyone ever doubted MLC is not a real thing, you ex is Exhibit A that it actually does exist. Hopefully she will come out of it one day. As usual D, you lead the way with your compassion and forgiveness for her. A wonderful example for us all. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,759
A
Member
Online
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,759
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I think the weird behaviour indicates that whatever she was doing, it was something she wouldnt want you to know she was doing. After all, it is a super small town. Im sure you have driven by each other in the past with her not doing anything.
D can correct me on this, but I believe that like with my ex, that this is a consistent pattern of behaviour and not a singular event.

The push and pull. The desire to know more which manifests in stalking type behaviours be it following her child around or lurking in the shrubberies. The fear of an actual encounter.

Letting go is hard. We know that from the LBS perspective. Those of us who are here have a peer group to support us and encourage detachment. Those who are not probably don't. There are many tales of stalking ex partners both here and elsewhere. And of their fear of an actual encounter.

Running doesn't allow you to escape your demons. Only facing them does. And to do that requires courage and understanding of self.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DnJ #2921762 07/23/21 01:00 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,949
D
DnJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,949
Hello Eagle

Yes, XW does seem to be running, watching, hiding, she is one confused gal. It is kind of difficult to be anything other than compassionate towards her. Mostly. smile

Originally Posted by Eagle3
If only she had the strength to take action...

True words.

Ive thought and wondered what would happen if I reached out to her. Perhaps she needs some push or catalyst. However, that is more a feeling on my part. My belief is that she needs to find the strength and courage to act, to reach out, to want to do better. Something from me amounts to manipulation. So, I leave things to fate, karma, or God.


Andrew, I was thinking about your XW and the shrubberies and how similar it all is.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
If we look at this with kindness and compassion - which this is the thread for - we can perhaps imagine their reluctance or even fear to face the One they left behind. Someone who they knowingly hurt most horribly who did not try to hurt them back. Someone who accepts the reality of their actions while at the same time not condoning them.

Thank you for the kind acknowledgement.

You hit the nail on the head. I believe XW has a good amount of fear; caused by her feelings and projected and imagined response from me, kids, whomever. Facing her fear and reaching out needs to occur from her without my involvement. Time and space. She needs to come to it. Then any changes might have a better chance of being permanent.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
You and I have different perspectives on forgiveness. You say that you have forgiven your ex-wife where I have not.

Andrew, I apologize if I have ever said you have not forgiven your XW. Forgiveness is a work in progress for everyone. We all are somewhere on the path.

Now, that look again: Maybe you are stating that you have not forgiven your XW.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I do think though that we both hope that our ex-partners can somehow make themselves whole and live their lives with a peaceful heart and mind.

You are correct. I do as well.


Hello bttrfly. I suspect she didnt look before ripping out in to the road. Yeah, Ive no idea why shed sit there for so long either. If it aint spying, shes probably trying to hide something from OM. Texting or whatever away from the house.

And yes, counting and grateful for my blessings.


You are correct kml, I was referring to XWs previous entry into my home. I should have made that clearer. I didnt have to change the locks as she left her purse the night she dashed out to OM and his waiting car. I took the Visa card and the keys. She said she was leaving so she didnt need a key. And I sure didnt need her and OM racking up charges on a line of credit I was responsible for. A couple of things I did right while completely shocked and blasted into denial and that beginning zombie state.

Originally Posted by kml
Your ex is sadly more mentally ill than most, I fear - or addicted, I know you can't be sure which. It's sad. But we've been fired from that job of worrying about our exes. Make sure you have sufficient security. You don't need her burning the place down in a psychotic episode or some such.

Yes, she does exhibit some pretty significant characteristics of mental illness. Or addiction.

If I put in my paranoid hat for a second. And by the way, its only being paranoid until it is true. Lol. Anyhow, I do have some concerns about a possible psychotic episode from old crazy pants. Just consider all the weird stuff shes done. Thankfully shes not blamed me (much). Still, shes a few eggs short of a dozen methinks.

I started to lock my door after that episode of someone being in my house. Since then there are many times when I come home to my house being tampered.

When I leave I pull the door closed and lock the deadbolt. If someone tries the knob the door unlatches and the weather seal pushes the door against the deadbolt. It is easy to tell since the door is not fully closed and the deadbolt doesnt turn or unlock with the pressure against it.

There are plenty of times this has occurred. And I dont have too many drop in visitors. And if someone did drop by, tried the doorbell and then tired the door, theyd tell me.

Something else which is eerily like a young immature kid stalking. Ive had several answering machine messages. Just blank. Like 30 seconds. Several a day. Over the last few weeks.

Yep, few eggs short. And wants to change her name to Mrs. Rides In The Wind. (Hee)


DV, you are right she could have, well a rational person could have, just sat there and texted or whatever. Her reaction and hiding is like a school girl ducking down as a boy she likes walks by or something.

If she was doing something more nefarious or illegal that was a pretty poor way of hiding. That particular lot is not public property. People do not just park there. Ever. Just so weird. Definitely not even a good place to buy drugs. smile

I think she has quite a pile of guilt which pushes on her. These poor people do get tired of running and their demons catch up. Then they run again.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
If anyone ever doubted MLC is not a real thing, you ex is Exhibit A that it actually does exist. Hopefully she will come out of it one day. As usual D, you lead the way with your compassion and forgiveness for her. A wonderful example for us all. (((HUGS)))

Thank you DV.

Ive been fortunate (how odd huh?) with my MLCer. Exhibit A! Right in front of me and my kids. A whole world I had no idea even existed. And yes, MLC is a real thing!

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I think the weird behaviour indicates that whatever she was doing, it was something she wouldnt want you to know she was doing. After all, it is a super small town. Im sure you have driven by each other in the past with her not doing anything.

D can correct me on this, but I believe that like with my ex, that this is a consistent pattern of behaviour and not a singular event.

The push and pull. The desire to know more which manifests in stalking type behaviours be it following her child around or lurking in the shrubberies. The fear of an actual encounter.

I do live in a small town, around 600 folks here. And I seldom see XW. Ive never run into her at the post office while picking up mail; I have run it to OM a couple of times. Lol. Oh the poor guy. A deer caught in the headlights. He looked so scared.

Seen her mowing grass here and there. A couple of times at the grocery store. Pretty few encounters for almost four years and living like 3/4 a mile apart.

XWs behaviour is rather consistent. From my few personal encounters and the encounters of the kids, XW is out there. While daughter and son were working at the grocery store XW shows up wearing short shorts and a bra. Thats all! Pretty darn skimpy.

Her wild clothing. So crazy and so many colours that daughters classmates actual had a dress like D17s mom day during spirit week. (Poor daughter. Mom is pretty embarrassing.)

Her 500, and probably more now, house plants. So many that all that exists is a walkway to the couch. The entire floor and every shelf and flat space has plants.

Her exercising equipment which then takes up the remaining free space of the actual walkway into the living room and kitchen.

Her dismay that store bought birds dont behave like in the Disney movies. They are suppose to land upon ones finger and sing to you. And she found out that training birds aint like training dogs.

Stalking her daughter after school. Following her around town.

Every time any of my kids visit, they get texts from Mom. She sees their car from the road. She might be bold and ask if they are going to visit her while in town, or just some vague comment.

XWs extreme exercising. She walks in average 35000 steps per day. Her record is 50000. She did that one day while mowing grass for like 17 hours. She was still mowing grass at 10:00pm.

And so on and so on. Ah, the demons lurk and one runs.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Running doesn't allow you to escape your demons. Only facing them does. And to do that requires courage and understanding of self.

Yep, running doesnt work.

We dont vanquish our demons. We learn how to live with them. Most demons are not nearly as bad and terrible as we see or imagine them to be.


It is very appreciated to have friends that truly understand.

Thanks all for walking along on the journey.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2921763 07/23/21 01:42 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,214
B
Member
Online
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,214
so I take it you didn't get cameras set up ????
may I suggest you take the time to do so?? something that will alert you via cell phone when someone shows up at the door.

this is really not good D, especially given that she's so bonkers, and maybe addicted to something as well.

she really is planning to change her name to mrs rides in the wind?


Last edited by bttrfly; 07/23/21 01:50 AM.

M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
"Everything will be all right in the end, and if it is not all right, then trust me, it's not yet the end."
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004