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Originally Posted by Artemis1
So after reading your reply yesterday and getting home from work I did just that with my H. I told him if he wants time to think about our M and what he wants, I understand and that's fine with me, but that if hes going to be talking to other women during this time then I am not going to be waiting for him and we can initiate talks about divorce. At first he got defensive and somehow thought I was saying something about how he only wants a D because of other women and there are other reasons (possibly was just trying to gaslight me I'm not sure as he gets confused alot with what I mean, he takes everything as me accusing him etc ) anyways so with him thinking that he got upset and originally said we can start the divorce, and tried pulling me into an argument, I told him "I'm not going to sit here and argue, I will walk away until you are ready to talk without raising your voice" (whole scenario lasted only about a minute. He took a minute and then wanted to finish our conversation. I explained my point again and even said I apologize if I hadn't been clear and worded what I was actually saying to where it was understood accurately. He then said "I won't talk to any other women while I take time to consider our M and what I want to do"

Now id like to believe him but obviously I don't. I wanted that boundary to be made clear to him as suggested. My thing now is, since I dont believe him on this and/or if I find for sure hes still talking to OWs. Since I set the Boundary and he told me he would. How should I handle the situation, should I let it be known I dont believe him about the OW or not?

Either way I am still focusing on detaching and looking into a L just in case. Etc.


First, believe nothing he says...and only half of what he does. His word right now means squat. "I want to work on our M." Then a minute later: "I am confused about what I want!" Come on, he doesn't even believe what he says at this point.

On boundaries: Boundaries are not about trying to control his behavior. Trying to control your WAS is a fool's game and will result in setbacks for you. Boundaries are about having a boundary, and if it is crossed YOU take action. How it looks:

Boundary: You will not tolerate your H talking to other women.
Action: If he crosses this boundary you will immediately move for separation and file for D.

Boundaries are not asking them NOT to do something. As in "Please do not talk to other women." It is a statement: "I will not tolerate you speaking to other women." You don't have to tell him what the result of him crossing that boundary will be. It really doesn't matter if he knows what the resulting action is. He will either cross the boundary or he won't. And when he does you take the prescribed action.

Setting a boundary without consequences is weak and makes you look weak and makes the WAS feel like they can do whatever they want no matter how you feel.


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I'm just going to add one thing. These miscommunication issues you're having with H are not likely being caused by different communication styles or syntax/context issues of speech. Your H is defensive. Highly defensive. Like overly defensive. He's escalating and assuming everything is an accusation not because of YOUR past behavior but because of the guilt of HIS present behavior. My H was like this in his EA when he was still in denial that it was an EA.

For reference my exH constantly accused me of cheating. Constantly. I would pander and cater to his ego at first. We went on like that for a long time and then I eventually stopped caring. "yeah, yeah yeah I'm a wh*re, out at the bars with dudes even though I had our daughter with me the whole time, sure, sure." And after that I finally gave up and just cheated. I didn't argue. I didn't get defensive. I'd just roll my eyes and walk away knowing I wasn't being treated any differently actually sleeping with someone else than I was when I was begging him to believe me.

People who get defensive and take what you say completely out of context like that are interpreting the information in an accusatory way because they have a reason to feel accused. When you don't do anything wrong and you're just tired of being accused you don't fight, because there's no point. You can't convince insecurity.

Oh and as May and Steve were saying and as you've been told, plan for the worst hope for the best. I saw my sitch in the light that I needed to plan for both roads. What I would need emotionally if we R'd and what I would financially and physically need if we D'd. That way no matter what I wouldn't feel blindsided again. There's very little to control in these kinds of situations but having a plan makes things feel a little less daunting and frankly scary.

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That is my goal currently. I'm trying to figure out where we can move to. Just takes time lol

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Thats what I'm trying to do SteveLW, perhaps I didnt word what I said to him as well as I thought I did. I suppose that is always a possibility. I did make it clear I wasnt going to stay around if he did do these things. If I do find out hes talking to other women, I plan on taking further actions with our S.

Wayfarer I agree wholeheartedly with you. When my H gets angry with me or Tries to start a fight, its because he feels guilty for what he has done/is doing.

I have officially set up a meeting to talk to a Lawyer next week, at the very least to see what the process looks like and what I can expect. I have been reading alot of books and trying to be prepared in case my H does come back and truly chooses to work on our M so that I can be more prepared for what our new M may need etc. I'm always looking into places and figuring out all the things I'll need to do it we do end up getting a D. So I am trying to prepare for the worst but still hoping for the best. It has been a test alot lately for me but I am still here.

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So I need some advice, so knowing my H is lying to be has been hard, I'm a very honest person and its not knowing that kills me. Anyways I did not so great stuff, in the beginning I had access to some of his stuff like email etc. And I spied.... I know thats bad, and I'm really not proud of it, nor do I like myself for it. But anyways I did stop snooping on them but never got rid of them, then apparently something my H had got deleted, it wasn't me but he accused me of it. I told him how I had still had access to some of his stuff and he basically told me "thats why he wants a divorce" it's completely irrelevant that Hes the one lying though he still swears he hasnt talked to anyone for like 2 weeks, which of course isnt true. Anyways the point is I told him the truth that I had technically had access to some things, I hadnt snooped for a good while but he doesnt believe me. I told him I was going to delete all the stuff for it off my phone so I dont have access. Of course he doesnt believe me and I even told him he is welcome to look through my phone when he gets home as I have nothing to hide.

I hate lies more then anything so being called one I really dont handle well but I just really want this thing to at least be believed. I'm sure with my Hs lies hes going to accuse me no matter what. I just feel like this coming out now has just really damaged everything. All the DBing ive been doing and this feels like I major setback.

Any advice on anything I could or should do here would be greatly appreciated.

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Sounds to me like he’s just using that as an opportunity to put the blame on you and absolve himself of any guilt and justify his bad behavior. I’d bet he’s also mad that it’s going to be difficult to continue to lie when you have proof of those lies. It also sounds like he’s going to use this opportunity to manipulate you into deleting your evidence.

My advice is to do literally nothing. Don’t bring it up. Don’t bother defending yourself. It’ll be an exercise in futility. If he crosses a boundary you’ve set than take action. If he starts or continues to belittle you or cause an argument and continue to blame you walk away.

Just my 2 cents


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Artemis,

This is all textbook WAS BS they spin to ease their guilt. Just so you know it’s ok to snoop if you are trying to verify whether your husband is cheating or not. When it doesn’t become helpful is when you have confirmation and continue to snoop. He will continue to Gaslight you if you let him so it’s probably best to drop the subject.

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Thank you both so much. I know he is 100% trying to say this is why he wants a divorce just because of the guilt he feels. He is definitely trying to make me the bad guy so he doesn't feel so shitty for what hes doing. Thank you for confirming that, its good to have other who agree and validate my thoughts in it.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to live by that now, I'm not going to mention it ever again and if he brings it up I will walk away (I'll gave to go back and reread some of the quotes people have posted on here of what to say before walking away from an argument)

And thank you LH19 I went ahead and deleted his email stuff from my phone. Mainly because for one yes I know hes cheating and all its doing to me is hurting me and making ne want to confront him which isnt helping me to move on and foxus on me. It's too tempting to focus on him with it so I did it. However I still have wvidence of him cheating and I am keeping it locked away, I dont want to ever use it or do it. But my H has alot of power still and I am keeping it just in case I need to use it. (He is military and all) anyways thank you both.

When this situation happened my H said "This is why I want a D, this will never stop, I dont even want to talk to you" that was about 3 hours ago. He has since texted me about a job offer he got and sent me a tiktok video of owls (which are my favorite animal) I have not replied to either if them

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Hi A,

Agree with LH and Joseph. Don't worry about it. He will use any thread he can grab onto to point the finger and say see? THAT is why I have to leave and it isn't my fault, it's yours. This is honestly a script they all follow. i have to say it really helped me in my sitch when I realized this and saw the exact same words that were coming out of my H's mouth written down here in situation after situation. It's almost funny.

There's nothing you can do but focus on yourself and keep on doing what you were doing. Keep your head high and stay the course. Don't engage with him on it anymore either-- it's done. I don't think this is a major setback. Go do something fun for you and your son and stop thinking about him. Or, another thing that helped me in my sitch was thinking about all the positive parts of being on my own as opposed to the negative ones which were already occupying my mind (my kids being the biggest for me). In my situation, I was determined to stay in the house, so I started thinking about how I'd redecorate, take over the office, get rid of all his $hit, etc. And some things I just started doing anyway, like buying all new sheets/comforter for my bed. So... maybe spend some time cruising craigslist for apartments and see if there is something you like? Going through these exercises will help take the fear out of the unknown and help remind you that you'll be fine no matter what happens.

Keep up the great work, Artemis.


Me (46) H (42)
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4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
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Thanks May22. Honestly having you and so many others say this stuff helps so much. Sometimes I really feel like I'm really screwing up and start to feel like its all my fault and when I read posts on here I'm reminded that even though ive caused issues in our M for sure, my H is responsible for his own actions and he really is just trying to make me the bad guy to make himself feel better about his actions. I really needed this, Ive been getting to the place lately of wandering if its all worth it, just getting to the hard part and trying to be smart but keep hope.

I will try to start looking into some of these things. I wish we had our own home already, I know if we did id get to keep it and he'd find something else, then I could work on the home to keep preoccupied. Exercising has been a big help for me so far, I still struggle to get up and do things some days still but I'm pushing through. Thanks for the encouragement

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