Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now

[kml]

I’m sorry your D12 has been experiencing this pain, but glad that she can see that her dad is mentally ill. It’s surprising that others around him cannot see it. Narcissists and sociopaths can be very good at charming people though.

As for the cooks - this pandemic has wreaked havoc on the industry, they may be desperate for work. I wouldn’t judge them too harshly. Your ex’s backer may be offering them money they can’t refuse.

I have one son (of three, all young adults) who hasn’t spoken to his dad in almost three years. Although I don’t think it’s a good thing to be estranged in general, as I think that’s a weight of its own to carry. But in his case I couldn’t argue with his reasons for cutting off contact. On Mother’s Day recently all three discussed their father’s personality issues and how it has affected them.

The hard part here is, that if you do the work of giving D12 the context for why she feels like “punching herself” around him, you might be at risk for being blamed for parental alienation. (Which can be a real thing but is often misused by manipulative fathers in cases like this). So it might be good to find an individual therapist for her who can help her sort this out. And/or, if her father is an alcoholic as you seem to imply, an Alanon group for children of alcoholics might benefit her. I’m glad she’s seeming happier without the stress of seeing him right now.

[cardinal]

In my novel there is a character who is an LBS, and she has a long monologue where she says something just like this, that after a while, blooming out of your desperation and despair, you become the very repulsive being he thought you were, you become the hate and the lies.

I think it's not only an understandable outcome -- it might even be developmentally appropriate, like when we had tails in the womb. We are just being born now, or soon, and look how long it took us to agree to that rebirth.

This is beautiful, Gerda. It's more hopeful to think of myself as transforming or going through a kind of metamorphosis. No one stage I feel stuck in or one way I see myself is forever; it's one stop on the way to becoming.

It hurts me to think of your D12 saying being around your H makes her want to hurt herself. (((D12 and Gerda))) I feel some relief myself that she's stepping out of H's orbit. She's recognizing that it is harming her, and she's putting words to the feelings she has. How brave of her to voice these things and take steps to protect herself. She does have a good role model there.

[Gerda]

DnJ, Kml and Cardinal -- Thanks for these excellent message, love the reflections and insight and just hearing from you, my friends. It means a lot in this lonely journey! Things with the Was-band are astonishingly stuck, no matter how many offers I make to chisel. His L started to threaten me with the usual bullying e-mails blaming me for D not wanting to see H and saying that withholding our D12 means they will tell the court and withhold child support -- BUT HE DOESN'T PAY CHILD SUPPORT!

So I filed a petition in Family Court to change custody. I am theoretically not supposed to go that route til divorce is done but I have a hearing for child support this summer finally (long queue from covid, I filed almost a year ago for that!) so I got on the queue for this too. I wanted to wait on this to settle divorce but I have to protect D12. My sweet little innocent girl, sweet to everyone and who loves God since she was very little (used to say as she was swinging high on the swing that she was going to touch God with her toes) now says, "Don't call him my dad. He is the f-ing devil," but she says the full f word. Once she opened the door to that boundary with him, it's a flood of anger and clarity.

I have so much more to tell you all but no time. I started a flip project with a friend and it's so fun but many things going wrong, and I am still working many teaching jobs at the moment (til I can make enough in flipping to phase out other work) so I am drowning even more than usual in work, and then this endless stupidity with the D, so so so pointless. It's all just because he won't accept a payment plan, wants to show us all that he is the boss by insisting on payment in full or forcing us to sell. So I am stuck in this purgatory til the economy improves enough for me to refi or til he accepts the payment plan or is ordered to (I have an open motion asking for that). Sadly this custody issue may give me a little leverage -- remember in the early days, he asked for 100% custody and dropped it to visitation only when I asked for guardian -- but I am trying to be clear about what kids need and not weaponize this custody sitch in any way. Hopefully somehow he will settle and we can deal with custody as a change in family court instead of more endless D and more fees for his evil lawyer.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

It was quite amazing to watch my children mad at their Mom. My youngest son, S17 at the time, was so angry, all the time. His emotions would bubble up and at times boil over, lashing out at his siblings or me. I preferred he directed his misplaced anger my way, but I had no more control of that than anything else. Only gentle guidance and calm explanations. (Eventually. Lol)

D12 is rightly angry with her Dad. Her swearing illustrates the raw expression of her feelings. Swearing is rather uncultured and counterproductive, it serves to reinforce more than to let go and accept - a necessary step by the way so no worries. Once having expressed her feelings that way for a while she will calm somewhat and be open to gentle guidance.

Lead her to the realization that her feelings are from self. Dad is a trigger not the source. True, Dad “deserves” such anger but doesn’t “deserve” it. (Purposefully vague btw to highlight just how counterintuitive that is at first)

D12’s anger is part of her grief. Part of her loss. The loss of her Dad, her father figure. Recall how she was in love with him before. She was blind to what was going on. She has grown up a bit and some clarity has taken hold, and as such a loss of innocence and purity towards Dad.

Gentle guidance. Demonstrate and lead daughter it is still proper and ok to respect Dad. You don’t have to agree with his choice, just respect his right to make it. It’s ok to love her Dad, AND not like him (more not liking his behaviour actually instead of not liking the person). Her feelings are her’s, and come from herself, and are influenced (somewhat controlled) by herself.

Of course she is 12 and there are some pretty emotionally mature items of the list. It will take time for her to find her path. That’s good. Let her be a kid and slowly grow into adolescence and adulthood. There is plenty of age appropriate guidance you can provide as she continues to grow and develop. Besides, this is not all the time, there are games, movies, and all the other fun things of being a kid. Learning how to let go her angry feelings, seeing and learning the temporariness of feelings, will allow her to fully embrace and enjoy the good times. As I said, my S17 was angry all the time. Learning how to let go and set that aside once and a while was among some of the first steps.

It is a difficult path through the anger, the betrayal, and the loss for these kids. I’ve successfully traversed the fire swamp for myself and with my four children. And yes, I’ve gotten burnt and hurt along the way. Fire swamp - it’s looks like such a perilous journey from the starting side. And such a worthy trek with such worthy rewards - D12’s, son’s, and your healthy whole selves.

Be their beacon and role model. Compassion and forgiveness is light in the distance which we are heading towards. It’s always about the journey, not the destination.

D

[SBJ]

Hey Gerda...thanks for the father's day poem. I found it on Gordie's thread. I hope and pray that all is well. Not sure why I picked today to do the check in, but I guess I did. God Bless you!!!

[cardinal]

Thinking of you, Gerda, and hoping more things are going right with the house project and in other areas too!

[Gerda]

DnJ, Cardinal -- and SBJ! -- thank you for the words, thoughts, wishes, inspiration.

Somehow, DnJ, I am always fortified when you mention your dark moments, I have said that before -- it just always seems so peaceful and pleasant out there among the trees and the tall grass, and your kids all sound so perfect, that I sometimes forget you went through the same griefs and didn't just jump out of a package marked, "DETACHED AND HEALED."

I keep thinking I will update and then I don't. It is overwhelming to even imagine catching up on my sitch. The cottage project is quite astonishing. I am hoping to make a YT channel for it so I have been recording some of the beginning. The before and after will be unbelievable, that is for sure.

I guess I can't really catch things up here, it's too much. So I will just give two sordid details --

First -- Once again, H has filed a fraudulent tax return, not claiming any of our rental income and claiming S16 as his dependent. I still have never received a penny of child support or any assistance of any kind from H, and he has not seen S16 since May, 2019. I received notices from my state and IRS that all of my refunds have been denied because someone else claimed one of my dependents. And I will not be getting the child tax credit payments because of it -- or maybe H will get some of the payments? I have filed motions to get full custody and child support and to have these tax returns corrected but there are three open motions that were never decided and it just never ends.

Second -- My D12, who now only refers to her dad by his first name, unblocked him yesterday, I guess she gets curious and misses him sometimes -- and received a text announcing that he had moved TWO BLOCKS AWAY and "spends his days looking for her on the street." REPLAY IS REAL, FOLKS. This man ran our business into the ground and left us for another married woman with two kids and after complaining for years that he hated our neighborhood moved six times in the last two years, three of those times to other states. Now he is opening the same business 6 blocks away and moved two blocks away, still while trying to sell our home.

It's all so textbook that it doesn't seem real. But it is real.

I used to live in fear of hearing from him or seeing him. Now I don't even think about the fact that he lives somewhere very close to me, we probably go to the same deli. It's like there is a wall around my heart and it's impenetrable, at least in the context of H. I am just me. I am just Gerda now.

Sometimes I remember we are to pray for our enemies, and I try to pray for H. I get confused because the truth is that if I am honest with myself, I don't want his salvation, I don't want him to get better or for anyone to forgive anyone. I want him to disappear and not to have to know about it either way. I don't want him to get better or be redeemed because it will somehow undermine what I had to do to myself, to change, so that I could heal and move forward. I had to stop believing in him, I had to look honestly at our life together and see clearly who he was all along, and how that made him capable of what he has done for the past seven years but especially the last three. It's hard to explain how this fits with my faith, with my certainty that there is a light all around us and a life beyond this one. But I guess I am just being honest. I do forgive H. But mostly because I don't think he has ever been capable of love.

I wonder sometimes how such a person could ever have a chance of being Good. He had a terrible childhood and was abused, and he clearly has NPD or some other Cluster C disorder. What chance did he ever have? How could he ever choose goodness and subdue his own will when he is mentally incapable of choosing anything but himself? I found a letter he wrote my son where he quoted this Rudyard Kipling poem, mainly these lines.

If
BY RUDYARD KIPLING

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
...
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
....
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

He truly believes he is taking the righteous path, he believes that this will one day be clear to his children that he did the right thing though he has lost both of them and that they will see him as a hero. What chance does such a man have to ever choose goodness?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

Jump out of a package marked, "DETACHED AND HEALED." Lol. No, it took a bit of time. And I got tangled in the packaging every now and then while crawling out.

I am happy to hear the cottage project is progressing well. I’m sure you are doing a great job and yes its transformation is astonishing. Cottage and Gerda’s. (((Hug)))

It is pretty amazing to witness replay in such stark clarity like your H (or my XW). It’s difficult to believe that it is actually happening. I had to use the word dumbfounded to describe my incredulous eyes; “I can’t believe it” kept me not believing it.

Sometimes I remember we are to pray for our enemies, and I try to pray for H. I get confused because the truth is that if I am honest with myself, I don't want his salvation, I don't want him to get better or for anyone to forgive anyone. I want him to disappear and not to have to know about it either way. I don't want him to get better or be redeemed because it will somehow undermine what I had to do to myself, to change, so that I could heal and move forward. I had to stop believing in him…

You are doing fine my friend. I do recall this particular bump in the path. Yes, I too felt that her redemption somehow undermines my redemption. Faith my dear friend - it can be both.

It’s hard to let go that ego, revenge, that wanting to show them they’re wrong. Difficult steps along our own path of salvation and healing.

He truly believes he is taking the righteous path, he believes that this will one day be clear to his children that he did the right thing though he has lost both of them and that they will see him as a hero. What chance does such a man have to ever choose goodness?

He has opportunity. He has choice. He is broken. Let go and let God. It’s all one can truly do.

You’ve hit it right smack on target. He believes his righteous path and narrative. Even though reality shows him different. He will ignore and explain away such nuisance feedback and pressures; court ordered child support, children who don’t ever call, bills, can’t hold down a job, etc.; from his crafted fantasy.

You see his confusion. You understand. He is a hurt and lost soul. There is no need to hold him unforgiven. Be strong Gerda, stand for you, trust in God, and forgive the sin.

D

[bttrfly]

ugh. just ugh. i'm so sorry you are STILL dealing with this crap. I'm interested in your cottage project - - that sounds like a boat load of fun! Keeping you and yours in my prayers Gerda ... and shaking my head over the insanity you have to deal with on the regular. xoxoxo

[Gerda]

I keep avoiding updating because it will take so long to explain.

But I will just say this -- last week the judge rejected my motion attempting to force H to abide by the order of two years ago that allowed me to buy him out an appraised price. This order was supposed to last for six months of marketing our place and end with a buy out. During those six months, I had agreed to delay child support and to pay him advances on his equity. For six months. Now it's two years later and no end in sight. So I filed a motion asking for us to use the order as it was intended, to bring this to a close, and to start at least interim child support, since I have now gone (officially) without child support for three years. And to force him to correct his tax returns because his fraudulent returns have eaten my refund every year and he is now collecting the child tax credit for our son, who he hasn't seen or supported in two years.

(He hasn't supported them ever but I mean officially.)

He had filed a motion for contempt, I forget why. This was his fourth contempt motion.

She denied them both. I think she is trying to teach us a lesson to force me to sell our house or to force him to abide by the order, but in effect she only enforced the half of the order that benefited him and left me, the single mother, solely responsible for all child expenses, mortgage, and advance equity payments for this total complete deadbeat dad.

I don't even think it's legal.

I tried family court and they were very sympathetic but said I can't get their help til my divorce is final.

I keep sending offers to settle. And now am subpeoning all his records and his business partner, filing an appeal of her decision, etc. etc, just trying everything.

He keeps spending his future equity on this lawyer who he doesn't actually pay, just on credit, for this never-ending nightmare instead of just agreeing that an appraisal determines the value of a buy out and ending this.

Now neither kid will see him.

And there is no way I can feed my kids and pay the mortgage if I have to keep paying him advances on equity. So I have to now violate her ruling.

I feel like I'm trapped in Egypt, sometime around the 8th plague.

Compared to what women are suffering in Afghanistan, Haiti, pretty much everywhere, my problems seem ridiculous.

But all of this leads to nothing, it is pointless, there is no magical outcome for him but his lawyer does not explain that eventually he will have to give me that child support, the IRS will catch up with him, he will have to get his half of the house (or maybe less than half if I go to trial and succeed). But we could end it all now and move on with our lives, and he'd get MORE money that way.

For myself I feel almost the same anxiety I did before, but no feelings about him (see my post on DNJ's thread about that), just a desperation to be free of this vipers and be able to think clearly, on my own, and be who I was meant to be in this world.

I am working on a story that uses some of my divorce story. I really hope I can publish it.

My lesson for the newbies reading this --

Settle your divorce as quickly as possible. You can stand for your marriage after you are divorced. Or not. But you can do nothing if you become mired in a divorce from a narcissist, and your MLCer might be one of those. Get your finances settled and then you can GAL from here to eternity, standing or not standing, but free.