Thanks guys for stopping by and sharing your kind wishes I've missed checking in with you guys. It is a very exciting time and I felt an instantaneous weight lifted--no sadness. I was away with daughter and even picked the day I thought it would come through., an apt one We found a nice apartment for her for grad school and saw some beautiful places we've never been to before.
The biggest change for me is a conscious effort to avoid the whys and the constant suffering they bring. I no longer care why he is the way he is, and I understand too why I was told at the beginning to just accept that he is an SOB and get myself as far away from him as I could. I wasn't ready to hear it then, but I get it now. I'm not sure what other kind of person could do the things he has done and remain so convinced of his own victimhood--zero self-reflection, casting blame at everyone else, even in the face of kindness after kindness he did not deserve, and chance after chance he wasted or actively used to hurt me and the kids as he did last April. He can manipulate and lie to me and others (even the court), but if I have a problem with that I'm the you-know-what. Just crazy.
I understand why son wants to see his dad as a broken person rather than an empty one. I do, and it is one of the things I love most about my super-sensitive man-child. I hope he never loses his belief that people can change, his willingness to forgive, or his desire to see others in a better light than they perhaps deserve. My daughter is the real deal. She has fierce values and she holds herself and others to a high standard. She does not tolerate nonsense of any kind, she does not tolerate rudeness, thoughtlessness, or cruelty. She will never accept him in her life unless he undergoes extensive counseling. She's made that clear again and again. There is no chance he will ever do it.
Both of my kids have seen counselors for years, the same one for the last year or so. I only spoke to him to make the first appointment for my son. I see the work he does with them, particularly son. I see son apologizing (finally), expressing his needs, and articulating his boundaries. The counselor constantly encourages them to work on their relationships with each other, and son will often reach out to his sister after his appointment. I find it interesting that he does not ever seem to have encouraged them to work on their relationship with dad. I suppose there is a reason, but I don't know what it is.
I have moved to a significantly warmer client. A pool is likely a necessity here--I'll let you know in August. It's been fun settling into the house. We've had to do lots of little things, like install hardware, figure out strange new appliances and spaces that are not quite as they should be. It's an older house that was taken down to the studs and rebuilt. Good, solid old bones, lots of nice new conveniences and modern, clean design. One level (recall the last one was three and upside down).
We bought a bar-b-que. I'm excited to learn to use it, but a little terrified too. It's the briquet kind, not propane. Propane and pressure cookers both scare me. I prefer to stick with a crockpot and charcoal. Tomorrow we will try grilling something for the first time. Today we had to degas it and we got the temperature right for that, so fingers crossed we won't waste any meat.
I hope my friends trapped on the other side find the same relief in crossing over that I have.
Inspirational, Own, as always!!! xoxoxo looking forward to checkins from you on how you're settling in with your new, free, beautiful life! xoxoxo you've been through h3ll and deserve every happiness my friend!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 H moved out 4/24/15 D Final 12/23/16
Once we face the things that we fear they no longer have power over us.
The questions of why, or rather the answers to why, do lose their drive and pressing need. Pretty nice isnít it?
Both son and daughter sound like they are doing really well. Holding people accountable and seeing the hopeful good within someone are both excellent qualities. Neither view is better than the other, both being excellent paths. And neither exists without the other. One holds others accountable because they believe the person can reach up and achieve it.
I love the idea of a charcoal bbq. I havenít grilled on one for many many years, although I do cook over a fire once in a while. Something peaceful about waiting for the briquettes (or fire) to flame down to hot coals for cooking. Anticipation makes the meal taste better.
Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19
Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15 M26 T29 Dec 9/17-Legal Separation Oct 3/18-W Files Apr 6/19-Divorced
Like you, I have learned to redirect my thoughts. I also no longer try to make sense of it. Over the years, I have been humbled in learning that this person I thought I knew was really not someone I fully understood. Part of that was my naÔvetť. But a large part was due to the fact that he kept a lot of trauma hidden from me and, truth be told, from himself even in that he never addressed it. I was bringing a sling shot to a gun fight. I still have daily moments of shock where I canít believe what happened to him and what he did to the three of us. He is a trigger for me.
Funny how similar our kids are. My younger s also only sees the good in people. He has not said a bad word against his dad. I admire his kindness but it also worries me that he buries true emotions or worse, is so distant from them he cannot even recognize them. My older s told me he purposely tries to anger his brother just to make him express it. I am pretty sure my ex set things up that they were not really allowed to express a true opinion. He moved out suddenly, moved in his affair partner lightening fast and married and divorced her even faster.
My older son has had it out with his dad a few weeks ago. He let it rip. He told him he does not respect him, never will, called him a hypocrite and said he is no kind of family man. I guess ex (laughably) has been referring to himself as ďthe family man.Ē That sort of reality check from s is not something that ex could stomach. S ended up staying with me for weeks. That was a real turn from the days where ex was picking him up to get out cleaning his room. S now sees that for the manipulation that it was. That Disney parent thing really blows up in their faces.
Curious: how do you feel about eventually dating? Is that anything that you envision in your future?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I remember as a child that my dad would always ask us how we wanted our meat cooked on the grill. Even I found it a bit funny, because all the meat came out well done, regardless of what you asked for.
I agree DnJ, the time waiting for the grill to reach temperature is part of the process and something to be enjoyed. I have been surprised by how well we can get ours to the recommended temp for things and then how it stays there by controlling the apertures. So far we have cooked sausages, chicken thighs, and steak kabobs. All turned out well. Got the cook right on everything (minus a bit of one sausage I cut off). I think having moved to such a warm place, keeping the heat and the cooking smell out of the house is a good thing. The steak kabobs were especially delicious because I have learned later in life how much I love onions and peppers (red and yellow in particular, the green ones I can tolerate only in some things).
We've also installed almost all of our hardware (two closet poles and a doorbell camera to go). We put a camera in the backyard that gives a signal when something is moving around out there. Quite reassuring, particularly when I'll be here alone (which will be before long). We still have some holes to fix (only one that we caused). We got the big TV installed in an opening for it in the living room in time for the start of the Olympics. I've been going back and forth on blinds. They cost more than I was expecting.
I can relate to so much of what you said HaWho. I definitely think I was naive or maybe even willfully ignorant about the person I was with. I knew mine had trauma, I knew it had impacted him, but I thought the normalcy and stability of our life would heal him in time. I thought that knowing there were people who loved and supported him would make a difference. I thought if I gave him the space he would work through it all. I was wrong. I caused myself a lot of pain for a very long time with my optimism, my loyalty, and my love, which I now do believe was never returned. While he seems to be content barreling ahead in the new life--likely already remarried (or soon to be). He seems to be emulating his father at this point, and his father's second marriage (a long one) is so depressing I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I imagine his will be similar. It resembles captivity more than anything else.
Dating is a difficult question. Its a bit hard to separate the trauma I endured from the relationship and the divorce (and my need to heal from that in my own time) from my feelings about dating. I have no need to be with another person, and no desire to be at this point, but I suppose the latter could change at some point. I have in my head that two year number post divorce before beginning to see other people. When he first left and made it clear no one would ever be interested in me I went on several meetups and a couple of dates to prove to myself he was wrong. From that experience I learned that finding someone is not difficult, but that the sort of people I met were so broken (as was I), that it was simply sad. For a while I befriended one of them (someone I'd actually known in college) but my son became connected to him immediately and I had to stop seeing him even as a friend. I'm not sure most unattached males my age are particularly looking for women content with friendship anyway. If I do meet someone, I think it would be best to do so organically, through someone I know or a shared activity, etc.
Other than that, lots of activities and travel really. That's what I see myself doing. Where I lived previously I did jazzercise and loved it. It was a great group of women and I really loved the dance routines, which is quite funny if you knew me. But my kids got their performing passion from somewhere I guess. I played tennis when younger, was somewhat decent, hence the desire to learn pickleball. I'm looking forward to the pool, mostly for exercise, but I was a competitive swimmer for my entire childhood and have always felt such peace in the water. Son also loves the water. I'd like to run again, I ran in high school and enjoyed it. I'd like to learn to cycle. Nice and flat here and I'm right by some great trails. Another reason I chose this area.
We've committed to Italy next summer to attend my niece's wedding. Hoping to fit in some side travel. I've been keen to go to Barcelona, Utrecht, and Ireland for some time. I promised son some years ago that we would go to Machu Picchu and I'd like to see that through. I'd still like to go to the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, the Outer Banks, and Prince Edward Island (admit to being a huge Anne of Green Gables fan as a child). There are many amazing museums around the world I would love to see (and I still want to go back to Chicago in the spring--my favorite museum) and Washington DC for the cherry blossoms and the museums (and to visit my dad again at Arlington). I expect to travel a lot to see my D perform going forward and to see my son participate in his sport.
I think my future will be a lot like my past, but saying yes to all the things I had to say no to before because my partner wouldn't participate or if I had the time I didn't have the money or if I had the money I didn't have the time. I'm a home body, but I also like to go out and do things. Travel with a purpose. I'd also love to do more whitewater rafting and hiking with son. He really loves being outside and physical. It should be a great life and if it isn't, it is entirely on me and no one else.
Thank you bttrfly, thank you for reminding me that I am owed the good times and that I have a right to enjoy teem.
Wondering if you guys can help. What is the best response to someone you have known for a long time, who knows you are now divorced, and tells you that they know you aren't ready but they want to get in line before you end up with someone else? How do you get out of this situation without causing someone anger/embarrassment, etc., if they won't take the clue when you tell them you are not ready and focused on healing for the foreseeable future?
i would say something like thank you so much, i'm very flattered that you feel this way. We've known each other such a very long time and I value your friendship so much. I don't want to hurt you or spoil our current relationship, but the truth is that I do not think of you in a romantic way. Truthfully, I'm not open to that with anyone right now, but most especially not interested in doing something which could result in ruining our friendship.
i know, too wordy.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 H moved out 4/24/15 D Final 12/23/16
Once we face the things that we fear they no longer have power over us.
How about "Thanks for reaching out. Right now my life is so complex that I'm going to take some time just to be me and see how that goes"
PS - 3 edits to tighten the text down. Less is often more as I'm learning the hard way. I tend to be overly wordy and explanatory by nature. I've learned though that most people only get confused by the explanations and it can cause them to ask more questions that I don't really feel like answering. You could probably scrub that first sentence too and not lose anything.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells