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A Message from Michele
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
If those are her precise words, Id consider she could Google them and find this thread. If thats a concern you may want to edit them or ask a moderator to do so.

Didn't think about that! Poo.. I shall get it deleted. Can't seem to PM anybody. How do I get in touch?


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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smilie Offline OP
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I reported the post! Well, that took my mind of things for a bit smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by LH19
CWs it's interesting that you would make this statement when you divorced your W when she was depressed. That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Maybe I'm wrong?

LH, that's TWO deep questions today! I promise to get back to them after paddleboarding this morning. (:


I'll take a crack.

Depression was her cross to bear. CW's decision was how long he was willing to wait for her to do what she needed to do to work on her problem. I am sure CW, you didn't pull the plug on your marriage the day after her depression diagnosis, am I right? It was probably a long, sordid journey where her depression caused her to behave in ways that were counter-productive, destructive, and/or unacceptable. Depression is like any things else, it isn't the disease that is the problem, it is the patient's reaction to the disease. Like the diabetic that just ignores the doctor's advice, refuses to take the medication, and continues to eat a diet problematic for their condition.


It's still a condition.

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Originally Posted by wayfarer
As to unconditional love, there's no such thing. All love is conditional. If your child is a serial killer you're still going to love them but you're not going to love them the way you loved them as a baby. Love evolves and changes. You don't even have unconditional love with pets unless maybe you're the pet. (I dare you to tell me that love is unconditional for the human when you're scrubbing sh!t out of the carpet) We all have boundaries, lines, conditions. We all grow and change and so does our love. The hope is to have a love that fosters many iterations and can withstand all of those iterations. That's the closest to unconditional that we'll ever get.


I agree! In fact, I should have caught this. Love, except for parent-child (and for those of us who believe, God to human-beings) is never unconditional. I answered this related to true love. As in "I will love you for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live." Even in those vows there are conditions, chiefly being that both spouses live up to those vows.

Great add, WF.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by harvey
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by LH19
CWs it's interesting that you would make this statement when you divorced your W when she was depressed. That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Maybe I'm wrong?

LH, that's TWO deep questions today! I promise to get back to them after paddleboarding this morning. (:


I'll take a crack.

Depression was her cross to bear. CW's decision was how long he was willing to wait for her to do what she needed to do to work on her problem. I am sure CW, you didn't pull the plug on your marriage the day after her depression diagnosis, am I right? It was probably a long, sordid journey where her depression caused her to behave in ways that were counter-productive, destructive, and/or unacceptable. Depression is like any things else, it isn't the disease that is the problem, it is the patient's reaction to the disease. Like the diabetic that just ignores the doctor's advice, refuses to take the medication, and continues to eat a diet problematic for their condition.


It's still a condition.


Agreed. I was talking about true love, not unconditional love.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by wayfarer
As to unconditional love, there's no such thing. All love is conditional. If your child is a serial killer you're still going to love them but you're not going to love them the way you loved them as a baby. Love evolves and changes. You don't even have unconditional love with pets unless maybe you're the pet. (I dare you to tell me that love is unconditional for the human when you're scrubbing sh!t out of the carpet) We all have boundaries, lines, conditions. We all grow and change and so does our love. The hope is to have a love that fosters many iterations and can withstand all of those iterations. That's the closest to unconditional that we'll ever get.


I agree! In fact, I should have caught this. Love, except for parent-child (and for those of us who believe, God to human-beings) is never unconditional. I answered this related to true love. As in "I will love you for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live." Even in those vows there are conditions, chiefly being that both spouses live up to those vows.

Great add, WF.

Interesting. Kind of like a contract which I have been saying all along.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by LH19
Interesting. Kind of like a contract which I have been saying all along.

So now I can re-phrase my original quote and replace 'unconditional love' with 'true love'. It does make more sense and I'm astounded that it encouraged so much debate! Brilliant.

Tomorrow brings another deadline to the divorce / alimony (spousal maintenance). If by 11am BST maintenance has not been paid, then the court will need to be petitioned - divorce will be filed at the same time. Either the stbxw isn't making it easy (which she's not) or she's finding herself a bit out of her depth.

It still amazes me how she just doesn't seem to care.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by smilie
It still amazes me how she just doesn't seem to care.

Truthfully Smilie the email you got is way more that what LBS have gotten from their WWs. I think she does care but she is no longer going to sacrifice her perceived happiness anymore. Only time will tell if she is making the right move.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Joined: Jun 2021
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Only time will tell if she is making the right move.

And I won't be around to ever know this. It's likely that in a few weeks I will be gone from this area for good. I cannot stay around here with all the memories and the risk of bumping into her. So the only person who will ever know the answer to that question is her and that for me, is a crying shame.

I remember last time when I asked her about what if she is making the wrong decision, she said that she "will just have to live with it". So she'll do that and be unhappy again and no doubt go looking for the next guy, or finally decide to work on herself. I hope she does.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 545
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Originally Posted by smilie
I never thought that this day would ever come and that I wouldn't even be able to get the chance to heal a relationship issue, let alone know there was one to heal.


Originally Posted by LH19
No one ever thought we would be here. Part of the journey is accepting it and processing it.


Smilie, this caught my attention. As you know mate, all of us felt like this and no one ever expected to be in this position, I have really had trouble with this. What has helped me accept and process is to ask myself questions inspired by my reading of Stoicism.

- The divorce rate is circa 50%, so why shouldn't this happen to me?
- If there are so many people affected in the same way, and they all say after a few years things get better, why wouldn't they get better for me?
- If this person is actively choosing not to be with me, how can they be the right person for me?
- If I had a great life before this person was a part of it, why can't it be just as great, if not better, after?


Me: 39 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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