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Smile,

You are still doing too much reflecting / thinking / trying to find answers IMO.

You said yourself that you are wondering if your illness was brought on by your WW's previous actions.

Yet you are still contemplaiting taking her back if she wanted to R ?

You "wanting her to decide to return" is what you want. You cannot control what she does.

Quote

but this site is supposed to be focused around DB and saving marriages and resolving issues. Am I wrong? Am I grasping at straws?


some people would argue that this site is about saving a marriage.

I sit very firmly ( and happily ) and the other side of that fence and believe its about saving yourself - To rise from the ashes and build yourself back up - Walk away with your head held high and with one thing you didnt have before - Knowledge. I have learnt so much from this site, and its helped me in so many ways. I came out of the other side happier than ever, with a better understanding of relatioships and women. Only you can decide how you want to come out of this. People here will give you advice ( which will differ ) - you need to decide what you do with that advice.

Quote

She had an affair with me prior to leaving her boyfriend and left him in the same manner as she's left me now and 10 years previously (2011).


One of your intial posts about your WW having an affair with you speaks volumes - This is WHO she is !!!!

Look at this experience as a learning curve..

Last edited by MrBrside; 07/05/21 04:18 PM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
One of your intial posts about your WW having an affair with you speaks volumes - This is WHO she is !!!!

S one of my favorite quotes you need to read over and over and digest it. "you can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality".


M:51 W:46
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Smile,

You are still doing too much reflecting / thinking / trying to find answers IMO.

You said yourself that you are wondering if your illness was brought on by your WW's previous actions.

Yet you are still contemplaiting taking her back if she wanted to R ?

You "wanting her to decide to return" is what you want. You cannot control what she does.

Quote

but this site is supposed to be focused around DB and saving marriages and resolving issues. Am I wrong? Am I grasping at straws?


some people would argue that this site is about saving a marriage.

I sit very firmly ( and happily ) and the other side of that fence and believe its about saving yourself - To rise from the ashes and build yourself back up - Walk away with your head held high and with one thing you didnt have before - Knowledge. I have learnt so much from this site, and its helped me in so many ways. I came out of the other side happier than ever, with a better understanding of relatioships and women. Only you can decide how you want to come out of this. People here will give you advice ( which will differ ) - you need to decide what you do with that advice.

Quote

She had an affair with me prior to leaving her boyfriend and left him in the same manner as she's left me now and 10 years previously (2011).


One of your intial posts about your WW having an affair with you speaks volumes - This is WHO she is !!!!

Look at this experience as a learning curve..

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by MrBrside
One of your intial posts about your WW having an affair with you speaks volumes - This is WHO she is !!!!

S one of my favorite quotes you need to read over and over and digest it. "you can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality".





These two posts are so on point. The only thing I would add is there seems to be some serious correlation to the left behind spouse not giving a rip anymore and moving on with their life and being super happy, focused and seriously living everyday to its fullest and the walk away spouse seeing this and wanting to come back. No promises or guarantees but it’s the best shot. And it can not be fake. They’ll see right through that.


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Originally Posted by smilie
I have been struggling with GAL over the past few days as the stress seems so much that I can't stay in the house for long. However, I have been going out, talking to people as I can, reading and thinking. This is what is preventing me from going forward and working harder at GAL, even though I am doing that as best I can, I can't stop the panic that turns me into a quivering wreck.

That's unfortunate. Whether you have hope and want to save your marriage, or don't have hope and want to move on, GAL is one of the most effective things you can do. Yesterday I struggled a bit. My solution was to join a Meetup and I got in some exercise while meeting new acquaintances I may see again in the future. That was vastly more useful than sitting at home and being in my own head. (:

Originally Posted by smile
I have had this strong feeling that she doesn't really want a divorce, I saw it in her and her current behaviour would indicate that also, as much as her not responding to my lawyers letters to progress divorce

My lack of haste in completing my divorce was because I was already free in practice and wanted to focus on my new life. Sometimes WAS's delay to have a Plan B, an insurance policy if OM don't work out. You say that's what you believe happened ten years ago, right? Don't read too much into this.

Originally Posted by smile
so why do I feel that she doesn't want this either?

Denial. It's one of the stages of grief.

Originally Posted by smile
surely if she wants to come back a second time, then there must be something worth saving between us, surely? Especially if she decides to return after all this.

That doesn't follow. If her Plan A crumbles again, and she returns to you as Plan B, how is that best for you? We know your STBXW doesn't want to be alone, hence the multiple exit affairs.

Originally Posted by LH
It takes someone with a lot of emotional maturity to question those thoughts. Your W is more then likely an avoidant

Originally Posted by smile
what other people have said elsewhere and that she is a "serial cheat" has lied and deceived

I see her more how LH described above. An exit affair is a symptom of a marriage that was already dead. LBS focus on the AP and are surprised when OM1 is replaced with OM2 and OM3. I'd focus on the dead marriage. The red flag is you didn't know she was still unhappy, presumably because you weren't working for a decade. That points to a communication failure. WAS who are vocal about problems are more sympathetic.



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Originally Posted by smilie
Just a quick one. I have been struggling with GAL over the past few days as the stress seems so much that I can't stay in the house for long. However, I have been going out, talking to people as I can, reading and thinking. I revisited the infidelity section in DR (I have been reading another book also), re-read LRT and it hit me when MWD said "I'm asking you to remember who you really are." Tears just came out and I sat there in the park and sobbed. Yes, I'm a bloke and I sobbed like a little girl. I had forgotten the man I was and looking back to then, when we first met, I was different. I had totally forgotten who I was due to this wretched illness and the last time my wife left 10 years back. I felt then and I feel now, totally defeated, not just by my wife leaving, but by the hand that life has dealt me these last 7 years. Man did I sob!

I began thinking about my wife and how that situation with me, between us, had been the likely cause of her leaving again. Since she left I have had this strong feeling that she doesn't really want a divorce, I saw it in her and her current behaviour would indicate that also, as much as her not responding to my lawyers letters to progress divorce and not getting her lawyer to send the letter she said she would send (it's been over 4 weeks since she said she wanted one). My actions and words have indicated to her that I am willing to let her go and I have actioned that by getting my lawyer to send hers a letter requesting her intentions and sharing my intentions to file for divorce for Adultery. There was also other content such as repaying money that was taken, requesting interim spousal maintenance (alimony) payments, etc. So I have shown my hand as I told her when she left that if she decided not to come back then I would "give her what she wants". I meant that and it wasn't a threat and I will do that even if it kills me, of course I would. So that's a similar action to the Ultimatum.

Having said all that and preparing myself to let her go - and I still must - I feel that if she reaches out (which is a long shot I think, especially a second time), that I would be willing to consider reconciliation. Am I Stupid? Many other people say "file for divorce", but knowing her background and mine, I think she is hurting bad somehow and I know I have been as I have felt so guilty not being able to bring in an income for so long and I have felt guilty every single day since I have been ill, even though I am still working on developing income and I have been even before she left, but there was nothing to show of course as I was waiting.

But I took my vows seriously, through the good and the bad times, sickness and in health and I meant every word. I wrote my own alongside that also. I believe in love, reconciliation and forgiveness. I know that I can do that as I love her so dearly. It may not be enough I know and it hurts that she has chosen to leave me for good and in this horrible way, so why do I feel that she doesn't want this either?

I am so sorry for posting another post, but I know that some of you are positively working on your marriages. Yes it takes two, a lot of work and time, but surely if she wants to come back a second time, then there must be something worth saving between us, surely? Especially if she decides to return after all this.

Yes I have hope and I am not expecting and still preparing to move on (over 3 weeks NC now), but I feel that after what other people have said elsewhere and that she is a "serial cheat" has lied and deceived, it's deeper than that - for both of us. But I fear that I am disillusioned, hanging on to the relationship and wanting her to decide to return. I have this deep longing for a better relationship between us free of the baggage that got us here. She wasn't honest last time she came back, so we couldn't build it on strong foundations. Perhaps it is too late and I just need to detach fully, give up hope, say goodbye and move on, but this site is supposed to be focused around DB and saving marriages and resolving issues. Am I wrong? Am I grasping at straws?

This is what is preventing me from going forward and working harder at GAL, even though I am doing that as best I can, I can't stop the panic that turns me into a quivering wreck. Hypnotherapy session tonight, perhaps that can help.

Thank you for reading if you got this far. Your time and continued input if very much appreciated and I just wish I could get you all a bottle of wine to say thank you.

Hey there,

this is a marriage saving site. A lot of times you may not fully understand other's advice and perspective but everyone is here to help and support you.

The best way to save yourself is to detach, to become more attractive, work on your R skills, GAL. But it is not guarantee, right? There is no silver bullet. You can stop that panic, you are working at it, sometimes you're right on the cusp of breaking through but everything still looks the same.

You should have hope. Always have hope. Hope for the best outcome and know in your heart that no matter how dire the situation, you will survive and be better for having gone through this.

I'm guessing you haven't seen or heard from her in a while?


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
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I can see everybody's point of view here and my opinion is swaying from one side to the other. It's just not like me to give in, but perhaps this time I should - 180 right? smile

Originally Posted by MrBrside
You are still doing too much reflecting / thinking / trying to find answers IMO.

You said yourself that you are wondering if your illness was brought on by your WW's previous actions.

Yet you are still contemplaiting taking her back if she wanted to R ?

You "wanting her to decide to return" is what you want. You cannot control what she does.

Your comments are probably right that I am reflecting and still trying to find answers. I have been of strong opinion for a number of years that her leaving first time was a contributory factor in my condition coming on. I know it sounds pathetic and I'll probably be setting myself up again for the next time. I would just like to hear what she has to say. I also see it from the other side, that she will just be using me as the R with the OM didn't work out. This makes me look like a fool.

Originally Posted by MrBrside
I sit very firmly ( and happily ) and the other side of that fence and believe its about saving yourself - To rise from the ashes and build yourself back up - Walk away with your head held high and with one thing you didn't have before - Knowledge.

This has got to be the key here "Saving Yourself". This has the be my focus so that I'm good either way and if it comes to walking away then my head will be held high, I just need more emotional strength I think.

Originally Posted by MrBrside

Quote

She had an affair with me prior to leaving her boyfriend and left him in the same manner as she's left me now and 10 years previously (2011).

One of your intial posts about your WW having an affair with you speaks volumes - This is WHO she is !!!!

I hear you. But why does she keep doing this? Childhood trauma? Her father abandoning her when she was young? Repressed Sexual Assault? Who knows, but if she is willing to finally work at that.....but I know it's unlikely as she has never seen any of her behaviour as her responsibility and has never asked why. Instead, I am usually the scapegoat. She's 45 next month, perhaps it is just who she is and who she wants to be.


Originally Posted by LH19
S one of my favorite quotes you need to read over and over and digest it. "you can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality".

That is a good quote and applies very well here. Thanks.


Originally Posted by JosephS
These two posts are so on point. The only thing I would add is there seems to be some serious correlation to the left behind spouse not giving a rip anymore and moving on with their life and being super happy, focused and seriously living everyday to its fullest and the walk away spouse seeing this and wanting to come back. No promises or guarantees but it’s the best shot. And it can not be fake. They’ll see right through that.

Everybody's comments are spot on, seriously. It makes me wonder what I'm thinking sometimes, but the common theme is that I need to focus firmly on me and detach from the R with the W. I know this to be true and is a good thing to do whatever the outcome. My focus is now finding somewhere to live as I need to go from here by end of August and I have an entire house to pack up, find somewhere to be and move.

I can't see how she will see that I'm moving on as she sin't around. The only time she will see me in this weekend when she comes to collect her personal belongings.


Originally Posted by CWarrior
That's unfortunate. Whether you have hope and want to save your marriage, or don't have hope and want to move on, GAL is one of the most effective things you can do. Yesterday I struggled a bit. My solution was to join a Meetup and I got in some exercise while meeting new acquaintances I may see again in the future. That was vastly more useful than sitting at home and being in my own head.

I have a couple of contacts here, but absolutely nobody wants to meet up during the week, just for an hour on a Sunday - and even then they don't turn up. I looked at meetups in the area, but this is such a small quiet place (population <8,000) there is nothing like that here. There's not even anything happening in the neighbouring towns. It's always been that way in this are and it is so frustrating.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
My lack of haste in completing my divorce was because I was already free in practice and wanted to focus on my new life.

Good perspective that I didn't think about. However, it was her that requested it, so that's why I'm a bit confused.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Sometimes WAS's delay to have a Plan B, an insurance policy if OM don't work out. You say that's what you believe happened ten years ago, right? Don't read too much into this.

Yes, exactly that. My thinking let's me down sometimes.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
If her Plan A crumbles again, and she returns to you as Plan B, how is that best for you? We know your STBXW doesn't want to be alone, hence the multiple exit affairs.

And I suppose that I will be non the wiser as to whether her relationship has crumbled, or she has decided that it isn't what she wanted after all.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
An exit affair is a symptom of a marriage that was already dead. LBS focus on the AP and are surprised when OM1 is replaced with OM2 and OM3. I'd focus on the dead marriage. The red flag is you didn't know she was still unhappy, presumably because you weren't working for a decade. That points to a communication failure. WAS who are vocal about problems are more sympathetic.

It's been 7 years so not quite a decade yet! :-) The thing is, is that I was not under the impression that the marriage was dead. Everything was seriously OK apart from sex was a bit sporadic, but not non-existent. Communication failure on her part was what was brought up at counselling last time and as I have pointed out previously, she hasn't communicated anything being wrong AND hasn't behaved in such a way that anything was wrong. Obviously in her mind something was not right, but this then leads to the fact that she has been "acting" all this time and making me believe everything is fine. I know people say that there must have been something, but honestly, no there wasn't - not enough to notice anyway.


All of your comments has given me much food for thought. My priority is me and I must get somewhere to live as the lawyer said not to worry about it, but then there has been no response from the wife for negotiation.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
A lot of times you may not fully understand other's advice and perspective but everyone is here to help and support you.

I can fully understand everybody's perspective and although they differ, the common theme is to look out for yourself, for me and I understand how important this is either way.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
The best way to save yourself is to detach, to become more attractive, work on your R skills, GAL. But it is not guarantee, right? There is no silver bullet. You can stop that panic, you are working at it, sometimes you're right on the cusp of breaking through but everything still looks the same.

I understand there is no guarantee. Panic is the worst. Hypnotherapy last night was good and dumbed it down a lot. It's starting to creep back today as I can feel the feelings in my body starting to bubble up, but so far it's manageable.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You should have hope. Always have hope. Hope for the best outcome and know in your heart that no matter how dire the situation, you will survive and be better for having gone through this.

Hope for the best outcome, I agree. But I was referring to hope that we would get one more chance to address our relationship, but that wouldn't be detaching, right?

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'm guessing you haven't seen or heard from her in a while?

No, nada. Just over 3 weeks.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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One other thing Smilie, a few times you've assumed that her R with OM will end. Don't pin your hopes on that and work towards being ok no matter what happens. My STBXW is over a year now with OM, ask Ginger how her H's OW turned out. My sister's H cheated on his long-term GF to be with her and they've been together almost 20 years.


Me: 39 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
One other thing Smilie, a few times you've assumed that her R with OM will end. Don't pin your hopes on that and work towards being ok no matter what happens. My STBXW is over a year now with OM, ask Ginger how her H's OW turned out. My sister's H cheated on his long-term GF to be with her and they've been together almost 20 years.

Yeah I know... Actually, she was with me for just over 19 years after cheating on her other boyfriend so the liklihood is slim. I know it's time for me to move on. I just feel like breaking down every time I think of it and I feel so stuck with finding a place to live it's unbelievable.

Cheers pal


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Quote

hear you. But why does she keep doing this? Childhood trauma? Her father abandoning her when she was young? Repressed Sexual Assault? Who knows, but if she is willing to finally work at that.....but I know it's unlikely as she has never seen any of her behaviour as her responsibility and has never asked why. Instead, I am usually the scapegoat. She's 45 next month, perhaps it is just who she is and who she wants to be.


You are still trying to find a logical answer to why / look for a reason.

It is unlikely you will ever know the truth. Your WW has weak boundaries, and found a better option ( in their opinion ) . Thats what they do.

There is a lot of stuff online about childhood trauma and cheating. So that may have played a factor, but not all people who had poor childhoods cheat, and i know people who had amazing childhoods that are cheaters - again, you are looking for an answer, that you wont find.

My WW had a bad childhood and poor boundaries..

But my best mate from school had the best childhood - his parents were like second parents to me and i spent 1/2 my younger life at his - and he turned into a serial cheater / took drugs etc..

as for the "If she is willing to work at that" comment

Your WWs current mindset is

"smilie wasnt working, Smilies is in poor healthy, Smilie didnt make me happy, Smilie wasnt fun, OM is a better catch, I am now free, I am now happy"...

What do you think WW would say if you blamed her actions on past trauma !!!!..

In her head, she probably has a lot of resentment built up and little respect for you already - do you really think you can reason with her and expect her to reflect on her actions.

This is you acting on emotion and not thinking logically - there is no way she would reflect on her actions at this given point.

She would need to hit a serious rock bottom for that to happen. Even if she did hit rock bottom, she needs to be attracted to you / respect you to want to reconcile. This is why working on you is so important - ie job, health, being healthy on the inside and in your mindset as well as looking good in the mirror.
In a world filled with online dating and ease to meet potential partners, you need to become the catch..

At the minute you are broken ( we have all been there ) - only you can decide how you want to move forward.

The first step is to sort yourself out - Health, Career, House, GAL etc - all without her.

Personally though, i think you have been given a gift of a new life. Your WW is a cheater - its who she is. If you suspect your illness is down to her actions and the anxiety its caused over the years, this is the perfect opertunity for you to become healthy.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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