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I know w had seemed unhappy for quite a while, working from home at the kitchen table every day due to coronavirus. We have a small, 1250 square foot house in the city.

Also she's been drinking wine every night for quite a while-- years actually and it has only escalated in the last year. At least a bottle per night and more on the weekends. She also smokes pot every day and since she's worked from home, that use has escalated due to access. She's 5'11 and weighs 135 pounds.


We don't fight much at all, there is no physical or emotional abuse in the relationship, and so the typical, escalating reasons for a divorce weren't there. W left for Phoenix to stay in an AirBnB to think and work remotely and came back even more resolute about divorce. She's since left several times for days at a time.

The reasons she gave for wanting a divorce were vague: she "loves me but is not in love with me." She "doesn't feel about me the way she should." "I don't love you like a wife should love a husband".

When I finally got out of her specific reasons, they seemed petty. The ever present "I leave my bathroom too messy" and I never showed enough interest in her hiking hobby and "you are on your phone and online too much". All valid but things to work on, not reasons for divorce. She has refused counseling.

She told her friend that she has always done what was expected of her, never things just for her. This is a person who has never denied herself anything. If she wants to break a plan she does it. She's flakey. Maybe she felt internal pressure to become a CPA & thought it was a conservative choice but her family are simple country people and never pressured her. We got married because it made no sense not to! It happened automatically, was barely discussed. It was like "so this is definitely happening!"

Neither of us expected to eventually be married. We were in our late 30s when we tied the knot. To illustrate her "I do what I want" attitude -- once we drank too much wine on Christmas eve and she wanted to skip family Christmas the next day! We are both wild about Christmas and I just said "Are you crazy? No way we are going to do this!". She was angry about having to go and showed her butt the whole time and dank too much wine. This was a mostly out of character move, something she'd do maybe twice a year so I would always excuse stuff like that. It happened but not regularly.

A week later, after another out of town excursion, she had dinner with my best friend's wife, who is her best friend (our lives are quite intertwined. They met due to us. My brother married her other best friend via us). She came home steaming, and really laid into saying she "just married me because it seemed like the thing to do."

She brought up some old dating partner & then said that when I am gone, she will never even think of me, but she will day dream about him. This person is a dating partner who according to her "didn't give a crap about me". An unrequited love situation from almost 12 years ago. They dated about 11 months.

She also later claimed that she was never really, highly attracted to me.

These are accusations with mountains of evidence against them. For one, she was gung ho about marriage. For another, we were the most publicly physical couple almost anyone had seen. Many commented on it and were annoyed by it! She seems to have rewritten the history of the entire relationship now, colored by current "feelings" she's interpreted.

She later days that while sex with me was good in the beginning, it wasn't "to a level I had experienced before".

We have a jar full of wine corks that say things like "best sex day ever". She told me on more than one occasion that I was the best she ever had, spontaneously and on her own accord. I would never ask such things but also a man never forgets having such things said to him either.

She is insistent on divorce. I am pretty devastated! I love my wife, this is quite a shock and I don't even think I believe in divorce!


W has untreated and undiagnosed depression she's been carrying around ever since I've known her. Her mother died when she was 23. She remained away and distant through it to avoid seeing her mother go through it, similar to how she is now "running" here and there to keep from having to face me. This has been going on months and we have had a grand total of 3 conversations about this divorce. She is now moving forward with everything rapid fire like she is trying to break some sort of record.

W is extremely driven and successful as a CPA. I have always been very proud of her. It is insane the amount of bonuses they throw at her -- we've paid off our house.


Yet she still thinks of herself as a failure. She doesn't think she is smart. She thinks I'm the smart one-- I'm a college dropout! This is a person who made all "A's" save for two B's" in ALL of high school and college.



She had a somewhat bad upbringing in a small town. Parents were okay, One of the uncles molested her sister. Her grandfather impregnated his own daughter and a "slow" child was the result of that. She and both of her sisters excelled and got out of that situation. One is a teacher, the other also a CPA. Her father, since mellowed and quite a nice guy now, apparently made her think she was stupid growing up.


She thinks she is going to move to Denver, quit her job after her next bonus and start a new, exciting life in 6 months. She will cut her wine consumption down to a couple of glasses a night for a month, pat herself on the back, read a few self help platitudes, and tell herself that she is working on herself. I know her. She will repeat these same cycles elsewhere with others.


I made excuses for the wine due to her high functionality.

I stopped drinking during the week with her at least 2 years ago. My use was 2-5 beers a night and I was just getting too fat and knew it was bad for me and that I had to stop. I stopped during the week and it carried over to just drinking much less overall even when I do drink. I turned 40 and was just ready to be done with that and to be a good example for her, but I think she took it as me not engaging in one of her hobbies with her!


I get the idea now, knowing her for a while that she is energized by novelty. The new part of our relationship worked for her, the engagement-- also new and exciting. Then the marriage, the first two years were wonderful other than her over drinking. These last two-- my father dies, I get hung up on security and paying things off. She says two years ago is when she first started having these feelings about me. She told me this after I blamed things on Coronavirus.


I feel like she uses novelty like a drug. I joke that she thinks every night should be like a concert. She doesn't know how to cope through boredom.

She can be extremely selfish and is skilled at justifying it. I know depression causes deep reflection and rumination. I'm not sure if it is the cause or the result of her depression.

I suspect MLC because, well in the preceding months she said several times, flippantly "I think I am having MLC" and "Is this all there is?".

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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Awww….. Lee. I’m sorry you find yourself here. Take it from an old hand - a couple of things are very apparent.

First of all - your wife is an alcoholic. Call it what it is. Alanon meetings would probably be good for you.

Second - all these trips to “think and work remotely ” - I hate to tell you this, but this is classic affair behavior. She’s rewriting history, inventing reasons to justify her affair, and getting off on the novelty of whoever it is. (I know, I know, I didn’t believe my ex was having an affair when someone here first pointed it out to me - boy was I wrong. )

Thankfully, there aren’t children involved, and you’ve been paying off debts so a divorce, if it comes to that, won’t be financially devastating.

Some affairs are simple MLC triggered by fear of aging etc. But there’s a lot more going on with your wife -alcoholism, selfishness. From your description, it sounds like, even IF you could get her into treatment for her alcoholism and she gave up the affair - you wouldn’t really be left with a prize.

It took me until after my marriage (of 24 years) ended, to recognize that my ex was a narcissist. MLC played a role in his infidelity, but narcissism was a bigger problem.

Now, if you don’t believe she’s having an affair, I’m pretty sure you’ll find clues if you look - usually phone records or FB are revealing. (Might even be that ExBF) . But before you confront her, protect yourself financially. If you’ve let her handle the finances (cuz she’s a CPA, right?) make sure you have copies of and access to all accounts. Run a credit check.

I know it seems like I’m hitting you with a lot. I’m not saying marriages can’t be saved. I’m just saying you need to know what you’re up against. Cheating spouses rewrite history, find ways to blame you (my offense? I “walked too heavy” lol), often leave clues to their affair, and are sometimes financially unscrupulous. You can’t fix her alcoholism if she’s not willing to get help or admit she has a problem. An affair is likely giving her the same buzz - infatuation lights up the same parts of the brain as cocaine. .


Last edited by kml; 06/26/21 05:26 AM.
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Lee,

First off I would like to say I am sorry you are going through this right now.

It’s actually not uncommon for people at middle age to ask themselves “is this all there is to life right now”. It’s also not that uncommon for people to question if they still are in love with their spouse. Right now you are both rewriting history. The marriage wasn’t as bad as she says it was and it wasn’t as good as you think it was. You both are wearing different colored glasses based on emotions.

Unfortunately I agree with KML it is highly likely your W is having an affair. If you really want to know you can find out.

Right now it doesn’t feel like it but separating immediately and seeing a lawyer is your best strategy right now. The best thing to do right now is give her a box of her stuff, wish her well and go out and live a kick ass life. I know that goes against everything you feel you should do. Time and space are the only things that fix these things long-term.

Sounds like a horrible idea doesn’t it? Every bone in your body is telling you that you need to do something to prove your love. Unfortunately that ship has sailed and the fastest way to get back together is to go in the opposite direction.

I promise you years from now you will either be glad or wished you had listened to me.

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Bomb drop was Feb. 19th so this "process" has been going on a while now.

I read a lot of forums, and watched YouTubes, some good, some bad. Some more academic, some from male "attraction experts" who say it is all about lost attraction & everything else is periphery.

Anyway, I started working out. Every day. I've lost 25 pounds, and look and feel good. I have a history of panic/anxiety and depression but I have none of that right now due to learned coping over the years, going through stuff and coming out the other side, and just remaining healthy. I am upset about the divorce but not depressed.

Next Wednesday we go to court to finalize everything. She acted as if she was attempting to break the all time divorce record or something, rushing through this. We signed an MDA agreement in March.

I purposely left out some stuff that I will now add to see if you guys suspected affair without it. Suffice to say, now you will really be beating the affair drum.

W has a male friend we have had dinner with over the years she has known since college who has dated two of her friends. In fact when we were dating, the first time I went to her house he was there with a group of people. They have been friends for 20 years. Never any romantic involvement.

This man, who we will call Roy, is a compulsive liar. Major things or just stupid things. He will tell you he went to McDonalds when he really went to Burger King.

A few years ago he dated a ballerina in town, much younger than he is. He lied about his job, was living in her midtown apartment here in the South (keeping it generic as to avoid personal details) for free, and then moved in w her parents in New York City (they are apparently rich) to attend some chefs school.

Long story short he wasn't attending the school, just living it up in NYC living in a wing of her parents mansion. They eventually found out, and all his lies unraveled. He moved from the South out west out of embarrassment.

He did the exact same thing with someone out west, but he impregnated her. We found a blog she wrote about meeting a "wonderful man" and thought "haha little does she know!". Wife and I always made fun of him and shared news stories about sociopaths who fool women and would say "Oh look it's just like Roy!".

Well you compartmentalize people. W reasons she knows the real him. They have been friends for a long time. So we would still occasionally have dinner with him. I was annoyed by him--she was too but-

Anyway fast forward to early Feb, Roy had move to another state out west after fleeing his latest failed romantic con job (the one I mentioned earlier that resulted in a child).

W was getting beat up by coronavirus quarantine and working from home everyday. I could see it. Our loves were somewhat built around our trips, and those were out for most of the year. In Feb she said she was going to stay at an Air BnB out west were Roy lives to relax and unwind for the weekend and he was going to come by on Saturday and show her these hiking trails in the desert.

I didn't love the idea at all but this guy is a guy she has been friends with for 20 years. I DO have platonic female friends I would never hook up with. It's probably best to just let her do it, I thought.

She comes back Sunday, her flight was delayed 3 times. She seemed weird to me. We went to a neighbors Super Bowl party and she loosened up a bit. I knew she had been depressed anyway so her behavior had an explanation.

The next week we have a snow day and Roy is in town. He does come to down because he has two other daughters in the south. He gets snowed in and stays the night with us which annoys the crap out of me.

At some point in the night W gets wine drunk and it seems like she is trying to get me to go to bed so she can hang out with him! This pisses me off however they are old friends. They next day she says she knows I don't want to sit up and listen to their college talk, I seemed annoyed and that's why she suggested that.

At one point I went to another room and came back and it look like she was leaning over him hugging him. It was quick, I couldn't tell. But it didn't make much sense. If you are having an affair, you hide it. You don't bring your affair partner into your home with your spouse. I always knew my wife as a moral person.

5 days later bomb drop she wants a divorce. The next day we were suppose to talk but she texts and says she has decided to get away to think and we will re convene and discuss when she gets back. Her destination? Out West where Roy lives!

She says it is because she just stayed there, needed somewhere to stay with 12 hours notice, and that same place had an immediate opening.

She comes back even more resolute wanting divorce and then a few days later that's when she brings up some old 12 years prior dating partner and tries to savage our physical lives in comparison to theirs despite all the mountains of evidence -- even physical evidence in the house, to the contrary.

All this seems suspicious in the least BUT Roy is an old friend. He is someone she would hang out with through this. He is a morally compromised person who would be in no position to judge her. She was avoiding family and friends for weeks and months because she didn't want to answer to anyone and was just talking and hanging with Roy and one other female friend.

I do have two female friends who, if this happened I might hang out with regularly and it would look suspicious to others but I would not be hooking up with them.

WELL then a month or so later a black SUV is parked on the street for about a week. A neighbor gets curious about it. I come outside. Another neighbor says "W's Friend parked it there." another says "I saw your W get in an uber with the man who drives this car.

So I try to get in the car w a coat hanger. The plates were of a state W had mentioned moving to at the beginning of the year after she gets her next bonus. I could have tracked the vehicle by the VIN number but there was a card over the VIN spot in the dash. I finally called a locksmith and lo and behold, it was Roy's car.

I text wife that "you two sociopaths' deserve each other". She says I am "crazy". Later says Roy called to see how she was doing through this and she was eating out east and he was going to a city near there too to work & wanted to ride with her as far as he could.

Thing is, he does some kind of job involving internet towers. I know the company. They do have a hub in the city he was headed to.

So there is plausible deniability is all of this. Every step. So it is very difficult to confirm.

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Good Morning Lee

I am sorry you have had the rug pulled out from under you and found yourself in this situation. However, this board has many kind and compassionate people with much hard earned wisdom that understand what and where you find yourself.

kml and LH are correct in their advice and suggestions.

For the next good while most advice will seem counterintuitive. It will feel wrong, and go against what you feel to be the right thing to do. This is perfectly normal and hopefully you will read other threads around here and see the wisdom of those that have gone before and heed what you can.

Your W’s behaviour and her blames are typical and common reasons for divorce for those who are confused and hurting. Spouse’s project upon their once loved spouse with such petty things to some truly outlandish branding. Do not argue with her. You cannot reason or change her mind, for she is lost in a world hurt and irrational turmoil. She is being pulled and pushed by her emotions and will lash out to those closest to her - because she cannot be wrong.

Consider that: She cannot be wrong. This is where she is at. Her life is currently an emotional shambles in her head. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.

All you efforts towards that end will backfire and push her further away. Like LH said, the fastest way is actually in the opposite direction. Think of her as a scared squirrel, if you run after her she will bolt. No sudden movements, go about your life, focus on you, and that squirrel watches you.

What ages are you and W. You turned 40, so I guess early forties. MLC is a life transition that goes horrible wrong. We all look at our lives at certain points along our journey. A crisis happens when one has unrealized and unknown past trauma(s) that were buried. The brief outline of W’s growing up and her family has quite a few leading indicators of significant trauma.

These traumas would happen from a person in a position of authority and usually when the individual is young. This young person having no well established mechanism for dealing with such trauma - abuse, sexual assault, whatever - blames themselves and in the only mechanism they have, buries it deep within themselves along with all their incorrectly associated blame and guilt. And that which is buried alive will later haunt.

A mid life transition digs up our past. Your W had and has no idea of what is causing her current desperate feelings - she has buried it so deeply and so long ago. You being present in her life, get blamed. Her only avenue - for it cannot be her due to her present psychological and emotional state - is to look outside herself and you are right in her view.

That is the crux of a mid life crisis. Past unrealized and unreconciled trauma(s) that pushes one beyond their emotional limits. It’s a crisis of irrational emotional pressure and pain. There are beyond rational reason. Everything they do is based upon how they feel. Once they enter a crisis they must complete it. Some, with well meaning but ultimately bad external force, do exit early, only to renter their crisis later to continue their path. And the second time around is far far worse for the crisis person.

Time and space. She needs both and lots of it. No relationship talks from you. No pressure from you. If she starts something, do not continue it. Valid her feelings and do not defend or argue your side or try to show her how wrong she is. She needs time to realize that “Hey, I haven’t spoken or been with Lee for quite some time and I’m still unhappy. Therefore it must not be his fault.” From this point, and by the way that takes time for her to get there (if she gets there), she needs to then turn her attention inward and look inside to find the cause of her pain.

You are on two paths right now. An emotional one, and a business one. At times you will need to set aside your emotions and attend to business. I know how difficult that is.

Divorce is not an emotional decision. Emotions are fleeting. I know they feel like they will last forever, they do not. Do not make life altering decisions based upon emotions.

Divorce is a business decision. Do you need financial security or protection? Find out how much debt you have personally, and together. And how much family debt you are liable for - usually half. Talk to a lawyer and learn your rights and the most likely outcome, the best case, and worse case of a divorce. See what is negotiable and what is not. And do not tell W about any of this! All you are doing is seeking legal advice. Getting information.

If you do not require financial protection then let W do the heavy lifting towards whatever goals she has in mind. Do not stand in her way, but don’t help her along too much. Most crisis individuals are more talk than action. Your W was a driven gal previously. That doesn’t automatically translate into she will be now. I know - counterintuitive.

Folks that enter an emotional crisis become the exact opposite of who they once were. Neat freaks become slobs, highly driven become lazy drug smoking sit in the sunshine folk, and moral honourable people have affairs and partake in all manner of illicit behaviour and activities. You have seen it - the allure of the new and experimental. The novelty. W is scared and questioning her life and the responsibilities of it. And she is running from all that.

If you need financial protection - get it.

Focus on you. And breathe my friend. Just breathe. I know how fast all this seems. My W’s record was dropped the bomb, threw away the kids, and moved in with OM all in three hours. 60 days later we were legally separated and all finances and legal ties cut. We’ve kind of famous in the legal circles around here. Well, I’m famous, she’s infamous.

Breathe and focus. Give your self time to heal and get you feet under you again. Go out and do things. Pick up old hobbies you put off, those things you set aside for marriage and work and such. See what passions ignite you and live your best life. Become the best version of you. And most importantly - do it for you.

Regardless of the eventual outcome you will be alright. You will thrive.

Look inside yourself and discover yourself. Do not rush this. You’ve got the gift of time, use it wisely.

Ask any questions you have. We all require a certain level of understanding before we are able to move forward. You are among friends and those that know where you are.

Stay strong.

D


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Hello Lee

I was typing while you were updating.

That affair drum is beating pretty loud.

Look, I get it. My W was a moral woman and mother. The MLC version of her is completely different. Seriously, a different person. They are like an alien in the body that we still recognize. And that is the problem. We still see them as them.

Originally Posted by LeeChild
At one point I went to another room and came back and it look like she was leaning over him hugging him. It was quick, I couldn't tell. But it didn't make much sense. If you are having an affair, you hide it. You don't bring your affair partner into your home with your spouse. I always knew my wife as a moral person.

Things will not make sense. Those in crisis or who have made the decision to have an affair are beyond the rationally reasoned view and well into the irrational realm. You are looking at the situation from your rational view, working to attempt to make sense of things. The understanding and reasoning you are seeking is rather non-logical at first.

Why would they do that? People hide affairs. Nope. A crisis person wants to get caught. Needs to get caught. They want to blame you. I know, counterintuitive. Doesn’t make sense does it?

It’s part to hurt you. Because hurt people, hurt people. W is trying to hurt you so you will lash out and she can further justify her position and emotions. Further her narrative and rewriting of history.

However, does it matter? Affair or not. This is no easy question to answer, and only you can answer for yourself. For some that is it, the deal breaker. Others less so.

Affairs are exceeding commonplace for those in a crisis. It is a symptom of the emotional train wreck they are running towards. It means nothing. Any affair or relationship born from a crisis is built upon the sandy foundation of lies and deceit. And like a foundation sand it cannot support much.

It looks like your business path is getting sorted out on Wednesday. Good job! There are many who suffer having that drag out for years and years.

Is this a separation agreement, a divorce, or some other arrangement?

D


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Thanks for everyone's wonderful feedback.

We already signed an MDA in March with the money agreement. Next Wednesday is when the judge stamps it officially I guess.

So one of the neighbors who told me "If it were my wife I'd bash the window out of that car" talked to my wife and told her I was trying to get into it, eventually getting a locksmith.

She was very angry at me for this. I technically shouldn't have had the vehicle opened up but the neighbors were expressing concern, the plates appeared to be expired, it had been there over a week and the said the man that got out of the vehicle left with my wife.

What husband WOULDN'T investigate that?

But she is using that to say that I am "acting crazy" and "my behaviour isn't helping her feelings for me." Keep in mind I've got no contact several times for weeks at a time. I make no attempt at finding out where she has gone. I work on myself, work out every day. I am no overly emotional to the point that other people comment and say they would be much worse off than me in the same situation.

Also she claimed at the beginning that it was all her fault and when I mentioned still making dinner for her every night she said "Don't be nice to me. I don't deserve that."

She also has mentioned several times her poor mental health, needing "to see someone, a therapist but I am not sure if I believe in that", having "major mental health and trauma issues" but when I say the same things back to her she gets angry, as if I am saying it in an accusatory or finger pointing or humiliating way.

Lately she is angry at me because she says I am telling her friends "That I am crazy and an alcoholic" and it's like, that is one way to frame it!

Another way to say it is that I am concerned about her mental health status, I am only repeating the same things she has said about herself. That is clearly what is driving this regardless of how her true self feels about me.

A few days ago I drive by our street and I see her getting into Roy's vehicle again. She was back at the house a couple of hours later so lunch is a plausible explanation but the timeline here is getting ridiculous.

You would just have to know how surprising an affair with this particular person would be to everyone.

Anyway I confronted her about it and she was like "you know him. you know we are friends. We used to have dinner with him" she denied everything and from her body language--if she was lying she is very, very convincing.

We went into more divorce talk even though I know better at this point.

Basically it was her saying she's told me why, I just don't want to here it and me saying "yes, I know what you've said but so much of what you are saying doesn't jive at all and you know it."

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Lee,

Your W is having an affair with Roy. Accept it process it and never mention it again. Every time you do it builds you up as the adversary and bonds them together.

Be thankful that she’s having an A with a loser because once she stops running on emotions she will eventually see him for who he is as a person. There is a thread on here for a former poster “Hoosjim” if you can find it sounds similar. He eventually reconned with his W after she had an affair with a toe truck driver.

No more relationship talks and try to make yourself as scarce as possible. Your ride is just beginning and will take many months/years before it plays out.

SteveLW a vet here has stated that 90% of WWs will eventually want to reconcile. My friends parents reconciled after 35 years apart.

Last edited by LH19; 06/26/21 05:37 PM.
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Originally Posted by LH19
Lee,

Your W is having an affair with Roy. Accept it process it and never mention it again. Every time you do it builds you up as the adversary and bonds them together.

Be thankful that she’s having an A with a loser because once she stops running on emotions she will eventually see him for who he is as a person. There is a thread on here for a former poster “Hoosjim” if you can find it sounds similar. He eventually reconned with his W after she had an affair with a toe truck driver.

No more relationship talks and try to make yourself as scarce as possible. Your ride is just beginning and will take many months/years before it plays out.

SteveLW a vet here has stated that 90% of WWs will eventually want to reconcile. My friends parents reconciled after 35 years apart.


This last time I saw her get in his car, I started feeling this way. Leaning towards the affair being likely.

At this point I am actually rooting for the affair to be the answer because it explains everything.

And you are right about this guy being a loser and it does take the edge off. I am, in no way jealous of him or even too angry at her about it. It is more telling about her mental state than anything else.

If she had an affair with a tall (I am tall too), dark (I am not dark), very handsome professional, go-getter, high acheiver, really cool guy, that would sort of gut me in that, she was looking for higher attributes that perhaps I do not possess.

This person is literally a conman. A clown.

Are there any tips on confirming the affair?

Again, this is a person she would be hanging out with if she were single. Perhaps as much as she has been with no physical or romantic contact. She does actually have some logical, plausible deniability but in this case the timeline and reactions here do lend themselves to the affair being real

I guess another question would be, how closely can something look like an affair, but not actually be an affair?

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