Your W is having an affair with Roy. Accept it process it and never mention it again. Every time you do it builds you up as the adversary and bonds them together.
Be thankful that she’s having an A with a loser because once she stops running on emotions she will eventually see him for who he is as a person. There is a thread on here for a former poster “Hoosjim” if you can find it sounds similar. He eventually reconned with his W after she had an affair with a toe truck driver.
No more relationship talks and try to make yourself as scarce as possible. Your ride is just beginning and will take many months/years before it plays out.
SteveLW a vet here has stated that 90% of WWs will eventually want to reconcile. My friends parents reconciled after 35 years apart.
It certainly does help a bit that the guy is a loser and a cheap conman. It lends evidence to her mental state that she be involved with him at all.
In fact, even if there is no affair, and there is still some real, legitimate plausible deniability here, the fact that he is the company she is keeping at this point has to be because he's so morally compromised himself, he makes for a good buddy during this.
I don't even have the sort of pang one might expect out of this. If she was messing around with some tall, dark, handsome go-getter, professional type with charisma I might feel inadequate, but this guy is a clown. It's more like "okay, if that's what you want, you do you."
From the perspective of a feminist, which she claims to be, it's interesting she is spending time with someone who has not just lied to woman, but proactively and maliciously misrepresented himself to them and damaged them as a result.
Yup - she having an affair. With a guy who’s going to drain her bank account. Crazy. But they do crazy things.
My ex counseled his best friend about stopping his affair and saving his marriage (which friend did) about a year before he cheated on me.
I’m glad your finances are sorted. Separate anything that hasn’t already been separated. Do NOT trust her with anything!
Then let go. Odds are good this won’t work out well for her, but ask yourself this: WHY would you ever want her back? She’s a selfish alcoholic. You didn’t marry her because you felt you couldn’t live without her. I’d be grateful there are no children involved, sign the divorce papers and go no contact. Start planning an exciting new life for yourself. (I bought a drum kit when my ex left, learned to play drums, joined an adult rock band class, then went on to play in a pop punk amateur cover band for five years, and to tour with a professional singer songwriter friend playing percussion and vibraphone. Living well is the best revenge!
PS the fact that she maintained a friendship with a compulsive liar who uses women was a HUGE red flag. Good people don’t hang out with people like that.
What you need to know us - this isn’t about YOU. This is about her, her alcoholism, her depression - and her CHARACTER defects. This is a good opportunity to work in yourself, own what you can own, improve yourself - but so you can be better in your next relationship. Maybe learn why you married an alcoholic and didn’t notice? Why you got married just because it was expected? What red flags were you ignoring that you should have seen earlier in the relationship?
Last week I went by the house to get things, and I saw her get into his car.
She was back in about an hour, so-- again, it's plausible that they went to lunch. He is a person she would be hanging out with through this, they hung out a lot in the past and never hooked up.
so I confronted her the next day directly and her body language seemed convincing.
It is just a strange place to be in. If I am at least not suspicious, I am a fool. But if I accuse and it is just as she says-- friends (as they always have been) I look hysterical.
Last week I went by the house to get things, and I saw her get into his car.
She was back in about an hour, so-- again, it's plausible that they went to lunch. He is a person she would be hanging out with through this, they hung out a lot in the past and never hooked up.
so I confronted her the next day directly and her body language seemed convincing.
It is just a strange place to be in. If I am at least not suspicious, I am a fool. But if I accuse and it is just as she says-- friends (as they always have been) I look hysterical.
Lee,
So let's say she is having an affair with Roy. What changes?
She's not going to admit it to you - and WASs can be amazing liars. Many of us have been lied to our face. Sometimes quite convincingly.
That being said - let's presume, for a tiny moment, that she ISN'T having an affair with Roy. Why, then, is she leaving the marriage without giving counseling a try? Why is she abandoning her lucrative career to move to the town that Roy happens to be living in? Why wasn't she trying to work on the marriage before? Why is she suddenly justifying it being over after her spending a weekend away where Roy lives? And what is wrong with her, that she leans on a compulsive liar who abuses women financially for support in leaving her "supposedly" broken marriage that you knew nothing about until recently?
Sorry - I've tried to imagine any other explanation besides an affair and frankly, can't think of one. I suppose she could just be looking for an alcoholic drinking buddy but she could have done that much closer to home.
Do you have access to cell phone records? Usually they leave a trail of nonstop texts and/or calls to the affair partner.
But the bottom line is - she has left the marriage. She didn't give you an opportunity to try to repair whatever she thought was wrong. You weren't head over heels in love with her when you married her. She's an alcoholic in denial. Hard as this might be to hear, she may be doing you a favor by leaving you. Let go or be dragged. I know it's hard to see them driving towards a cliff but right now there is nothing you can do to save her. She is firing you from that job.
She's not going to admit it to you - and WASs can be amazing liars. Many of us have been lied to our face. Sometimes quite convincingly.
That being said - let's presume, for a tiny moment, that she ISN'T having an affair with Roy. Why, then, is she leaving the marriage without giving counseling a try? Why is she abandoning her lucrative career to move to the town that Roy happens to be living in? Why wasn't she trying to work on the marriage before? Why is she suddenly justifying it being over after her spending a weekend away where Roy lives? And what is wrong with her, that she leans on a compulsive liar who abuses women financially for support in leaving her "supposedly" broken marriage that you knew nothing about until recently?
Sorry - I've tried to imagine any other explanation besides an affair and frankly, can't think of one. I suppose she could just be looking for an alcoholic drinking buddy but she could have done that much closer to home.
Do you have access to cell phone records? Usually they leave a trail of nonstop texts and/or calls to the affair partner.
But the bottom line is - she has left the marriage. She didn't give you an opportunity to try to repair whatever she thought was wrong. You weren't head over heels in love with her when you married her. She's an alcoholic in denial. Hard as this might be to hear, she may be doing you a favor by leaving you. Let go or be dragged. I know it's hard to see them driving towards a cliff but right now there is nothing you can do to save her. She is firing you from that job.
Well MLC would be the explanation. And the Roy thing a red herring. A friend who, himself morally compromised, will not judge and will fully support. An old college friend, who himself doesn't have many friends.
She also has WAW symptoms.
Said she has been unhappy and holding it in for a long time. Wanted me to be more physically active. Wanted me to do more hiking with her (she never made plans, never did I tell her I would not do anything she wanted".
Also I am on my phone too much-- which I can be,. I used to dabble in the comedy world and had a podcast so I do a lot of online comedy I get some attention for. She said I wasn't here for the real life, "the real deal" -- even though I am not sure staying high all day and drunk every night is the real deal.
Let's see, what else? My bathroom and messiness. Honestly it is just that her standards are out of this world. Everyone knew me as a "very clean and neat for a bachelor" when I was singe. But that messiness and disorganization bothered her.
And then she said she lost attraction. Also never was REALLY attracted (nonsense, physical evidence and experience to the contrary). So she will go from these perhaps legitimate, but not marriage destroying reasons to basically saying she is not longer attracted to me and attempting to savage me physically -- which, if you saw me in person I think would give you a good laugh. I am no Tom Selleck but I am not what anyone would call unattractive either.
When I bring up her drinking she says she was miserable so what do I expect? But she has always drank, not quite to that level but somewhere close. And to hear her describe it, she is some kind of battered woman! Yes it was coronavirus, and the relationship was in year 6-7 so it wasn't all rainbows and fireworks. This exaggerated misery to typical stuff seems like evidence of chronic depression to me.
When people get into affairs, it's a very stark mixed bag of feelings. For one, getting loads of positive attention from a member of the opposite sex is intoxicating, it's really like a drug. Then, there's the accompanying feeling of guilt knowing that they are doing something wrong.
Rather than get angry at themselves, they think "why am I feeling guilty? It's because of HIM, HE'S making me feel guilty"
Then, you become the bad guy, and they look to reinforce their argument that "you are making them do this" by searching for any negative things that you do, re-writing your history so it was always bad, etc. etc. etc.
It's a very predictable and repeatable pattern unfortunately, and the things your wife is saying and how she is acting are no different.
The guilt she feels over her A is yet another reason she resents you, so anything you do to guilt her, shame her, or make her responsible for your sadness is going to increase her guilt and therefore increase her resentment.
Your best bet is to go the opposite direction and give her more space than she wants. The DB prescription is (1) 180: whatever she assumes she knows about you, demonstrate that it's not true. If you used to get angry and honk in traffic, don't do that even in the worst scenario, etc. (2) Get a Life: go out and do things with other people and enjoy your life, establish new relationships, (3) Act as If: Act as if everything is 100% awesome in your life.
There is NOTHING you can do about her affair partner or what she's going to do next. You can only control what you're going to do next.
People often fear that if they go in the other direction, are they telling their partner they don't care, or giving their tacit approval for the affair to continue, or how will they demonstrate that they're different if the other person doesn't see them, etc. etc.
The answer to all of that is "NO" -- the answer is to give space, not pursue, and all it means is that you're giving space. There's nothing else to read into it.
First of all very sorry you are here. If it is indeed MLC be prepared as they have unfortunately a very long way to go.
Please carefully listen to all the advice you will get here. These people know about what they talk.
You will not be able to apply all their advice at once, and this is perfectly normal, since this is a journey for you as well. You will when you are ready for it.
In regards to the affair, it is crazy how they can lie in your face, it’s like they believe it themselves. My H, who was a terrible liar before MLC, could look straight in my eyes, telling me I was seeing ghosts, I was completely crazy for thinking he had an affair.
Do not believe anything she says.
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
